Going to College Out of State

Question for either parents who have/had kids who went away or if you, yourself went away to school.

My oldest wants to go away. All I see is the logistics of having to come back and forth and emergencies. We dont have a lot saved for college and dont know how that would work.
I feel bad not being able to say how far she can go as it is stressing me out so much.

How does everyone do it?

Going to College Out of State

Is she dead set on going away?
Can you afford/would u be more open to a state school?

I see no reason for kids to go out of state and pay out the ass in loans etc unless they have a lot of scholarships or are dedicated students towards their degree. Like if you want to be a vet and you have amazing grades, ok, go out of state. If you're going for something generic and there's a cheaper state school nearby, then I think that's the best route. Jmo.

As far as traveling home, certain schools are good because you can take the ferry. So let's say a school in RI or CT, etc. you can hop on ferry and it's not so far.

I went Away - so far I was bordering Canada. I hated it. I came home and finished up here. It was good to get it out of my system but I truly don't think all kids are equipped emotionally to be that far from home at that young age. :)

Message edited 8/11/2015 7:47:05 PM.

Going to College Out of State

I didn't go out of state but it was 6 hours away. There was never a single emergency. If I got sick I learned to take care of myself and get to the clinic. I did have a few deaths in the family but I worked that out too. There are always buses, trains and planes.

My parents took be to college freshman year and picked me up at the end of the year. Other than that I was on my own to figure it out. Looked on ride boards or took the bus.

I think it made be very independent.

Going to College Out of State

I went out of state to a school that wasn't too much more than a SUNY school at the time. The first year I didn't have a car so if I wanted to go home I had to take amtrak. For weekend trips, I paid for my ticket myself. For holidays, my parents paid for my ticket or they would pick me up (or send my bf, now DH, to pick me up lol). I was miserable my first year so the next year and every year after, I was allowed to bring my car.

Even though it was OOS, it was still cheaper than if I had gone to a non-SUNY local school. I went to a public school 3 hours away.

Message edited 8/11/2015 7:52:37 PM.

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If she's not mature enough yet, you can also offer up the idea of paying community college 2 years and then she can do what she wants and take out loans for it.

I also agree with the others that they will need to spread their wings and figure out their way back and forth. That's part of becoming an adult.

Going to College Out of State

I went to CT. It was 2 hours away and just a ferry ride I went to sacred heart just on the other side of port Jeff ferry. It was private and I am fortunate I had a half scholarship and parents who were able to pay the rest. However I am a huge proponent of going away. There's no experience like it and it truly was the best 4 years I learned so much about myself and the world outside of the bubble I lived in. In the future when we have children I will encourage them to go away but ultimately it will be their choice. Everything works out and it will be the best experience ever! Good luck!!
In my 4 years we had 1 emergency and my dad was VERY ill. I was a senior and had my car at school from sophomore- senior year. I made it home in an hour (I drove VERY FAST ) but I never regretted my decision. To add I never wanted to go away. My parents forced me to go away and gain some life experience and become independent and I am so thankful they did

Message edited 8/11/2015 8:26:23 PM.

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Posted by MrsB12614

I went to CT. It was 2 hours away and just a ferry ride I went to sacred heart just on the other side of port Jeff ferry. It was private and I am fortunate I had a half scholarship and parents who were able to pay the rest. However I am a huge proponent of going away. There's no experience like it and it truly was the best 4 years I learned so much about myself and the world outside of the bubble I lived in. In the future when we have children I will encourage them to go away but ultimately it will be their choice. Everything works out and it will be the best experience ever! Good luck!!
In my 4 years we had 1 emergency and my dad was VERY ill. I was a senior and had my car at school from sophomore- senior year. I made it home in an hour (I drove VERY FAST ) but I never regretted my decision. To add I never wanted to go away. My parents forced me to go away and gain some life experience and become independent and I am so thankful they did

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I went to school in Florida. I came home for thanksgiving and winter breaks. Spring breaks I went away. Sometimes Jewish holidays I would also come home.

It was hard when my friends could drive home on weekends and I couldnt, but I wouldn't have changed where I went.

