TTC putting a strain on a friendship

I have a friend at work who I am close with. She is pregnant with her 3rd child. It's like she and her husband just LOOK at each other and she gets pregnant.

She constantly asks me questions about my cycles even though I made it clear to her that if I want to talk about it, *I'll* bring it up. We're going on our 6th month of trying and I know that it isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but it still sting a little when she bring it up. She always makes comments like "are you sure you're ovulating?" "you need to just do it every day - you never know when it's going to happen" and others along the same line.

She also makes it a point to tell me the second she hears that a fellow co-worker is pregnant. Right now there are about 6 teachers in our building that are and who knows how many others that are but aren't telling yet. AND she goes on and on about people who have been married for a while and have no kids yet. Wondering what's going on with them - why it's taking so long, etc.

Don't get me wrong, she's a great friend, but I find myself pulling away from her more and more.

Sorry for the rambling, but I just needed to vent.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

oh sweety - YES.... i had a friend who gave me 6 of the top 10 things NOT to say to a person dealing with fertility.

What did i do to stop it? Honestly, I took the bull by the horns and sent her that list. I said - i found this in the doctor's office and sent it to her. It really, really hit home for her.

Let me grab that list for you....maybe it can help...

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

here it is:

1. Just Relax!
2. Stop trying to hard
3. Do you have children?
4. Take a vacation
5. Have a glass of wine
6. Don't think about it so much.
7. Oh too bad, because you'd make a great parent..
8. Why don't you just adopt?
9. You should do what my mother's cousins' friend's daughter did, who got pregnant
10. I know exactly how you feel (from the person with a child).

Well-meaning advice often does not have the result the giver intended it to have. These throwaway lines can pack a heck of a wallop and leave you feeling alternately angry, defeated, frustrated, bemused or just plain cranky. And it's not just the advice, it's the frequency in which you receive it.

The bottom line problem with these often heard bits of advice is that they have the same theme of BLAME and the advice giver doesn't even realize it. The themes of needing to relax, or choosing adoption, or having a glass of wine share the basic assumption that it is YOUR fault because you aren't relaxed enough. The blame game can be internalized and be very damaging. Although there is a mind-body connection associated with relaxation, research does not support the belief that if you 'just relaxed, you'd be pregnant'. Stress and it's impact on the body share a very complicated relationship and 'just relaxing' may simplify this relationship.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

It sounds to me like your friend is uncomfortable. I know that sounds wierd but sometimes when people are uncomfortable they talk about it more then less. I know I did that a few times with a co-worker of mine. (different issue) I just didn't know what to say. You know, I wanted to say something to make her feel better but I didn't know what to say so instead of saying nothing I just kept on talking about it. I felt like saying nothing was rude and not being supportive. Then we spoke, I appologized and explained the above to her and I never brought it up again unless she did.

Maybe you should just tell her again that you're not interested. When she brings up the subject just politely say to her, i'm not interested. She'll get the hint.

I'm sorry. I hope everything works out for you.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by davenjess

here it is:

1. Just Relax!
2. Stop trying to hard
3. Do you have children?
4. Take a vacation
5. Have a glass of wine
6. Don't think about it so much.
7. Oh too bad, because you'd make a great parent..
8. Why don't you just adopt?
9. You should do what my mother's cousins' friend's daughter did, who got pregnant
10. I know exactly how you feel (from the person with a child).

Well-meaning advice often does not have the result the giver intended it to have. These throwaway lines can pack a heck of a wallop and leave you feeling alternately angry, defeated, frustrated, bemused or just plain cranky. And it's not just the advice, it's the frequency in which you receive it.

The bottom line problem with these often heard bits of advice is that they have the same theme of BLAME and the advice giver doesn't even realize it. The themes of needing to relax, or choosing adoption, or having a glass of wine share the basic assumption that it is YOUR fault because you aren't relaxed enough. The blame game can be internalized and be very damaging. Although there is a mind-body connection associated with relaxation, research does not support the belief that if you 'just relaxed, you'd be pregnant'. Stress and it's impact on the body share a very complicated relationship and 'just relaxing' may simplify this relationship.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

I'm so sorry

I have had people say some very terrible things to me since we began TTC - but I try not to let it bother me.

