Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

My daughter is in 7th grade, I allowed her to have a "boyfriend" ONLY because I'm friends with his mom and I've known the kid for many years. They were never alone together and it was more friends but called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. They were "dating" for 6 months but half the time they didn't even speak to each other.

This school year they were in almost every class together but he didn't even walk with her to class. She didn't seem to care much, he would come over on the weekends and we would include him in our family outings and parties.

Last Thursday afternoon he texts her they don't talk enough anymore so they aren't dating. My daughter just replied "Ok bye" I was very proud. He texted and asked if they could still be friends, he has a lot on his mind and he's sorry. So she said yeah, we're still friends. Friday at school she said things were the same like nothing happened.

Saturday she decides to surround herself with friends and have a slumber party. She invited 4 girls but only 1 could come (her Best Friend) so this girl comes over (very rude girl, didn't even say hello to me, make eye contact or anything) and within 10 minutes of being there she tells my daughter she started dating this boy on Thursday!

My daughter comes and tells me and I ask her if she wants the girl to leave, she said no I'm ok. Until this girl spends the night texting this boy, taking videos of her and my daughter to send him and talking about him all night. Like my daughter was never close to this kid. My daughters attitude must have changed because the girl left 2 hours early Sunday.

So Monday at school everything was hard because he walked this girl to every class and they were already holding hands (my daughter never got him to hold her hand)

So yesterday she sees on Instagram this girl was already hanging out with his family and his Mom posted pictures of the 2 of them like she was her long lost daughter. Needless to say my daughter lost it, went hysterical crying and blocked them both from her instagram.

SOOO what advice do I give my daughter to help her overcome this? She was handling very well, being the bigger person, myself, my family and friends have all told her she's better off but to a 12 year that means nothing. It's not like it was a serious relationship because they are only 12 but i don't want this to ruin the rest of her school year either. She seems okay this morning going to school but I know after school will be a different story, especially if these two confront her about her blocking them from instagram.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

It's funny cause I read this..and I'm thinking "wow 12 years old, tell her no dating for a while and to concentrate on her friends and school" BUT I do remember that this is the age this kind of stuff starts (and gives me a pit in my stomach lol)...I probably don't have great advice or advice that's going to help all that much...the best you can do is tell her to concentrate on all the other good stuff in life/school and maybe surround herself with other friends that aren't boy crazy and all she can do is ignore the other crap going on. I didn't date at 12. Not even at 14, lol. I was really behind the curve there, I was into sports and friends and having fun. Sure I had a crush here and there, but you know what? I'm glad I didn't "date". 12 year is so young. If it were my daughter I'd tell her going forward NO boyfriends for a while. I have three sons so who the hell knows how I'll be....but for ME it seems like it's just too young!!! I hope everything gets better!!

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

First love breakup is so tough even if it was never really "love." Any breakup is hard. Especially for a 12 year old. It becomes the end of the world. Sorry she has to deal with this and the harder part is this is the first of many heart breaks. I'm sure she'll break a lot of boy's hearts too. Just keep being there for her and do what you're doing. I think in this instance time will make it better.... either that or another boy crush.
What about taking her and a friend out shopping or to Dave and Busters or something fun and silly this weekend. Keep her mind off them. She'll also learn what comes around goes around and this couple will be over soon too.

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I remember in 7th people were dating all the time. So even if you said no dating they would still date I school. I don't think that's the issue. As far as the bf having "progressed" to holding hands and walking to class, well you said your dd dated him for 6mos, that's a hugeeee amount if time for a 12yo boy to "mature" he may have learned in that amount of time the right way to have a 7th grade gf, or maybe his new gf is more pushy.

As far as advice, I would try and use this as an example and show her how on the grand scale this is soooo not important and she'll have plenty of bfs ones who know how to act and treat her the right way. Definitely distract her with some special time, mani/pedi, shopping, a movie, whatever it is she is into, encourage her to hang out with other friends that are not this girl.

And can I say the mom who posts a pic of them on Instagram is so immature!

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Thank you ladies! My daughter isn't allowed to have a real boyfriend till 16, that has always been the rule. I made an exception because I knew this kid and his mom. I know this girl is definitely more pushy and I told my daughter that during the 6 months that if she wanted to hold his hand she would have to take it but she never did. She has joined a couple of clubs recently and I spent an hour with her doing archery (her hobby) yesterday and talking so I'm hoping it helps.
I remember my first crush and thinking I wanted my Mom to shut up because she just didn't get it so i'm sure she's thinking the same thing.
I just hope she holds her ground if these two "friends" confront her about her blocking them on Instagram. I'm not ready for all this drama!!

