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MrsMerlot
Unconditional Love
Member since 4/06 6005 total posts
Name:
Chrissy
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Re: Please i need advice..
Posted by MrsPorkChop
some men are into it- and the fact that you absolutely abhorr it is why he is hiding it from you.
to me he sounds just like a normal guy. you should see my office- all "classy" married men and they all get busted with viruses from looking at porn all day at work. i see them myself!
some men are just idiots. and i mean that endearingly- they are just stupid and immature sometimes!
i think that if hes looking at it occasionally that its not something for you to be that worried about. at the same time, if hes calling 900 numbers and spending alot of time at strip clubs behind your back, then id be worried.
im not saying that this is something i ahve done, but ive been told if you watch them with him, or be a little more open about it, he wont hide it so much. i know if i told dh id watch porn with him, hed freaking love it.
anyway, its sooo taboo to you that it probably makes him want to do it more. if you offer ot partake, maybe he wont want to do it in hiding anymore?
perfectly stated. a majority of men (and women) look at porn....and I agree that he was hiding it from you b/c you're opposed to it.
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Posted 9/10/06 10:37 AM  |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Please i need advice..
He probably is embarrased.
To me, I wouldnt find it a big deal. For some reason that type of thing doesnt bother me in the least. BUT, for you it does.
So I siggest two things...ONE...Talk to him about WHY this bothers you. This may be very uncomfortable to you, but you have to get out how you feel if you want to accept it.
Does it make you jealous? Feel like less a women? Like he doesnt want you?
I think he needs to be able to address your fears for you.
and second- I would honestly have a heart to heart about your sex life. Because it does sound like your having some problems.
I have learned avoidance makes it worse.
No matter how embarrassing it may be, it can only help and I would force myself to do that to help my marriage.
Also- you have to understand that YOU think its wrong, dont like it ...Not everyone feels that way...your husband doesnt think its wrong , and obviously likes it....so imagine how hard it is for him to understand your point of view ( as hard as it is for you to understand his)
You really have to open up if you want him to understand why you feel this way.
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| Posted 9/10/06 10:44 AM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Please i need advice..
Posted by ChrissynRicky
Posted by MrsPorkChop
some men are into it- and the fact that you absolutely abhorr it is why he is hiding it from you.
to me he sounds just like a normal guy. you should see my office- all "classy" married men and they all get busted with viruses from looking at porn all day at work. i see them myself!
some men are just idiots. and i mean that endearingly- they are just stupid and immature sometimes!
i think that if hes looking at it occasionally that its not something for you to be that worried about. at the same time, if hes calling 900 numbers and spending alot of time at strip clubs behind your back, then id be worried.
im not saying that this is something i ahve done, but ive been told if you watch them with him, or be a little more open about it, he wont hide it so much. i know if i told dh id watch porn with him, hed freaking love it.
anyway, its sooo taboo to you that it probably makes him want to do it more. if you offer ot partake, maybe he wont want to do it in hiding anymore?
perfectly stated. a majority of men (and women) look at porn....and I agree that he was hiding it from you b/c you're opposed to it.
Totally agree!!
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| Posted 9/10/06 10:45 AM |
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Miro127
LIF Infant
Member since 5/05 204 total posts
Name:
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Re: Please i need advice..
I, too, am VERY against porn. And I do not care how many men out there look at it or how many people think it's "normal" - for me, in my marriage, with the one man I chose to be with, it is NOT okay. DH and I had some major issues w/ this when we were dating - I explained to him that I don't care if his friends, or every other guy out there chooses to engage in what I believe is an immoral activity - if he wanted to be with me, he would not look at it. This was when we were dating, so there was an easy out. DH now understands how I feel and it is a non-issue (as far as I know!). Personally, I don't buy the "it's natural, all guys do it" train of thought. Not acceptable in my world.
My advice: Calmly talk to your DH and explain why you are so against it and why it does not have a place in your marriage. I'm sure he'll come around once he realizes how devastating it is to you (sometimes guys need things beaten into their heads!).
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| Posted 9/10/06 10:49 AM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: Please i need advice..
omg i feel for you. i swear, i could have made this post!
i found out a few yrs ago my dh was looking at sites after finding a hidden video....
i was so hurt and felt betrayed...... and almost cheated on.....
he now doesnt do it and believe me i check.....
if he wants to watch something he can watch it with me although he never initiates it....
hang in there it will get better.
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| Posted 9/16/06 10:11 PM |
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2PreciousBlessings
The Perfect Pair
Member since 5/06 19861 total posts
Name:
Best Wife & Mommy
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Re: Please i need advice..
Posted by Summer05
Posted by Redhead
Posted by overthinking
so now what i tell him its ok to do all this???
if it were me..
i think i would start off by telling him again what happened in your past and how it greatly affected you as a person.
And how this is the reason why you reacted the way you did.
I would also LISTEN to him. Let him tell you when he is doing this, why he is doing this..and what not..
if it is just an occassional thing, something that does not interfere with you and his intimacy ...IMO i would reassure him that it is actually natrual and you will learn to accept that
if it is something that effects your relationship...(which i highly doubt)...then that is going to be problematic and somethings will need to change
But i think that you have to do a lot of thinking on your own...
you have to really separate what happened in your past and what your DH is doing..
I agree
I completely agree as well.
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| Posted 9/16/06 10:19 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22148 total posts
Name:
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Re: Please i need advice..
Posted by Redhead
well this is what i am thinking...I am thinking that he probably wanted to look a these things for ever. He probably didn't tell you and snuck around to look at them because he didn't want to upset you and make you feel all that hurt that you felt in the past.
I think guys do IN FACT talk about sites and what not....but that is just a superficial side note...How he found the sites really imo doesn't matter..
I find that looking at porn is some what natural. I PERSONALLY do not like it. But i do not argue with my DH about it.
But i really think your DH meant no harm and just wanted to sneak his peaks without hurting you..
NO it isn't right to lie about doing it. YES i would have been better if your DH would have sat you down and talking to you about it...
BUT what would have been your reaction? Maybe a not so good one? Maybe he was embarrassed or even ashamed ?
Talking openly about sex and desires isn't exacly the easiest thing for people to do..
I say you should just relax...and sit and just talk with your DH about it..
I really do not see it as bad as you do..
i am sure you are hurt and a LOT (obviously) old emotions were brought up. But you gotta leave what happened with your passt BFs out of your current marriage.
And imo looking at some silly sites is kinda harmless
good luck
I agree withh Jen. While I know it is normal and natural, I can't stand it, but I know that his drive is bigger than mine. The fact that he knows your past issues iwht it comes into play. He isn't doing it to defy you but he's hiding it so as not to hurt you.
What you need to remember is that he is NOT your past bf. This man you married and there has to be something aobut him that is different than the past bf. Therefore, I don't think he is doing it to hurt you.
Talk to him. I understand where you 'are coming from. But you need to discuss it.
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| Posted 9/17/06 10:26 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Please i need advice..
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| Posted 9/17/06 10:31 AM |
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