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HelenZ
So worth the wait :)
Member since 10/07 2862 total posts
Name:
Helen
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heartbreaking update
I wanted to say thank you all for all of your prayers, thoughts & FM's, I know a lot of you have followed my progress in the past few weeks since we got bad news at our Level II sono. Unfortunately I don't have good news to share, since we have lost our "little bean".....earlier this week we had another ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I had a choice of D&E surgery or induction. I chose to be induced and go through labor & delivery. So after 33 hours of "labor" our little bean was delivered on Wednesday at North Shore Manhasset, at 21w6d. DH and I knew we wanted to hold our baby, but we were not sure if we could handle finding out the gender....so they didn't tell us after delivery. When they brought the baby into the room for us, the nurse said the hat they put on the baby gives away the gender...so my husband said he wanted to know and I said I was okay with knowing too......so she lifted the blanket up and as soon as I saw the pink hat I was hysterically crying.....I just knew it was a girl, my intuition was right. We named her Grace "Little Bean" (DH insisted we included the nickname we had used throughout my pregnancy), and they baptized her in the hospital. She is being cremated so we can eventually have her ashes with us in our final resting place (we didn't feel right about having her at a cemetery in one of those baby graves without us)....and we're going to buy a memorial brick at NS Manhasset's baby garden, they do dedications every October, so that's very fitting for us since it will be just before my due date.
I have been an emotional trainwreck since we got home from the hospital yesterday....I didn't want to leave the hospital without her, it's just hard to comprehend that all our dreams can change so quickly. Even though our baby girl was sick she was our daughter and we will never ever forget her. We held her at the hospital for 3 hours and we took some pictures that hopefully one day I will be able to look at again. They are doing an autopsy but we probably won't have the results for a month....I am hoping that gives us closure but I know it will also make me feel like I'm going through this loss all over again. Depending on what they find, DH and I may have to undergo individual genetic testing....and if we have any issues they mentioned IVF as a possibility to ensure future pregnancies are viable. Now I think back and I really wish my old OB's office would have listened to me and did testing when I miscarried in 2009....it just leaves me to wonder if these two pregnancies are linked in some way.
I wanted to share a dream I had the night before my level II sono (before we ever knew of any problems in this pregnancy!)....I had a dream that I delivered our baby early and it was a girl, in my dream I was supposed to be 24 weeks pregnant and it was clearly June 25th, it was an unsettling dream since I was angry that no one had told me I had had the baby and I was looking for her. I woke up thinking how weird it was that twice in this pregnancy I had dreams that I delivered the baby early and both were very vivid dreams. I also had a dream this week of Jesus with his arms wide open, and I don't know if it's my mind running away with me but it gave me comfort to think our baby Grace is safe in the arms of God.
Thank you all for listening.....I know when we try to conceive again it will be with a heavy heart....but I already feel blessed to have been our baby girl's mother if only for 5 months. I have to try to be positive and think of the future, DH and I are closer than ever and we will (somehow) get through this.
eta: Spoke to the funeral home this afternoon, they confirmed Grace will be cremated on Monday....June 25th. So it seems like my dream was some sort of premonition, and that was way back on June 4th....before the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I could still enjoy the simple bliss of pregnancy. I will get there again....one day 
Message edited 6/22/2012 11:39:04 PM.
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Posted 6/22/12 9:40 AM  |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
  you are a very strong woman! I will keep the three of you in my thoughts
may little Grace rest in peace and the two of you find peace through all of this!
Message edited 6/22/2012 9:44:31 AM.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:43 AM |
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TNT1005
LIF Adult
Member since 3/10 1110 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
My heart & prays go out to you and your family during this difficult time.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:43 AM |
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caps612
In love with my little guys!!
Member since 8/10 5108 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
I am so sorry. 
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:45 AM |
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HelenZ
So worth the wait :)
Member since 10/07 2862 total posts
Name:
Helen
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Re: heartbreaking update
Posted by maymama
you are a very strong woman! I will keep the three of your in my thoughts
thank you, it certainly doesn't feel like it right now as I sit here and cry after posting that!
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:47 AM |
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Lara&Aidansmommy
For mom i miss u ETC ILOVEU
Member since 3/07 13921 total posts
Name:
ETC I LOVE YOU
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Re: heartbreaking update
May God be with you and your family during this heartbreaking time. I will pray for you and your family.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:47 AM |
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wo0shply
LIF Adult
Member since 11/08 2702 total posts
Name:
Tass
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Re: heartbreaking update
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:49 AM |
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Karen08
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/08 611 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: heartbreaking update
i'm so sorry!!! that really broke my heart reading this!! i can't even imagine what you & your DH went through!!!