Message edited 11/12/2014 7:47:52 PM.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I feel for you. I really do. I was having flashbacks as I read that. I have a 15 year old SD and the DRAMA that went on in 7th & 8th grade was intense. They switch around boyfriends like they are trading iPhone cases. The invention of iPhones and apps has just developed a new way to torture teens and tweens 24/7. It's horrible. My SD just had a whole problem with her team being in a Twitter war. It's so stupid.

I would just tell her to keep herself busy with her true friends and to ignore them. I guarantee you within the next month, this boy will either be reaching out to your daughter again OR will have moved on to another friend of hers. It's so crazy. When my SD was going through this, I also incorporated the "You don't take your friend's sloppy seconds" lecture too. Also, don't be surprised if your daughter is back to being BFF with this girl again in the near future. I learned that it's very hard to keep up with who is in the good graces and who is no longer in the group.

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Man.. this is tough. I am so no looking forward to this!

I can't advise because mine is only 6 and I know this is one of those in the moment type things. But frankly boys suck. They are mean and cruel and occasionally heartless. Not all boys but they all have the ability to be so as we have the same ability. They hurt you and it hurts bad. The more you think of it the worse it is. You can't just say 'stop thinking about it' but recognize its just going to take time to get past it.

I just wanted to be loved and held and have someone to cry with when it happened to me. Nothing really makes it better. But it was nice to know the brave face I kept at school could fall apart at home.

However *WE* didn't have social media stress back then (thank god).

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Tell her to act as though it doesn't affect her!

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Double post

Message edited 11/12/2014 1:17:38 PM.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Her friend sounds like a real peach! I remember this drama from when I was a kid. It really does feel like the end of the world, but honestly, it sounds like she's handling it pretty well. I would remind her that this new relationship will likely end just as her's did and that there's so much more to life than a boy (and I truly believe that, whether you're 12 or 60). Take her shopping, to the spa....stuff to keep her mind off it. this is likely the first of many boyfriends and breakups, unfortunately. His mom, however, sounds like a lunatic.

FWIW, I'm still very good friends with my 7th grade boyfriend. We stayed friends thro ughout the years and it's a good thing I kept him around because his closest friend from college is now my husband! So, she may be able to get him back one day and marry his best friend

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I also have a 15 year old and, sadly, this is one of many, many incidents to come. My daughters friend group (of 5) has had boys come between all of them. Unfortunately, girls at this age are a bit boy crazy and will often seek the boys attention over the loyalty of friendship.

Once this boy has moved on, they will both be laughing about it. I am sure of it. Until then, I would say tell her to back away from the friend temporarily. It will blow over.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I wouldn't anticipate this will ruin her entire school year! It's one of probably many relationships let downs. I feel your DD needs a break from dating and from these friends. Perhaps try to get her involved in a new club or activity.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I think you need a firm "no dating" policy to start. To have this type of drama in 7th grade is way too soon. This will be the first of many let downs for kids this age. I would downplay the situation and show her that it doesn't matter. Take her out, spend some quality time with her, etc.This guy and her friend will be over before she knows it!

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Honestly I don't think this is too young for this type of 'dating'. Kids go out in groups anyway and like she said, they never were alone or anything. Kids will 'go out' regardless of 'permission'.

It's a different world than when we were kids but honestly -- this sort of thing is going to happen. A dozen more times before she graduates high school probably. And it will only get harder as their hormones and emotions surge.

I'm thirty years old but whatever, I'll say this about two 12 year olds... they're dickks. He's a jerk for not being straight with her and she's a terrible best friend who obviously needs to learn some girl-code. They ARE just kids but don't we all know someone a situation like this happened to? At 16. 18. 21. 25. 35? It happens. That's life.

I don't think you need to downplay anything. Her feelings and emotions are very much real. Listen to her. Let her cry to you if she wants. Distract her. Keep her busy. But I think she should hear it straight... that people can be cruel and she should cry it out to you at home and go back to school with her head held high like a fierce woman (of twelve). Because that's the classiest thing to do. At twelve or thirty. Whenever.

Being dumped sucks. I feel for her. Karma coming to both of those little monsters and good things coming to your daughter!

