how would you handle this?

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my BIL in the past, but I really can't stand him at this point. DH and I (as well as the rest of the family) can't stand BIL's wife. She's just not a nice person. She tries to pull BIL away from the rest of the family and is very successful at it. They rarely attend family functions, and they go away with her family for all of the big holidays. She does not like DH even being at their apartment and makes him feel very uncomfortable.
I have always made it a point to do my best to keep the peace between DH and his brother. I never get on BIL about his wife and how she treats everyone. And I always go out of my way to make him feel welcome in our home.
Well 2 weeks ago DH was in the city for a training course so he went to hang out with his brother and his wife. He said everything was fine until they all had a couple of drinks in them and then BIL's wife started bashing me. As disprespectful as that is, it doesn't come as a surprise to me- she's just like that. The problem is, my BIL completely backed her up and the two of them tag-teamed DH. He wound up storming out and has not spoken to his brother since.
I know that DH and his brother wil make up, but I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to play in this now. He obviously has nothing nice to say about me and I'm not sure how fake and nice I can be towards him as this point. Like I said earlier, I have pretty much vowed to never get in the way of DH and his brother's relationship, but how am I supposed to be around someone who has no problem talking cr@p behind my back? Usually when BIL comes up to White Plains he sleeps at our house. Part of me just doesn't want him around anymore. Am I supposed to suck it up and ignore the fact that he was talking sh!t, should I just make sure to have plans outside of the house when he's going to be over, or should I just confront him? I just don't know what to do, and I don't want to start trouble for DH.

Re: how would you handle this?

why did ur dh tell u they said these things? i dont see why he'd tell u that they were saying bad things about you especially if they were drunk.. i kno u dont wanna start trouble for ur dh but he kind of started it when he didnt stop them from speaking badly about u and instead TOLD u what they said..jmo

Re: how would you handle this?

It's hard because nothing was said *to you.* My BIL wrote me a letter saying he wished I had never married his brother, I don't know how to be part of a family, etc., so I said he is not welcome in my home EVER. I don't care if DH hangs out with him but he is not welcome to my home, and when he calls and I see his name on caller ID I do not answer.

Did your DH stick up for you? Honestly, I think it is your DH's place to say to him if he feels that strongly about you, then he isn't welcome in your home. Don't make it that you are the bad guy--it's DH's brother and his responsibility.

BIL had the nerve to ask to stay, and my DH said you know you are not welcome after you said what you said to/about my wife. You are my brother but my wife is most important. It was hard because BIL was living in a car but DH knew we could not give in after what he had done.

Your DH needs to be the one to tell them that it is unacceptable to talk about you that way.

Message edited 8/28/2006 9:59:20 AM.

Re: how would you handle this?

as a side note im shocked how bil's and sil's and every1 gets all up in ur business with each others SO's!! this is why i never wanna get married..who needs more family drama... im mad FOR you girls!!

Re: how would you handle this?

Well, here's the thing...

What were they saying to "bash" you? Was there some kind of miscommunication or issue that happened in the family that they're wrong about and that upset them? Maybe it's something you can approach them about, especially if you're going to be staying in a house with them. I'm sure you don't want to just not be in the way of your DH's relationship with his brother, but I'm sure you want to have a *good* relationship with him as well. And his wife. Maybe the air needs to be cleared. Maybe a bottle of wine and a sit-down would be in order. Good luck to you.

Re: how would you handle this?

Well DH needs to decide if he can allow this behaviour. IMO it is not for you to get into, especially since you were not there. As far as allowing your BIL to stay at your house, for me those days would be over.

It sounds like your SIL has gotten her claws deep into your BIL & he is picking up some of her hate & hostility. For now, I;d just as soon stay out of it. Either he will come around or he will not, but this is definitely something he & you DH need to work out on their own.

Re: how would you handle this?

I wouldn't be making plans to be outside the house if BIL was coming by - mainly because he'd no longer be welcome in my home. I'd tell DH that he can make up with his brother but don't expect me to be apart of it until BIL comes to me and apologizes.

I agree on playing nice for family harmony but you are owed an apology.

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I'm so sorry to hear this. Was there something specific that your BIL and his wife mentioned that irks them about you? Could it be their perception is way off? Maybe they are intimidated by you? They sound like very insecure people. It's also really obnoxious to bash you to their brother. DId they really think he wasn't going to defend you? Did they think he would throw you under the bus?

I would let your DH handle the situation. I would not leave my house if they come over. Also, why would they come over if they dislike you so much? If your DH wants to see his brother he can do it w/o you. They would not be welcome in my house.

