Am I doing the right thing?

Ok, a little family background. I grew up with a very small family, and no family in the US besides my parents and grandparents. We spent our holidays with some distant relatives, and we saw them every year. Today, when I talk about my cousins, its this branch of the family-even though they are 3rd cousins. Still a bunch of us girls in NY get together for dinner every few months.

So there was one branch of the family, who I barely knew and didn't come too much to the family reunions. I never really got to know the kids (about 10 years older than me) and the ones I would recognize (she had 4 and I only remember 2) I have seen in about 15 years.

So there are 2 sisters (B & M) who are my cousins who I used to be in touch with when we all lived in Boston. In fact, when I got married, M was also engaged and we woudl e-mail about wedding stuff and I sent her all the cousins contact info, etc..

Last night B calls me and tells me her aunt (the one I barely knew) passed away and the funeral is today. (I haven't spoken to B in years). She asks me to contact the other cousins that I am in touch with and let them know because the woman's kids didn't tell anyone in this side of the family. So I sent an e-mail wiht all the information to all the cousins I am in touch with.

So I feel obligated to go to pay a shiva call tonight. Its kind of a PITA. I have to leave work earlier than usual and take the train to LI with my 18 month old daughter. But I feel since I was the only one personally called, I should go. My mom is coming with me, so I won't be alone, but my sister isn't. Honestly, I can walk into the daughter's house and I probably won't even recognize her. For me, its more about paying respect to her neices (B&M) then for her children.

I have a tendency to go really out of my way for things, its really not necessary to do. Is this one of those situations, or am I doing the right thing?

ETA: None of her children paid a shiva call to my family when my father passed away 11 years ago- and we were all much closer in touch then. But that doesn't change the fact (to me) that I still think I should go.

Message edited 10/22/2007 9:26:48 AM.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

IMO, you are doing the right thing. I would do exactly what you are doing.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

I would go, too, just to pay your respects to the neices. You'll probably feel better about yourself if you do.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing?

I would go to, You're doing the right thing.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Who knows, maybe by going, you will bring the family closer.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

You are doing the right thing for you. You feel good about this decision because you are paying respect to family...don't let what others do or not do change what you feel is right for you. Yes its a PITA, but this is who you are and how you like to live your life by being thoughtful and sensitive to your family and friends.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Thanks guys.

I tend to go above and beyond and really put myself out for people who just don't appreciate it or do the same.

So I was just trying to figure out if I am doing the right thing (which I thought), or doing way too much.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

I would go. Not only do I think it's the right thing to do but when a family is grieving, it's nice for them to know you were thinking about them.

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I will be the odd. I would not go. Especially with a young child.

I don't care too much for family who has not talked to me in years.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

I think you're doing the right thing and you'll feel better about going. Plus your mom is going, so just think about it as you're going so she isn't alone. And sadly, times like these, are a good time to get back in touch with those we haven't been in contact with for a while.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

I wouldn't let the fact that they didn't pay you the same respect affect what you feel is the right thing to do. In your heart you want to do this b/c you feel it is the right thing. Go with that!

Re: Am I doing the right thing?