How can I handle this tactfully?

Sorry this is long and please don't quote. I don't normally post this kind of thing.

Let me start by saying I love our families and they adore DD. The problem is that whenever people come to visit, they are all over her and she ends up completely overstimulated. I totally understand that my relatives are coming to see DD and play with her, but every two seconds they are handing her a different toy, telling her to look at this, or do this or that. DD is always happy so she goes along with it and then all of a sudden will melt down and is a complete wreck for the rest of the day.

Since she was happy for 2 or 3 hours, family members just see how well behaved and happy she is and just don't get that these meltdowns are not the norm and how they are contributing to it. I usually bite my tongue, but I hate seeing DD miserable, overtired, unable to nap at the end of these visits. When it's my mom, I have no problem telling her to chill out and back off a little. I can't just come out and say that to other people and it makes me anxious when we have plans with other family members which I hate. I want to enjoy visits and have DD be smiling and happy when they leave (or napping at least)!

How do I ask people to back off without offending them? Obviously I want them to play with DD and I feel like they'll think I'm being ridiculous for telling them HOW to play with a 10 month old.

How can I handle this tactfully?

This is going to sound bad but I used my doctor as an excuse. Told them that the doc said she needs to get her naps. Honestly she is/was a night owl so I said that she needs to learn the world isn’t a playground. She loves to have fun but she doesn’t know when to stop so we have to limit ourselves so she can process it. Growing minds and all. She needs to absorb whatever she’s doing, process it, sleep on it then try to retain and remember it.

And here’s the real guilt trip (im sorry to all here with ADD. My brother has severe ADHD and I know this is bad) I told them that I was working on teaching her how to concentrate on one thing, object or activity for a set amount of time (set time always longer than 5 secs). So I asked that they don’t confuse her by overloading her with stimulus. Honestly said that when they leave, she is left confused, upset and frustrated that the fun as stopped so I’d rather it be a gradual thing. I don’t know why people decide to give gifts AS they walk out the door. By the time you walk out my door AJ should be over you. LOL

Most family didn’t want to upset her. But I won’t lie. Its HARD my aunt STILL does it and AJ’s nearly 5. Lets all sit and watch Little Mermaid (something AJ had never seen) and get her all set up for bed since she’s not happy that Mama and Daddy are leaving her. We get comfy and before Ariel has even been introduced my aunt is saying “Oh look AJ what I have” I look over and say “she’s watching the movie for now” then oh… um… “Did I show you this (to me)” no.. “AJ want to show mama the new game we have?” like really? Did you not hear me 5secs before? “She’s wrapped up in the movie right now, she’s never seen this before” really? Never? Seriously, never so I want to see if she likes it, Ok? Oh… then she brings toys into the room saying that she’s sorting them when I know she wants AJ to play. GRRRR!

When I give her free reign she’ll literally push 5-10 things in front of my daughter at any one given time. It is ALWAYS a major let down when she comes home during the long summer days she spends with Auntie and its why we limit the time we spend with Auntie every now and then.

Its still my favorite come back though. I don’t want AJ to get too ADD, she needs to stick with whatever project she’s working on. One thing at a time. Period. She’ll learn to multi-task later, all girls are better at it anyway. haha

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

Can you remove all of your toys that way they have nothing to stimulate her with?

Just leave out some books so if they want to play with her, they can read?

Or a CD of interactive songs - Head, Shoulders, Knees, Toes, Where is Thumbkin?, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Bones, etc?

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

ugh!! just giving your some sympathy My ILs are the same way!! EXCEPT- they live out of state, so when they're here, its for 3 or 4 days straight!!!
DS is 2, and actually likes playing on his own for a few minutes here and there- and i think its good for him. BUT when ILs are here, its 3 DAYS of "oh! look at this!" "oh, you want to play with this?" "how bout we do this??" and then when they leave, hes "off" for a least a day afterward because of the overstimulation.
and they sometimes have a hard time listening to what we're telling them. Like last time they were here, we took DS to a model train thing at a museum. He had fun, but i could tell he was starting to get fussy. It was 2 PM and past his naptime. I said something like "oh, maybe we should head out and let him get his nap". But FIL just picked him up "oh! you're ok, lets go look at the rest of the museum!" I finally just kind of grabbed him from FIL and started to walking out of the museum LOL probably thought I was bitchy- but its my kid, and if i'm gonna have to deal with the ILs visiting for days, I need to keep them in line
DS is their first grandchild, so i want to them to be able to enjoy him, but it drives me NUTS!! luckily, DH is awesome at telling them to back off HAHA so i usually let him handle it. (like you said, its easier when its your own parents).
So, yeah, I have no real advice- just thought you might like to know you're not the only one!