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:50 AM |
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MeganMylo
LIF Adult
Member since 2/09 1128 total posts
Name:
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heartbreaking update
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter! I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:52 AM |
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babyfever08
Love my babies!
Member since 11/08 3938 total posts
Name:
Antonella
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Re: heartbreaking update
I'm so sorry! May God bless your little Grace and give you comfort that she is heaven watching down on you. I can't even imagine what you are going through.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:55 AM |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
i am so sorry for your loss
praying for you and your family
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:55 AM |
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popabubble
I need a clone
Member since 12/09 1143 total posts
Name:
Dianne
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Re: heartbreaking update
I am so sorry for you and your DH.. May your "little bean" rest in peace and may God give you the strength to get through this terrible time. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:56 AM |
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PrettyPeonies
GAW my baby boy <3
Member since 8/10 3874 total posts
Name:
Pino
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heartbreaking update
I so wish I could give you and your DH the biggest hug right now. I am so sorry for your loss. You both are incredibly strong ppl. Grace will always be your baby girl and will always be there to watch over you. Please be sure to take care of yourselves and one another. We are here for you. xoxoxoxox
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| Posted 6/22/12 9:57 AM |
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queensgal
Smile
Member since 4/09 3287 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
I am so sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:01 AM |
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CallaLily
Thank you, Saint Gerard!
Member since 10/07 4937 total posts
Name:
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heartbreaking update
Oh Helen. Words cannot express how sorry I am for the loss of your baby girl. I am sitting here in tears reading your update. You are such a strong woman and I am positive that little Grace will be watching over you from Heaven. I definitely think the dream is a sign and that she is with God and at peace. You and your family are in my prayers.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:01 AM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: heartbreaking update
My heart truly goes out to you and your husband. I've been in your exact position and I know how you feel. You will never ever forget your little girl and the moments you've spent with her.
In time your heart will begin to mend, but know that she will always be with you. She is a piece of you and your husband.
If you ever need to talk or vent, cry, whatever...please know that you are not alone and there are women on here that will support you and lend a shoulder to lean on. I am so sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:01 AM |
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heartbreaking update
Helen,
No words seem good enough to express my sympathy for your loss. I am so incredibly sorry for all you've had to endure these past few weeks. Many prayers for you, your dh and Grace.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:01 AM |
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FergieK
Loving my girls
Member since 7/09 2533 total posts
Name:
Fergie
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Re: heartbreaking update
Heartbreaking, I dont think that there are words to make this situation any easier. My prayers are with you and your family in this terrible situation that you have the strength each to get to another day where you are going to be ok and start again.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:02 AM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: heartbreaking update
Wow I am tearing up having read your update. I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:02 AM |
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IrishMom77
Brothers!!
Member since 8/05 3498 total posts
Name:
Roseann
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Re: heartbreaking update
So sorry for your loss
Hugs to you and your family
May your Little Bean rest in peace
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:05 AM |
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YourMama
LIF Adult
Member since 4/11 913 total posts
Name:
YourMama
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Re: heartbreaking update
I am so incredible sorry to read this update. You and your husband are in my prayers
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:07 AM |
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beautyq115
New Year!
Member since 5/05 13729 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: heartbreaking update
Oh my God! I am truly sorry Helen. I have been following your story. May Grace rest in eternal peace and may God hold her in the palm of his hand always. You and your husband and your angel will be in my thoughts and prayers!
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:08 AM |
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TiggerBounce
The Prince & Princess
Member since 7/05 4939 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: heartbreaking update
Helen- so sorry to hear. I cried reading this - it brought back memories of a loss our family endured. You all are in my thoughts and prayers!
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:08 AM |
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Cacarina
Two girls!
Member since 12/09 2971 total posts
Name:
Cari
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heartbreaking update
Im so sorry to hear this. I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. God bless baby Grace.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:10 AM |
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BBin2012
Full heart!
Member since 8/11 1835 total posts
Name:
Ka
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Re: heartbreaking update
I am so sorry to hear this, I am in tears reading this. I can't imagine what you and your DH and family have been going through. Like other posters said you are incredible strong and an amazing person.
I am so, so sorry about the loss of your baby girl, I still can't believe this happened.
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| Posted 6/22/12 10:12 AM |
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