Small update

I realize I haven't been updating since going off the pill. For whatever reason, I just haven't had the emotional stamina to fully invest myself in the next cycle. Since the loss, each failed cycle has been so devastating and especially now that my original due date is in 10 days, I feel like I'm afraid to get too excited this time around.

Anyway, I went to Dr.B for monitoring today and there's nothing exciting going on so we're increasing gonal and I go back Monday. IUIs will probably be next week.

I'm cautiously trying to get excited about this cycle, but I know better than to get fully invested in it

Re: Small update

Ahhhhh finding the balance-- so hard. "Cautiously Optimistic" is what I shoot for, but as you know, emotions change by the moment. I think sometimes I put too much effort into *howwww* I am suppose to be feeling, that it stresses me out even more. If you can understand that!?! So I try to let myself just *be*, because it will all work out in the end, and if it doesn't, its not the end! Like how I steal quotes? But in all honesty, we really can only take it day by day.

How much gonal are you on ???

and

Re: Small update

Uuggh...IF can really mess with your mind sometimes. I'm sending you lots and lots of and .

I was also hoping to be pregnant by my due date which just passed. It was really tough. I cans relate to not becoming emotionally invested in cycles anymore. I feel like sometimes I am just going though motions (shots, monitoring appts, blood work, etc.) and don't want to get my hopes up.

I really hope this cycle brings you your take home baby.

Re: Small update

I can relate to both of what you said (and Kelly, I see you're a Giuliana and Bill fan )

I definitely feel like I'm just going through the motions... all this waiting... but then I remind myself that even when I'm pregnant, the waiting won't end. I got to 17wks last time relatively carefree. I have a feeling it won't be the same next time around (with being carefree, since we had the loss last time) so I better get used to the waiting and uncertainty and impatience as if I'm not used to it already!

Oh- and was on 150 of gonal every other night last week, but now 225 through the weekend.

Message edited 1/8/2011 11:15:55 PM.

Re: Small update

Hang in there
Even though we have different situations I totally understand what you are saying, it's like I can't get excited, like the only thing my body knows is worry, waiting, upset etc. It's like our coping mechanism to hopefully lessen the blow if something bad happens.

Re: Small update

Re: Small update

just wanted to give you even though our situations are different, i can completely relate to not wanting to be excited and have hope....but, i have faith that you will get your BFP and healthy pregnancy soon! we all will hang in there

Re: Small update

I truly hope this is it for you!!

Re: Small update

Ugh...so difficult...hoping this is it for you!~

Re: Small update

I pray this is it for you..you really deserve it!

Re: Small update

I think it's so normal for you to feel a little removed this time around. You are approaching a significant date and feeling discouraged, so it's emotionally easier not to get too invested.

All I can tell you is to let yourself feel however it is that you're feeling, or not feeling, and never think that you're "supposed to be" feeling something else. This is such a roller-coaster ride.

I really hope Dr. B sees some nice follies on Monday and that this is it for you.

Re: Small update

Oh Penny!

I had 6 losses until this one. It was so hard to stay focused or get excited due to the past and the losses. You never really let go of the devastation, or, are able to enjoy the pregnancy until you know it's a healthy baby. Well, for me, that'll be when this baby is in my arms.
I finally got excited @ 34 weeks and freak out every time I don't feel the baby for a hour.

What you're feeling is totally normal. For me, I just had to block out the past sometimes, b/c I wanted this baby so badly! I didn't want my depression of the loss, especially my trisomy 18 baby which we terminated, influence any emotions.

I wish for you to do the same and for your BFP to come very soon with a healthy baby!!!!

Re: Small update

It's really hard to hope each cycle and then get disappointed when it doesn't. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you get your BFP this cycle. I've been thinking of you lately, knowing it's getting closer and closer to your DD. Just know we are all here for you. Your strength through this extremely difficult journey is amazing!

Re: Small update

Oh PennyCat


I'm so sorry your are going through all this and that you've had to face so much disappointment and pain throughout your IF journey. I cannot even imagine the pain you have gone through with your loss but I really hope that you have some very exciting news to share with us soon!

I also want to add that I always find it amazing how different our bodies respond with every cycle and how the dosage and combinations of medications has to constantly keep changing.

Can't wait to hear your big announcement again very soon!

Re: Small update

Re: Small update

I wish you luck this cycle!

After my first m/c I conceived my just as my due date passed and felt a lot of relief in that. This time, I am having more trouble and see my due date approaching and feel very scared and sad too. It's so hard to not be able to conceive. I hope this is the cycle for you!!

Re: Small update

Thanks everyone, I just hope this is it ... not much more to say than that.

I am so ready for this miserable chapter to end! I am trying SO HARD to be positive and convince myself that in just a few weeks I could be celebrating, but with all the sadness I've had to endure between the loss and failed cycles, I feel like a miracle is serial right now. I just hope the next few weeks go by smoothly and end with the chapter I've been waiting for!

Re: Small update

I am crossing my fingers this is it for yo!!