Playdate Vents!

I just have to vent this out!! My DD is such a social baby. She loves people and I want her to have friends so I am trying to foster that now. But all of my attempts seem fruitless. How do you get friends for you LO? Why is this so hard for me? Here is what is happening.

There are 4 children around the same age as DD within our family/close friends circle. I have invited all 4 over our house for playdates. They each came over 2x. But I'm the one pushing and planning and pushing and planning. I say open invite and they never ask to come over and we have never been invited there. Or they'll say oh you have to come to us and then when I ask about it, it's vague and never happens.

I have 2 other children around the same age as DD that we met and became friendly with but they have not taken us up on offers to have playdates.

I go to library storytime. DD is almost 14 months old. All the other children were over 3.

We went to one mommy and me class. There were only 2 other children there. I tried to talk to them and have the kids interact but one didn't seem interested/nice at all and the other mom said she was actually moving out of state at the end of the month.

I live in a huge apartment community with 100's of homes. When I see other moms pushing strollers and I smile and/or say hello. They usually fake smile back and run away. We have a message board for the community and I asked if anyone with kids between a wide age range wanted to have a weekly or monthly playdate group. Only 2 other people besides myself responded in 2 months times. Then I set a time for all 3 of us to meet and both of them cancel last minute and don't show and I'm standing there alone with DD waiting...

I go to the playground. It is empty.

I am just losing all effort to try anymore because I've put so much energy into this and it never even seems to amount to anything.

Please tell me this gets easier.

Re: Playdate Vents!

Do you have a library close by? We LOVE our library's programs and children's room and have made many very good friends from our community - with children the same ages as all three of my DCs.
My oldest started K this year and he sits next to two little boys he's known since he was 20mos old.
Also try meetup.com -- there are lots of mom groups on there.

ETA - sorry that I missed the section where you tried the library storytime. Do they offer other classes, geared to specific age groups? Can you try Barnes & Noble's storytime? Those are usually broken down into different ages, too.

Message edited 10/8/2013 11:25:22 AM.

Playdate Vents!

Honestly I do not do playdates. My DS is in daycare 3 days a week and he gets to play with other kids there.

He is with family 2 days and if he happens to play with another kid on the playground great.

But the last thing I want to do on my free time is have play dates.

I WFT so it is different for me. But I would think people are busy. I would just try gymboree and those types of places. I have a park behind my house and since school is back in its empty during the week. I would try parks on the weekends.

Re: Playdate Vents!

I agree that people are very busy, and what little family time they have is sacred.

Also, 14 months is really young to worry about establishing friendships. Babies/toddlers only do parallel play for the first couple years of their lives anyway. It doesn't matter if you do playdates now or not, once your DC goes to preschool in a year or two, the friendships will happen, and there will be playdates galore if you want them.

Definitely look into a Gymboree-type program if you don't already do one, it's a great way to spend weekly time with other kids your DC's age.

Re: Playdate Vents!

I think people are busy and trying to juggle family, work and their existing friends.

I work full time and DD is in daycare three days a week, so the days we have together are precious. We spend those days catching up with family, friends or just with each other. Playdates with new people just isn't something I have time for right now.

I do bring her to a music class every Saturday and to Gymboree classes here and there. So between that and daycare, she gets plenty of social interaction.

As for her forming friendships, I feel that will happen naturally and over time. I'm not worrying about it now.

Playdate Vents!

It's hard to set things up one on one - everyone is running in a million different directions.

I WFT but, I know my town has a few playgroups that people attend - they are set at the same time every week and get a good turnout.

I schedule some playdates on weekends, generally with one family who are similar to ours (their kids are the same age as my kids and the husband is in the FDNY like my husband) and we plan things more tentatively and play them by ear (like, let's try to get to the playground later and if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't).

It's really hard to plan with young kids - especially at 14 months. I found that every time I tried to plan when the boys were that young - our nap schedule would shift and whatnot.

Re: Playdate Vents!

