where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

I know this prob belongs more in families helping families, but I truely consider you guys my 2nd family...and I really need someone aside from ben and jerry right now!! (Dont worry ww moms..its lowfat ;) )

Anyways- yes its me complaining about my MIL again...Im so done its not even funny!!! 1st off I wanna start off by saying today I went to finalize my contract with the hall for the babys christening... (When I 1st went down there to see the place...my MIL was with me... )Today the party planner looked at me and said "oooo wheres your MIL today" and just laughed, before I even had time to look up at her she turned to me and said "I feel bad for you...I can tell shes one of those"... I just giggled and thought to myself "man lady you caught her on a good day"...lol -Now I know its not me just being over sensitive or thats its all in my head..a complete stranger saw MIL in action..

Anyways- One night during the week my MIL was here saying how her and my FIL wanted to come by Friday night to see my baby (this has become a ritual with them... pretty much every friday and sunday (yes in addition to when the see him during the week...) I had told her that Friday was not good for me, for I had alot of running around to do (the babys christening is a week a way... and this week is crazy cuz of thanksgiving...and aside from that.. since her family will be here a few days this week shes decided to make plans for me everyday...doesnt she know I have sh!t to do for the party????) SHe yes'd me to death and told me to call her when I got home....

So today I went on about my business got home @ 7 DH made dinner while I fed the baby..I scarfed down some egg white around 8, then got the baby settled in his activitiy center, and sat down to count soda bottles (for the party...to see how much more I needed) @ 8:45 I picked up the phone to call MIL( a friend of hers dropped some hand me downs off today that were really nice...I wanted her to know and to tell her I said thanks) Immediately my MIL is very cold and gives me a major attitude... I asked what was wrong, and she turned to me in the snotty's way ever and said... "Ya know I really wanted to see that baby tonight." Let me just mention to you all that last night DH and I went to dinner, she babysat, and she had her friend here in my house(thats right cuz im not allowed to be around when she saws of HER GRANDSON) So YES she just saw him LAST NIGHT...AND SHE WAS ****** AT ME...cuz I didnt get arounf to calling her til almost 9...

Well a little birdy once said to me...Marissa once you have a kid...you dont hold nothing back..and let me tell you ladies I went nuts... I let it all out... to the sh!t she pulled at my shower, to how she detered me from breastfeeding, how I dont need HER TO TELL ME HOW TO BE A MOTHER, and on and on and on...

She went back at me saying I was too sensitive, and when am I gonna realize I am gonna need her advice... (yea maybe one day ...but it will be when I ASK YOU) Ladies- I cant even think about the nasty crap she said to me.... and If I gave details I would be here all night...

I so at my breaking point... wait no im sorry im already broken... my marriage is completly falling apart, and Ive never felt so alone in my life...

Things are so hard for me... my dad is in Iraq... every time a special bulletin comes on the news (even if its a weather one) I get sick in fear of what could be going on over there... the one day I dont get an email (cuz he writes alot... that one day happened to be today) I cringe and worry like crazy... I cant help but think how sad it is for us to be apart on Thanksgiving and soon xmas...

My mom... is severly depressed... actual was almost admitted to the psych ward for suicidal tendencies.... Since my dad left she was put on anti-depressants, and I will say is doing AMAZING...

I have 2 younger brothers...who need me, because well obviously we are having some issues in the parent dept.

Im a new mom, and wife... and I still must be everyones strength...they all need me, and damn it Im always there....

Then I have this wench haunting me every day and night, making my life that much more difficult..

I think about leaving my husband everyday, simply because of her... I know thats wrong, and not what I want...hence why Im still here...BUT I feel so trapped in this hell and it seems like the only way out!!!

My husband gets the sh!t end of the stick...which causes us to fight BIG time.... For instance... he'll leave his dishes in the sink.. Ill b!tch and complain that he's lazy ( a normal thing) and then normally supposed to get over it right away... not a big enough deal for us to argue over... just for me to curse him under my breath....

Well to me not only is he lazy...but because Im married to this lazy man im linked to this woman, which the thought of that annoys me, and something so simple turns into a full out war...

Basically what Im trying to say I make mountains out of mole hills with him, because I blame him for her being in my life... I hate him for it!

Im so unhappy.... I love my son so much....and this is sucking the joy right outta me...

