Am I wrong for being mad??

I wasnt sure whether to post this.
Im having problems again with my inlaws.
My FIL is a big man with a big belly and when my boys start feeling sleepy he puts them on his belly and rocks them to sleep then my MIL puts them in the crib at her house.
But the problem is that they will sleep on his belly for an hour or even longer, especially with Matthew, so now Matthew has been having problems taking his last nap of the day at our house. When we go to put him down he screams and cries so hard, and I know he is tired.
So DH and I had a fight becuase I dont want to get in the habit of having him fall alseep on me now.
DH confronted his parents and they got really mad and they got into a fight.
When I went to go pick up the boys yeesterday they wouldnt say boo to me
Am I just overeacting, or should I have a right to be mad.
He used to go down to sleep on his own with no problem.
I told them nicely that I didnt like them doing that, and they continue to do it.

Message edited 3/15/2007 1:49:55 PM.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

that's a tough call. I think if your boys only saw them every now and then I would let it go. But since they are part of your daily routine, I don't think you are wrong. I would not be mad, your FIL probably feels productive in their lives and feels like this is his thing to do with them, but they have to understand that good sleeping habits mean everything

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I don't think you're wrong. If what they are doing is affecting his sleep, that's a problem. I'm sure they love having him fall asleep on FIL but it does create a bad habit that will be very hard for you to break. You're the mom. What you (& DH) say goes! I don't understand why people don't get this??

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I think you are right, it is a bad habit to get into. The bigger underlying problem is that they are not open to communication and respecting your parenting decisions. I have to say I am in the exact same positon as my IL's watch DD one day a week and seem to think whatever they want to do if fine with no regard to my wishes. Unfortunatly I think this is one of the downfalls of having close family watch your children. I dont have much advice accept to try to talk to them calmly about how their chioces affect the boys habits at home.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I'm of the midset that you shouldn't control grandparents too much. They did their parenting, now they can do some spoiling, as long as its not harming your child.

If it was me, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it. It sounds like they're watching the boys regularly, and they're not always going to be able to do everything the way you do. Babies are pretty adaptable. I wouldn't have gotten mad or started a fight about it, but I may have mentioned the effect its having.

I think its adorable that he rocks them to sleep on his belly! (but of course, I'm not the one dealing with your screaming child at the end of the day)

Message edited 3/15/2007 1:53:18 PM.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I don't think you are wrong at all...

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I just dont know if I should just drop it, but I told them that they need to learn how to soothe themselves to sleep.
Christopher has no problem it is Matthew.
My MIL cant stand when they cry and jumps out of her seat if they even shed one cry, and I told her it is ok, but she got mad and said "I DONT LET THEM CRY!!!!!

MaybeIm just overreacting, but I guess Im just getting so angry because she is yelling to DH that Im not doing this or that, or they "should" be wearing this or that.

Message edited 3/15/2007 1:55:36 PM.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

Posted by -Lisa-

I'm of the midset that you shouldn't control grandparents too much. They did their parenting, now they can do some spoiling, as long as its not harming your child.

If it was me, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it. It sounds like they're watching the boys regularly, and they're not always going to be able to do everything the way you do. Babies are pretty adaptable. I wouldn't have gotten mad or started a fight about it, but I may have mentioned the effect its having.

I think its adorable that he rocks them to sleep on his belly! (but of course, I'm not the one dealing with your screaming child at the end of the day)

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

If it's messing up the rest of their sleeping schedule I'd try to get the inlaws to do things how you do them. Or at least rock him a little but put him down still awake...make sure they know that you're trying to train him to sleep on his own and why it's important.
That being said i have no control over what daycare does w/Ryan for his naps, he never naps at the same time and sometimes only gets 30 min of sleep all day and it drives me nuts bc he is so overtired by the time I pick him up, I have to shove dinner in his mouth and put him to bed.

So yes, I'd be mad because they're not respecting your wishes, but on the other hand it's nice to know that when they cry they will be tended to and that they do get the sleep they need each day. There is just no easy answer for daycare it seems!!!

