If you were an only child or are only having one?

So DH and I are still undecided as to whether or not we want to have more than one DC. We are very happy as our little unit of 3, and for a whole host of reasons, thinking being one and done might be right for us.

However, I have guilt about DS being an only child - how was it for you if you were an only child or how are you reconciling this guilt (if you have it) if you are one and done parents??

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I am rowing in your boat.

and the more I think about it, the more I realize this: as a parent, there will ALWAYS be something to feel guilty about.

as a parent of one, I will feel guilty that he doesn't have a sibling...an eternal playmate, someone to bear the load of dh and I as we get up in years (God willing)

but

as a parent of two, I would most definitely feel guilty of the things I couldn't do for my children with the added expense of another. we could send two to college debt free. we couldn't have the same kind of family adventures I was so looking forward to etc.

and of course their are HUGE positives to both situations, these are the areas that would bother me.

so since there is no win win. no guarantee of anything....I am feeling better about my "one and done" decision.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

i am 1 of 4 and love having siblings.

dh is an only child and tells me he remembers crying to his parents for a brother or sister (dh was a surprise when they were older- they were told they couldnt ever have children)

ds is 9 months old - weve been trying for #2 for the past 3 months - i want them close in age..

eta: One sister has 4 children while my other sister is happy with her DD and has no intention of having any other children... u have to do whats right for you and what u feel is right for ur family

Message edited 6/30/2010 10:35:59 AM.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

Hi Melissa. I have our son, Thomas, and I also have two older step-sons (13 and 10) so T does have two half-brothers so the situation isn't exactly the same, but similiar. I would have another child, but DH feels it would push us over the edge financially and spread us too thin to give each child the time and attention they deserve. Logically, I know he's right. If I insisted we have another, I feel our family would suffer. I am grateful for the family I have and I focus on the attention we can give my son and step sons and feel good about knowing that I can comfortably provide for my son. I think you should do what works best for your family.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

just wanted to say that i'm in the same boat as you.

DH definitely wants another one - he actually said he wants another one soon. I'm still on the fence about having another. Like you, I love our unit of 3.

I just look at how much $ childcare is for 1, and weigh how guilty i feel that i'm not with DS more often than i am, and I'm content with 1. But then I think about how nice it would be for DS to have a partner in crime.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I have two siblings, an older brother & a younger sister. My brother is 7 years older then me & my sister is 3 years younger. Ignoring the fact that I am a middle child, I love having a brother & sister. My whole life I always had a best friend. Someone to talk to, complain to, stay up at night with, etc.

My brother now has three kids of his own, much closer in age, his son is 8 & his two girls are 6 & 3. They all get along great. They always have someone to play with & my brother & SIL always have someone to help them. Some times they do argue but in the end they most always get along.

My DH is an only child & although he enjoyed having all of the attention & being a little bit more spoiled then I was, he always says he felt he missed out. (his parents paid for his college tuition, his first brand new car, his apartement while in college - those are things my parents never paid for).
He sometimes comments on how he only has nieces & a nephew because of marriage & how is was completely unfair that I didn't have to choose a maid of honor (my sister), like he had to choose a best man. He also found it very hard to be an only child when he lost his dad.

We currently do not have any children & when we speak about having children its always plural but we will have to see.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I always add onto these threads even though it doesn't really pertain to me.

Don't let the guilt of providing a sibling overly weigh on your mind. A sibling is not always a gift, no matter what people say.

I have two brothers and there were plenty of times I wish I was an only child, sometimes even now.

So, make the best choices based on what you want for your family. If you can't see you family as a family of 4 (or more), than that's that.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I only have one and probably will not be having another. I am now divorced...and unless I marry someone rather quickly and have another right away, I feel it will be too late. Age (I'm 36 now) and fertility issues (when having DD) will play a part in that equation.

I do feel guilty sometimes...and I do wish I could have another at some point, but it's probably not likely. DD has a half-sister who is 10 years older from XH's first marriage, but I don't know how well that relationship will fair in the long run

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

Crashing...
I was an only for 12 years until my parents had a "surprise" baby. I had an amazing childhood. My parents did a lot with me, and I was enrolled in a many activities. I never ever felt alone, and I still have a very close relationship with them, even though I live 6 hours away now. I feel that my childhood was as perfect as it was because my parents had the time and resources due to only having 1.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I'm an only and although I always wished and wished for a sibling (mostly a sister) I made it out ok. It was lonely on rainy days when no one was around but I learned to entertain myself- which is a positive. meaning, now I don't mind being alone when no one is around. I became close with my good friends and considered them to be my brothers and sisters. My DD is an only for the moment... that is, I want to have another just because I missed out on having real siblings. I'm on the way to being divorced now but in the short future that status will be changing and I am looking forward to having another child. I am sad that he/she won't be her full sibling but I am happy I can offer it to her.

IMHO I think you should do what you feel is right for your family. It didn't harm me and I don't think I'd change my childhood for any price. I dont' regret my parents decision.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I hated being an only child. I was very lonely.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

thanks for all the insight everyone.

Its a whole mix of reasons....finances (the thought of 2 in daycare makes me , being able to do more with my son if hes an only child (trips, college, etc). Plus we are spread so thin as it is time wise, that DS only get an hour or two of us time every day, nevermind if I had to divide that between two kids. Not that its not doable, I just dont know if I want too. Plus, my DH and I had a REALLY rough patch for the 1.5 years after DS was born and our marriage almost collapsed under the stress of a newborn and the adjustment, I dont know if Id want to risk that again.