Going to College Out of State

I went far away for school (New Orleans) and it was extremely worth it. My parents always told me that I could go wherever I wanted as long as I did well and got scholarship money and financial aid, which I did. I met so many different types of people from all walks of life and really felt that I had an experience like no other. Yes, it wasn't easy on us financially and I still have student loans but I wouldn't trade them for the experience I received. I was NOT an independent kid but I was reliable so being so far away from them helped me gain the independence I needed.

If you can swing it, I truly think that going away for school (if it happens to be out of state) is an amazing experience.

Side note: We used a financial aid counselor to figure out the best schools for me to apply to. I received A TON of aid from private schools that wanted "diversity"--- I was from a very middle class area of LI so it helped. We wouldn't have been so lucky with aid at an out-of-state state school.

Message edited 8/11/2015 8:57:39 PM.

Going to College Out of State

I went away for school my first two years and even though I decided to finish out my degree at home, I highly recommend going away if possible. You learn so much being out on your own. Make sure logistics are planned out ahead of time. I only came home for major holidays and we would carpool. My dad would come to pick a group of us up and then another parent would return us to school. My DH took either the greyhound or he was able to hook up with someone to ride back home and split gas cost.

Message edited 8/11/2015 9:20:38 PM.

Going to College Out of State

I went to a suny school 3.5-4 hours away. I'm glad I went away. My parents are very involved and it allowed me to be independent.

As for getting rides home, my friend from HS had a car. If she wasn't going home, I'd either take the bus or my parents would come get me. By the middle of sophomore year, I had a car.

Message edited 8/11/2015 9:37:30 PM.

Re: Going to College Out of State

Posted by MichLiz213

Posted by MrsB12614

I went to CT. It was 2 hours away and just a ferry ride I went to sacred heart just on the other side of port Jeff ferry. It was private and I am fortunate I had a half scholarship and parents who were able to pay the rest. However I am a huge proponent of going away. There's no experience like it and it truly was the best 4 years I learned so much about myself and the world outside of the bubble I lived in. In the future when we have children I will encourage them to go away but ultimately it will be their choice. Everything works out and it will be the best experience ever! Good luck!!
In my 4 years we had 1 emergency and my dad was VERY ill. I was a senior and had my car at school from sophomore- senior year. I made it home in an hour (I drove VERY FAST ) but I never regretted my decision. To add I never wanted to go away. My parents forced me to go away and gain some life experience and become independent and I am so thankful they did

That's where I went. I was only there a semester though, because eight days after I moved in, away from home for the first time, was September 11th. I transferred home.

I felt more independent commuting to Stony Brook and having a part-time job than I did living on campus of a small school. But that was my personal experience.

Does she know what she wants to major in? Although a lot of college freshmen wind up changing their majors, it may help her decision. I would also look into SUNY schools.

Going to College Out of State

I went away to school - far away. Indiana University. 17 hour drive. The only time my parents drove me was going there as a freshmen because it made more sense to pack up the car with all my dorm room necessities. After that, I flew home but only on major holidays when I had a decent amount of time off (spring break, semester break). For holidays like Thanksgiving and Easter, I was "adopted" by sorority sisters who lived within driving distance and went home with them for the weekend. My mom would always ship a basket of NY goodies to the parents to thank them for hosting me (bagels, black and white cookies, etc.) I truly believe that going away to college helped shape me into the person I am today. I became incredibly independent and self-reliant -- learned to balance my own finances, solve problems without running to my parents first, etc. I know that my next comment might be specific to me and my circle of friends but I still (at 30 years old) notice a huge difference between my friends that went away to school and my friends who stayed local and lived at home with their parents, mostly in terms of maturity and independence. If its financially possible, I highly recommend going away for school.

Going to College Out of State

I went away my freshman year and then came home. I agree with the pp who said they were more independent than if they lived on campus. I commuted to school, worked 20-30 hours a week, bought my own clothes, had my own spending money. Obviously I wasn't paying bills, etc, but I was much more independent than my friends whose parents deposited beer money into their bank acct every week and went to class in pajamas. Ultimately, going away wasn't for me and I never regretted being home.

DH went away (about 4 hours upstate) and says those were the best years of his life. He had his car with him though and it sounds like he went home often enough. I didn't know him then, but from what I've heard he and his friends were far from responsible adults. He is now, but a few of his friends are 30 year old hot messes.