Theres no light to the end of my tunnel...this is my life forever, and that depresses me BIG time... I need a way out... my life, my mariiage, and plain old me can not go on like this...

Please ladies Im begging you...give me some advice show me there is @ least a flashlight... I need something...

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

First of all I want to give you major . I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm very proud that you finally stood up to your MIL. It's about time that she finally knows how you feel. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH. You guys are supposted to be a team. I know that you're taking your frustrations out on your DH...believe me, I've done the same thing with my DH.

I don't have any other advice other then talk with your DH.

I'm so sorry.......

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

OMG you poor thing...I feel for you.

Message edited 6/25/2009 3:23:13 PM.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Marissa -- I am SO sorry that you are going through all of this. She seriously sounds like she's been brought here just to make you miserable and you shouldn't have to deal with something like that at this point in your life.

I don't have any advise but please hang in there. You can vent to us whenever you want -- we'll never mind.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by RyansMommy

But you should also talk to your DH, he needs to support you. It is HIS mother and perhaps he should try talking to her first. And see what happens with that.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

I don't have MIL problems so I don't have much advice. I totally sounds like she has no respect for boundaries though and honestly you just have to keep setting them up and forching her to abide by them. I have had to do that with my own mother at times and sometimes she gets it and other tmes she doesn't.
Hang in there. Remember your DH and your son come before everything and you son needs his mom and dad so don't let MIL drive a wedge between you and your husband.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

oh Marissa,
I am so so sorry that you have to go through this, how unfair! Esp. since it is getting between you and your son-and the happy times together.

Your story reminds me a lot of my mom and my dads mom. Actually my mom could have probably recited that story word for word. Ultimately it led to the demise of my dad's relationship with his parents...it is sad, but he made a decision and chose his family and kids over his parents - it had to be done. (not saying this is the right answer though).

My Main question to you is - where is DH with all of this? Does he try to control his moms behaviors - or at least step in and try to protect you from them?

A few months ago I had my first problem with my MIl - she said something hurtful to me on purpose. I was so upset - I called my Dh and before I knew it he was on the phone with her and said - I refuse to have you speak to my wife that way. Now, that is bold - I know that...It's hard to do something like that - but your DH HAS to get involved in this.

I get the impression this might be a problem for him (if I am wrong PLEASE tell me - its just the conclusion I come to from your post) and that maybe he is a littke bit of a mommas boy - which is probably where all the problems stem from since your mil obviously feels threatened by you!!

but in MY honest opinion - you should not, can not fight this battle on your own - you need DH on your side - this isn't just about what is good for you - it's about ryan too.

to you - i hope i dudnt offend at all - I just want you to be happy - you are so great - and you deserve happiness.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Marissa, I also agree with the other posters about having a serious talk with your DH. Try to talk to him while you are calm, and Ryan is asleep, and let him know how badly this is affecting you. Explain all of the other things that are on your shoulders, like YOUR parents and YOUR brothers. Maybe for a while HE will be the one to have to deal with his mother, while you tend to your son, your family, and YOU!!! You need to take care of YOU in order to be able to take care of everyone (or anyone!) else.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I would react the exact same way that you are.

We are here if you need to vent!!

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

can u and dh have a long talk about this

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Ok- where is DH in all of this.... Well i dont hold anything back, and has brought to his attention many times how our marriage ( an b4 marriage) our relationship is suffering because of this....

One of the last really big blow outs Ryan called his mom, to defend me....it was really ugly...He was nasty....and the convo ended with him demand she stay outta our lives.... DH is one of 2 extremes....really nasty...or reaaly nice....apparently he dosent know how to deal with things like an adult

So then I got the old from her n her extended family... Im turning her son against her... im a trouble maker...blah blah blah...anything he said to her about the crap she pulls...went in her ear and out the other...she comprehended nothing, just that im evil...

You see its makes more problems for me when DH does get involved

Now- what pissesss me of the most is that...if it wasnt for me...they'd never see or speak to us.... Ryan never calls his parents, and if the phone rings and its his mom not only does he not answer the phone...but b!tches if he has to get on....The times they ask ( or demand ) they come over Ryan complains...why do we have to see them again....

If it wasnt for me ( the evil DIL) we'd have no relationship.... If i choose to play the basic DIL role... nice n friendly when we see eachother...but nothing more...not me calling her, or when she calls here- giving her a basic hi, hello, and then a hold on let me get ry..... not me inviting them over....waiting for my DH to take care of all this...( this is the relationship DH has with my mom....a sil nothing more nothing less....he only has small talk with my mom on the phone until i pick up, and he never calls to just invite her over) we wouldnt see or speak to them!!!!