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I am a grandparent and watch my grandson every day. We have our routine. However, if my daughter asks me to do or not to do something, I oblige. It is, after all, her child. I see nothing wrong with your request. Once my grandson leaves, my daughter has to deal with it all and if what I do makes it more difficult or her, what is the point of me being here? I think your in-laws need to check themselves and honor your requests. They may have raised children, but, they are not raising yours and this is a mistake alot of grandparents make. Grandparents don't know everything and we need to be openminded and supportive enough not to get mad over something we may not agree with.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I think if you make a request to anyone caring for your children, they should listen to you and honor your request. End of story.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I totally agree with you - as new moms we all know that the number one struggle we all face is SLEEPING babies. It's so essential to get our little ones into a good sleep routine, that makes it easier on mom and dad. Your IL's, while they probably love having a sleeping baby in their arms, are doing a disservice to your son and to you. You should all be on the same page in terms of what's best for your son.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

Posted by -Lisa-

I'm of the midset that you shouldn't control grandparents too much. They did their parenting, now they can do some spoiling, as long as its not harming your child.

If it was me, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it. It sounds like they're watching the boys regularly, and they're not always going to be able to do everything the way you do. Babies are pretty adaptable. I wouldn't have gotten mad or started a fight about it, but I may have mentioned the effect its having.

I think its adorable that he rocks them to sleep on his belly! (but of course, I'm not the one dealing with your screaming child at the end of the day)

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

How often are the boys with your ILs? Are you paying for their time?

Remember, all of our babies go through good and bad patches with sleep -- you don't know that what they are doing is the cause of your issues.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I hate to say this and I'm sure I'm in the minority here, but I think there are certain things you have to "suck up" when family is watching your children. When my oldest was 12-24 months, my mother watched her regularly for me one day a week (it was a very long 10-12 hour day) and although she always tried to comply with my wishes there were things she did differently. I always felt that this was the trade off for not having to use day care until she was 2. She was in her own home, with a person who couldn't love her more (my mother traveled from Nassau County and spent the night before in my house so that my daughter would be comfortable and in her own surroundings). Looking back now some of this stuff just works itself out, and children learn (even babies) that the rules in your house are different than with grandma. In addition, if your boys were in daycare they would not be doing everything the way you prefer because they have the needs of other babies to consider.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

Maybe matthew just likes the " smell of him" maybe ask to borrow a shirt from him or your FIl colonge and put it near his crib.

It is a tough call since they are watching them.. I have a don't tell policy with my inlaws... I never tell them what to do and they just leave out the things that annoy me..

Good luck

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

You are absolutely not wrong. You are their parents. I think its totally immature of them to give you the cold shoulder when you request that they do/don't do certain things with YOUR children.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

I would just let it go for now, your DH said something to them which was good, so lets see if they listen now, if they dont then I would say something to them again. Its your babies, you have every right to say how you feel!

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

You are absolutely NOT wrong. There are some battles just not worth fighting but not when it comes to respecting your decisions. Plus, sleep issues are difficult.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

You should stand your ground.

My mother watches my brother's kids and she does the same thing. She lives with them during the workweek and she coddles them to the point where the kids can't sleep in their own cribs. she started allowing my niece and my nephew to sleep in her room with their beds pushed up against hers. The result - neither child can sleep on their own now. On the weekends, when my mom isn't there, my sister-in-law sleeps in my mother's room with my niece and my brother in their bedroom with my nephew.

They're your kids and when it comes down to things that ultimately affect your child's behavior when you are alone with them you should absolutely have a say.

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

On the flip side maybe Matthew was giving them a problem at nap time and your FIL discovered that he falls asleep on him pretty well and does this to make things easier on them...I am sure they don't want to hear a screaming baby

My dad watches Kerri and does everything he can not to have her cry, I don't say anything because A) He is doing me a tremendous favor and saving me lots of $$$$$
B) He is giving up his time to watch her so I want it to go as smoothly for him as possible

I think thats the price you pay for family watching your children

Re: Am I wrong for being mad??

Thanks ladies for all your advice. I think I just have to suck it up...we had a little talk today...is it going to get better, well I hope, but I guess there will be things that we will agree and disagree with.
Yes, they are saving me lots of $$$, so I just keep thinking that in the back of my head.