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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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So it started
Do I get a present for going through a miscarriage?
How come DH isn't thinking of this? Should I go out and get myself something?
I think I will. This sucks enough.
I'm having a rough day today. Everything hurts.
Thanks for letting me have my pity party.
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Posted 7/15/09 8:24 AM  |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry Susan - I just read your updates  I wouldn't wish an m/c on my worst enemy - it's such a horrible experience, and YES, you really do deserve some major doting right now. WHen I went through mine, my DH made me a hot fudge sundae every night while I was still bleeding.
And on an entirely different topic... I was told by my ob/gyn at the time that you are particularly fertile immediately after an m/c - this is how I conceived my daughter. It's absolutely amazing that you conceived this round on your own, and it gives SO much hope - I would really consider giving it another good try on your own, after the bleeding stops, to try for another natural miracle 
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:29 AM |
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IrishLasss334
I'll be there soon!
Member since 1/08 6549 total posts
Name:
Patty
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Re: So it started
I don't know if DH would want to buy you a present..when I had my first m/c, I stopped on the way home from work and bought myself and IPOD. When DH got home, I told him and he said, I would've never bought you anything because I wouldn't think you would want to be reminded of the m/c from an object.
Made sense to me after the fact.
I'm sorry, I don't know if you have had a m/c before, but honestly, my DH didn't know what to do for me, even after my 3rd one..he tried,don't get me wrong, but it was more in doing things around the house, holding me, watching a movie with me, taking me out to dinner kind of thing. He just never felt like anything he could do or say would make it better. Truthfully, he was right.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:34 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: So it started
Thanks Beth, I totally will try again naturally. DH and I are on the same page with that.
I just think since I'm going about my business and carrying on he's not realizing how much it hurts.
I have to carry on. There's no alternative right?
Maybe I need to sit him down and tell him how much it's hurting me. I guess I thought he knew.
Meanwhile he needed a present and I ran out and got him a gps.
I'm very nice.
Message edited 7/15/2009 8:37:39 AM.
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:36 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: So it started
Posted by Blu-ize
Thanks Beth, I totally will try again naturally. DH and I are on the same page with that.
I just think since I'm going about my business and carrying on he's not realizing how much it hurts.
I have to carry on. There's no alternative right?
Maybe I need to sit him down and tell him how much it's hurting me. I guess I thought he knew.
Meanwhile he needed a present and I ran out and got him a gps.
I'm very nice.
The one thing I REALLY learned in my whole battle with infertility was that I didn't have to be superwoman, and that it helped me, and it really helped my relationship to open up to DH, cry, vent and just let him know exactly how I was feeling. Yes, you have to carry on - this is how we survive, but at the same time, you can't carry the emotional baggage all by yourself while carrying on - let him in on it, and it will make you feel better, and will bring the two of you closer. He doesn't have to do anything but UNDERSTAND how much your gut is hurting right now, and be there with you in little ways, with hugs, attention, and hot fudge sundaes
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:40 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: So it started
Posted by IrishLass
I don't know if DH would want to buy you a present..when I had my first m/c, I stopped on the way home from work and bought myself and IPOD. When DH got home, I told him and he said, I would've never bought you anything because I wouldn't think you would want to be reminded of the m/c from an object.
Made sense to me after the fact.
I'm sorry, I don't know if you have had a m/c before, but honestly, my DH didn't know what to do for me, even after my 3rd one..he tried,don't get me wrong, but it was more in doing things around the house, holding me, watching a movie with me, taking me out to dinner kind of thing. He just never felt like anything he could do or say would make it better. Truthfully, he was right.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree about a physical object. I guess I was looking for some sort of extra attention or understanding.
It seems to be sort of there but not fulfilling my expectations. maybe my expectations are too high. I really don't know what I expect.
When we found out about the pregnancy, we kept is so quiet. We barely talked about it since we wanted to wait for the hb to get excited. We didn't celebrate..didn't even talk about it.
