Unjustified Concern?

I'm not even pregnant yet so this is just an unjustified concern at this point.

It may sound selfish, but the more I talk w/ my friends that are mommies I hear it more & more that no matter how much your DH may help w/ the baby, you will feel it is not enough. A number of friends are at their ends w/ hubbies b/c they will feed the baby once or take them to the park & then think they deserve a medal for what they did, when you are doing it 24/7.

I guess I'm just sharing a concern and also asking how you keep from growing resentful.

I also realize a number of husbands do more than their fair share, but we all know a mommy is always on call (day/night, anytime).

Re: Unjustified Concern?

I know I am in the minority here, and I am very lucky.

But my husband is amazing with her, and does (almost) as much as I do.

The differences are in the middle of the night when she wakes, which is EXTREMELY often Is usually all mine. But this is mostly because I wake up and he sleeps through it. But if I wake him and ask him to get up, he does.

The only other thing is that he makes plans without thinking about it, i have to make sure he will be home to watch her or find somebody else.
But really I have no complaints.

So not all husbands are like that- have hope!

Re: Unjustified Concern?

My hubby is also always on cal. Its only been two months but I want to say that I look at my hubby in a new light now. I see him as a father and just about everything takes a back seat to his son now. I hold NOOO resentment towards him.

Re: Unjustified Concern?

Hmmmm..how do I keep from becoming resentful?

Now that they're older my husband does help out a lot. A few years ago the pressure was on me. There was no question which of us was getting up in the middle of the night. The last thing I wanted was my husband tired & not alert on the job (he's an electrician - it's too dangerous). I had a clingy baby who only wanted Mommy, which alternatively I hated & loved.
At one point my only "me" time was getting my hair cut & colored. It was a 2 hour process. The day I pulled over in a high school parking lot to read a book & take a nap was the final straw. Once in awhile, you need to hand your husband the baby, go out and NOT FEEL GUILTY. I realize this is easier said than done, but it will save you. Not only will it make you a lot less resentful, it will make you a better mother. Coming home renewed is the best thing for your relationship & ultimately your family.

If that doesn't work, snickering while you think "the baby loves me more than you." also helps.

Message edited 9/5/2006 8:48:03 AM.

Re: Unjustified Concern?

I think a lot of times new mommies get frustrated with daddy because they take on superhumanmommy role... I know I did. My husband was certainly capable, able and willing to pitch in just as much, if not more than I, but my maternal instincts kicked in when my daughter was born, and I just took control over everything. Part of the solution is learning how to let go and trust hubby... as Barbara said, there are times that you just have to relinquish, plop baby in daddy's lap and tell him you need a break. All too often I find myself taking on wayyyyyyy too much and when I am THIS close to reaching my breaking point, I go over to DH, tell him I need a break, hand over Alex and do my own thing... I did that this weekend So, I think the concern has just as much to do with your own instincts and issues with control as with DH's ability to contribute... it's a balancing act

Re: Unjustified Concern?

It doesn't happen with everyone. I know my dd is only a couple of weeks old but DH helps out a lot. I EBM so he can take feedings in the middle of the night which he does. This past Saturday and Sunday, he took 2 out of the 3 feeding so I could sleep. He will take her after I'm done feeding so I can go back to bed as well. He changes her, plays with her, holds her, etc. Plus, he is always asking what he can do around the house. He doesn't do some housework like I do, but he is will to help.

I know I made a very conscious effort not to become the "Mommy who does it all and does it the right way." Daddy has his way of doing things and it's just as good as mine. I never wanted DH to feel like he had to do it my way or it was wrong. I think that helps a lot too.

Re: Unjustified Concern?

I think what keeps me from becoming resentful is 2 things: appreciating what he does do, and making it clear what I need from him in advanced.

When I first went back to work, it was a big adjustment for me. Whiel I was home, I took care of the baby and the house. I was the only one getting up at night with her.

Going back to work I felt a little overwhelmed. One day I sat down and wrote DH an e-mail explainign all my feelings calmly and rationally. Not blaming him, but explaining how I felt and offering solutions. DH read the e-mail and told me I had some valid points adn took on more responsiblity around the house. He also takes more responsibility with the baby. He tries and really does a good job. He is giving and lets me have "my" time. And when I see him take care of her, I just fall in love all over again

Re: Unjustified Concern?

I think I am very fortunate. DH helps out alot. Definitely does his fair share. Sure, sometimes it's reluctant and I have to ASK him to help out (which I hate having to ask - you know what needs to be done, get up and do it!) but he really really does alot.

Part of it is up to the mommy. Like others have said on this thread, if you are not willing to relinquish the baby (and control) over to your DH without criticizing him that he's doing it "all wrong", then he won't be as willing to help out. Daddy has to feel like he's appreciated and that his parental instincts are just as right as yours (and they are...well, most of the time) otherwise he'll feel inadequate. If the mom constantly berates him and critcizes him, he won't want to help out and I think that alot of the time that's what happens.

Re: Unjustified Concern?

Message edited 2/8/2007 3:08:52 PM.

Re: Unjustified Concern?

My DH is just as a superdad as I am supermom. He was up with me in the middle of night when I breastfed, he still does get up when she wakes. he had no inclings of changing diapers, helping out, taking her when she is fussy, knowing when i need a break, vice versa. He is truly wonderful.

I never once critized him for not picking out the perfect outfit, mismatching her outfits, not putting her diaper on the way I do, etc. He doesn't do things like mommy, and that's because he is the daddy, and i love him more and more everyday.

In the beginning our relationship was def tested, but we do and will continue to put us and our relationship first. Gianna needs her mommy and daddy and a happy mommy/daddy is more important that a clean house, perfect clothes, and fighting over the "right" way to do things.

This all coming from the biggest perfectionist, type A personality!

Message edited 9/5/2006 12:01:49 PM.