I know that they likely have only the best intentions, and aren't really sure what to say so they rely on these age-old cliches (or worse!)

Seriously - my best friend said, "Do you even really want a baby that badly?"

I try to understand that someone who has not been in this position doesn't know how physically and emotionally draining it is - and I pray that they never will understand!

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by maybeamommy

I'm so sorry

I have had people say some very terrible things to me since we began TTC - but I try not to let it bother me.

I know that they likely have only the best intentions, and aren't really sure what to say so they rely on these age-old cliches (or worse!)

Seriously - my best friend said, "Do you even really want a baby that badly?"

I try to understand that someone who has not been in this position doesn't know how physically and emotionally draining it is - and I pray that they never will understand!

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Thanks ladies. I'm just having a sad day today and this just makes it worse (being that she told me of another pregnant girl this morning).

DH will be away on business this month during O time, so right from the get-go, I know that there's probably no hope for this month.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by RyansMama

Posted by maybeamommy

I'm so sorry

I have had people say some very terrible things to me since we began TTC - but I try not to let it bother me.

I know that they likely have only the best intentions, and aren't really sure what to say so they rely on these age-old cliches (or worse!)

Seriously - my best friend said, "Do you even really want a baby that badly?"

I try to understand that someone who has not been in this position doesn't know how physically and emotionally draining it is - and I pray that they never will understand!

I just started a blog on here and it is about this very thing. Sadly sometimes we just don't know what to say and unless someone points out that your words are hurtful to them you just don't realize. I am sure your friend probably has the best intentions, but just says the wrong things because she hasn't been through it herself.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by davenjess

here it is:

1. Just Relax!
2. Stop trying to hard
3. Do you have children?
4. Take a vacation
5. Have a glass of wine
6. Don't think about it so much.
7. Oh too bad, because you'd make a great parent..
8. Why don't you just adopt?
9. You should do what my mother's cousins' friend's daughter did, who got pregnant
10. I know exactly how you feel (from the person with a child).

Well-meaning advice often does not have the result the giver intended it to have. These throwaway lines can pack a heck of a wallop and leave you feeling alternately angry, defeated, frustrated, bemused or just plain cranky. And it's not just the advice, it's the frequency in which you receive it.

The bottom line problem with these often heard bits of advice is that they have the same theme of BLAME and the advice giver doesn't even realize it. The themes of needing to relax, or choosing adoption, or having a glass of wine share the basic assumption that it is YOUR fault because you aren't relaxed enough. The blame game can be internalized and be very damaging. Although there is a mind-body connection associated with relaxation, research does not support the belief that if you 'just relaxed, you'd be pregnant'. Stress and it's impact on the body share a very complicated relationship and 'just relaxing' may simplify this relationship.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

I have nothing to offer that the PP's haven't said, just wanted to give you some

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by scarletbegonia

Posted by RyansMama

Posted by maybeamommy

I'm so sorry

I have had people say some very terrible things to me since we began TTC - but I try not to let it bother me.

I know that they likely have only the best intentions, and aren't really sure what to say so they rely on these age-old cliches (or worse!)

Seriously - my best friend said, "Do you even really want a baby that badly?"

I try to understand that someone who has not been in this position doesn't know how physically and emotionally draining it is - and I pray that they never will understand!

I just started a blog on here and it is about this very thing. Sadly sometimes we just don't know what to say and unless someone points out that your words are hurtful to them you just don't realize. I am sure your friend probably has the best intentions, but just says the wrong things because she hasn't been through it herself.

I know what you're saying, but in October, I had asked her specifically NOT to bring it up and the past 2 weeks, it's like she's forgotten about that conversation. She's the type of person that would take it offensively if I asked her not to bring it up.

Re: TTC putting a strain on a friendship

Posted by RyansMama



Well that is very selfish of her, I know its a difficult situation, but don't let yourself be continuosly hurt by her just so she doesn't get offended. I totally understand why you feel the way you do and I just want to give you a big it seems like you really need one today.