Now that it didn't work out, I wish I celebrated and did something special.
eta: after we found out for sure that it wasn't viable we drove home and went out for a steak dinner that was very nice. We pigged out and I had two martinis. That was nice, but then it seemed that after that, it was business as usual. Well, it's not. Not by a long shot!
Message edited 7/15/2009 8:44:16 AM.
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:41 AM |
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CAH127
LIF Adult
Member since 7/07 1694 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I will keep you in my thoughts.
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:43 AM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry about all this Susan
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| Posted 7/15/09 8:46 AM |
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maybeamommy
Blessed beyond belief
Member since 10/07 17048 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry
I think it can be tough for DHs to know what to say and how to act in these situations.
After we lost one of our twins, he made me a big ice cream sundae and asked how i wanted to handle things... I told him that I didn't really want to discuss it, but that when i did, i'd come to him.
I think it's good to make your needs/wants known so that he doesn't inadvertently disappoint you because he doesn't know your expectations - KWIM?
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| Posted 7/15/09 9:12 AM |
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tj2008
LIF Adult
Member since 3/08 1000 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
and 
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| Posted 7/15/09 9:13 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry Susan
My DH "dealt" with it in his own way, and while in the midst of it, it pizzed me off to no end because I felt he wasn't there for me. His way of dealing with it was to ignore it, he didn't understand that I had a constant reminder of it everytime I went to the bathroom or was doubled over with cramps.
I know the DHs hurt to, but in a different way than us. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better, and if that means buying yourself a present, so be it!
We went to a dinner party the night it started for me (I couldn't sit in the house anymore, as I sat there for a week waiting for it to happen), and I drank a bottle of wine....totally made me feel better for the moment.
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| Posted 7/15/09 9:13 AM |
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WNA01
my 2 boys
Member since 10/08 4240 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
I am so so sorrysorry for your loss . 
When we got pregnant the first time dh and i were super excited and talked constantely about it. After we mc we spoke about that all the time, it consumed me and just got me more and more depressed. I even wanted to plant a tree or something but he absolutly refused saying that will always remind me of my mc. Honestly, I am glad I never did that. To some that may give them closure and peace but to me afterwards I would always look at that tree and remind me why it was planted.
The second time we got pregnant we never even discussed the pregnancy at all. After we mc he told me to pick a night where all i could do is talk about it but thats after that night thats it. It was hard at first bc thats all i wanted to talk about it but i reliezed after a few days i felt better and didnt revolve my world around it. I felt like that healed me sooner.
I knew it hurt him as much as it hurt me but he learned to deal with it and get me thru it just like i know it hurts ur dh but hes being strong for u.
He probally wants to show u to continue with life and not have this consume u bc it can easily and entirely consume u. If u feel u need to talk about it, speak about it but dont constantly discuss it.
Again i am so so sorry u are going thru this.
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| Posted 7/15/09 9:18 AM |
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karenk71
Love
Member since 6/06 1547 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: So it started
Susan I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I've never had a mc but my heart is breaking for you.
I'm sure DH is trying his best...I know my DH deals with the whole IF issue in his own way. Sometimes I wish he would ask me more about how I'm doing...if I'm feeling OK, how I'm coping...
Do something special for yourself and maybe remind DH that you need a little pampering right now.
I'm thinking of you.
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| Posted 7/15/09 9:39 AM |
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sasha96
lovin' my 2 little ladies!
Member since 5/05 7401 total posts
Name:
Julianne
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Re: So it started
I know the pain and the struggle too, each in our own way and with each loss. I'm not sure it ever leaves us, but it changes and changes us. For me, 6 months after my m/c I saw a Dogeared necklace with a lotus flower. The symbolism meant something to me and I was ready to have something to hold onto for that DC that was with me for such a short few weeks. Now that I have DD, I like having the necklace as a reminder of the angel she has watching over her. OK, now I'm crying...
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| Posted 7/15/09 10:02 AM |
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LIBOUND
Texting king
Member since 10/05 5289 total posts
Name:
Suzy
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Re: So it started
I'm so, so sorry.
