Spin off.. compulsive liars

now being parents.. do you think this is something we need to look for early on with kids...

My brother in law is a full blown CPLiar.. the stories he comes out with are OUT OF CONTROL...

I have also had a friend first hand lie so much I had to cut her off..


do you think this process starts as a child and can be corrected?

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Without knowing too much about it from a behavioral/psychological standpoint...

I do feel that at least some of it comes from learned behavior...like if there are no consequences and someone sees they can get away with it - that it works to their advantage and they benefit from it - that reinforces the behavior time and time again.

That's why I am big on the whole "consequences for your actions" and I do live by that. So does my DH which was a quality I was looking for him my husband...I want very much to pass this to Lucas. I won't tolerate anything less in this department - honesty and reponsibility are big.

But talk is cheap...I know we have to practice what we preach...I do believe that is where they really learn to accept it as their own value.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Ang, do you think lying is a learned trait?

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Lying is absolutely a learned trait. Small children don't know how to lie (like 2 years old and younger).

I know someone who tends to be a compulsive liar. It started when she was small.. elementary school I think. She wasn't getting the attention she needed at home and so she started telling stories. It became a life long habit though. She always likes about stupid things. I really think it comes from insecurity.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Message edited 6/24/2008 3:44:07 PM.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Man if its hereditary that sux....you said your BIL is one and you dont like your MIL much either. You might have to take FULL CONTROL now....LOL

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

My dad is hugely against lying and instilled it in us to tell the truth always.....

To me, it's all about how you are rasied....

If you are raised in a family where you can get away with things and push the limits, then lying will come more naturally....
If your parents are big into morals and doing the "right" thing, then you will likely be less of a liar....

To me it's learned, but lying is also a byproduct of the way a child is raised......

Message edited 6/24/2008 3:46:54 PM.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

This is a really tough question because it is important to be able to identify LYING from STORYTELLING with kids.

I value storytelling. I think imagination and creativity are beautiful and integral. I also know that children often tell stories as a means of rationalizing and reasoning with the world around them. If you listen to the fantastical stories your child tells - they are usually spilling their secrets too. You can hear what they are afraid of and what they love and what they are craving while they weave their tales. So when Noah comes home and tells me that he met the Hulk at Home Depot... I listen and I hang on every word. I encourage more detail even. We sometimes will write a book or paint a picture to go with the story. And I never say "You are lying" and dismiss or punish them for a story.

I dislike LIES. Lies are a base form of manipulation. Children often lie to avoid punishment, to get something they want or - sometimes - to see if they can get away with it. Lies are different by their nature. And they are SO hard to deal with. I never want my kids to think I don't have trust in them or faith in their words.. but I also KNOW when they are flat out lying. So - if I hear a lie I try to reason it out with them. For example: Noah tells me that he didn't leave an ice cream wrapper on the floor - when he is the ONLY one who had an ice cream. I will ask questions.. Do you know who DID leave the wrapper there? You had ice cream earlier, didn't you? And I try to give them a way out that won't let them lose their dignity - for example: "Noah - I know Robbie didn't have ice cream. And neither did Daddy or Mommy. In fact we just figured out that you are the only one who had that kind of treat today.. maybe you just FORGOT that you left it there?" That will usually prompt them to 'fess up.

But sometimes I don't catch them - even know I KNOW they are not telling the truth. If they get caught then they are punished by having a favorite privilege taken away. But I never tell them they are liars. I never accuse them. If I can't absolutely have a way to show that they are telling a lie, I just let it go and then later we will have a talk about the value of honesty and how it is ALWAYS better to tell the truth without actually mentioning the earlier incident. I let them stew.

My kids are basically honest. They have their moments - but they know truth and it's value and the older they get the more they understand it. I think the best thing we can do as parents is to continue to teach them by example. If your wrong - admit it. And don't lie to them. Be honest - even when it isn't convenient. They will learn more from your behavior than from any amount of punishment.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

I do think its something you have to watch for early.
For example, I know a child that spoke very well, very early. And as a young child he made up stories. It was cute. You would ask what he did today and he would have this long story, that was totally possible and then you would look at his dad and he would be like, no, we didn't do any of that. So when he was 2-4 it was cute and he got attention for his imagination and story telling.

now however at 7 I personally think he is now thinking making up stories is okay and it gets me attention from my younger siblings. But now its really lying. And sometimes it harmless but other times IMO I think the lies should be "nipped in the bud"

So although I think you want to encourage imagination, I think there comes a time when you need to explain the difference between lying and storytelling. And I think if we dont teach this to our children we can't expect them to learn it elsewhere

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

There is a compulsive liar in my life. Yes, I think we need to watch out for it early. I wlll not tolerate even the little innocent lies. The compulsive liar that I know sometimes lies about things where the truth would have been fine. Also, it seems that compulsive liars are not even good at it. Everyone has faults but lying is an intentional thing and I hate it.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

This is a good example of nature and nurture. We all have it in us to lie.

