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Need hugs...
It's not anything as big as a lot of other people on here, but DH and I are having a tough time. He's been ready to graduate his PhD program for a year, but he's stuck here because I still have 2 more years to go (who knows, maybe more). He can't find any academic jobs around here and he's miserable at school since he knows his work is sort of pointless now that he's ready to graduate. I feel like I am 100% the reason he's so unhappy because if it weren't for me, he could look for jobs much further away. I want to be able to tell him to go far for a job, but I'll be miserable here alone. I have no family here, and I hate it in grad school too. DH is the only thing that keeps me going here. I feel selfish, but I also don't want to resent DH if he leaves for 2 years. It's just really hard and it's seeping into our married life because whenever we see each other at home, he is so unhappy and I am reminded that it is my fault. I don't know what to do...
eta: it doesn't help that everyone his year and some younger students are all graduating now and have gotten jobs.  I hate to see him like this.
Message edited 9/12/2007 9:43:23 AM.
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Posted 9/12/07 9:42 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: Need hugs...
First of all..
Secondly...is it possible for him to look for a job elsewhere and you finish grad school wherever he goes? It's not the best option, but even if you stayed just to finish the semester here - you could go and be with him for the next semester.
Good luck.
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:44 AM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Need hugs...
Can you leave the school you are in and continue your graduate studies at a different Universtity, perhaps where your DH can find a job?
You said you don't like it there either, and it seems both of you are misearable, why don't you consider going to a different school? Is your area very specialized that they don't offer it anywhere else?
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:45 AM |
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
Member since 5/05 46292 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:46 AM |
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bird382
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Member since 7/07 1712 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
Can he postdoc in his current lab until you're done?
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:46 AM |
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JMC1014
We got a puppy!!
Member since 5/07 1420 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Need hugs...
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:46 AM |
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Tany
Becoming a different woman
Member since 5/05 24460 total posts
Name:
Tania
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Re: Need hugs...
I agree with Gerty, marriage is about compromising and trying to find a happy medium for both of you.
hang in there, hopefully things turn around for the better
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:47 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Thanks girls: hug:
There is no possible way for me to leave here, though. I work with animals and I have still yet to do my experiments for the bulk of my thesis. I got stuck in a dead end lab before and recently switched. So I'm far behind where I should be for a 6th year student 
So I have to be here every day at the same time to run my experiments. I wish I could just follow him to finish up my thesis.
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:49 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Can he postdoc in his current lab until you're done?
No, his advisor is out of money and is actually on sabatical now. He tried to get all of his students graduated before he left. He got all but one out, and that one is my DH.
There aren't any other positions at UMD for him to be a postdoc.
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:51 AM |
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littlejoy06
Love
Member since 3/07 6944 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:51 AM |
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Laura1
Fun in the Snow!
Member since 11/06 4512 total posts
Name:
Laura
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Re: Need hugs...
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:55 AM |
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bird382
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Member since 7/07 1712 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
There aren't any other positions at UMD for him to be a postdoc.
Seriously?  They might not be advertised -- postdoc positions rarely are.
Did he collaborate with other faculty members while doing his research? Could he approach them for a position? What about going to the department head and explaining the situation? The dept. should want to retain good researchers.
I know it seems like there's no easy solution, but I've seen a hundred people in a similar situation and all have made out okay in the end.
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| Posted 9/12/07 9:56 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
There aren't any other positions at UMD for him to be a postdoc.
Seriously? They might not be advertised -- postdoc positions rarely are.
Did he collaborate with other faculty members while doing his research? Could he approach them for a position? What about going to the department head and explaining the situation? The dept. should want to retain good researchers.
I know it seems like there's no easy solution, but I've seen a hundred people in a similar situation and all have made out okay in the end.
I don't know, he's in an astronomy dept and it seems different from bio depts because there is very little $$$, postdocs are all applications. In bio you can ask for a position, but in astro it seems like you need to apply for a grant first, then if you have the $$$ you can get a position.
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:01 AM |
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bird382
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Member since 7/07 1712 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
Ooooh. That sucks.  I wish I knew how to help!
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:03 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Ooooh. That sucks. I wish I knew how to help!
I know you're from a bio background, and me too! So it's hard for me to suggest things to my DH, since it works differently in our field. Everything I suggest he just shoots down. He doesn't realize it, but he's very negative about the whole thing.
Of course, he would have had a job at UVA this school year except the guy who got the job instead TOOK TWO POSITIONS!! He got a prof job at another university and was SUPPOSED to decline this job at UVA and DH would have it. But what did he do? He DELAYED his prof job and took this job too! We're livid. This @ss took 2 jobs and now my DH has none! And that job at UVA should rightfully be his. 
So DH has had a run of bad luck.
Message edited 9/12/2007 10:10:39 AM.
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:10 AM |
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HoneyBadger
YourWorstNightmare.
Member since 10/06 15979 total posts
Name:
BahBahBlackJeep
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by Gertyrae
First of all..
Secondly...is it possible for him to look for a job elsewhere and you finish grad school wherever he goes? It's not the best option, but even if you stayed just to finish the semester here - you could go and be with him for the next semester.
Good luck.
I was thinking the EXACT same thing!!!
I'm sorry you're going through this, hang in there!!!
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:15 AM |
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bird382
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Member since 7/07 1712 total posts
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
Of course, he would have had a job at UVA this school year except the guy who got the job instead TOOK TWO POSITIONS!! He got a prof job at another university and was SUPPOSED to decline this job at UVA and DH would have it. But what did he do? He DELAYED his prof job and took this job too! We're livid. This @ss took 2 jobs and now my DH has none! And that job at UVA should rightfully be his.
