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krashnburn
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Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
So, the will thread has me thinking cause after we have #2 soon, I'd like to draw one up. But how do you determine who gets the kids if you should both die...and can you specify a split? Like DH's parents are retired and are financially more able to handle 2 kids. But my mom would freak out to know both kids went to them. Would you specify that she gets the kids every other weekend or something like that? Or that she has to work a visitation schedule with the IL's to see them at least X times a month? Not that I think my IL's would ever stiff her, but I know she'd be upset.
ETA: I didn't mean splitting the kids up, I just meant splitting time between guardians.
Message edited 8/19/2010 12:05:24 PM.
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Posted 8/19/10 9:12 AM  |
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Cheeks24
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Cheeks
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I think the question comes down to who you and your DH want the kids with. I don't think it's ever good to split up siblings, especially after the untimely death of their parents. What about a sibling?
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:13 AM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I don't know the answer to the visitation thing, but I can tell you that our lawyer strongly urges his clients not to name grandparents as guardians - for a variety of reasons. The largest being that there is a bigger risk of the kids having to go through another change of guardian before they reach adulthood. Plus the generation gap, that they may need to become caretakers....
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:20 AM |
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nicrae
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I think it is one of the hardest decisions to make. In the event of our death my mom and step-dad would get my children. My mom is very young and would have no problem handling my children. Also my DD is the closest to my mother. I couldn't imagine sending her to live with someone that she didn't really know as well as she knows my mom.
I'm sure my mom would allowed my in-laws to see the kids. It gets complicated because my in-laws live in Minnesota.
My DH is on the exact same page as me.
ETA: I am sure you could stipulate in your will that you mom get visitation rights.
Message edited 8/19/2010 9:25:18 AM.
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:24 AM |
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Erica
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
We have still yet to make this decision.
It's selfish, but because I can't come up with the right answer, I almost just want a judge to do it and I think that he would rule for my sister. So I have to come to terms with that decision.
Message edited 8/19/2010 7:21:05 PM.
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:27 AM |
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Nifheim
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
when my dh's parents both died when he was young no one designated who got him, he had to choose who he would stay with. His very wealthy aunt or his older sister. He picked his sister. It was a very hard choice for him even being young and sometimes he wonders if he would of been better off with someone with great wealth instead of someone who struggled.
Best decision you can make is choose someone who will actually love and care for them and be able to support them and is TRUSTWORTHY. Poor Dh's inheritance was spent since his BIL didn't work for a few years. So he had nothing and had to pay rent and bills at 16 on top of not having any savings left.
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:31 AM |
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Pray4Baby2010
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Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
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MB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
my sister will get our kids.
jmo but I would personally not want to split up my kids if something happened to me and dh- at least they would have each other- to split them up in addition to losing their parents seems like it could be dramatic
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:45 AM |
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DiamondGirl
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
my sister will get our kids.
jmo but I would personally not want to split up my kids if something happened to me and dh- at least they would have each other- to split them up in addition to losing their parents seems like it could be dramatic
ITA. In my case it would be my brother, as DH's sister is 20 yrs old, but I suppose when she is older that might change. Either way the kids would stay together.
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:57 AM |
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Goldi0218
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I'd NEVER post this answer in a public forum. It would be like opening a Pandora's box. This is a VERY private matter to us.
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| Posted 8/19/10 9:58 AM |
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PrettyPeonies
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Pino
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I dont have any children yet and maybe I'm a little unqualified to answer but my feelings at this point are that I would never split up the kids. I think in the wake of the trauma of losing both your parents, it would benefit a child to be kept w/his or hers sibling(s). A family solid structure will be needed to help them grieve and not feel so alone in their grief.
In my personal family, I think I would give them to my sister. She has three of her own and I dont exactly LOVE all her parenting choices but that doesn't mean she is wrong. The IL's are wonderful ppl but are in no shape or form to have young children thrown on their plates. I do know they would be a very active role in the kids lives. I don't have a mother & my dad & step-mom although are wonderful ppl are too self involved and much like the ILs, they are so past the parenting stage and prob wouldn't be able to handle young kid(s). I also feel that my dad & step-mom would take an active role in the kids lives....or at least work them around their golf games 
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| Posted 8/19/10 10:00 AM |
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CrankyPants
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Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Kids would go to my inlaws. Or actually, my MIL (if MIL is no longer alive, they go to someone else-not my FIL, we do not think he could handle it alone, nor would he want to!).
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| Posted 8/19/10 10:17 AM |
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LemonHead
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
One of my siblings was named guardian in our will.
I'm sure you could stipulate visitation in your will. The lawyer contacts the people you name as guardian (to make sure they will agree to do it if necessary), so that's something you could talk about with them at that point.
Message edited 8/19/2010 10:17:30 AM.
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| Posted 8/19/10 10:17 AM |
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annoyedTTCer
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
We picked a nonfamily member with strong ties to our area of LI so I know my folks would still see Logan regularly.