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

give her lots of hugs and lots of love and dont downplay her feelings. let her vent when she wants to, give her sound advice, but not too often.. she'll be over it in no time.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Ugh, I remember this age.

It's terrible.

I was awkward some days and I remember the ring leader girl who would be my BFF some days and others, she'd turn the group against me.

I never had a real boyfriend back then but lots of crushes that seemed so intense.

I remember her telling them to embarrass me.

Like others said, be there for her and I also think it's a HORRIBLE idea to downplay her feelings. That's the easiest way to get her to shut you out completely.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

I said not to downplay her feelings. She's upset. As adults we know that this kid and her friend won't matter at all most likely but her feelings in the moment are real.

Another poster said it...this is a great opportunity o earn her daughter's trust as a confidant. Telling a twelve year old to "suck it up, cupcake" basically is the wrong move imo and just kind of mean. Next time she might not seek her counsel if she thinks her feelings won't be validated. Even my grown friends just want someone to hear them out. I think most people benefit from this practice?

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Posted by MarisaK

Posted by Millie3

Posted by MaPetiteLoutre

Honestly I don't think this is too young for this type of 'dating'. Kids go out in groups anyway and like she said, they never were alone or anything. Kids will 'go out' regardless of 'permission'.

It's a different world than when we were kids but honestly -- this sort of thing is going to happen. A dozen more times before she graduates high school probably. And it will only get harder as their hormones and emotions surge.

I'm thirty years old but whatever, I'll say this about two 12 year olds... they're dickks. He's a jerk for not being straight with her and she's a terrible best friend who obviously needs to learn some girl-code. They ARE just kids but don't we all know someone a situation like this happened to? At 16. 18. 21. 25. 35? It happens. That's life.

I don't think you need to downplay anything. Her feelings and emotions are very much real. Listen to her. Let her cry to you if she wants. Distract her. Keep her busy. But I think she should hear it straight... that people can be cruel and she should cry it out to you at home and go back to school with her head held high like a fierce woman (of twelve). Because that's the classiest thing to do. At twelve or thirty. Whenever.

Being dumped sucks. I feel for her. Karma coming to both of those little monsters and good things coming to your daughter!

This is SO dramatic! OP said they barely spoke half the time. Why make it bigger than it is and feed into the drama? The best thing she can teach her is to let this roll off her back. These people are not her whole world. My parents taught me to never let a boy/ friend devastate me, to toughen up. My teen life has had very little drama, tbh.

I partially agree with both of these approaches -
A 12 year old girl knows NOTHING of what life is like at 16, or 20 or 30 ......and she shouldn't - So, at 12, her drama, her feelings, her life experiences ARE very real. From the perspective of a 30 something year old they're 'nothing' - but for the perspective of a 12 year old - they're your whole life!
So, yes. This IS a big deal.
And, this boy, and the girl are NOT horrible disgusting people - they're 12 year old kids. 12 year old girls have no 'girl code' They don't 'get it' yet .........(I know some 30 year old women who have no 'girl code') A lot of times, kids have to be in the situation, have something done to them, have experienced those feelings themselves in order to empathize and understand that whole "do unto others" mantra ........It WILL come back to the BFF, and honestly, it may even be your daughter who does it -

Personally, I think you keep her distracted, play a sport, join a club, keep her with her other friends (girls AND boys) there ARE other boys out there in 6th/7th grade and I'm sure within a week or 2 she'll be crushing on someone else.
As far as the 'toughen up' approach, I think it's important to teach her not to fall apart IN FRONT OF THEM - not to let them know they got the best of her- she needs to know there are people she can trust and feel comfortable to lose it with (like her Mom) but to try to keep it composed at school - b/c it will only drag out the situation and lead to more drama ..........

This whole FB, Instagram thing is a killer too - it's like round the clock torture with no escape. - Good Luck ![/QUOTE

I have an almost 12 year old and a just turned 17 year old and this basically my approach.

Re: Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Vent/Need advice for my 12 year old daughter (Sorry long)

Thanks everyone! My daughter is handling things awesome. The girl texted her yesterday and asked why she blocked her on Instagram and she said "oh, my Instagram seems to have a mind of it's own, it deletes people for no reason sometimes" This girl actually bought it. My daughter has been throwing herself in to her anti-bullying club and she's been posting anti-bully quotes on Instagram and that's it. I am very proud of her. She does already have another crush but he is a friend of the "Ex-boyfriend". She knows she has to keep it friends but she is having fun flirting with him.