Plus, I really just like it being the three of us.

Now if I could only get rid of the guilt.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

On one hand it was great my parents could do a lot for me (pay for college and law school), we took 3-4 nice vacations a year (europe or a cruise or island- hawaii or caribbean, and one trip to a place like cape cod, and a short trip to a place like DC), etc. Now since I'm the only one my girls get a lot of extra attention from my parents b.c they have no other grandchildren.

The downside - I always wanted a brother or sister. It could be lonely. Looking back I really wish I had that brother or sister - b.c I have a small family and DH is not close to his family so I feel like my girls get cheated by not have an aunt or uncle by blood instead of marriage - who might be closer to them.

It definitely has its pluses and its minuses. But I will say for ME - it was part of the reason I had two and had them 23 months apart hoping that they will be close when they older.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I had such a horrible pregnancy with Damien that I begged my DH that we only have him and I couldn't go through pregnancy again. I would tell him how much more money we could have and all the things we could do extra. Then when Damien was about 3 months old my BFF father passed away, she is an only child. She cried to me how she wished she had a sibling to go through it with, her mother then got cancer and died a very slow and painful death and she was the primary caregiver (moved her into her house with 24 hr nursing care at the end) she feels she has nobody and it changed my mind and I couldn't be happier

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I guess I was the only one that never felt lonely. I did have cousins my age , my mom was 1 of 7, and I was literally in play groups from birth. Also, when we bought memberships to the zoo and aquarium we bought 4 so I could always bring a friend. For vacations, we did places like Disney with my cousins, and my parents bought a beach house so I usually had friends visit. I guess for me, I feel that if this is the choice you make, you have to work a little bit harder to not make your child feel alone. For us it worked well.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I am an only child. That said, I have 8 cousins all relatively close in age....although not in distance. Growing up, there wasn't anything more I wanted than a sibling. I'd ask for games on Christmas, then have no one to play them with.

Now, I realize how much my parents were able to give me. There were always struggles, but ALL the presents under the tree were mine, we went to Disney and the Cape and Hershey Park....would they have been able to do all of that with another? Now, they spoil DD because she's the only one (so far)....but...they're getting older. I have no one to help watch their house / dog, no one to depend on to help when they get even older...

I struggle with this on a daily basis. Things are hard right now, and we only have one...can we make it with two? Can I give two as much attention as I give one? I am VERY close to my mom...DD is like that with me now...i don't know if I want to change that...but...I can't imagine never being pregnant again...I want DD to have a playmate/friend for life...

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

having a sibling doesnt always mean that they will get along or have that relationship you desire them to have

i have one sibling and we dont have much of a relationship aside from seeing each other at family occasions and texting here and there

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

i am not an only child, but my mother was. Every day of her life she has said she hated being an only child.

She dealt with it the hardest when her parents died. She had to deal with everything.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I was an only child, and i definitely enjoyed my childhood. I never longed for any siblings.. i enjoyed the attention i got as being the only one around! I had friends who lived nearby to play with, and i read a lot, and became accustomed to doing things on my own if i had to
I think being an only child really helped me become independent and self sufficient.

DH on the other hand grew up with a brother and insists that if/when we have kids, we have 2. Considering the struggles we're having with infertility right now, i'll consider it lucky if we get to 1!

i say do what you guys feel is right... but don't assume that a sibling will automatically be better than none though.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I have very little guilt about choosing to have only one. Then I have guilt because I don't feel guilty.

As per our situation, financial, emotional, otherwise, I just feel that DD will get a higher "quality" of childhood if she remains our only one. We will be able to give her experiences that we would not have the means to do. We will be able to give her attention and support that she would not get if there were additional kids. DH and I both work and have long commutes. The quality of the time she gets is important to us and we don't want to feel more stretched. I just don't know if I could continue to be the kind of mom I want to be, to give her the kind of childhood I want her to have, if we have more kids. I really admire my friends who have 2-3 kids and do it well. I don't think I could.

I also think siblings are no guarantee; both of my parents have had extremely stressful sibling relationships and I think it's great when siblings get along well- but it's not a given.

I think if parents have multiple kids, it should be because THEY want the kids above all else, not because they feel an obligation to give their kids siblings.

ETA: I also love our little "party of three" as we call it.

Message edited 6/30/2010 6:52:27 PM.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

I am one of 3.

And what my parents have done for one, they have done for the other. I can't even tell you how much they have done for us over the years.

When DH and I would talk about it, we'd always say 3, BUT, lets see how the first one goes. And the first one, was the toughest thing we've ever gone through. She was 7 weeks early and was in the NICU for 5 weeks.

But we starting trying for another one when she was 8 months old. It took 14 months to concieve, but now we have 2 beautiful, healthy girls. Willl they be BFF for life? Who knows?

But I know that right now, they love each other and it's like nothing I've ever seen before. Kate (3 months) looks at her sister like she hung the moon.

But now we are done.

Re: If you were an only child or are only having one?

We're still on the fence about this. It's tough for me because I am 1 of 4 and always assumed I would have a big family. However, we ended up needing IVF to concieve DS and I took a long time to adjust to being a mom, the first year was really rough. We've tried twice to have another with no luck and I really think I could be done. DH has been the one who really wants another, but even he has been talking about stopping at one recently. There are a lot of positives to only having one child, but I still feel guilt about not giving him a sibling. So who knows what the future will bring... if I could get rid of the guilt I would probably be done at one!!