What would you do?

I created this new screenname because I wanted to ask this question completely anonymously.

I am having a moral dilemma and really could use some unbiased input. My new (past 8 months) next-door neighbor is emotionally abusing her children. I can hear her ALL day long screaming at her children. She tells them to "shut up", threatens to hit them, spank them, and once I heard her yelling at her 5 year old that she would "make him bleed". Once she yelled that she hated them. I am 99% sure that she has never hit them, but then again, I really do not know her that well. I am basing this all on listening to her screaming and yelling all day long and on listening to her children having tantrums, crying, and screaming too. The few times I have talked to her, she seemsreally nice. Her husband works long hours in the city, and she is home with her children. I refuse to let my son play there. She refers to her children as the "little devils".

I do not know what to do. Part of me wants to stay out of it. These are her children, and she is probably oVerwhelmed from having a 5 year old, 3 year old twins and a baby (not sure how old). But on the other hand, I feel so bad for these children being yelled at and screamed at, and the words she uses sometimes... breaks my heart. Her children are big-time brats and I cannot help but think that maybe they are brats because of how she treats them, but then again, maybe she talks to them the way she does because they are brats? Ugh...

What would you do? Make an anonymous call to CPS? Call the school her son goes to and tell them my suspicions? I mean, these are not suspicions, because I have a front row "seat". I have heard it. Or do I mind my own business? I have 2 children of my own, and I understand being overwhelmed, but I would never talk to my children the way she does. I am just so confused. Thank you in advance for ANY thoughts. I am trying not to judge her here. I just want to help if I can.

Edited to add:
I would never normally post something like this. Its just that its gotten progressively worse and honestly... it brings tears to my eyes hearing some of the stuff she screams at them

Message edited 10/11/2006 1:27:27 PM.

Re: What would you do?

I have friends that were abused emotionally & physically. Every single one of them would say the emotional abuse is worse.

I would call CPS & just voice your concerns. Let them figure out if they feel it's abuse or not. I'm not sure how it works - you may have to give them your name but it should be kept confidential if you request it.

I do have to say that I scream at my kids & actually do spank if it's warranted.

It sounds as if she's more overwhelmed than anything else.

Re: What would you do?

Wow, that's a tough one. I honestly don't know what I'd do in that situation, I'd feel exactly the same way you do.

My brother is a cop and says you should call CPS directly before it escalates to hitting.

I'd lean more towards talking to the school's prinicpal and seeing what they think. Maybe you can talk to them about the situation without naming names until you know what you want to do?

Re: What would you do?

That is a tough situation but I would probably call CPS and just tell them what's going on b/c god forbid she does something to those children and you didn't call you would probably not forgive yourself.

Re: What would you do?

Unfortunately, I don't think that CPS would intervene in this type of situation. I think that emotional abuse is worse sometimes then physical abuse but having worked in the system, CPS is a poor responder.

Do you feel like you have enough of a relationship with her to talk with her? You could ask her if she needs any help because it sometimes sounds like she has her hands full. You may be able to approach her in a nonjudgemental way and that may help her in finding ways to help herself. Can you talk to the husband?

You're in a really diffucult situation and I feel for you. I wish I had better advice on how to handle the situation.

Message edited 10/11/2006 1:33:39 PM.

Re: What would you do?

This is going to probably sound like a crazy suggestion to some people...but, is it possible for you to knock on her door when you hear her yelling and just ask if she could use a hand? If you really want to help, maybe just letting her know that a friendly, non-judgemental neighbor is there to help would be calming and comforting to her.

You could say..."hey, I heard you from next door...I just want to make sure you and the kids are okay and if I can help. I totally understand that you have your hands full, so if you would like a hand or maybe I can take one of the kids to my house for an hour..."

Perhaps that would also plant the seed in her head that neighbors are AWARE of what she's doing...maybe she will calm down.

I imagine her as a depressed, isolated person. She's probably got so many emotional problems of her own going on...and unfortunately, that is coming out to her kids. If she doesn't respond to you reaching out to her, then I guess you have no choice but to call CPS.

Re: What would you do?

Posted by Claud

This is going to probably sound like a crazy suggestion to some people...but, is it possible for you to knock on her door when you hear her yelling and just ask if she could use a hand? If you really want to help, maybe just letting her know that a friendly, non-judgemental neighbor is there to help would be calming and comforting to her.

You could say..."hey, I heard you from next door...I just want to make sure you and the kids are okay and if I can help. I totally understand that you have your hands full, so if you would like a hand or maybe I can take one of the kids to my house for an hour..."

Perhaps that would also plant the seed in her head that neighbors are AWARE of what she's doing...maybe she will calm down.

I imagine her as a depressed, isolated person. She's probably got so many emotional problems of her own going on...and unfortunately, that is coming out to her kids. If she doesn't respond to you reaching out to her, then I guess you have no choice but to call CPS.

