oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

Is it just me, just my hormones... or really is this rude, and how do I deal? sorry this is long

So DH is home studying for board exams and I'm home cleaning and such. So they give DH a ring and ask if we are home. He says, "yes, why", "we're in the neighborhood we are stopping by"... and the door bell rings

I'm like *** ... what if we were bd or something ...

well I'm super mad, because I'm a mess, the place is a mess, laundry all over the place, but I go to the bathroom wash my face and convince myself to be polite and cheerful. I serve tea with light snacks and serve the 3 of them.

I know it was probably rude of me not to sit with them but our little table in our tiny apartment was not unfolded, so it only fit 3 chairs. We weren't prepared for visitors of course. I stood for a few minutes by them, but would carry on with my kitchen chores nodding to their conversation.

Then, MIL gets up and says "I want to take a look around"
I'm like okay, but she goes in and starts inspecting all the rooms... not to mention criticizes all the new purchase we made since the last home inspection


Ughh.. so they left and I asked DH can you please talk to them and explain to them that I respect that this may be their culture, but in my culture what they are doing is rude towards me.

He says, they are old, and they feel they have a right to see their children whenever they want.
I'm like yeah, but come on give me 20 minute notice at least. I'm always happy to accept them into our home, I just like a little notice, so that I can make sure that I can focus on their visit.
He wont talk to them about it. And while he wont admit it, he thinks what they are doing is fine.

Am I really that crazy to have issue with this?

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

and whats making me worried nauseous, is what to expect when we have a baby ...

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

I'd probably be a little annoyed too- but I'd let it go.

If they get to be overbearing after DC is born- DH is going to have to say something.

Good Luck!

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

They are being very inconsiderate. Next time say you are not home. And if they are outside of your house and see your car, tell them they can't come in, you are 'busy'.

They are being very rude on all accounts, so you might just have to be rude back.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

Lesson of the day: ILs $uck!!

I don't think you're wrong in thinking it's rude that they just stop in like that. A little notice is the norm.

Your Dh should definitely talk to them. OR he should be the one serving them and entertaining them.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

I feel your pain, biut it isnt my in-laws that are the issue, they are my own parents! and no matter what i do they just dont get it... i have yet to clean out the extra room which will be come ds's room and the nursery will stay the nursery so they were like well we will do a brigade right now.. so i told them it was ok that i was going to do it when dh was off one day.. and then i got 20 questions about why... even when i explained that it was mainly because i wanted to toss alot of stuff or give it to my late 1st dh's family since i have not touched that room in THAT long... so what do they do.. last night i find my mother up there starting to pack stuff up to carry down stairs...so ds asked that they please go home because he was tired... it is never ending

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

The stopping by - annoying but, don't think you can really say or do anything about this. The "inspections" as you call it and "let me take a look around" - now that I find to be rude. My MIL does this in my home - she opens up closed doors when she thinks no one is looking and tries to look in my cabinets, drawers etc. I told DH it has to stop - it's rude and there is NO reason for it. I would make sure DH (since I don't think there is a nice way for you to do it) knows to speak up and the next time she asks to "take a look around" - he should just say no. When DH did that enough MIL got the hint here - although she still tries to do it on the sneak. But, honestly, it only hurts her in the long run b/c of it I HATE having them over b/c I feel like everything always has to be perfect and spotless KWIM?

I feel your pain with DH - this is one of the only things we really ever disagree on - he is extremely protective of his parents and is very defensive whenever I criticize them.

ETA: Wanted to edit to address your worries about when you have a DC - I will say it DID get much worse for a while with this type of thing - b/c every time she saw DS she would be "inspecting" him and it seemed there was always something wrong - eventually I got so fed up with it I made DH call her in front of me and tell her if it didn't stop she wouldn't be seeing DS anymore. It was really ridiculous - things like saying his nails were too long or his scalp looked dry - and she would always do it in front of a lot of people and look directly at me while saying to someone else "look how long his nails are" or "why does he have this on his scalp" or "what is this vein here" etc. etc. The saddest part is - I know now b/c i have seen it has he has grown that she was just trying to point out the bad in me b/c of her own insecurities...It was almost like all the good things I did made her look bad (in her mind) so she would aways criticize them (Breast feeding for 10 months and no formula until 7 months, making DS's food from scratch, etc. etc. etc.)...

