Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Cause I am at war with myself right now.

Ok background:
Back in January when I had my 2nd miscarriage my SIL announced that she was pregnant with her 5th child. And although it was extremely hard for me at the time, I think I have dealt with it ok.

We were due only a few weeks apart, I was due Aug 25th and she was due in Sept.

In the months that past I have had my 3rd miscarriage and now she is going in tomorrow for a c section.

I am so torn right now because I don't know if I can get the courage to go to the hospital to see them. I have already told her that it might not be possible and even though she understands --I still feel awful about it.
it's my nephew being born, but I just don't think I have it in me to go--it's just too painful right now considering that I should have a little one the same age, and not knowing what our future will bring us.

Ugh, I just don't know what to do.
How do I get the strenghth to go tomorrow.
I hate that this is affecting me this way.
thanks for letting me vent
any help would be appreciated.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Aww Lori
I know exactly how you feel....last year when I had my m/c in July one of my bff's had a baby like a few weeks later. I just could NOT bring myself to go and visit her in the hospital. I just couldnt do it It was just too soon after my loss. I explained to her what was going on and what I was going through and thankfully she was very understanding. You have to do what is comfortable for YOU. If you really feel like you cant handle it right now - then hang back and visit when she gets out of the hospital.

Message edited 9/2/2009 10:53:35 AM.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by daisy32

Aww Lori
I know exactly how you feel....last year when I had my m/c in July one of my bff's had a baby like a few weeks later. I just could NOT bring myself to go and visit her in the hospital. I just couldnt do it It was just too soon after my loss. I explained to her what was going on and what I was going through and thankfully she was very understanding. You have to do what is comfortable for YOU. If you really feel like you cant handle it right now - then hang back and visit when she gets out of the hospital.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

I'm so sorry! Vent away!


You've had so much to deal with----and right now is even tougher bc of what your due date would have been. Only do what you can handle....it sounds like she will understand.

Message edited 9/2/2009 11:07:01 AM.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by skinny

I'm so sorry! Vent away!


You've had so much to deal with----and right now is even tougher bc of what your due date would have been. Only do what you can handle....it sounds like she will understand.


Thanks!
I don't think it's terrible to say --I understand that thought process completly.
I know this sounds horrible, but I always wonder why she gets to have 5 and we can't even have 1

Message edited 9/2/2009 11:10:18 AM.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

You are not a bad Aunt. And your nephew will not even remember you are not there. I never went to the hospital when any of my nieces or nephew were born (and I wasn't TTC then). They love me just the same. I think you don't have to beat yourself up. You SIL understands. And She'll be home in 2 days. Give yourself a break, you've been through a lot.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

sorry you are going thru this...I don't think you are a bad aunt at all if you wait till she is home to see the baby. It sounds like going to the hospital will bring you unecessary stress.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

oh Lori, i am so sorry you are going through this.. i know its so hard for you.. and i told you many times before , that i get the same way. its only natural .. you do what your heart tells you to. i couldnt go to my BFF shower because it was too hard.. and she understood. especially if it will make you more upset.. you can't do that to yourself.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by lolipep

Posted by daisy32

Aww Lori
I know exactly how you feel....last year when I had my m/c in July one of my bff's had a baby like a few weeks later. I just could NOT bring myself to go and visit her in the hospital. I just couldnt do it It was just too soon after my loss. I explained to her what was going on and what I was going through and thankfully she was very understanding. You have to do what is comfortable for YOU. If you really feel like you cant handle it right now - then hang back and visit when she gets out of the hospital.

thanks lisa
she did say she would bring the baby to me when we're alone and i can deal wih it however I want, but I still just feel bad cause it's my nephew and I feel like a bad aunt.
But you're right I have to do what is best for me at this point.
Sorry you had to go through that too

How are you feeling BTW?

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by daisy32

Posted by lolipep

Posted by daisy32


I feel good thanks for asking.....trying to stay positive I wont be POAS at all....I mean I did when I was 5dp3dt but that was neg and it was too early anyways from what my friends told me. I cant stand seeing the single line. I'm just gonna wait for the blood test.

I am so happy to hear you're doing well!!
And good for you for not POAS

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. It is very hard, but it is nice to hear that she will understand if you don't make it to visit them in the hospital. If you don't feel emotionally up to going to the hospital -- don't go. And do not feel guilty about not going, either.

I will for you.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Thanks everyone --you have all really helped not feel like a bad aunt

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Well to be honest If I were your SIL I would feel terrible thinking how you must feel seeing me with a new born after all this you are going through.... I would do anything in my power to minimize your pain.. If it were me I would probably call you and tell you that We love you and understand how painful this is and we will be here for you no matter what .. I would not want to bring any more pain to you.. Hopefully she gets it and if she doesnt thats a shame..

