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Please I need advice girls.....

Posted By Message

sumlynmad
...bonds...

Member since 4/07

2080 total posts

Name:
Summer

Please I need advice girls.....

k, i know i am not on anymore, sucks.......

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But i need ur advice, big time

Hannah just got home from going out with her aunt (DH sister)...

they went out for ralphs

hannah got home, talked about it, etc etc

we asked her if aunt got any ice

she said no

we said really?

she said- yeah, her belly is fat and she didnt want any

hannah is repeating what she obviously heard

i do NOT NOT NOT NOT use the word fat

ever

ever

ever

and the fact that she used it is making me SO MAD

i do NOT need my daughter hearing that word

it is almost worse than a curse word...

i know, i sound pathetic, but really

i grew up with an eating disorder for almost 10 years......

from like, age 15-23/24

bc i thought i was fat

gregs sister is not fat, she is a little, a LITTLE, chbby around the middle (who isnt??!!)

hannah is young, but still

what do i do??

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Message edited 4/12/2010 6:49:24 PM.

Posted 4/12/10 6:48 PM
 
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Peainapod
Peanuts are here!

Member since 1/09

13591 total posts

Name:
Diana

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

i would privately talk to your sister in law and say nicely that you heard your DD repeat what she said. I would explain that you do not use that word around your daughter b/c of your own experiences and hope that she can be more mindful of that when she is with your DD.

Posted 4/12/10 6:51 PM
 

JerseyMamaOf3
Boo!

Member since 6/05

15144 total posts

Name:

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

I think you need to speak to her about it and explain where you are coming from ( regarding the eating disorder you over came).

My brothers GF did that when they were playing pretend with barbies. The GF said they cooking veggies because it is healthy and something about being fat. I was really annoyed but didn't say anything. I figured if I heard it again I would say something.

My mother always complained about her weight. I was obsessed about my weight but never dealt with an eating disorder. Ever since having kids I think I have only complained to DH in private.

Posted 4/12/10 6:53 PM
 

sumlynmad
...bonds...

Member since 4/07

2080 total posts

Name:
Summer

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

good advice

i mean, i dont think it is just me, as far as what EYE went through or anything..........

"society" is bad enough with the whole weight thing...

i just think "fat" is a horrible word........

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Posted 4/12/10 6:53 PM
 

Peainapod
Peanuts are here!

Member since 1/09

13591 total posts

Name:
Diana

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by sumlynmad

good advice

i mean, i dont think it is just me, as far as what EYE went through or anything..........

"society" is bad enough with the whole weight thing...

i just think "fat" is a horrible word........

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it is..and growing up i was a stick and always made fun of b/c i was so skinny & bony. You cant friggan win!!

Posted 4/12/10 6:56 PM
 

ReiRei13
Life is Good!!

Member since 1/08

6460 total posts

Name:

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by Peainapod

Posted by sumlynmad

good advice

i mean, i dont think it is just me, as far as what EYE went through or anything..........

"society" is bad enough with the whole weight thing...

i just think "fat" is a horrible word........

Chat Icon




it is..and growing up i was a stick and always made fun of b/c i was so skinny & bony. You cant friggan win!!


ITA! I wouldn't wear shorts for years because I was always made fun of for my chicken legs. Def can't win!

As far as what happened with your DD, I'd def speak privately with your SIL.

