Can we talk about tattling?

We live in a neighborhood with a TON of little kids, a group of 12-15 of them play every night, ages 2-6. A lot of the parents seem to be anti-tattling and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

In general, my kids are 4.5 and 2 and I don't discourage my older DD telling me when DS is doing wrong. I need to be able to protect him if he's doing something dangerous and I also want to know when he's up to no good so I can teach him what the correct behavior is.

I keep hearing my neighbors shut their kids down when their kids come to tell them something "wait, Michael, are you about to tattle??" and the kids walk away.

So I ask....

How do you define tattling?
Do you discourage it?
Do ages matter?
Does it matter if it's siblings vs. friends/playdates/neighbors?

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

I'm like you, but I think there's a difference between tattling and letting a parent/adult know when there is a bad situation going on or happened.

We teach our kids to be safe, good, don't fight, hit, etc. I don't like to use the word "tattling" so much, but teach them they don't have to run and tell me every little thing. I want them to feel comfortable to tell an adult it's ok to tattle sometimes, but each situation is different and can be confusing. I explain if an adult tells you not to tell mommy or daddy something then that's a red flag (well, besides a gift or surprise). I explain that if they are being picked on, got pushed by another kid or saw something bad to tell an adult. When they run to me to whine that the other one has this toy or they punched each other, etc then I tell them they need to work it out themselves or not play together, but mommy doesn't want to hear the silly things.

ETA - my boys are 5 and 3 now. WHen they get older we'll explaining tattling more and when it's ok to tell an adult.

Message edited 5/8/2015 3:12:41 PM.

Can we talk about tattling?

My daughter has been taught there are unpleasant consequences for lying to me. She is not allowed to have secrets from me. I am mom. End of Story. So I expect her to tell me everything. What i do with that info is up to me. I am NOT everyone's mother. I am only hers. So if she tells me Johnny cheated, well thanks for the info, now don't play with Johnny if you know he's only going to cheat. Or Jane pushed Sue. Did you tell Jane that was wrong? Did you stand up for Sue? I am not the referee unless its going to be physically dangerous. I am teaching my daughter SHE is responsible for only HER OWN actions. Tattling however is going to lose her friends and respect. She shouldn't go off tattling to get someone else in trouble because it will come back to her as she's not innocent angel herself and she makes unwise choices too. But tell me, Mom, is a priority. If she feels uncomfortable or something's not right she's to tell me or another parent but only if she understands that knowledge is for an adult to handle and not for her to whine about the results of saying it. Just know those kids *WILL* know who spoke up.

So far its worked well.

She stands up for the weak but also learns to avoid trouble when she can. When she's unsure or lost she comes to me. I don't play my daughter is better nor do I discipline other kids because she feels I should. You wanted to play here, you live with it, change it or leave it.

She's 6

She'll actually say "I don't want to play here anymore those kids are a bit too rough for me" or "These kids keep lying and doing stuff I'm not sure of, lets go"

Id never stop her from telling me or discourage it. Speak, but make it truthful and understand I am not going to respond how you want me to, just because you want me to.

Message edited 5/8/2015 3:26:44 PM.

Can we talk about tattling?

Tattling vs. Telling
If someone isn't bleeding, barfing, bullying, or behaving dangerously I don't need to know about it!!

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

Message edited 5/9/2015 1:57:12 AM.

Can we talk about tattling?

We've made a clear distinction in our house about tattling. Our boys are 5 and 3 and they are allowed to tell on someone if they are doing something dangerous, hurting someone, or hurting themselves.

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

I have never spoken to either of my kids (4 and 2) about tattling. I don't want them learning that it's ok to keep things from adults. I am not sure I fully understand the point of telling kids not to "tattle" but maybe it's because I haven't had an issue with it? I'd rather them tell me too much than omit something important.

I think this also sets the stage for thinking it's ok to lie to your parents. Lying by omission . . . If you don't get caught, it didn't happen. Not sure why you'd want your child to think this way, unless you live by this motto also.

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

My kids know that if someone is doing something dangerous, is hurting them (my kids) or hurting themselves, they can come tell me. Otherwise, I consider it tattling. I hate the constant "mommy DD did this, mommy DS is doing that," I feel like they need to learn to work things out themselves. However, my kids are 5 and 6.5. I think it's a bit different when they are younger because they have a harder time telling when something is actually dangerous.

Message edited 5/9/2015 9:02:37 AM.

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

Re: Can we talk about tattling?

Re: Can we talk about tattling?