This is just an undescribable pain.. It makes me so upset.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

After dealing with IF and m/c, I have learned that you don't always have to put on a happy face, suck it up and deal.

Even though we all have done our fair share of "dealing", I have learned that it is ok if certain events are to upsetting for me to go to or even if certain conversations are too difficult for me to have. I've also learned that you really can be truly happy for someone, but be hurting so much because of our own situation.

Shortly after my m/c, we had a birthday lunch for my grandmother and my cousin was PG and due about 2 months before I would have been due. While I was so happy for her, it would have been too difficult for me to go to the lunch and I didn't go. The emotions were just too raw. Everyone understood.

I really do not think you need to see her in the hospital and you most certainly wouldn't be a bad aunt. To be honest, I have 6 nieces and nephews and have only been to the hospital after 1 was born. The rest were all visited after they got home. My reason for visiting them was not because of our IF issues, but no one has ever said I was a bad aunt!

I really think you should wait and see your nephew when you are ready

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by KrisT

After dealing with IF and m/c, I have learned that you don't always have to put on a happy face, suck it up and deal.

Even though we all have done our fair share of "dealing", I have learned that it is ok if certain events are to upsetting for me to go to or even if certain conversations are too difficult for me to have. I've also learned that you really can be truly happy for someone, but be hurting so much because of our own situation.

I really do not think you need to see her in the hospital and you most certainly wouldn't be a bad aunt.

I really think you should wait and see your nephew when you are ready

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

You should only do what you're comfortable doing.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by InfertileMyrtle

You should only do what you're comfortable doing.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

When I was going through IF I avoided lots of baby-related things but once I got PG I wanted my family and friends to be there for me. I felt bad for being "selfish" during my IF struggles and not being there for them. I guess life is a 2 way street and sometimes we have to give a little to get a little. JMO!

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
It's so nice to know that I have your support when things are a little bittersweet in our lives

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

I totally understand - my good friend had a honeymoon baby 6 weeks early in July. I suffered my M/C the week of her bachelorette and was still recovering when I was a bm at her wedding so when she announced that she was pregnant a month later I was very upset. I then found out our third IUI failed the weekend of her baby shower.

Now the baby is almost 8 weeks old and because of being a premie he was very sick in hospital for the first month. I saw them for the first time last week and I was really nervous about how I would feel. I was actually left on my to watch the baby for two hours. I was not prepared for how much I would connect with him and how much more determined I am now to do everything in my power to be a mommy myself as soon as possible.

Now I can't wait to start the IVF process. I hope you also have a positive experience when you do feel ready to meet your new nephew.

Message edited 9/2/2009 4:11:31 PM.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

Posted by ODonnell



Now the baby is almost 8 weeks old and because of being a premie he was very sick in hospital for the first month. I saw them for the first time last week and I was really nervous about how I would feel. I was actually left on my to watch the baby for two hours. I was not prepared for how much I would connect with him and how much more determined I am now to do everything in my power to be a mommy myself as soon as possible.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

It's sounds to me that your SIL is a wonderful and understanding person.

I recently went through something similar. I had a m/c in June and my cousins baby shower was the weekend after my d&c and I avoided to go to it because I couldn't deal with it. It's a very overwhelming pain and you are allowed to feel that way.

Recently my cousin had her baby and I told myself I wasn't going to go to the hospital, but the day came and I went to the hospital to see her and the baby. My cousins don't know that I had a m/c, but they do know we've been ttc. I was holding up ok, but then my cousin let me hold the baby and I lost it. I was hysterical, but so happy at the same time. I was happy that I fought through all the pain and grief and didn't let infertility or anything get between this special moment for my cousin. I felt so strong after that moment and felt like I can do anything, because it seriously was the toughest thing I ever did in my life.

Don't push yourself and don't feel pressured. Just go with the flow and if on that day she gives birth you feel up to it go and be there for her, but if you don't she will understand. It's natural to feel this way.

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

I have totally been where you are (minus the m/c) with my own sister. She got pg (found out after her DH had the old snip, snip ) with a baby they OBVIOUSLY weren't planning. And to boot, when she had the baby, guess who was watching thye 3 other kids while she was in the hospital....yep...me! It stung like hell and I went home and cried every night. She was more beside herself, knowing what we were going through, that she needed my help with the kids. So, I think it's really a good thing that your SIL knows what is going on, is probably as sad for you as she is happy for herself and will totally understand. You'll always have a bit of sadness in your heart when you see the baby, in the hospaital or at home, but that love for him will also overwhelm you and hopefully give you a little break from the sadness. Do it on your own time, when you're ready...it will be more meaningful to you both!

Re: Ladies- I could use some support or words of wisdom please

First, I'm so sorry


I would try to find it in yourself to go, even if you cry, you can look back one day and say you were there. Good Luck.