please tell me what you think, i am so sad

I just need some words of encouragement....

DH and were planning on starting to TTC in Feb. I thought he was on board with me, we seemed to be on the same page, although thinking back i guess was more into the idea than he...I brought it up more often

Then as i thought about things more deeply, i realized that i didnt want to wait ( i have a fear that it will take me forever to get PG, and i feel ready now so why wait)....when i told him how i felt he got really defensive and started telling me that he isnt ready....that he still wants to be able to do what he wants and not have to worry about a child, that everything will change when we have a child and that he isnt ready for that.....(ie: like he wants to be able to go out with his friends, and play video games....YES he said that!)...

Now i am fearful that i scared him away from the idea. I wouldnt have pushed the idea of starting now if i knew he would react like this....i tried explaining that most people never fully feel ready and that we would make it work, he kept arguing new points with me why it would be too much.

Now i dont know if he is on board with even starting in Feb. anymore.....i keep asking him, if he isnt ready now (which is ok with me...i will wait 2 months if he wants that) and he feels so stronglyabout it....how will he ever be ready in Feb.....

I really wanted this, i am so sad b/c i feel like it is all one sided now....although i know if it came down to me getting pregnant, i know he would come around in an instant....i dont want to bring a baby into the world that way, i want us to both be looking forward to it, and to WANT that BFP....and besides....we can't even start trying if he dosnt want to, he wont let it happen....

anyone elses DH like this??
what do you think his chances are of coming around by Feb??
how can i get through this disagreement, i think the only way is to let him have what he wants....i will have to just wait for him to be ready, no?

i can't even really speak to him right now i am so upset...i feel like his comments were selfish regardless of whether or now we have a child, he is married...

Message edited 12/11/2008 8:40:53 PM.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

My was the same at first about 1 year ago. We set the date to stop BCP in 09. We traveled alot in the last year. We always talked about it through out the year. Then as it got closer he has now warmed up to the idea and began to get excited himself. I came off BCP 2 months before planned and now we are TTC and he is really into the idea of having a baby. Maybe giving him a little more time but always talking about it might give him more time to warm up? Either way lots of for you!

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

i don't think that anyone can pinpoint the chances of him changing his mind in 2 months. i think he's right to take this seriously, and i don't think you should pressure him, though you could keep bringing up the idea. in the meantime, it looks like you recently got married, and take the time to enjoy married life without that responsibility. have fun with him, your friends, and let him play video games if he wants to. My dh played red faction every sunday with his friends for years...and then he grew up, and wanted a baby more than i did.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

I just want you to let your DH know that you can still play video games and have a child. My DS is now 16 months old and my DH has a wii and ps3 and he definately plays video games. He plays about 2 -3 hours each night weekdays and sometimes more on the weekends. When DS was first born DH only played a little bit but he was still able to play them pretty often - about 3 times a week. He is also home for dinner with us and does watch tv and plays with DS after work. Does he go out a lot no, but then we are more homebodys. It is really hard but you need to let him come to the idea of having a child himself. I knew I was ready before DH was ready. I had to stop pressuring my DH about it and within 6 months of my being ready he was too. We were very fortunate to get pg with DS our first month of trying. Good luck.

ETS: We were married for almost 2 years when DS was born. I think it is good to get the marriage established before starting to have children. Your DH is right - it does change things.

Message edited 12/11/2008 9:03:04 PM.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

Hang in there.....

I'll tell you a little about me/us, DH and I are married 6 years (we have been together 10), I am 6 years older then him. I knew when we first got married we didn't want children right away. He was coming to me fresh from his mommy!
We wanted the first year of marriage to be fun. It was ...an absolute blast. One day out of no where he said to me, "I don't think I want children". I almost dropped to the floor.
Over the next few years things happened along the way, I got into a terrible car accident, we bought our home..blah, blah.
Last year I turned to him and said, "look when we got married we both were on the same page about children. I haven't said boo to you about anything or pressured you. I just want to know...if this really is a set in stone decision for you or not. Other wise I want to travel and do so many things". His answer was I'm not sure, I do and I don't.
To make my long story longer....on my birthday last year he surprised me and said, "let's have a baby". I cried and cried and he has been on board 100% since!
I asked "what changed your mind". He said I always wanted children, I was just scared. The fact you never pressured me and let me come on this on my own..

So here we are TTC! I can say we have been trying since March, but really its more like 4-5 months. I have a HUGE age strike against me.....but we are together at this as a "team".
If your still reading this...thanks. I hope this helped you just a little to understand where your DH may be coming from.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

Posted by nov04libride

i don't think that anyone can pinpoint the chances of him changing his mind in 2 months. i think he's right to take this seriously, and i don't think you should pressure him, though you could keep bringing up the idea. in the meantime, it looks like you recently got married, and take the time to enjoy married life without that responsibility. have fun with him, your friends, and let him play video games if he wants to. My dh played red faction every sunday with his friends for years...and then he grew up, and wanted a baby more than i did.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

My DH never really felt ready, but we talked about it alot. He was like your DH, afarid of how things would change and what not. Well we set a date (like you did for Feb.) and he started panicking a little before that date. But I told him that we had agreed and that was when it was happening. By the time that specific time came, he knew this was real and we were going to start TTC. That little in between time got him ready and on board. After the first two months of no BFP, he was really wanting that baby. And I got pregnant the next month.
This time around was similar. He didn't feel ready for a while and even tried to pull, "I would be happy with just the one we have." But that just wasn't fair and not what we had discussed before getting married. Again, we set a start date for months after the big conversation. And again, he was on board by the time that time came. Now we're on month 4 and he's waiting for that BFP, just like me.