Re: how would you handle this?

wow! First, I am so sorry that happened

If I were in your position, unless there was an apology, I wouldn’t want BIL in my house. I am very happy that your DH stuck up for you.

What does your DH say about all of this? Have you spoken to your MIL about it?

Re: how would you handle this?

I'm so sorry this happened, especially after all the other crap your BIL's wife has done to you in the past.

It would be simple for me, they wouldn't be allowed in my home. If they have no respect for you why should you for them. Also if your DH doesn't take a stand they will keep doing it.

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Re: how would you handle this?

Honestly, I would sit down with all of them. Or at least say something. I'm not the type to let things like that slide.

Until I cleared the air, he wouldn't be in my house.

Re: how would you handle this?

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by LaurenExp

Well, here's the thing...

What were they saying to "bash" you? Was there some kind of miscommunication or issue that happened in the family that they're wrong about and that upset them? Maybe it's something you can approach them about, especially if you're going to be staying in a house with them. I'm sure you don't want to just not be in the way of your DH's relationship with his brother, but I'm sure you want to have a *good* relationship with him as well. And his wife. Maybe the air needs to be cleared. Maybe a bottle of wine and a sit-down would be in order. Good luck to you.

A sit down is not going to be effective at this point, it's way beyond that. BIL's wife has been filling his head with lies for a long time. DH definitley stood up for me and things wound up getting pretty ugly. He set a lot of the record straight and showed his brother how/where his wife was lying to him, but it didn't seem to make much of a difference to BIL. It was mostly his wife who was going on and on with the name calling, but BIL was backing up her feelings and certainly wasn't telling her to quiet down and not disrespect me.
I've just had enough at this point. This has been ongoing for years now and this b!atch needds to get over herself. They even had the nerve to say that they don't go to family functions because DH and I are there. They suggested that maybe DH and I shouldn't go sometimes so that they could. Um grow up. My in-laws would have a heart attack if DH and I didn't go somewhere so that BIL and his wife could instead.

Re: how would you handle this?

Sorry this happened. This girl sounds like a big meanie! And what was she thinking tellling yoru DH all that stuff. She is entitled to feel it, but to tell DH. Not a very bright girl.

If you really don't want to get inbetween your DH and BIL, I would make plans when BIL is visiting. But I would not let him sleep in my home. There is no way that someone can disrespect me and then come sleep in my house. That is just wrong. If you have to see them, I would just be cold. Polite, but cold.

Re: how would you handle this?

Maybe you need to have a talk with SIL? This is a bold move, but maybe hash it out once and for all?

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Re: how would you handle this?

im so sorry that they spoke like that about you...that is very wrong and they should keep their comments to themselves...

since BIL is your husbands Brother, i guess you cant stay away from him 100%- but if you know in advance that he was coming around, i would completely not be there...

he also should apologize to you..

Re: how would you handle this?

I have learned the hard way that the best way to deal with these things is to confront them. I would say that you should maybe meet with them at a mutual place and put the cards on the table.

Re: how would you handle this?

I would definitely confront your BIL and SIL. That is sooo rude and can't believe they would have the nerve to talk about you to your dh...

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Re: how would you handle this?

Re: how would you handle this?

I would confront them. there is no way. I have a lot of problems with my husband's SIL...she has been a b!tfch to me for well over 10 years, but when she gets out of line, I defend myself to her.

not everyone is everyone elses cup of tea. but there is a way to be an adult...it's amazing how childish people can be. Nip it in the bud.

Re: how would you handle this?

Posted by jf1975

I would confront them. there is no way. I have a lot of problems with my husband's SIL...she has been a b!tfch to me for well over 10 years, but when she gets out of line, I defend myself to her.

not everyone is everyone elses cup of tea. but there is a way to be an adult...it's amazing how childish people can be. Nip it in the bud.

Re: how would you handle this?

I had a lot of problems with SIL and (ex) BIL. It was the same kind of situation where if we were going to a family function they wouldn't go. They didn't want us around their kids or something...really it was ex-BIL and really they were using the kids as a weapon or a pawn in their crazy game, whcih is really unfair, because the kids had years of missing out on their uncle and aunt who love them (We're seeing them tomorrow though ).

The way I would feel in your situation, and I've been there, is "if you want to talk sh*t about me...F you". I mean, if they cant go to a function b/c you're there, then BIL can't stay at your house either. F them.

We didn't talk to FH's family for a year and it was really hard, but when we finally fully stood our ground things got a lot better and they realized they had to respect us or not see us at all.

Re: how would you handle this?

i wish i knew how to help you with this , that is wrong what they said and how they act... i just want to offer you some hugs