Posted 4/12/10 7:03 PM
 

Celt
~~~~~~~~~~

Member since 4/08

7758 total posts

Name:
colette

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Are you ok with a differing opinion??? Here's my $0.02... (*I also have a family member who suffered TERRIBLY for years with anorexia and bulimia so I am *highly* sensitive to the eating disorder background that prompts this threadyour concerns Chat Icon) but...
I think you're chasing your tail on this one... You can TRY to excise the word "fat" from your SIL's vocabulary when she's around Hannah, but does that really achieve the goal here?? Firstly it probably won't work-most people at some time or another label themselves with that word, whether it's real or perceived.... So if it's your SIL today it could be your MIL tomorrow, your teenage cousin next month, the lady on line at Friendly's next week, you get the point. It's not practical to try to shield Hannah from hearing it, both from strangers or family members.
Secondly, it may pizz off SIL, I don't know how sensitive she is or what your relationship is like...
Lastly, the word itself is not the problem... allllll the work you do now with Hannah to create a strong sense of confidence, the priority you place on eating healthy and exercising, as well as dealing with frustration and disappointment, will be WAY more effective than any vocabulary management you can do on anyone outside of your home. Most eating disorders are a symptom of a desire for CONTROL, not a "cosmetic" issue (though that's more often than not the catalyst). So those "life skills" you teach her will have the biggest impact in years to come.

Of course if you ever heard Hannah calling herself or anyone else "fat" that would be heartbreaking, and would deserve a long chat about self-esteem and labels, etc. But for now she's just an innocent little kid - who's BOUND to hear inappropriate stuff every day that she's out in the world.

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Posted 4/12/10 7:23 PM
 

DanaRenee
Fitness Junkie!

Member since 6/06

6470 total posts

Name:
Dana

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

I'd just tell her exactly what happened. Ask her like , did you tell Hannah that you were fat or something? ....see what she says and then beg her not to use that word and tell her why. i think its totally understandable why you wouldn't want that word being used...i dont think its a big deal at all if you bring it up

Posted 4/12/10 8:32 PM
 

steph7308
Mommy of 2!!!

Member since 5/08

2083 total posts

Name:
Stephanie

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by Peainapod

Chat Icon

it is..and growing up i was a stick and always made fun of b/c i was so skinny & bony. You cant friggan win!!



same here! i always wished i had some meat on my bones. since i had my dd, im finally at a healthy weight and i love it! being skinny isnt all its cracked out to be.

Posted 4/12/10 8:48 PM
 

Palebride
I am an amazing bakist

Member since 5/05

13673 total posts

Name:
Lori

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by colette

Are you ok with a differing opinion??? Here's my $0.02... (*I also have a family member who suffered TERRIBLY for years with anorexia and bulimia so I am *highly* sensitive to the eating disorder background that prompts this threadyour concerns Chat Icon) but...
I think you're chasing your tail on this one... You can TRY to excise the word "fat" from your SIL's vocabulary when she's around Hannah, but does that really achieve the goal here?? Firstly it probably won't work-most people at some time or another label themselves with that word, whether it's real or perceived.... So if it's your SIL today it could be your MIL tomorrow, your teenage cousin next month, the lady on line at Friendly's next week, you get the point. It's not practical to try to shield Hannah from hearing it, both from strangers or family members.
Secondly, it may pizz off SIL, I don't know how sensitive she is or what your relationship is like...
Lastly, the word itself is not the problem... allllll the work you do now with Hannah to create a strong sense of confidence, the priority you place on eating healthy and exercising, as well as dealing with frustration and disappointment, will be WAY more effective than any vocabulary management you can do on anyone outside of your home. Most eating disorders are a symptom of a desire for CONTROL, not a "cosmetic" issue (though that's more often than not the catalyst). So those "life skills" you teach her will have the biggest impact in years to come.

Of course if you ever heard Hannah calling herself or anyone else "fat" that would be heartbreaking, and would deserve a long chat about self-esteem and labels, etc. But for now she's just an innocent little kid - who's BOUND to hear inappropriate stuff every day that she's out in the world.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



I agree with Colette here.
You can't eliminate the words....but you can change her perception of the words. You can help her to see herself as a beautiful person on the inside, no matter what is on the outside. And you can show her how words can be hurtful. Use it as a time to teach, rather than to stifle.

Posted 4/12/10 9:01 PM
 

staceyd
LIF Adult

Member since 8/08

2052 total posts

Name:
stacey

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by Palebride

Posted by colette

Are you ok with a differing opinion??? Here's my $0.02... (*I also have a family member who suffered TERRIBLY for years with anorexia and bulimia so I am *highly* sensitive to the eating disorder background that prompts this threadyour concerns Chat Icon) but...
I think you're chasing your tail on this one... You can TRY to excise the word "fat" from your SIL's vocabulary when she's around Hannah, but does that really achieve the goal here?? Firstly it probably won't work-most people at some time or another label themselves with that word, whether it's real or perceived.... So if it's your SIL today it could be your MIL tomorrow, your teenage cousin next month, the lady on line at Friendly's next week, you get the point. It's not practical to try to shield Hannah from hearing it, both from strangers or family members.
Secondly, it may pizz off SIL, I don't know how sensitive she is or what your relationship is like...
Lastly, the word itself is not the problem... allllll the work you do now with Hannah to create a strong sense of confidence, the priority you place on eating healthy and exercising, as well as dealing with frustration and disappointment, will be WAY more effective than any vocabulary management you can do on anyone outside of your home. Most eating disorders are a symptom of a desire for CONTROL, not a "cosmetic" issue (though that's more often than not the catalyst). So those "life skills" you teach her will have the biggest impact in years to come.

Of course if you ever heard Hannah calling herself or anyone else "fat" that would be heartbreaking, and would deserve a long chat about self-esteem and labels, etc. But for now she's just an innocent little kid - who's BOUND to hear inappropriate stuff every day that she's out in the world.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



I agree with Colette here.
You can't eliminate the words....but you can change her perception of the words. You can help her to see herself as a beautiful person on the inside, no matter what is on the outside. And you can show her how words can be hurtful. Use it as a time to teach, rather than to stifle.



I agree with this too... society is constantly deciding what is "pretty" and what is "desireable"... I think your job is to teach her the extent to how hurtful the word can be... so she knows it is usually inappropriate word to say... Kids will be kids and they will say things that we disapprove... but in my mind... as long as she understands and doesnt use it in a hurtful way.... you have done your job as a mom..

Posted 4/12/10 9:05 PM
 

sumlynmad
...bonds...

Member since 4/07

2080 total posts

Name:
Summer

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

thanks girls......

it just kinda hit me and stuff

hannah is growing up

i am sure she is going to be called stupid or somethjing when shes older, or called fat by a boy

it just STINKS

i wish i could keep her form all this, but in reality, i guess i cant

colette, great advice, thanks so much. i do agree with you. you bring up some great points about tackling it from the other way

raising kids is SOOOOO hard

remember i complained about emerson and not getting sleep?

well this is WAY harder, way harder, way harder

Posted 4/12/10 9:21 PM
 

Celt
~~~~~~~~~~