Re: What would you do?

tough call. Clauds idea could back fire terribly. She may be terribly embarrased and tell you to mind your business. Then you have to live next to her and she may no longer be nice.

Re: What would you do?

Posted by Claud

This is going to probably sound like a crazy suggestion to some people...but, is it possible for you to knock on her door when you hear her yelling and just ask if she could use a hand? If you really want to help, maybe just letting her know that a friendly, non-judgemental neighbor is there to help would be calming and comforting to her.

You could say..."hey, I heard you from next door...I just want to make sure you and the kids are okay and if I can help. I totally understand that you have your hands full, so if you would like a hand or maybe I can take one of the kids to my house for an hour..."

Perhaps that would also plant the seed in her head that neighbors are AWARE of what she's doing...maybe she will calm down.

I imagine her as a depressed, isolated person. She's probably got so many emotional problems of her own going on...and unfortunately, that is coming out to her kids. If she doesn't respond to you reaching out to her, then I guess you have no choice but to call CPS.

Re: What would you do?

Re: What would you do?

I know everyone yells at their kids one time or another BUT this sounds like the state of mind Andrea Yates was in when she drowned her kids. I don't feel from what you're describing that this is aperson that has a handle on their temper-For instance telling small children that you hate them or you'll make them bleed is NOT normal. I think this lady is on teh brink of a mental breakdown. I don't even know what to suggest. But I do know you would probably never forgive yourself if anythin g happened to those kids. I would probably call CPS and if they didn't do anything get the husband involved?

Re: What would you do?

I know that this may not be easy to do, but what about arranging a time that you and her could go out and get some coffee, mom to mom. Maybe on a Sat afternoon when the husbands are home. Kinda of befriend her and let her know that you are a person that she can talk to or ask for help. Maybe suggest a sitter you know of or just open the conversation up to how challenging parenting can be. Maybe she will take the bait and be open with you and you can find out what is really going on. For her, just maybe knowing that she can chat with you for 5 minutes a day may provide some sanity and perspective in her life.

Re: What would you do?

Thank you all. If this were "normal" yelling-at-your-kids stuff, I would not be all that alarmed. I mean, we have all been there. This stuff that she says is just plain mean. To hear a mother SCREAMING "I f*cking hate you", and "shut the f*ck up" at her children makes me want to cry. These kids are all under the age of 6, pretty much still babies kwim? Like I said, her children are real brats. I have seen their tantrums, and heard things that they say to her. I just can't help but feel that they are products of the things they have been told by her. Its scary, and its not like this happens "once in awhile", its every day. I am not close to her, have only met the husband once or twice and he just looks sad. I am trying so hard not to judge her. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to say something to her. I have no idea how I would be received. She may just slam the door in my face, or tell me to go to hell. God knows. My husband says that if I am right, then "someone else" is also seeing it, and that I should mind my own business because if I am wrong, and she somehow found out that I was the one who called, then we are opening ourselves up to having problems with them.

I just wish I knew what to do. Maybe a letter in her mailbox that "people" can hear her? I am not the only one on the block who hears it.

I just hate this.

Re: What would you do?

Tape it, videotape her screaming. Then call CPS.

You can go on & hope that these kids will be ok or you can call to make sure they are. I was thinking if you were more friendlier than you are with her. You don't need a project of that proportion or her poor kids influencing yours. You just want to make sure they're safe.

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Re: What would you do?

Do you live next door to my DH's cousin?

I kid you not.

I'll ask my mom what would be a good move. She used to work for CPS.

Re: What would you do?

I would definitely call CPS. Hopefully they will help the mom get into some kind of counseling so she doesn't continue to take her anger and frustration out on her children.

Re: What would you do?

What a sad environment for these children to be living in. I hate to think of the issues these children will probably have due to this level of verbal abuse.

If I could not approach her or her husband to offer support, assistance and let her know that you and others on the block hear her and are concerned, I would have to call CPS. Not only for her children but also for my own children. If you hear her, your children hear her.

Re: What would you do?

There is NO tough call here as far as I'm concerned, CALL CPS. I feel it is your responsibility to do so since you feel there is some sort of abuse going on in their house. And you know what, if there isn't any abuse going on, then CPS will figure that out and then they can continue on with their lives. When you are talking about the safety of children, then you absolutely should listen to your gut. If you're wrong and there's nothing going on, great, but what if you're right?

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Re: What would you do?

Message edited 10/11/2006 5:50:49 PM.

Re: What would you do?

Call CPS. Since you are not mandated to so, you can do so anonymously. It is not for the general public to determine what is or is not abuse. Professionals need to investigate and make that decision. At the very least, maybe her and her DH will realize that she is overwhelmed and she can get some extra support. Better safe than sorry

Re: What would you do?

I would call CPS without a doubt.

Re: What would you do?

Re: What would you do?

Message edited 2/9/2007 4:03:29 PM.

Re: What would you do?

i would call CPS also!