the ultimate debate...

Just need to come here to vent and hear opinions
My friend recently went back to work. Our daughters (4yrs) are the same age but she has an older son and I have a younger (15months) anyway...
Things were tight for her and she couldn't afford the extras for the kids...she went back to work and now they are moving to a nice big house, she can afford the extras but no longer has the time to take her daughter.

I keep going back and forth in my head with what I want more...We can afford some extras with out me working but we are still renting and things are a bit tight.
If I go back to work yes we can afford more BUT there will be no time to do any of the extras.

IDK

the ultimate debate...

I dont know.. I dont think its really that easily cut and dry. Work and spend less time with kids but have more or don't work and spend more time with the kids in a tight budget.

I work and live on a budget (not super tight but lets say 'snug') but I spend money on 'extras' and all my extras are AJ related. If I cut out the extras we'd have a lot more money but a lot less kid time.

So I work FOR more time (if that makes sense?)

I dont have a big house or new cars or even newish cars. I dont have a savings account, I don't have tons of clothes, more than 4 pair if shoes, I dont get my hair cut more than twice a year.

I have tons of craft stuff cluttering my house, kid games, canvases, paint supplies, photos and kid movies. *WE* have tons of memories of fun times in a mall, traveling, vacationing, or just rolling around on our floor.

I work to make money to SPEND on my daughter.
I work to make BETTER time to be spent with my daughter (worry free about a bill)
I work to make her life better
I work to make her smile and laugh
I work so she can go to school and have fun with friends
I work so she can have good clean clothes for school and a lunch plan
I work so she can join whatever club or activity she wants to, when she wants to

Every moment of stupidity at this job is repaid with my daughter's happiness.

So for me, work is the only option.

Then again, I am a HORRIBLE stay at home mom. I get frustrated and bored and so does she. We both need 'other people'. LOL

Re: the ultimate debate...

Can you go back part time? That's what I did and it was the BEST decision. I have my career and make my own money to contribute to the fam, which is very important to me, and I still have a lot of time with my girls, which is the MOST important thing to me.
Good luck...touch decision!

Re: the ultimate debate...

IMO, time with you is more valuable than "all the extras" at a young age. Obviously, if you have to work to survive, that's the priority, but if you can get by and have some $ for some extras, I wouldn't go back. I take my DD to free library classes. She's only 2, but I'm looking into a toddler dance program for the fall. That will be her only extra that I pay for. IMO, that's enough. We bought a small 2 bedroom house, knowing that I'd be a SAHM. That was a priority for us. Everyone has different situations and priorities. Don't feel bad about your situation if its working for your family.

HTH!

Re: the ultimate debate...

For us, my not working is not an option...my husband owns a profitable business that makes ends meet, but we needed health insurance and my job provides excellent health insurance and great hours (I'm a teacher)...I don't work long hours and have summers off, so there are definite benefits, but I do feel like I am missing out on my kids' early years in a lot of ways. I am able to give my kids access to all the activities they want to be in (multiple dance classes, horseback riding lessons, musical lessons, etc.) and my job affords me the time to bring them to them as well, which is a nice perk. We've also been able to buy a house easily, drive new cars, and take vacations, so I guess in a lot of ways my job gives us a lot of "nice" things, but honestly, if it wasn't an issue of insurance, I probably would have take a few years off to spend with each of my kids...I don't really have an answer, because for us, both options mean I feel like I am missing out on something...

Re: the ultimate debate...

Time with my children is priceless! I only have a short time with them before they go off to school. We sacrifice so I can stay home. We dont go on big vacations, we cut back on our cable, don't eat out much, we also don't own right now but we have a great living situation.

If I worked we wouldn't have to sacrifice much or live on a budget like we do now but than I'd miss out on being home with my girls. No material item or money could make me want to miss the time I have with them now.

Eta- I would like to work part time once my girls are in a school full time but only if I found something that allowed me to work hours that wouldn't interfere with me getting them off to school and and being home after school.

Message edited 8/20/2013 12:00:28 PM.

Re: the ultimate debate...

How many hours will you be working? There are so many variables. It is all about needs, wants and priorities. Only you and your dh can make that decision.

Everyone is so different with what they "need." If your family is living without health insurance, then yes, that's a problem. For me, I live in a nice home, area, but I share one really old car. It's all we can afford without me working. I am happy with my lifestyle, so it's fine. I know in reality, I will go back to work one day and have a career again. At that point I will get myself a new, beautiful car.

Message edited 8/20/2013 11:04:42 AM.

the ultimate debate...

I really don't think the decision is just about money.

I work because I want to. Yes the money helps but I truly would not feel complete in my life without my work. Thats me. I don't expect everyone to feel that way.

Is our lifestyle good because I work...sure. But if I didn't want to work I would be finding a way to make it work without my $$$$.

Do what you feel in your soul is right for you. Extras do not make one happy.....if beign away from your kids makes you unhappy then find a way to live within your budget. If working will make you feel good then go ahead and do it.

THere is no one size fits all or even most in this world.

the ultimate debate...