His folks and brother live in Scotland so that wasn't an option I was happy with. His sister is a flake and lives in Cali, she's a no go
Message edited 8/19/2010 10:33:30 AM.
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| Posted 8/19/10 10:33 AM |
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headoverheels
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Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
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LB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
We don't have a will but I agree with what Cathy said - we will not be naming any of the grandparents as guardians.
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| Posted 8/19/10 10:41 AM |
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Jonsgirl04
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
It scares me to even have to think about this...not wanting to hurt others feelings..It would be either my brother or my SIL...but i love them both so much it would be hard to pick one!
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| Posted 8/19/10 11:32 AM |
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krashnburn
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Member since 5/05 4093 total posts
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Sorry, when I said split, I didnt' mean split the kids up, I meant split the time between grandparents.
Thanks everyone for the opinions. I know it's different for each person's situation, and still a hard decision no matter what.
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| Posted 8/19/10 11:56 AM |
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DancinBarefoot
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
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| Posted 8/19/10 12:29 PM |
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ali120206
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
That's very interesting - I never realized that.
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| Posted 8/19/10 12:44 PM |
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headoverheels
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LB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
Totally true.
It is also true that if my mother or MIL ever did this I would come back from the dead and haunt them unless there was a good reason to contest our choice of guardian!
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| Posted 8/19/10 12:44 PM |
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Pray4Baby2010
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Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
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MB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
wow I didnt realize that- that's actually completely ridiculous! who is a court to say who my kids should be with 
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| Posted 8/19/10 1:24 PM |
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eddiesmommy
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
my sister and her DH would get Eddie in the event something happened to DH and I. I do not have a strict legally binding visitation schedule in our will bc DS will be a part of their family, and as a family, they have plans of their own and I dont want to impose on them.
HOWEVER, I know my sister would never not let my DS see his grandparents or not work out him being with them for Christmas, whether its the day of or Christmas eve. Its just not something I worry about with her, bc I know she wants whats best for Eddie and would never take him away from his other family. This is part of the reason I chose her. I dont trust anyone more than I do my sister to do what is right for my son.
But a visitation, no, thats too much of an imposition on their life as a family.
ETA: as for others filing petition.....luckily, I know no one on either side of my family would EVER EVER do that, thank goodness.
Message edited 8/19/2010 1:47:06 PM.
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| Posted 8/19/10 1:46 PM |
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Goldi0218
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Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
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Leslie
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
wow I didnt realize that- that's actually completely ridiculous! who is a court to say who my kids should be with
100% true. My sister (who happens to be my attorney) told me the exact same thing.
Oh and you would be very surprised who the courts hand children over to. I've had students handed over to blood relatives over foster parents only to have the child make an accusation of child abuse and WHAM-O! An ACS case is open. The courts CLEARLY do not always act in the best interest of children. You canNOT count on them regardless of who you decide upon as guardians.
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| Posted 8/19/10 1:59 PM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
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LB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by Goldi0218
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
wow I didnt realize that- that's actually completely ridiculous! who is a court to say who my kids should be with
100% true. My sister (who happens to be my attorney) told me the exact same thing.
Oh and you would be very surprised who the courts hand children over to. I've had students handed over to blood relatives over foster parents only to have the child make an accusation of child abuse and WHAM-O! An ACS case is open. The courts CLEARLY do not always act in the best interest of children. You canNOT count on them regardless of who you decide upon as guardians.
The Courts work with the information they are given - the system isn't perfect, but these judges are muddling through a lot of lies, stories and misinformation and trying to get to the bottom of things when all they really have to go on is a lot of "he said/she said." It stinks but I would say that 99% of the time, these decisions are made in the best interests of the children, who often have no voice of their own.
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| Posted 8/19/10 2:16 PM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
wow I didnt realize that- that's actually completely ridiculous! who is a court to say who my kids should be with
To address this point, what if you gave custodianship of your kids to your sister, who then had a nervous breakdown and started using drugs? Would you want the Court to stay out of it then? (Obviously I have NO idea whether you have a sister or not, just stating an example based on prior experience.)
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| Posted 8/19/10 2:18 PM |
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DancinBarefoot
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Re: Spinoff to writing a will: Who gets the kids?
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by DancinBarefoot
I hate to throw a monkey wrench in everyone's plans - but - in New York at least, just because you write Mary Jones gets custody of my kids in your will, doesn't mean Jane Smith can't come along and file a petition with the court to get the kids (and win).
A will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children. It will only be used as evidence as to your wishes should somebody protest.
wow I didnt realize that- that's actually completely ridiculous! who is a court to say who my kids should be with
The court is supposed to do what is "in the best interest of the children" and if Jane Smith 'proves' Mary Jones isn't fit (or capable or whatever), the court can override your written wishes contained in your will. Like I said - a Will is designed to determine what happens to your assets upon death - not your children.
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| Posted 8/19/10 2:21 PM |
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