Member since 4/08

7758 total posts

Name:
colette

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

It's always the tightrope we walk - our natural instinct is to protect them from EVERYTHING. But we can't, nor should we be able to, really. I want to raise a person who's capable of living and thriving in the real world - not a hothouse flower who goes to pieces when exposed to the elements, kwim? I'll take coping skills over false reality any day of the week. And I know this thinking will be tested, I KNOW it's ahead of me. But it's like building a house, if the foundation is built on fear, or anger or negativity, the end result is going to be pretty shaky. Chat Icon

Posted 4/12/10 9:32 PM
 

twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥

Member since 11/07

10116 total posts

Name:
Gabi

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by colette

It's always the tightrope we walk - our natural instinct is to protect them from EVERYTHING. But we can't, nor should we be able to, really. I want to raise a person who's capable of living and thriving in the real world - not a hothouse flower who goes to pieces when exposed to the elements, kwim? I'll take coping skills over false reality any day of the week. And I know this thinking will be tested, I KNOW it's ahead of me. But it's like building a house, if the foundation is built on fear, or anger or negativity, the end result is going to be pretty shaky. Chat Icon



Dude, you always give such thoughtful, logical and sound advice. I heart you.

Posted 4/12/10 9:40 PM
 

mooshyboo
So Blessed!

Member since 11/07

6297 total posts

Name:
Christine

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by Peainapod

i would privately talk to your sister in law and say nicely that you heard your DD repeat what she said. I would explain that you do not use that word around your daughter b/c of your own experiences and hope that she can be more mindful of that when she is with your DD.




ITA! Good Luck! Chat Icon

Posted 4/12/10 9:42 PM
 

mooshyboo
So Blessed!

Member since 11/07

6297 total posts

Name:
Christine

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by staceyd

Posted by Palebride

Posted by colette

Are you ok with a differing opinion??? Here's my $0.02... (*I also have a family member who suffered TERRIBLY for years with anorexia and bulimia so I am *highly* sensitive to the eating disorder background that prompts this threadyour concerns Chat Icon) but...
I think you're chasing your tail on this one... You can TRY to excise the word "fat" from your SIL's vocabulary when she's around Hannah, but does that really achieve the goal here?? Firstly it probably won't work-most people at some time or another label themselves with that word, whether it's real or perceived.... So if it's your SIL today it could be your MIL tomorrow, your teenage cousin next month, the lady on line at Friendly's next week, you get the point. It's not practical to try to shield Hannah from hearing it, both from strangers or family members.
Secondly, it may pizz off SIL, I don't know how sensitive she is or what your relationship is like...
Lastly, the word itself is not the problem... allllll the work you do now with Hannah to create a strong sense of confidence, the priority you place on eating healthy and exercising, as well as dealing with frustration and disappointment, will be WAY more effective than any vocabulary management you can do on anyone outside of your home. Most eating disorders are a symptom of a desire for CONTROL, not a "cosmetic" issue (though that's more often than not the catalyst). So those "life skills" you teach her will have the biggest impact in years to come.

Of course if you ever heard Hannah calling herself or anyone else "fat" that would be heartbreaking, and would deserve a long chat about self-esteem and labels, etc. But for now she's just an innocent little kid - who's BOUND to hear inappropriate stuff every day that she's out in the world.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



I agree with Colette here.
You can't eliminate the words....but you can change her perception of the words. You can help her to see herself as a beautiful person on the inside, no matter what is on the outside. And you can show her how words can be hurtful. Use it as a time to teach, rather than to stifle.



I agree with this too... society is constantly deciding what is "pretty" and what is "desireable"... I think your job is to teach her the extent to how hurtful the word can be... so she knows it is usually inappropriate word to say... Kids will be kids and they will say things that we disapprove... but in my mind... as long as she understands and doesnt use it in a hurtful way.... you have done your job as a mom..



I agree with Collette & Stacey toooo....

Posted 4/12/10 9:46 PM
 

Celt
~~~~~~~~~~

Member since 4/08

7758 total posts

Name:
colette

Re: Please I need advice girls.....

Posted by twinkletoes807

Posted by colette

It's always the tightrope we walk - our natural instinct is to protect them from EVERYTHING. But we can't, nor should we be able to, really. I want to raise a person who's capable of living and thriving in the real world - not a hothouse flower who goes to pieces when exposed to the elements, kwim? I'll take coping skills over false reality any day of the week. And I know this thinking will be tested, I KNOW it's ahead of me. But it's like building a house, if the foundation is built on fear, or anger or negativity, the end result is going to be pretty shaky. Chat Icon



Dude, you always give such thoughtful, logical and sound advice. I heart you.



Awww Gabi how SWEET!!! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I'm going to print this and show it to my mother, she'll be so proud Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/12/10 9:49 PM
 
 

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