We hung out with the same 3 people when we lived in Manhattan. We hung out with the same 1 person almost everyday during the week. 2 of them we knew before having kids. The other we met when DS was 18m old.

Can you joing a mom's club and/or playgroup?

We moved to DC and have made quite a few friends via meetup. I joined the international mom's club local chapter as well but I didn't click with anyone from there.

Re: Playdate Vents!

IMHO, 14 months is young for play dates. The kids hardly "play" with each other, they usually both play, but separately...or like in my situation, my DD is usually way more interested in her same age cousins than they are with her, so she ends up chasing them around and I feel obligated to intervene. Even now, DD is 2 and we go to lots of library programs, but the kids in that age group tend to all "play" with their moms or by themselves...and not south with each other. So my fear is that play dates will lead to me having to entertain the other moms while our kids play individually anyway.

I think 3 is probably a good age to start looking for real play dates and long lasting friends for Dd.

It sounds like your dd is social, so whatever you're doing is great! I wouldn't worry about her having friends just yet, I'm sure she will make plenty when the time is right.

ETA: try a different playground!! I frequent a few that are never empty when I go. There aren't always kids DDs age, but there are always kids! The Holtsville Ecology Center is one that always has a crowd. And they are no longer charging for parking.

Message edited 10/8/2013 12:14:21 PM.

Playdate Vents!

Also - is there a parents FB group in your area? There's one for my town and people are always posting impromptu park meet ups.

Re: Playdate Vents!

My DS is almost 14 months as well but I don't worry about this yet, he is still really young. I think once he is older and in pre-school, etc. he will socialize more and make friends. Right now he is mostly around family (he has a few cousins around his age or a little bit older).

Re: Playdate Vents!

Aww, I"m sorry you're having such a rough time. I made great friends through Gymboree, but it took almost a semester to actually do a first playdate (although the kids were tiny at that point, around 4-6 months old, I can't imagine having waited so long if they were older).

I would just keep doing what you're doing and you will eventually meet people and hopefully find a group that you click with. I would plan a specific playdate - maybe a fall/halloween theme? - and invite everyone over. Hopefully things will progress from there.

Re: Playdate Vents!

People are busy and it's hard.
Have you tried meetup.com?
Where are you located? I belong to a very nice moms group through meetup. FM me if you'd like the info.
My kids are older now (4 & 6) but, have been in the group a few years (my kids were older than 14 months, but, it's kids of all ages).

Re: Playdate Vents!

I am a FT working Mom so I am honestly not a fan of anything else that must be 'scheduled' in our lives (like a playdate)

have you triend to just send out a spur of the moment group text?
This is what I do ........When I'm taking the boys the park on a day off, I'll text my SAHM friends w/ a general "Taking the kids to XYZ park at 10:30 if anyone is free to play come and meet up!!"

I also do it on the weekend w/ my boys' daycare friends, and our other friends/family w/ kids etc.
If people are free, tney come and hang out and it's a no pressure thing, if they're not, well, then they're not.

Also, I find that the last minute park thing works well b/c no one has to worry about whether or not their house is clean, if they have snacks, if they have coffee, if their husband is coming home or they have to feed anyone lunch and all of that stuff ......

Re: Playdate Vents!

I met almost all of my mommy friends and my DS's friends at library programs. They are usually during the week so most of the moms are SAHM like me and they are age specific groups.

Re: Playdate Vents!

Honestly I feel like 14 months is too young for a playdate. At that age, the kids do parallel play, they don't really play together. So when you are inviting these other women for a "playdate" they may be really hearing it as "let's hang out". Also, people are really busy. They may not want to give up their free time for playdates.

Re: Playdate Vents!

I assume you are a SAHM. What you described is reality. During the week playgrounds are empty. If one has some people, it is usually nannies. Not that there is anything wrong with chatting up nannies. I suggest that you look into Stroller Strides and a local JCC or Y.

Re: Playdate Vents!

14 months is super young for play dates. I made friends at a nursing mom's group. I would suggest mommy and me type classes, meet up groups, music together, or gymboree classes.

Re: Playdate Vents!