This would be Ideal...however i dont know how to totally change our routine...and although it would be primarily her sons fault for not calling, inviting n so on...She'd blame me.... Again I lose no matter what angle I turn, and there is no light at the end of my tunnnel!

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

After the big blow out on the phone with her...is it likely that she'll pick up the phone and talk to you like nothing happened or will she ignore you for a while?

Your MIL needs to hear it from her son that HE'S the one that feels this way towards her and that you are not turning him against her. Maybe if she hears it from him...she'll realize that it's not you and that you're doing more than her own son (inviting her over, talking on the phone, etc.).

This lady need to be put in her place....I'm coming over!!!

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

It sounds like your DH has been forced to learn over the years how to deal with his mother. Maybe you should also try not calling her, not answering the phone and setting concrete boundaries ie: you can come on sunday nights, thats it!!!

Although my MIL problems were no wehre as bad, I also found the demands of new motherhood (being a mom, wife, daughter, and employee when I went back to work) overwhelming. I went to therapy for a little while and found it AMAZING to have a place where I could just be me.

This is all new, and eventually you will find a routine that works for everyone. I hope you find your 'flashlight' soon.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

OMG- she totally acts like nothing happened,,, this is what she sent me this morning...
.
Hi....do you still love me? Hope so.
Listen, I was wondering, tomorrow, since Rich is leaving early, and I have a 50th birthday to go to at 5:00, would you like for me to come over around 12 or so and get some of the crosses done? If we do a little on Sunday, and then on Monday, we should be able to finish them all and wrap them, etc. I have to be home by 3:30 so I can shower and get dressed to go out. But, I think a couple of hours can get a dent put into the crosses. Let me know later on what you
want to do. I hope Ryan is feeling better. Did he check to see if the doctors are on the plan just in case this is more than a cold? Well, gotta run. Talk to you later. kisses to rj for me

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

how about

"I am fine, I wont need any help. Thanks"

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by rose825


Although my MIL problems were no wehre as bad, I also found the demands of new motherhood (being a mom, wife, daughter, and employee when I went back to work) overwhelming. I went to therapy for a little while and found it AMAZING to have a place where I could just be me.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by Princessmaris

OMG- she totally acts like nothing happened,,, this is what she sent me this morning...
.
Hi....do you still love me? Hope so.
Listen, I was wondering, tomorrow, since Rich is leaving early, and I have a 50th birthday to go to at 5:00, would you like for me to come over around 12 or so and get some of the crosses done? If we do a little on Sunday, and then on Monday, we should be able to finish them all and wrap them, etc. I have to be home by 3:30 so I can shower and get dressed to go out. But, I think a couple of hours can get a dent put into the crosses. Let me know later on what you
want to do. I hope Ryan is feeling better. Did he check to see if the doctors are on the plan just in case this is more than a cold? Well, gotta run. Talk to you later. kisses to rj for me

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by Stefanie

Posted by Princessmaris

OMG- she totally acts like nothing happened,,, this is what she sent me this morning...
.
Hi....do you still love me? Hope so.
Listen, I was wondering, tomorrow, since Rich is leaving early, and I have a 50th birthday to go to at 5:00, would you like for me to come over around 12 or so and get some of the crosses done? If we do a little on Sunday, and then on Monday, we should be able to finish them all and wrap them, etc. I have to be home by 3:30 so I can shower and get dressed to go out. But, I think a couple of hours can get a dent put into the crosses. Let me know later on what you
want to do. I hope Ryan is feeling better. Did he check to see if the doctors are on the plan just in case this is more than a cold? Well, gotta run. Talk to you later. kisses to rj for me

Your MIL likes to cause arguements and stress and then totally turn around the next day to forget it all....hoping that you did the same. Unfortunately, you don't let things roll off your back as fast as she does. I can relate because I stay angry and pi$$ed off for a while too. I would tell her that you're doing the crosses yourself and thank you, but I don't need any help. What you need is some distance between the two of you before you want to kill her!

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Even though you may not be upset by her comments, you should let her know that you are still upset. If she thinks that you will brush everything off the next day she will continue. Its like another child you have to set boundaries and limits with.

