Should everyone get equally?

If one child is helped out financially by the parents should the other kid(s) be given to as well?

Message edited 3/8/2006 2:45:41 PM.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

If they need it I would say yes-although Iguess it depends on the parents financial status

Re: Should everyone get equally?

My mom had this problem with one of her sisters. My aunt got money when she bought her house because my grandparents moved into the house with them. When she got a divorce & sold the house she got the money that my grandparents had given to her. It was later changed in the will that she would get that minused out of whatever my grandparents left the 3 girls because she already got a portion of her inheritance. Unfortunately nobody ever thinks they won't speak to their sisters or brothers but money always makes people crazy. If you want talk to your parents to come to an agreement.

My DHs mother went through a similar thing and she said to her mom if you are giving one you have to give us all to make it fair. You don't want to be like that but sometimes parents don't realize. This may sound really mean & weird because it is your parents but it will save headaches later down the road if something happens to your parents & it wasn't addressed earlier.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

my thoughts are if you give to one you give to all, my grandma helped out my uncle when he could not find an apartment so he lived there for about 9 months, sicne she was helping him out she made sure that she gave the other kids a "little something" since she knew she saved my uncle 9 minths worth if rent (which could of easilybeen a few thousand dollars). I think this is the proper way to do it. If one of my kids asked to borrow money I would make sure i gave to othe others too, or at least let them know they could count on us if ever needed.
Thanks for the imputm this is not for me, but for someone close to me that is struggling with this in the family.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I agree it should be fair, but that kids shouldn't expect handouts forever. MIL and I were talking about this recently - she has friends who have bought an apt, paid off about $30k in debt, and paid for an engagement ring for their son. They gave their daughter almost the same amount for a downpayment on a house and baby furniture.

MIL thinks that since they have the money, they should now help their son out with a downpayment on a house, I think that they've helped him a lot already, and it's time he learned to stand on his own.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

There are four of us and my father won't ever GIVE anything to one of us without giving to all of us (loans are another story)...............my brothers even got "sweet 16" money b/c my sister and I had a party.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

no
i actually red a psychological study that it should be based on NEED.
that actually children like to be treated and recognized to be different and have different needs.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I think adult children should never expect their parents to give them money - they should be able to support themselves.

That said, money does do funny things to people, and I think that when things are not given in equal amounts, some resentments build. However, I remember talking to my mom (when I was an adult) about how we weren't always treated the same as children(not money related). She responded with, "Of course I didn't treat you all the same. You are all different people, with different abilities and personalities. I treated you based on my expectations of you as an individual....."

I think that parents have the right to do whatever they want with their money, but they should be aware that hard feeling will go along with perceived inequities. Personally, I wish my parents were still alive to spend every dime of the money I inherited.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

i think in that article I read it was "children should be treated with equity not treated equally"

Re: Should everyone get equally?

In my family things are very different. Each child's case is reviewed.

So those for equality-if one child gets a scholarship but the other one doesn't. So the parents help the one that did not get it. Should they also be expected to give scholarship child an equal amount?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I think the main thing is the resentment that builds, when one child is being helped out financially it causes great resentment in the other kids. I think it's a sticky situation, bt I personally would not give to 1 without giving or at least saying something to othe others about giving equally!
I have seen the closest of families be split apart because of money, it's just very frustrating for the child "left out" of getting "help" like the others have gotten. This type of stuff makes me relieved to be an only child

Message edited 3/9/2006 4:30:30 PM.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I totally get that, that is why I think it should all be out in the open, and the other kids should know about it. I can't tell you how many people have "surprises" at the reading of the will.

The same thing happened to my mom's friend. She has 3 sons. One really needed some $, so she gave it to him- but then made sure that his part of the inheritance was deducted by that amount. That way- it would all be fair in the end.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I think so. Growing up we were always treated very fairly.

In my family, everything is split equally three ways in terms of gifts, etc. My mother actually upgrades everyone's christmas presents bc the stuff she gets me costs a little more. However in terms of equity, my older sister has been living in a house my parents own for years with significantly reduced rent (including free rent when needed). If not for them, my sister would've had to move out of state long ago. Her need outweighs mine & my other sister's - and I'd rather her live near us. I would not expect my parents to leave my older sister less money because of that.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I really think every situation needs to be judged separately. I sometimes think that the idea that one child was given something they needed, so the others have to get the same, regardless of need can create greedy monsters. If you're talking about a large sum of money, then I think deducting it from the inheritance in the end is acceptable. You never know what is going to happen over time. If one child needs now, another may need later on. If you constantly spend your time making everything "even" you'll either go broke or drive yourself nuts. I agree with giving $ to a son who didn't have a sweet 16 where a daughter did, or giving each child the same amount for a wedding -- whether to pay for it or as a gift, but just giving to children because another child needs, is unnecessary. If adult children can't understand that their siblings need something at one point that they don't need, then they need to reflect on their attitudes. This is all just my opinion.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

everyone has made such great points, I guess what is boils down to is "need", if one child is struggling to make ends meet and has watched another child be catered to when they were "able" to care for themselves but chose not to, that is where the conflict lies. I think if a child is being helped/supported for ridiculous reasons (doesn't want to move out, doesn't want to change jobs, etc) then the other child should be compensated too.
I would just NEVER let one child get a free ride without compensating the others somehow. Mooching off of parents is just tasteless IMO and I have seen it too often.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

My husband and I represent two ends of the spectrum. My Mom was always very into us being independed. She is not someone who will help you out of financial trouble or give loans without her arm being twisted. My in laws on the other hand ae very generous with both of their kids and if they have it it's yours. I feel sad as it is to say that my husband has a better relationship wth his parents than I do with my Mom because this makes me resent her sometimes. I am trying to get over this because I realize it is kind of superficial but I do tend to have these feelings. My Dad will help when he can but he is not rolling in it.

Re: Should everyone get equally?

Re: Should everyone get equally?

I don't think it should be equal. I can't imagine saying well my brother got this, so I want it too!

Re: Should everyone get equally?