So DH has had a run of bad luck.
Wow, that's messed up! Your poor DH!
What about an instructor position at a nearby community college?
I'm grasping at straws here....
ETA: Here's a position announcement at Montgomery College in Rockville (I have no idea where in MD you are in relation...):
Part-time Faculty – Astronomy
This job posting is for applicants who wish to apply to the College’s part-time faculty applicant pool for Astronomy. Catalog descriptions of the Astronomy courses are available on the Montgomery College website, www.montgomerycollege.edu click on academics or for the direct link visit Montgomery College Catalog
Qualifications: A Master’s degree or higher from an accredited college or university. College level teaching experience is desirable. Knowledge of and commitment to the community college philosophy and mission. Willingness and flexibility to teach day, evening and weekend sections as needed. Ability to integrate technology into course delivery. Ability to teach in multicultural setting.
Message edited 9/12/2007 10:25:26 AM.
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:19 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
Of course, he would have had a job at UVA this school year except the guy who got the job instead TOOK TWO POSITIONS!! He got a prof job at another university and was SUPPOSED to decline this job at UVA and DH would have it. But what did he do? He DELAYED his prof job and took this job too! We're livid. This @ss took 2 jobs and now my DH has none! And that job at UVA should rightfully be his.
So DH has had a run of bad luck.
Wow, that's messed up! Your poor DH!
What about an instructor position at a nearby community college?
I'm grasping at straws here....
I know, right? I don't think that can normally happen, but it was a univ in Canada, and the guy was a canadian citizen. So I guess they allow delaying jobs. I don't think U.S. universities do. 
Eventually DH wants to work at a financial company doing computer simulations. They take a lot of ex-scientists and they make great money. The only prob is that the jobs are in NY, where we want to end up. But it's hard if he goes now while I'm still in MD. So he wants to get some kind of job that will help him towards that, and not just any job that may hurt his chances of getting this type of job a few years down the line. Know what I mean? This is why this is so difficult, and I feel SO bad that I'm behind and keeping him here.
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:27 AM |
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mka06
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 1079 total posts
Name:
Melis
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
Of course, he would have had a job at UVA this school year except the guy who got the job instead TOOK TWO POSITIONS!! He got a prof job at another university and was SUPPOSED to decline this job at UVA and DH would have it. But what did he do? He DELAYED his prof job and took this job too! We're livid. This @ss took 2 jobs and now my DH has none! And that job at UVA should rightfully be his.
So DH has had a run of bad luck.
Wow, that's messed up! Your poor DH!
What about an instructor position at a nearby community college?
I'm grasping at straws here....
ETA: Here's a position announcement at Montgomery College in Rockville (I have no idea where in MD you are in relation...):
Part-time Faculty – Astronomy
This job posting is for applicants who wish to apply to the College’s part-time faculty applicant pool for Astronomy. Catalog descriptions of the Astronomy courses are available on the Montgomery College website, www.montgomerycollege.edu click on academics or for the direct link visit Montgomery College Catalog
Qualifications: A Master’s degree or higher from an accredited college or university. College level teaching experience is desirable. Knowledge of and commitment to the community college philosophy and mission. Willingness and flexibility to teach day, evening and weekend sections as needed. Ability to integrate technology into course delivery. Ability to teach in multicultural setting.
wow - this sounds great and like your dh would definitely be qualified.!
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:35 AM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Need hugs...
I don't know much about the MD are, but are there any museums or planetariums nearby? Or maybe he could edit/write for astronomy publications?
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:35 AM |
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by bird382
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
Of course, he would have had a job at UVA this school year except the guy who got the job instead TOOK TWO POSITIONS!! He got a prof job at another university and was SUPPOSED to decline this job at UVA and DH would have it. But what did he do? He DELAYED his prof job and took this job too! We're livid. This @ss took 2 jobs and now my DH has none! And that job at UVA should rightfully be his.
So DH has had a run of bad luck.
Wow, that's messed up! Your poor DH!
What about an instructor position at a nearby community college?
I'm grasping at straws here....
ETA: Here's a position announcement at Montgomery College in Rockville (I have no idea where in MD you are in relation...):
Part-time Faculty – Astronomy
This job posting is for applicants who wish to apply to the College’s part-time faculty applicant pool for Astronomy. Catalog descriptions of the Astronomy courses are available on the Montgomery College website, www.montgomerycollege.edu click on academics or for the direct link visit Montgomery College Catalog
Qualifications: A Master’s degree or higher from an accredited college or university. College level teaching experience is desirable. Knowledge of and commitment to the community college philosophy and mission. Willingness and flexibility to teach day, evening and weekend sections as needed. Ability to integrate technology into course delivery. Ability to teach in multicultural setting.
Wow, where did you find this? I'll show DH, but he's so negative lately that I don't know what he'll say...he has such a bad attitude lately about all this.
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:44 AM |
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bird382
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Member since 7/07 1712 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need hugs...
Posted by glinda-goodwitch
Eventually DH wants to work at a financial company doing computer simulations. They take a lot of ex-scientists and they make great money. The only prob is that the jobs are in NY, where we want to end up. But it's hard if he goes now while I'm still in MD. So he wants to get some kind of job that will help him towards that, and not just any job that may hurt his chances of getting this type of job a few years down the line. Know what I mean? This is why this is so difficult, and I feel SO bad that I'm behind and keeping him here.
I'm so out of my league here..apparently I have no idea what astronomists actually DO! 
The part time faculty position was advertised at Inside Higher Ed.
Here it is on Montgomery College's website .
Tell your DH he's not allowed to be negative!! Everything will work out!
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| Posted 9/12/07 10:55 AM |
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