I think it depends on the kid. If she wants to go away, you/she will find a way. No one can afford college, but everyone goes. But, whether or not she goes away to college will no bearing on how responsible of an adult she will become.

Going to College Out of State

Is she set on going out of state only? She can still go away to school and be far enough away to truly be away without being so far that logistics make it expensive to travel back and forth. There are plenty of schools within NY, NJ and Ct that are a few hours away but not so far that travel would require plane rides etc. Why not look into schools that are a 3-5 hour car ride away if you are concerned about travel expenses

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Thank you everyone.

Yes, she has a certain major she wants and they don't offer it at many schools (even though I know the first year is just main subjects).

She is independent now so I am not worrying about that aspect but she constantly texts and calls me just when I am at work and she is home so I don't know how she would be able to go across the country lol.

I worry about things like plane fare for all the times she has to come home when the school closes down. She actually was looking into where my mom lives and I would feel better if she went there as while she would not live with my mom, there is always that back up.

I know everything always works out and I am that person who tells others that but right now there is so much stress and it is that age that it will always be MY fault if things don't go the exact way she thinks it should. lol.

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Well, this could be her chance to make mistakes too.

They wouldn't be your fault either.

I made dumb mistakes when I was in college and it was often when I didn't listen to my parents LOL.

Most kids won't admit that though till years later.

Going to College Out of State

I went to school 8 hrs away. It was a private college in Virginia with generous alumni so it was cheaper for me to go there than to go to a state school.

I couldn't come home on a whim (and sometimes I wanted to) but, it taught me independence and I had a wonderful experience.

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I had the opposite situation.

I went to an in-state school (in NJ) about an hour away from home. Right before my sophomore year, my mom moved to Florida. I stayed in NJ. I would visit her on long breaks (Christmas/Spring Break/part of the summer), but otherwise would stay with relatives (Thanksgiving/majority of summer).

I really did learn how to be on my own and take care of stuff without her help.

Going to College Out of State

I also stayed home and went to a 4 year in state college. I feel like a previous poster -- it made me incredibly responsible. I had to go to school full time, work 20+ hrs a week, pay for my own car, gas, clothes, "hanging out" etc. I know a lot of ppl who went away and had meal plans, were given spending money to play with, and didnt have to work a day. Those people all seem to be having a much harder time in their personal lives than me, and some other people i know that were in my same situation. I think there is no one size fits all answer to that -- different kids are going to react differently.

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I didn't go out of state, but I dormed. It was about a 45 minute drive on the weekends, would have been much longer commuting daily.

I needed to go away. My parents were very over protective; I was always told I wouldn't be able to handle living away from home. We fought about it a lot, but I only applied to one LI school & 2 city schools , where I planned to dorm, but could commute if I had too, and 2 NJ schools. I absolutely loved it, and my parents were ok b/c they could come get me if needed & I could take the train home.

My cousins both went out of state, but to Amtrak-able locations--Philadelphia & Delaware.
The one in Philly was able to come home on short notice via Amtrak & LIRR when our grandfather died. The one in Delaware injured himself while away, but took care of it himself via the health center & then a local urgent care.

When applying, look for the statistics schools publish about how what percentage of student receive financial aid. I couldn't have gone away if it weren't for my scholarship, loans & grant.

We didn't have money saved either--My dad was out of work for a year when I was a freshman in HS (so no adding to savings, and they had to use some of what they had for expenses), and my brother graduated 2 years before me, so we overlapped. (He didn't go away but he didn't want to.)

ETA- just saw your post that she is looking for something specific. Then I would say let her go if she really know what she wants. She can still text you all the time from far away.

You can also encourage her to work& save money to come home.( split the airfare with her) Some of my friends who lived far away (like Chicago) would stay with someone more local for some of the breaks. We had to leave the dorms for breaks. Some schools you don't have to & if you get an off campus apartment you don't have to leave.

Message edited 8/12/2015 10:24:27 AM.

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Thanks everyone. It is really hard as she also has ADHD so she changes her mind every 3 seconds and I don't want her going someplace and then a month later want to come home. I am sure she will love being away though and just worry about the travel aspect of getting back and forth. I think that is my biggest worry as she is a good kid, has no interest in drinking or drugs or running around.