Message edited 10/6/2009 3:19:29 PM.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

I wonder what culture you are speaking of? My inlaws are the same, and it got so much worse after I had DS. constant drop ins, I would be sitting on the couch pumping, in the middle of the afternoon and the bell would ring, there they were! ridiculous and infuriating at the same time!!!!!!!!! it's better now because I had a bit of a falling out w/ my MIL and yelled at her about something else

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

oh h e l l no!! your husband need to intervene immediately and if he does not...you need to put your foot down!!! this is just a precurser to the misery that lies ahead if you don't!!! Good luck sweetie...

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

You're not being hormonal. It's common courtesy.

You should be clear with DH that while he may think it's fine, you don't. Tell him it will help your relationship with your ILs if they are respectful to your boundaries. It is up to him to bridge this gap - if he doesn't then tell him it will look worse coming from you & you don't want them to take it the wrong way.

He also better be sure to make it HIS request unless he wants his parents feeling resentful towards his wife.

Better to handle it now than after the baby comes & you are sleep deprived.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

i wouldn't be soo ****** that they drop by the way they did..i would be more ****** that they go around doing a home inspection..*** Is up with that???

next time they do this can you nicely tell them that a little more notice would be appreciated..or would your DH get ******?

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

Posted by kahlua716

I'd probably be a little annoyed too- but I'd let it go.

If they get to be overbearing after DC is born- DH is going to have to say something.

Good Luck!

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

I don't think you are crazy at all.

My parents feel the same way (that they can stop by whenever) and I love that my home is their home, but I told them that they need to give me notice so I can at least have a clean house.

So I completely understand where you are coming from and you are not being unreasonable at all.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

Ugh, I feel your pain. My IL's stop by whenever also. Oh sure they call, when they are in the parking lot, giving me 5 seconds notice. His sisters are the worst though, they'll call at the front door & once inside they do open cabinets, drawers as well... just to see what's in there .. because they are curious.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

so emotions got the best of me and I'm just recovering from tears, but here is the thing, they DO know how intrusive they are and they think its okay, and so does DH... I told him if they do this again, I'm going to excuse myself and leave... and if when baby is here, I'm grabbing baby and leaving. He surprised me when he said he understood. So now I just think he's too big a wus to talk to his parents about it. They are very drama prone and I *almost* could understand why he's avoiding confrontation.

Oh and this is what they said when there where here:

MIL: we thought it wasn't nice to drop in but your father said oh lets bother them a little
FIL: (jokingly) yes we just missed you and want to
bother you
MIL: we wont stay long just wanted to say hi

I had to ask DH for translation after they left cause I didn't catch exactly what they where saying, just the tone.
So you see how they framed it, so that if I'm annoyed by their visit, I'm evil.

Thanks for all your support, I really just needed to vent it, but its so nice to hear I'm not a lone with inconsiderate in-laws.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

DW and I both set down the rules of OUR house to our respective parents early on. We let them know, in no uncertain terms, what they CAN do, and what they CAN'T do. (Not all at once, like a lecture, but as DW was PG, and after DS was here).

Now that everyone knows the rules, everyone is happy... Maybe not as happy as the ILs (all parents are ILs to one of you.... ) would like to be, but as long as WE are happy, that's the important part.

Re: oldschool inlaws are rude - or am I just having hormonal meltdown.

i understand how u feel...my great aunt and uncle now live around teh corner from us. well we see them a few weeks ago and they say to us, why dont you answer your door??? im like what the heck r u talking about. appparently they stopped by our apartment 3 times, and we just happened to not be home and the were POed about it i have a feeling its gonna be even worse once i have the baby