disagreeing with your dh about parenting

How do you handle it when you disagree with your dh about a specific way he handles things with your dc?
For example, discipline? Or specific things that he thinks is wrong and you dont... your child gets in trouble for things you do not agree with at all and dont feel your dc should be in trouble...

do you step in when your child is being reprimanded? Do you wait until later when your alone to speak with him...

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

As hard as it is, we try to wait until later to discuss it. I used to speak up if my husband was disciplining our kids for something I didn't think he should be or if he was handling it in a way I did't agree with. Then our oldest started picking up on it and would pit us against each other. He would say, "Mommy doesn't agree with you, right Mommy?" and things like that. It was giving him this sense of power over his parents that was getting unhealthy. So we quickly realized we can't do it that way anymore. It's so hard not to step in when it's happening though. Once in a while, if I can word things carefully in the moment, in a way that my son won't pick up on it, I will say something. Otherwise, I just bite my tongue until later.

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

We discuss the kids & child rearing a lot.
We discuss everything from how to punish to how many extracurricular activities a week to which sports we would like to expose them to. We negotiate when we disagree...
I didn't put my son in dance (which he would love), but we may try hip hop if he is still interested at 6.

We never go against each other in front of the kids: we are a United front.... Even if one does something "wrong", we wait & discuss together how to handle it next time (for us, usually this involves the occasional spank to our wild boy that we want to save for dire misbehaves like running into traffic when he knows not to vs a naughty but frustrating behavior... Like intentionally cutting our tablecloth).

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

My dh and I talked plenty before having a child and talk plenty everyday about things involving our dd. BUT theory vs reality is very different.
Throw in outside stressful stuff going on and whateva theory you had on parenting can go out the window. And things come up you don't discuss. There are a million situations that you are unprepared for as a parent.

I can better handle my feelings about my disagreement, but he hasn't gotten the memo that our dd is 3.5 and you cant turn everything into a battle. It turns into unnecessary hysterical crying and tantrums. My issue is that can all be avoided and my dd is left feeling terrible, how do I handle that when I don't agree with him in the moment?
You really save that for later? What about the message that sends to your child?

ETA: I understand and agree disagreeing with him in front of her is not a good message to send either. And I don't want to do that. I just don't know how to handle it I guess.

Message edited 12/2/2015 9:34:39 AM.

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

I clash with my older one, Dh clashes with the younger one. We both intervene when necessary. One kid is very sneaky about things, the other is very outspoken and will basically tell us to drop dead the sneaky one drives me insane, the outspoken one drives DH insane. We will never agree on how to handle these kids and are constantly negotiating in front of them. I'm convinced both kids will become lawyers

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

For years I watched my exBIL undermine my SIL when she would discipline the kids. Now, that they are older they have no respect for what their mother asks of them. On the other hand, they will listen to everything and anything their dad tells them. As hard as it is I would NOT jump in. Speak to him afterwards, in private to air our your frustrations. Kids understand, from a very early age.

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

Usually we talk about it when she is sleeping unless one of us is being too harsh then we will intervene immediately. No means no though if one says it then it sticks even if the other doesn't 100% agree. We are pretty on board with each others parenting and pick up where the other fails.

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

Thank you all. I def don't want to teach her not to respect him or undermine him. I wont do that anymore in front of her but I will discuss with him later.

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

Ugh, this is so tough. I know, for me, I usually stay quiet unless I see DH really being a little too hard on DD (he raises his voice and it's pretty scary). Then, I absolutely say something right then and there. She's still young, but I want her to know that I will always defend her. That happens very rarely and maybe that's wrong, but it's what I do.
DH on the other hand, let's me do my thing and then later will tell me if he disagrees with me or not.

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

My DH and I had been disagreeing about parenting a lot recently and it was driving me a little crazy.

I always thought I'd be the more strict parent and he'd be the more patient, laid-back one, but it's turning out to be the opposite.

It's like he expects our 3-year-old to be held to the same standards as an adult and I find myself saying, "She's 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and "She's just acting like a 3-year-old!!!!!!!!!" all the time.

I try really hard not to contradict him in front of her but sometimes I do speak up and overrule him when I think he's being ridiculous and that doesn't go over too well at all.

But I've found that if I discuss the situation with him calmly after the fact, like when DD is in bed, instead of in the heat of a toddler tantrum, and explain my views and even pull up "disciplining a toddler" type articles, it helps.

Things have definitely gotten better.

disagreeing with your dh about parenting

This exact situation is why DH and I are seeking counseling. We are not on the same page when it comes to parenting. I have a 3.5 year old Son and 5 year old b/g twins and they are definitely out of control, which I know is our fault. Like a pp said about her dh, mine too expects them to be held to the same standards as adults. And I am constantly intervening when he is disciplining them although I know I shouldn't. Then we fight and it's a huge mess and they constantly play us against each other. Now we're in the middle of trying to get them under control as well as trying to save our marriage. We've started talking about discipline after they've gone to bed and it's helped a little.

Re: disagreeing with your dh about parenting

I wait until afterwards because I don't want her to feel she can get away with stuff with one parent over the other. I have to remember DH is not with them all the time so he thinks the littlest mis behaviors need reprimanding