Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

So last night I just was complaining to dh how much my body is just aching. In turn he turns around to tell me how much something on him hurts. I got frustrated and asked him why is it when I complain about something he has to try to either top it or try to bring the focus to him! He got mad and said I thought we were just complaining (but he does this every time). I said cause Im the one who is 8 ½ months pregnant. He then asked
“What is the difference between being pregnant vs working 12-14 hour days with horrible sleep cause of pain in his hand. Why do I/women feel that I have more right to complain?”
My only reply was that this is the reason I am not having any more children…not that I don’t want more children but the fact that I don’t ever want to be pregnant again because he doesn’t support me at all (physically or emotionally)
Just to add, we walked around the outlets yesterday, then went out to eats with my 2 ½ yr dd, who was having a bad day. I’ve been having sever SI Joint pain (low back) for a while now….so bad that by the end of the night I can barely walk and now some kind of ligament pain in the front (same side) so bad where my foot goes numb, carpal tunnel started from me trying to help myself up, and I’ve been having contractions on and off for the past 3 weeks…I could go on and on but apparently all I do is complain!
Am I over reacting? does he have a point? Or can someone help me find the words to explain to dh why pregnant women aches/pains and lake of sleep should take precedence (at least some of the time!)?

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Honestly, I think it's a man thing. I'm going through the same thing right now--I am due 4/4, have a 2.5 year old, work F/T more hours than DH and am up at 5 for work when my 2.5 year old decided he doesn't like to sleep before 11PM...And he's whining about his back which he hurt from working out too hard at the gym. The one time I asked him to feel the baby kick (this one is much less active than my #1) he asked me to wait til a commercial break.

He was complaining about his back last night and I'm like 'i'm carrying around an extra 30 lbs in my belly' and he said well, it's not just your belly...the baby weighs 5 lbs, you've got some water weight, but the rest is probably distributed all over. Are you f-in kidding me!? arguing with me about where I've gained?!

I just complain to my mom about my pains and not DH. It's just not worth it. I know he's not as sympathetic as I want him to be, and maybe it is hard if you haven't been through it to imagine just how awful it is. I went to three stores (huge stores--Costco, Target, grocery) and then said I overdid it, and he laughed and said are you kidding me? You were only gone 3 hours.

I've taken courses in counseling and I have degrees in communication, and I think the answer is probably something like "when you respond to my complaints with your own, it feels like you are belittling how I feel, and makes me feel like you don't empathize with what I am going through." But really, what PG woman doesn't just want to say STFU.

Message edited 3/5/2012 8:46:59 AM.

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

I can completely relate --- I don't think you are overreacting at all!

My DH has always been a complainer. He does have several medical issues that are legitimate, and normally I feel great.

So now that the tables are turned I do feel like he should show some compassion for hwat I am going through, because I am constantly understanding of him when he is having aches and pains.

But I get the same thing .... and it feels like "A tit for a tat" and I am not saying that I can barely walk because I want you to give me your long list of what is bothering you, I want you to tell me to sit down and relax a bit. I want you to offer to do a few things or ask me what else I have to get done so you can help.

I have to remind myself that he is supportive in a lot of ways. He does carry in the groceries, carry the laundry up the stairs, help with my DD soo much. But still ---when I am horribly uncomfortable and in pain, it doesn't make me feel any better to listen to him complain!

Sometimes i feel like we need to tell them what an appropriate response would be. Maybe they just don't get it at all! Maybe they flat out need to hear that we don't want to hear it from them, or what we DO want to hear from them instead!

Hang in there, you are very close to the end!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

I don't think you are overreacting at all!! I think you have every right to talk about your pain and get the support you need from your DH. I get why you are upset- it sounds like you aren't getting the support, just a tit-for-tat "Well, my X hurts too". Why does one's pain have to negate or compete with the pain of the other?

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Okay I have seriously just the sweetest hubby who couldn't be happier that we r having a baby. That said .... For example I work on my feet and get horrrrid feet pain so every day or so I ask him for a foot rub. I even say I will shower first in case I have stinky foot syndrome lol has he ever once rubbed my feet in 8 months? Nope. He changes the subjecy or something. I think he has a foot phobia. One night I even begged him to get me ice pacjs bc they hurt soooo much and I was nasty to him and said gee thanks for nothing. He would run in front of a car for me but won't rub my feet. So I am choosing to tryyyyyyy to remwmber its his man brain and to try to focus on other tgings otherwise he may get suffocated by my pregnancy pillow in the middle of the night!!!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

I think you need to explain that whether or not you are pregnant, when you complain about something, you need his support. you are complaining to him because he is your husband, who is supposed to be there for you, make you feel better, and build you up. when he doesn't do that, and responds only with his own woes, it makes you feel unimportant. let him know that of course he can complain to and has reason to feel bad, and when he comes to you with those complaints, you'll be there for him, and won't ignore them and come back with your own.

but, i do believe this is a fairly common relationship issue. not just in marriages, but in friendships, too. so many times when 1 person complains, somebody else complains back. but, when it's your spouse, it can happen over and over and over again, so you need to make him understand before it drives you crazy!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Ugh my DH does the same thing. And whenever I accuse him of trying to top my complaint, he gets offended. Anytime I say "my back hurts" he'll say "mine too!". And then I remind him the difference is he can take something for the pain and I can't and his pain will probably go away before mine will. I don't have any real advice just .

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Ughh!! It must me a DH thing. They physically can't understand that being pregnant is a 24/7 week job! I'm only 5 months pregnant but have back issues to begin with so my back has been killing me daily for a month. There was a week where every night I was asking for a massage. At first he was sweet about it, but by the third night, I got ! Are you kidding me. I 5 min rub down is so much work compared to what I've been dealing with!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

It is definitely a man thing.

After about 10 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing I turned to DH and said "Babe, I am so tired!"

and he said "me, too"

The nurses all gasped! But seriously, he saw nothing wrong with that LOL! and he was dead serious!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

It is definitly a MAN THING!!!

After giving birth to my DD my DH still complains how that was the worst 9 hours in his life sleeping in the uncomfortable chair in the hospital room waiting for her delivery!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Totally a man thing. DH says the same things. I just

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

Message edited 3/5/2012 2:39:47 PM.

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

totally a man thing ~ I don't think they will ever get it since they will never be preggo lots of hope you feel better!

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

thanks everyone...good just to know Im not alone!
I guess they just can not understand it and as women we just naturally are the care takers....we all know if our man is hurting in anyway prego or not we still get up and take care of them...sometimes it would just be nice if it was the other way around!

I'm the first to give props and tell him I couldnt work the way he does just wish he could understand how much work this is too

Re: Please help me find the right words…or am I over reacting

I think often when someone complains about something, the person listening tries to relate by complaining about something similar in his/her life, like as a way to commiserate and let you know you aren't alone in your suffering. I also think that pregnancy is one of things that no one can even comprehend unless they've been through it, man or woman. I'd cut him some slack, it may have been his way of trying to make you feel better, whether it worked for you or not.