I say do whatever gets you thru the day. If you want to go out and get yourself something, do it.
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| Posted 7/15/09 10:03 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: So it started
I guess the physical "present" is just symbolic. Just to acknowledge how hard this is.
I was doing just fine. After last night my feelings changed. I'm a bit of a mess today.
I know that I will have to go through the grieving process. So many others have before me. I know I'm not alone unfortunately.
Tomorrow will be better.
Knowing that I'm not alone here makes me feel better. You guys are so great. I wish you all healthy children soon.
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| Posted 7/15/09 10:13 AM |
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jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry
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| Posted 7/15/09 10:20 AM |
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: So it started
i am so sorry again.. it is just an awful experience
after both of my losses, my DH bought me something.. but if he didnt, i would have gone out and got something for myself anyway. it does help , and that little bit of distraction is nice.
I know it will get better for you, you will get there!! the beginning is hard, but you have alot of support behind you, so anytime you feel down, or sad.. please dont hesitate!! we are here for you!
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| Posted 7/15/09 10:55 AM |
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missingbunn
LIF Infant
Member since 11/08 295 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
I am so so sorry for your loss. It's the worst.
DH did laundry for me and made many many trips to the store for whatever I wanted. Just knowing that he was willing to do whatever meant the world to me.
We also booked a trip for a few months out. We did this after a few weeks. We didn't want the trip to be because we lost our baby, but more as a way to have something to look forward to.
Many for you!
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| Posted 7/15/09 4:30 PM |
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Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
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Re: So it started
Im sorry about the loss. Sadly I have been there twice. The first time, I knew it was coming and DH and were actually fortunate enough to be away for the weekend and had each other to lean on. The second time, I had to deal with the daily doldrums of life as if everything were poops and giggles. Being away was helpful. DH was attentive, but let me be when I wanted to be.
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| Posted 7/15/09 4:36 PM |
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KrisT
Two Boys for Me!!
Member since 1/07 5213 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: So it started
I'm so sorry Going through a m/c and then losing one of our twins were the most difficult things I have ever went through.
DH never bought me anything, but tried really hard to be supportive. Like others have said, it is very hard because we all handle these things differently.
I bought myself a bunch of clothes after the first loss. Shopping is very therapuetic for me and buying new clothes made me feel better.
I also have been wanting to buy myself some sort of jewelry to remember my 2 losses but have not found anything I liked.
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| Posted 7/15/09 4:38 PM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: So it started
I had a pretty bad night last night. Very heavy flow and I think the worst has passed.
DH and I had a fight (I knew that was coming) and it stemmed from him not really knowing where my head was.
As much as it's painful for him he doesn't have the reminder every time he goes to the bathroom.
Last night I he had to run out and get me overnight pads. I have never used them before and I think he was a bit scared.
I'm so incredibly sad. I was fine until I bled.
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| Posted 7/16/09 9:36 AM |
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KrisT
Two Boys for Me!!
Member since 1/07 5213 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: So it started
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| Posted 7/16/09 9:42 AM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: So it started
Posted by Blu-ize
I had a pretty bad night last night. Very heavy flow and I think the worst has passed.
DH and I had a fight (I knew that was coming) and it stemmed from him not really knowing where my head was.
As much as it's painful for him he doesn't have the reminder every time he goes to the bathroom.
Last night I he had to run out and get me overnight pads. I have never used them before and I think he was a bit scared.
I'm so incredibly sad. I was fine until I bled.
Awww Susan I'm so so sorry about all this and I'm so sorry you had a bad night last night. Having been there twice myself I understand the heartache this experience brings. But I promise you as cliche as it sounds it will get better with time.
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| Posted 7/16/09 9:43 AM |
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Makin-da-baby
Praying so hard this is it!!!
Member since 4/08 1391 total posts
Name:
Undercover Lover
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Re: So it started
Your post just breaks my heart I am so sorry you are going through this
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| Posted 7/16/09 9:59 AM |
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