Shower Vent

A little background...so basically my mom's side of the family is Jewish and I mean that in a loose way. We celebrate holidays like Hannukkah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah but that's about it. We don't go to temple, don't know hebrew, etc.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being Jewish at all, but my mom, grandma, and aunts think that a baby shower should be held AFTER the baby is born because they believe that you shouldn't celebrate a baby until it's here. I guess it goes with the logic that you shouldn't count your eggs before they hatch kinda deal. While I can see their viewpoint, I want to have a shower before the baby comes because I want to be prepared and I feel that's what most people do. My MIL also wants to have the shower before the baby arrives.

As it stands at this point, it looks like my MIL and DH will be footing most of the bill because my mom doesn't want to have it before the baby is born.

I'm getting upset because I feel like my mom isn't respecting my feelings about this. I understand she has her own beliefs but I feel like she is being selfish in this situation. Am I wrong? Thanks for reading

Shower Vent

I understand both sides. My mother would never fund a shower. My family would show up but without gifts. They would bring gifts after the baby arrived. We are not religious either but tradition is very strong. I am sorry you are dissapointed. As long as your mother is willing to be there to respect your wish to celebrate before I think you should respect her wish not to be involved in planning/paying.

Shower Vent

It is probably because they are Jewish. My mom felt the same way and still hasn't bought anything for DS while my MIL has gone a little nutty already giving us gifts. My mom wanted to have the shower after DS was born but thank goodness my dad came to the rescue. My mom is a Conservative Jewish woman, although we were brought up Reformed. My dad is Roman Catholic, so is DH, and we are raising DS Catholic as well. My dad explained to my mom that we wanted the stuff to be set up and taken care of, just like you said. I suffer from really bad anxiety and OCD and my dad through that in, as it can be good for baby. My mom is a TOTAL control freak and would DIE if she didn't have a say in the shower and MIL did. All these factors, and my mom finally caved. I have gotten a lot of stack from my mom's family's side about having a shower now and not after the baby is born. I just tell them that I'll miss them at the shower then and hope to see them after DS is born but I might be too busy. I'm a b*tch and lay on some Jewish guilt as well.

Good luck and I hope your mom comes around!

Shower Vent

I understand both sides, but I have to agree more with you. I'm not Jewish but come from a multicultural family where I side they are totally against showers or sprinkles after first baby and my other side that is in favor and celebrates every baby. At least your IL have your back and willing I support you.

Shower Vent

It wasn't planned this way but my shower happened after DS was born. He arrived two weeks before my shower date and a total of 12 wks early. He spent time in the NICU and so I did technically have time to setup after he came. But it was actually kind of nice that the shower was after he was born. First of all even though we were told it was a boy we knew it really was. It was nice to be able to share pictures and stories about him with friends and family who would not get to meet him for a while. As for the superstition thing I know a lot of families (none Jewish) that are like that. In fact after DS was born and we had the shower I actually wondered if we had jinxed ourselves because he was doing so well. Having things for him scared me. We did not buy anything that we needed until we were on our way to the hospital to pick him up.

I can see both sides of the situation. But it will all work itself out.

Re: Shower Vent

*crashing*

My family is Jewish (DH's isn't) and my mother would never, ever consider throwing me a baby shower. It's a superstition that runs VERY deep for a lot of Jews, even non-practicing. I didn't get a shower when I was pregnant. I file it under "too bad, so sad." If your MIL wants to throw you a shower, that's wonderful! If she doesn't want to do it without your mom, then you'll have a shower after the baby is born. IMO, you are so lucky that both sides of your family want to throw you a shower (I've never heard of a Jewish family having a shower after the birth).

Re: Shower Vent

Crashing.

I am Jewish and no matter how much I might want a baby shower, I would NEVER be allowed to have one. And I do know plenty of Jews that do, including my Bf's sister who is Jewish and had her's last weekend. That said, my family is superstitious so I would respect their wishes.

It kind of stinks but it sounds like you and your mother may need to "agree to disagree."

Shower Vent

Can you have 2 showers? One before the baby and one small one after the baby with just your mom's side of the family? I mean yea it sucks that your MIL will have to fork out most of the bill but maybe keep it low-key?

Re: Shower Vent

This is a Jewish tradition. But, since your family is not very devout, what if you propose a compromise? What if you have a shower but you don't bring anything home to your house until after baby is born? I'm not saying this is logical - but a friend of mine whose family was unwilling to throw a shower because of this tradition ultimately caved and had the shower on the condition that all of the gifts remain unopened at the house of the mother in law (who was not Jewish) until after baby was born. Maybe your family would consider it. Good luck!

Re: Shower Vent

Thanks for the replies. Maybe they'll go for the "get the gifts early but don't open them til after the baby idea."


I just hate conflict so hopefully everything will smooth over.

Re: Shower Vent

Shower Vent

I'm Jewish (DH isn't). I wasn't sure if I wanted one. I ended up having one thrown by my mom mil sisters and sil. The deal was anything that I didn't need immediately is not stored at my house. It's all stored at my parents. My moms friends weren't invites either to avoid them being forced to buy a present before the baby arrives and some family and jewish friends bought token gifts. I'm also not getting the furniture delivered until the baby arrives. It's a bit unsettling but a good compromise of both religions.

Maybe you could convince your mom to compromise and not have all the baby presents stored at your house?

Re: Shower Vent

I am completely on your side. I am jewish and so is my DH. We had a big fat Jewish wedding in a temple. I had a huge shower. This is superstition going back to Russia when there were no such thing as sonograms. I thought why would my non-Jewish friend's baby's be safe, but mine wouldn't? Makes no sense. It is your baby. If you feel safe, then u should have a shower.