ETA- And I just wanted to add, after our second month of TTC Dh even had the nerve to say that I should have pushed him to start trying earlier. Only you know your DH best and what the best way to handle him is.

Message edited 12/12/2008 9:57:51 AM.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

My dh wasn't quite ready until after he went to the Dr. with me. I have health issues and the doctor discussed all the things we (I) will have to do to get/stay pregnant. After that he really seemed to open up and want it more. I guess after he heard all I would have to go through the least he could do is have sex . We know have an 11 month old ds and are almost reay to ttc#2. Guys are weird. Dh went from well when we get back from the honeymoon we will start trying to starting 3 months before the wedding. Give him some time and if you have any friends that have kids get together with them so he can see even though his life will change it will not be over.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

Honestly, it was the opposite for us.... DH was ready to get started because he felt like we are getting old (we r both 30). I was soooo scared about losing the life I have. It was really petty, but it is a huge committment to have kids and it will change our lives forever. I came around really quickly though...it just took about a month or so for me to think it through and let the idea settle. Now, 7 months later, I would give my right arm for a BFP!
You just both have to be ready. He will come around....just give it some time.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

mine was afraid n so was i we started talking about a baby in may 2008 got off bc aug 08 didnt start trying till oct 08 so it was a long process that we had to prepare ourselves with, n once dh got into ttc he wanted it more than me. so i am sure that once u guys start talking about it more n explaining ur feelings why u r scared or he is scared etc u will come with comprise and think if its a few months wait its worth the wait, u will get ur bfp promise.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

It is a scarey thing to have a baby, more so for men I think. IMO more than likely if you give im some time he might come around and change his mind. He might be panicing and going into fight or flight mode ya know. Give him a few days, then talk about it again. Maybe just calmly ask him what his intensions are so you know where you stand with having a baby. Maybe he'd be into "just seeing what happens" ya know, let things happen....don't temp and track and do all that, but just have the love life you have always had minus protection or pull and pray.

I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think if he really isn't ready, then he is really being very unselfish b/c it would be selfish to bring a baby into the world when not ready and lay the brunt of the responsability on you, ya know what I mean!

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

I don't think you are ever really ready to have a baby until you hold that child in your arms for the first time.

DH had some of the same concerns as your husband in the beginning - and now he looks back and asks what we waited for.

You can't push someone into being ready - but he needs to understand that life does not end when you have a child - it just begins. It's so sappy but it gives your entire life a whole new beginning. My husband still has card games with his friends. He goes to the gym every night. He plays golf in the summer all the time. Sure, there are things he has given up - but he wants to give them up now to be with my son!

I would sit down and talk to him about how you feel and try to see if you guys can get on the same page!

ETA: If he really isn't ready when Feb comes I think you should try to come to a timing agreement. I know alot of people who had kids before they were ready and the marriage is really suffering quite a bit!

Message edited 12/12/2008 8:59:11 AM.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

No, life definatelty doesn't end....it just changes at least for me it has been an adjustment, I wont deny that. 2 1/2 yrs later there are times when I get upset about missing out on something b/c I don't have a sitter, but then I just look at DS and its all worth it.

For example......Tonight DH is going out with the guys for Christmas (all the wives use to go too, but now we all have kids so its too hard to get everyone out) tomorrow he is going to the Ranger game then a party for a co-worker......i'd probably be gong to that but have to work. We are lucky to have family very close to baby sit. A few of my girlfriends are getting together tomorrow night too which I may meet up with them after work if I get out early enough, but I missing these b/c of work not being a mom.

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

Mine was definitely like that. We had the "talk" in August, and he was defensive at first. He came around to the point that around our anniversary, which was November 18, he wanted to try! So, I would give him some room, and I bet he will come to you in no time!

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

I would wait it out for another few months . I think you both need to be on the same page in TTC, and you don't want him to end up resenting you for it.

For me it was the opposite , my DH wanted to TTC right away , and I could have waited but when he sat down and explained why he felt we should try , he made some valid points , DH is close to 40 and I am in my early 30's , and we are not getting any younger and we would loved to be blessed with 2 maybe 3 !

In Feb I would sit down with him and calmly explain why you would like to TTC .

Re: please tell me what you think, i am so sad

the idea of having a baby and all those life changes is scary.
He was probably ok with Feb, then when you moved up the date he freaked a little and responded by getting defensive.


Don't push him, tell him you will go back to February, if he is comfortable with that. You want him 100% on board. Because if things don't go exactly as planned or you have trouble... you are going to need eachother. You want him there 100%!!!!

Enjoy the next 2 months. If he said all along February, he is probably fine with it.

I think you should enjoy married life, just the two of you for a little while.
Maybe that is his thought too.

Message edited 12/12/2008 10:18:24 AM.