POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Help me settle a debate between DH and I

Would you Accept the gift or Not:

From a person that was verbally/emotionally offensive directly to you

OR

From a person who complained about others to you, but not directly to you

OR

From a person who wouldn't get involved in a dispute you had with other family members, and just continued to go to family parties while you boycotted awaiting the dispute to be resolved.

One of us says - Yes, accept the gift. Just because we don't agree with how the other person speaks or acts, doesn't mean they don't like us. That we shouldn't take their actions personally because that's just the way they are with everyone.

One of us says - No, don't accept the gift. That accepting the gift, sets an example for our children of what behavior we tolerate, and that it will affect our character.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

From a person that was verbally/emotionally offensive directly to you

Depends on the situation...was it a one-time thing? Was it not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life? Then yeah, I'd accept the gift. If it's someone that repeatedly is nasty toward me, then no.

From a person who complained about others to you, but not directly to you

I'm not following this...they complain about others to me but not to me? If it's just a case of a big complainer, then yes, I'd accept it. If what you mean is that they complain about me to other people, I'd accept it too...because I wouldn't know FOR A FACT that the person complains about me to others unless I happened to overhear it.

From a person who wouldn't get involved in a dispute you had with other family members, and just continued to go to family parties while you boycotted awaiting the dispute to be resolved.

Yes, because some people - myself included - when not personally involved or invested in an issue prefer to stay out of things and let whoever is involved work their issues out. Too many cooks in the kitchen and all that.

POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Depending on what was said, I would likely just accept it. In my family refusing it would start a bigger battle thats just not worth fighting. Obviously if it was something so horrible I could never forgvie it, my answer may be different. In situation 3 I would definitely accept it. I cant be mad at someone for not cutting a person I argued with out of their lives.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

From a person that was verbally/emotionally offensive directly to you (ie - they called you selfish, your spouse controlling and slow, your child slow, your unborn a whore)

OR

From a person who complained about others to you, but not directly to you (they complained openly on a Facebook post, they didn't inbox you or post it to your wall, but it was clearly about you by the details they included.)

OR

From a person who wouldn't get involved in a dispute you had with other family members, and just continued to go to family parties while you boycotted awaiting the dispute to be resolved.
(ie - you asked the person to mediate, they said they would, the other party backed out, the mediator didn't push the other party. You emotionally felt you couldn't drop it without talking about it, the other party just wanted to drop it. and your annoyed because you thought you meant more to the mediator that they should have helped you - instead of staying out of it.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

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Message edited 3/18/2013 9:53:03 AM.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Honestly, I'm a little confused by the examples lol.

In general, if I'm estranged from the person, depending on who they are, it doesn't mean they are estranged from my child. Ex., if I had a falling out with a family member/friend but they had a close relationship with my child, and it wasn't a harmful/negative relationship then yes, I would accept the gift for them. My relationship with them shouldn't effect my child's relationship with them if it's a safe relationship to continue.

POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

In none of the examples the people have a relationship with the child that the child knows them or asks for them.

POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

For the person saying not to accept it - they don't want to be reminded of the person(s) that are repeat offender(s) in 1 & 2.

For the person saying to accept it they think accepting does not mean they will start a relationship out of it. Just that they are accepting the gift - taking it as a nice gesture.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

We have this issue in our family. DH and his Sister do not speak. She is nasty, jealous, and just an angry person. So with that said, she has said a lot of crap to/about me and I have pretty much cursed her out right to her face. So with that said, Christmas comes and she gets us gifts. Really? So we got them something. But next year, we are going to tell them we aren't exchanging.

Message edited 3/7/2013 6:13:58 AM.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

If we are not supposed to accept gifts from people who complain about us behind our backs, then there goes Christmas.

The only scenario that would cause me to cut someone off in the way you describe is the first one where someone's child was called horrible names.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Posted by JennP

If we are not supposed to accept gifts from people who complain about us behind our backs, then there goes Christmas.

The only scenario that would cause me to cut someone off in the way you describe is the first one where someone's child was called horrible names.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

I'm not sure if this is relevant but I did not accept a gift from someone that I thought did not have good intentions.

I received a wedding gift from someone that wrote a long letter explaining why they felt it was rude that I didn't invite their three teenage daughters to my wedding. The letter had backhanded comments about my me and my STBX.

I ripped up the check and acted like I never received it.

So I'm not sure if this helps you but if its a person you don't want anything to do with, you may not want to owe them a thank you.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Posted by JennP

If we are not supposed to accept gifts from people who complain about us behind our backs, then there goes Christmas.

The only scenario that would cause me to cut someone off in the way you describe is the first one where someone's child was called horrible names.

Message edited 3/7/2013 7:27:39 PM.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Posted by JennP

If we are not supposed to accept gifts from people who complain about us behind our backs, then there goes Christmas.

I'm sorry but I am ROTFL!!!!!!!!.

Re: POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

I sent a gift to the child of a family member that we had a falling out with. The father showed up at my house, gift in hand, shoved it in DH's face & requested my husband to "step outside." This all happened in front of my son, who went with DH to answer the door. I feel bad for the child who could not keep the gift, and my son was very hurt because he picked out the gift. Just be aware that if you refuse a gift, you may never have an opportunity again. I will never buy a gift for anyone in that family again no matter what happens in the future. I would never have involved children in our dispute but someone took that choice out of my hands.

POLL: Acceptinrg or Not - Gifts from estranged relatives/friends

Tough one. DH & I have the same disagreement in our house. He thinks we should keep them, I think they should go back. Thus far, DD has kept them.