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

Can you just pick her up and walk away with her. You CAN say these things to people, she is YOUR daughter and if they don't like it, tough. If you feel they are making your daughter uncomfortable, then by all means, as awkward as it is.....step in. I know it is uncomfortable to do, but they will get over it.

How can I handle this tactfully?

be direct..if she needs her nap..just tell them that she needs to nap now. While she is away, step away with her to another room.

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

Posted by ml110

ugh!! just giving your some sympathy My ILs are the same way!! EXCEPT- they live out of state, so when they're here, its for 3 or 4 days straight!!!
DS is 2, and actually likes playing on his own for a few minutes here and there- and i think its good for him. BUT when ILs are here, its 3 DAYS of "oh! look at this!" "oh, you want to play with this?" "how bout we do this??" and then when they leave, hes "off" for a least a day afterward because of the overstimulation.
and they sometimes have a hard time listening to what we're telling them. Like last time they were here, we took DS to a model train thing at a museum. He had fun, but i could tell he was starting to get fussy. It was 2 PM and past his naptime. I said something like "oh, maybe we should head out and let him get his nap". But FIL just picked him up "oh! you're ok, lets go look at the rest of the museum!" I finally just kind of grabbed him from FIL and started to walking out of the museum LOL probably thought I was bitchy- but its my kid, and if i'm gonna have to deal with the ILs visiting for days, I need to keep them in line
DS is their first grandchild, so i want to them to be able to enjoy him, but it drives me NUTS!! luckily, DH is awesome at telling them to back off HAHA so i usually let him handle it. (like you said, its easier when its your own parents).
So, yeah, I have no real advice- just thought you might like to know you're not the only one!

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

oh ok..I see. Maybe you can try to hide all the toys and take a break with her if you need to.

Message edited 2/21/2013 2:47:05 PM.

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?

My In-Laws are like this. DD is the same way. DH has ADD and I already have enough to worry about plus She needs A LOT of sleep. And she will stay awake if you are entertaining her, I mean she fights to stay awake anyway, but if she doesn't get it... she is miserable!!! and normally she is a very calm, serene, happy baby if she gets her sleep. Well, as a first time mom I didn't always realize what the deal was and when my DD turned 4 months and I started really getting the hang of it, I looked back at the first few weeks/months and regretted a lot. DD was only three weeks when the inlaws first visited for a long time and they made me keep her up the WHOLE day. I mean they were here for 14 hours plus LITERALLY, every day for 4 days in a row. They would walk in at 7am and not leave until 9pm. MIL just loved holding a crying baby acting like she could fix it but she couldn't... and DD cried in her arms for at least 6 of those hours. This makes me cry just typing this!!! I still have so much guilt and sorrow over how I let his family just take over and didn't realize DD's real needs. We just thought she was a colicky-miserable baby and actually she was just sleep deprived and over stimulated. ok sorry to hijack... my point being is that I understand and this is what I had to do.


-make sure DH is on board.
-use the doctor excuse (well the doctor seems to think she gets overstimulated... or the doctor says she should be taking more naps... you can come up with something)
-I use DH's ADD as an excuse (obviously you can't BUT you can say you were doing reading and that a lot of research/articles scared you about ADD and you want her concentrating on 1 thing at a time, rather than a few different things)
-Say outright "i dont want to see her get upset or fussy and she gets really upset and fussy if we play with too many toys, lets put some of these away"
-Hide toys
-take your DD away and say, sorry have to change her diaper now, and give her some space (even if the diaper didn't need to be changed)
-take your DD away and say "our normal routine is that we take a break OR take a nap or something like that at this time" and then you enforce the break or nap.

Message edited 2/21/2013 2:43:37 PM.

Re: How can I handle this tactfully?