I work full time in the city. I am gone from 8-7 every day. I personally do not feel like I am missing out on time with my kids. They stay up later at night so I get time with them, and then we make the most out of our weekends. Before I went back to work I was afraid that I would be missing out on so much with them, but once I went back to work I never felt that way again.

IMO 15 months is not that young - I think a 15 month old would enjoy going to "school" and being around other kids.

Ultimately you are the only one who knows what is right for you. I personally would never want to be a SAHM, but I would love to work part time - is that an option for you?

Re: the ultimate debate...

Most SAHMs I know plan to go back to work when the kids are older. I would consider 4 and 6 older. One of my friends who is a SAHM to one 4 year old wit no plans to have more children is wondering what to do everyday while her son is at school. She said most other moms she knows seem to be going back to work.

Could you work part time?

DH can afford to support us financially and I planned to stay home indefinitely. After DS#2 was born, I did not go back from maternity leave. We ended up moving OOS for DH's work and I eventually worked PT. I started off working 10-20 hours and now work 30 hours per week. I really love working PT. I get to keep my foot in the door but I still can do plenty of playdates and spend time with the boys.

DS#2 started in the toddler class at DS#1's preschool at 18 months. I was really torn about sending him and almost quit my job because it was so heartbreaking sending him crying the first few weeks. One year later, I am so glad we sent him to preschool. He is thriving and so advanced. He has learned so much at school and loves all his classmates. We love our preschool and the vast variety of activities and enrichment they provide.

Message edited 8/20/2013 11:31:10 AM.

Re: the ultimate debate...

I feel like if there is a way to safely afford spending more time with your children, that's the best option. A family friend has reminded me that they're only little for a short period and you can always make more money but time will be gone.

Also, I get mad at myself because I am self-employed and WAH and don't always put my DCs first. With babies #1 and #2 I had 12 wks maternity leave and I could focus on my family. With baby #3, I started working again when he was just 3wks old because I felt pressured to be in touch with my clients for fear of losing them to my competitors. I look back on it now and remember that I missed some key bonding times with him because of some project that I deemed more important than my family time. The project (and others) ultimately got canceled and while I made $$$, I lost the time with my

And to add even more to it, last month my 30yr old cousin died of a sudden heart attack. Yes THIRTY years old. Had two little boys and a third on the way - awful. This after my 40yr old cousin died in a swimming accident last summer, leaving his 7yr old daughter. My perspective is to spend as much QT with my DCs as I can now while we are here and we are all healthy.

the ultimate debate...

its not really about the money for the extras its the time...my dd goes to dance, gymnastics and an acting class (at the gymnastic place). She loves it...going back to work would mean having to sacrifice taking her to a lot of it. It was a debate I was having with a friend. She went back but now has no time to do anything.
IDK
I have a ways to go before I could work anyway and even then it will be part time and I am looking forward to it..moved oos so I need to get a lot together before I can do what I do in another state

Re: the ultimate debate...

Message edited 8/20/2013 1:33:25 PM.

Re: the ultimate debate...

We can't afford for me to stay home, so it's not an option. We're about to close on our home and about to have a hefty mortgage payment that requires two salaries.

I have fleeting thoughts of staying home but I make a good salary, have great benefits, and I (mostly!) enjoy my job. I do wish I could stay home with the peanut longer than 3 months though. Like many others, I will definitely not be ready to go back so soon.

I'm curious about those who go back to work after being out for a while. Are you going back to the same career? How easy was it to do? This wouldn't be an option for me. It's scary and frustrating that if I wanted to take a significant amount of time and then go back to work, it would have to be to a different job/career field.

Re: the ultimate debate...

I think I'm a better mother because I work. I love having a job and contributing to our family financially. It's not an option for me to stay home, but even if it were, that's just not in me. I love my son more than life itself, but I also need a career. Yes, sometimes I miss him when I'm at work, but I also know that I'd be going nuts at home if that was all I had.

It's a personal decision and everyone has to do what's best for them and their family situation.

Re: the ultimate debate...

I could not go back to my position if I was off for a long time (over Fmla), I can't to PT, so I'm a FTWM.

I honestly have an awesome profession. It's not just as simple as time with kid vs $$$.

Yes, the extra $$$ allows us vacation, pay bills, fewer worries, etc. I just don't think those things are why I work, there is much more. Part of it is so that of something were to happen to DH, I could support our lifestyle (house, schools, food).

Part of it is so I can look my daughter in the eye and tell her she can reach for the stars and do anything she wants baby or not.

There is a good NYT magazine article on this topic.

Message edited 8/20/2013 10:31:10 PM.

the ultimate debate...

IMO, you will never get this time back. You can always go back to work and have more money for "things".

Message edited 8/21/2013 12:14:47 AM.

Re: the ultimate debate...

I love my career, and my salary gives us more than "things". Financial stability, no worrying about bills, saving for College.

In my industry I can't take 10 years off and waltz back in and make 6 figures again, won't happen. I think many women think its easy to get back in the job market.

I'd rather have the option of staying home when my kids are teens and really can get in trouble.

Re: the ultimate debate...

Message edited 8/21/2013 7:05:48 AM.