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by Princessmaris

Posted by Stefanie

Posted by Princessmaris

OMG- she totally acts like nothing happened,,, this is what she sent me this morning...
.
Hi....do you still love me? Hope so.
Listen, I was wondering, tomorrow, since Rich is leaving early, and I have a 50th birthday to go to at 5:00, would you like for me to come over around 12 or so and get some of the crosses done? If we do a little on Sunday, and then on Monday, we should be able to finish them all and wrap them, etc. I have to be home by 3:30 so I can shower and get dressed to go out. But, I think a couple of hours can get a dent put into the crosses. Let me know later on what you
want to do. I hope Ryan is feeling better. Did he check to see if the doctors are on the plan just in case this is more than a cold? Well, gotta run. Talk to you later. kisses to rj for me

Your MIL likes to cause arguements and stress and then totally turn around the next day to forget it all....hoping that you did the same. Unfortunately, you don't let things roll off your back as fast as she does. I can relate because I stay angry and pi$$ed off for a while too. I would tell her that you're doing the crosses yourself and thank you, but I don't need any help. What you need is some distance between the two of you before you want to kill her!

or so i dont kill her

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

I agree with everyone that you should have a heart to heart w/DH and if he won't approach MIL than you should speak with her. BUT....I suggest having both conversations on a GOOD day...when nothing bad is going on. And in your conversation preface everything with..."When you do (this) it makes ME feel (this). That way you are taking responsibility for your feelings and they can't argue how you feel. Plus you are not blaming them. Instead of "YOU make ME feel like you don't care when you don't do the dishes"...you can say..."when you leave the dishes IT makes ME feel that you don't care"
Subtle difference but can change the tone of any conversation. It is now not an attack on that person.
Sorry...i couldn't control the therapist in me

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

I aggree that she should know that you aren't just going to drop it and pretend like it didn't happen. If you can let her know that you were very hurt by everything last night and you are having a hard time with how things are -- and that you appreciate the offer for help and all but everything just isn't "okay" -- if you can let her know of that somehow -- I think she needs to know it.

I was thinking about how she said that you are going to turn her grandchild against her . Hoenstly if anyone is doing that it is herself. RJ can sense your emotions. If he is constantly feeling like this woman is making his mommy upset -- making her stressed and tense and sad -- then he naturally is going to have it in for her -- whether she likes it or not. She should really back off and give you guys space for her own well being -- so that her grandchild won't have the same feelings towards her that you are feeling right not. Babies have an incredible way of being able to read the mood of thier mother. And it would be NO fault of your own -- because she really just needs to **** it up and back off.

I do definately think she needs to hear it from your DH -- I don't think people realize that when a baby is born -- you become your OWN family -- and that takes priority over anything else. It doesn't lessen your love for your siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and everyone inbetween, it just means that your own close knit thing is always going to be the first priority in your life.

Hang in there. Call me if you need to vent or anything!


Melissa

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

Posted by Melbernai

I aggree that she should know that you aren't just going to drop it and pretend like it didn't happen. If you can let her know that you were very hurt by everything last night and you are having a hard time with how things are -- and that you appreciate the offer for help and all but everything just isn't "okay" -- if you can let her know of that somehow -- I think she needs to know it.

I was thinking about how she said that you are going to turn her grandchild against her . Hoenstly if anyone is doing that it is herself. RJ can sense your emotions. If he is constantly feeling like this woman is making his mommy upset -- making her stressed and tense and sad -- then he naturally is going to have it in for her -- whether she likes it or not. She should really back off and give you guys space for her own well being -- so that her grandchild won't have the same feelings towards her that you are feeling right not. Babies have an incredible way of being able to read the mood of thier mother. And it would be NO fault of your own -- because she really just needs to **** it up and back off.

I do definately think she needs to hear it from your DH -- I don't think people realize that when a baby is born -- you become your OWN family -- and that takes priority over anything else. It doesn't lessen your love for your siblings, parents, aunts, uncles and everyone inbetween, it just means that your own close knit thing is always going to be the first priority in your life.

Hang in there. Call me if you need to vent or anything!


Melissa

Re: where do I go from here...(VERY LONG)

As far as her grandson goes.... no matter how much she pisses me off shes here a min. of 3x's a week...which if you ask me is a freakin lot!


That IS a lot to see your MIL. You have to cut that time down to at least once a week....for your own piece of mind!