While I agree that 14m may be a little too young for baby buddies, I understand your reasoning especially if you're a SAHM. You prob want good mommy friends for you now & then your kids will already have each other when they're at the age for friends. My SIL had a difficult time making mom friends until her oldest was in pre-k but now she has several. I'm a FTWM so I feel I barely have enough time for family, but if I were at home I'm sure I'd feel as you do. I'm sure once your LO is pre-k age it'll become easier but until then maybe try the Meetup groups online. They have specific groups in certain areas, some geared toward SAHMs who can get together during the day. Good luck & hang in there!

Playdate Vents!

My DD has been going on playdates since 4 months old, I guess you coupld also consider them momdates. I met a great group of mommy friends from this site. I have also met other moms along the way through Library, Mommy & me, or just going to the park and chatting. I think if your looking to meet people, and you happen to run into other moms looking to meet people then it works. I am pretty social, so whenever I am the park I wind up talking to a mom or even dad or grandparent if my DD winds up playing with their child. I am usually at the park in the morning, or late afternoon, and there are usually other people there too. It also helps that my 2 y/o is always looking to play with other kids, so since she is playing with their kids it gives us a chance to talk. It will work out for you, keep an open mind.

Re: Playdate Vents!

Honestly, I work in a middle school, and most parents talk about the same thing: get-together is a dying art! People are so overbooked and over connected that people just are not seeking new social connections anymore. It's pretty sad; it's more about our society than anything to take personally.

Re: Playdate Vents!

reading other responses, I totally get where they are coming from. right now i'm a SAHM... but when I worked, before dd, I was out of the house 12+ hours a day. so I can imagine if I was doing that now... or had other children to "juggle" my time with as well, I probably wouldn't be so into making plans/playdates etc.
yet here I am with an 11 month old dd and i'm totally into meeting other mommies or scheduling playdates.
for me, i'm home with her all day, every day... so I love when we have plans to see other people or go to a library program etc. I've met 2 moms at library programs... but their dd's are 3 & 5 months. very nice women but obv not great for a playdate. I also met someone on this site who I talk to on a regular basis and we have had a few playdates so far. i'm grateful for that because I really don't have any children in our families and practically no mommy friends.
i'm sure it gets easier once they get involved in activities and school but it's like, what do you do until then?
personally I don't agree with this age being to young for a playdate... true they aren't really playing, but there is still interaction and socialization and i think it's great for them; and so cute to watch!!
have you ever gone to storytime at barnes & noble? i haven't but i was asking employees about it yesterday and they said that the weekday morning one is very often 2 & under as a general age group bc older kids are in school. so if you have a b&n close to you, maybe try that. likely, you have the chance of meeting other SAHM's and children close in age to your dd

Re: Playdate Vents!

Posted by MrsKelly

reading other responses, I totally get where they are coming from. right now i'm a SAHM... but when I worked, before dd, I was out of the house 12+ hours a day. so I can imagine if I was doing that now... or had other children to "juggle" my time with as well, I probably wouldn't be so into making plans/playdates etc.
yet here I am with an 11 month old dd and i'm totally into meeting other mommies or scheduling playdates.
for me, i'm home with her all day, every day... so I love when we have plans to see other people or go to a library program etc. I've met 2 moms at library programs... but their dd's are 3 & 5 months. very nice women but obv not great for a playdate. I also met someone on this site who I talk to on a regular basis and we have had a few playdates so far. i'm grateful for that because I really don't have any children in our families and practically no mommy friends.
i'm sure it gets easier once they get involved in activities and school but it's like, what do you do until then?
personally I don't agree with this age being to young for a playdate... true they aren't really playing, but there is still interaction and socialization and i think it's great for them; and so cute to watch!!
have you ever gone to storytime at barnes & noble? i haven't but i was asking employees about it yesterday and they said that the weekday morning one is very often 2 & under as a general age group bc older kids are in school. so if you have a b&n close to you, maybe try that. likely, you have the chance of meeting other SAHM's and children close in age to your dd