But if we are taught to lie more, then it comes from our environment.

We can be taught to lie by parents - like to avoid punishment. As a child of a bipolar mother, she lied all the time, so the behavior was modeled. As a means of survival, I learned to lie all the time to her to save my a s s, unfortunately.

It was when I was out of that environement where I learned I didn't need that behavior to survive, so the behavior atrophied because it was no longer needed.

sure, I white lie.... everyone does to prevent hurting feelings, but compulsive lying is both a learned behavior and a maintained behavior. But there can be underlying psychological issues that also need to be looked at....

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

I had a friend in HS that my mother warned me about. My answer was always "Mom, leave me alone *I* can choose my friends"...OK by senior year I was like "Uh Oh, I think mom is right". This girl lied about quite a lot. Very strange. I didn't know her in elementary or JHS, don't know if she started lying as a child, but, by HS I didn't know whether she was telling the truth or not.
Once we graduated, I basically cut her off. Couldn't really stand her anymore.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

I have a confession- as a child I was a HUGE liar- I loved making up stories- one for example was about a dime that I had that looked really old. I remember telling classmates that it was over a hundred years old and worth a lot of money. That was just one- I told tales all the time, mostly for my own entertainment since I was a hugely imaginative thinker. I was not ignored at home and had many friends. I did it for attention but mostly for fun.

I outgrew it about 7th grade since by then the kids figured out I was full of it! Before that I could get away with it pretty easily, I even had parents fooled.

But I did have consequences, since it was tough in 7th grade when kids realized I told stories and that was when I became VERY honest. Probably to a fault now!

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

I perhaps have one of the best first hand experiences going on in my house..I have a set of identical twins...both have grown up together and both receive the same amount of attention..I have instilled the same values in them. Told them the same stories....

One gets it..the other one doesnt..Lexi will lie while Jaedyn will tell the truth...I caught Jaedyn lying to me, she got caught, didnt like the consequences and learned it's easier to simply tell the truth...Lexi has gotten caught numerous times, doesnt like the consequences, yet she continues to look me in the face and lie...

The personality traits have been there since the very beginning. While they have always been very social, extroverted children, Jaedyn isnt an attention seeker while Lexi is. Jaedyn is more responsible while Lexi is basically a total flake...They both have a ton of friends and are leaders amoung their peers..Lexi prefers to get by on her cuteness while Jaedyn prefers to be known for her love of animals..

Here they are with identical DNA. Both raised the same...and yet they have these very different personalities...

Basically what Im saying is that while we can try and teach our children good values and what it means to be a responsible adult that doesnt always mean that is going to happen. Ive known plenty of people who have grown up with the perfect parents and have gotten completely screwed up...and some of the nicest people I know come from broken homes..

So while I think that lying can be taught I believe that it can also be something that goes deeper than that...Oh please tell me this all makes sense to someone..

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

I think young children will lie at some point and to some degree. Classic lie--"what are you eating?" "Nothing," as potato chip crumbs fall out of the child's mouth. Lies are easy to spot with young kids though, and I agree with other posters, there should be some repercussions. If there are not, they will just keep doing it.

Re: Spin off.. compulsive liars

Posted by CkGm

I have a confession- as a child I was a HUGE liar- I loved making up stories- one for example was about a dime that I had that looked really old. I remember telling classmates that it was over a hundred years old and worth a lot of money. That was just one- I told tales all the time, mostly for my own entertainment since I was a hugely imaginative thinker. I was not ignored at home and had many friends. I did it for attention but mostly for fun.

I outgrew it about 7th grade since by then the kids figured out I was full of it! Before that I could get away with it pretty easily, I even had parents fooled.

But I did have consequences, since it was tough in 7th grade when kids realized I told stories and that was when I became VERY honest. Probably to a fault now!