SIL trouble... what to do

My SIL is very depressed. She came to the US a few years ago- so her mom and sisters are here. Just DH and my family.

She has had it hard lately- she was in Mississippi and got evacuated by Katrina. Her plan was to come here anyway- but not on teh verge of a natural disaster. She came to NY and is not getting along with her roomie- and suspects she is paying ALL the rent. She hasn't been able to find a job here and has no real friends here.

I am very worried about her. My neice's naming is tomorrow and she doesnt' want to come because she is so depressed and feels embarassed to tell peopel she has no job. We have barely seen her since she came to NY. I have been trying to call her but she won't answer. I just got a text message from her that she is not ready to talk to anyone and its her, not me.

I am really worried. I texted her back sayign that the I am really worried and the more she stays alone, the more alone she will feel and that she should be with people who love her- my, DH adn my family (who really care about her and she has always said what a nice family I have and how wonderful everyone is).

A part of me wants to respect her wishes and leave her alone, but a bigger part of me wants to drive to her apartment and knock on the door until she lets me in. I don't think she should be alone all the time. She has no friends here and she won't even be with her family! I'm so worried.

What do you think?

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I don't know what advice to give but I wouldnt leave her alone.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I don;t think I'd leave her alone either. I really dont know what else..
I send many 's your way!

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

wow i relocated and it is hard , i cryed for months. She has been through alot she probablly just needs time. I understand what u r saying about wanting to go over i would be the same way. that is a tough call........good luck to you and your sil, i hope things get better for her

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Message edited 12/27/2006 8:03:02 PM.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I would definately go over there.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I would be worried about her too. Maybe you don't have to go over there right this minute but I would definitely try to see her more often even if it does mean you have to knock on her door until she lets you in.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

If the options are to leave her alone or knock on her door - I'd say knock. Being in an apartment with a roommate you don't get alone with is bad enough. So stopping by won't make her feel so alone. Give her a pass on the baby naming, but then text her that you're stopping by afterwards.

What is her skill set? What kinds of job is she looking for? If she can't find a job, I would tell hIf you FM me with her resume, I can try passing it around our division.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Sorry to hear she is so upset!!! Maybe if you knock til she lets you in and you can get her to talk and get it all out she might feel better. Bottling it up is doing her no good!!! Maybe she needs a good shoulder to cry on for a while and that will make her feel better and give her the boost she needs. Sorry if not much help!! to you and her!!

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Shelly, I'd go over there!

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I would probably go over there as well and explain the same things to her that u said u told her in the emails. I dont know what your situation is but could she maybe move out to the island and stay a few weeks? or at least be closer to the both of u and get an apt here? I wouldnt leave her alone. Shes new here and she doesnt have anyone. Thats scary.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

I would go over there. It definitely doesn't sound like she should be alone. What does your DH think about the situation?

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

She definitely has been through a lot. I'd definitely be there for support even though she might think she does not need it or want it. I'd go over and talk to her. And maybe you can invite her for dinner over at your home even if it just you and your DH and she will start taking small baby steps to get together with others. Moving takes adjustment....moving because of a natural disaster......takes even more adjustment...and if she's having problems with her roommate..it's likely she needs all the help she can get.
Stop by and show her how much you care. Sometimes just being there and provide an ear to listen and support makes a lot of difference....just stopping by will probably mean awhole lot to her.
Good luck with everything!!!

Message edited 11/12/2005 2:19:51 PM.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Any update? How is she doing?

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

bump for an update?

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Thanks girls for thinking of me and my SIL. DH and I went over there last night. She is doing OK- she is depressed- but nothing dangerous.

I confronted her with everything I thought and didn't hold back. She and I are very similar in some ways. She is like a younger version of me- when I was 21 - but more extreme (I'm 30 now). We are both Scorpios and react the same way to things. The difference is I can shake it off after a few minutes, she can't.

She completely agrees with everything I said to her- but doesn't do anything to change her situation. We always have the same conversation and she always says I'm right, but then a few months later we have the same conversation again.

Unfortunately their mother used to keep all her emotions inside or cry and not tell her kids why when they asked (she tried to protect her children from her pain), but they learned from her and do the same thing (I got DH out of that habit). So different from my family where we shared everything!

I told her the more she stays at home, the more depressed she'll be. THat she is welcome tohang out with us- and every time we invite her she says no. She is feeling bad about herself and embarassed at how her life is going, she's 28 and no job, no boyfriend, no real home, etc... and doesn't want to be around people. I tried to explain to her there is nothing to be embarassed about- and everyone has their issues- DH and I moved in with my mom for a few montsh to save $$ before the baby- my sister's friend just got laid off- things happen. No one judges you on those stuff- its what you do with the adversity that shows the kind of person you are.

She wants to get out of NY and move to Florida so she is pretty much sabotoging her life here. She gets job offers but doesn't want them- she only wants the jobs that reject her. She is waiting for some $ from her old job and then she is going to go to Florida. Hopefully there she can actually confront her demons and not keep running away. She says she has good friends down there- and she hates the city and loves the country. She is also not used to the cold weather- which isolates her even further.

She will be OK- I just hope she deals with her depression to be a fully functioning person. She can survive, but she needs to work on her coping and self esteem. I love her and she knows we will always be here- and my whole family also.

Re: SIL trouble... what to do

Wow. I hope things work out for her!