Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Cailen has all of a sudden become afraid of black people. I was in denial for a while, but it's becoming more and more obvious. I have no politically correct way of saying this, and I don't know who to talk to about it or how to address it.

The strange thing is, in his old daycare, he was one of the only white children in his room. All the kids were of color, and his favorite teacher he used to call mommy was Haitian. I was so happy that he had so much diversity around him.

We switched daycare in December. There is a teacher in one of the rooms that he likes, and she is black. So, I think f he knows the person, he is OK...

But a stranger, and he FREAKS out. And it's embarassing, because he did it in Borders last month, in the cafe. 2 different people, 2 different areas of the cafe, but both were black.

When we went to Baby Loves Disco in December, he was afraid of the kids who got their faces painted, and 2 of the kids were black. I think it started then.Even the mom of the little girl said, " I think he's afraid of her!" And I said, "No, he is afraid of the paint on her face." Which was true.

It sounds awful and I am very upset by it. It's not like I can say out loud, "It's ok, Cailen, you don't have to be afraid of him/her..." I have to pretend its not happening.

There is a cute little segment on Noggin where a boy is going ice skating with his mom. Cailen screamed, cried, and hid his face in the couch.

Great. The rest of the world has progressed. We have a black president. And my son has to start pulling this.

WHAT should I do?????? I am at a loss.

Please don't flame me. I've been wanting to ask about this for a while, but didn't know how. But he just had a fit about the Noggin thing.....

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Do you have any black friends with kids his age.. that you could set up a play date with? Im sure its just a phase, and I wouldnt really try and acknowledge it too much b/c then he will become more aware of it.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Message edited 11/22/2011 10:26:47 PM.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Posted by imthekevinofcindyandkevin

Don't make a big deal out of it with him. He'll grow out of it. in the meantime try to expose him to as much diversity as you can.

he's still the man.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

No advice but many

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Not that it can compare, but my dog growing up did not like any dark skinned person (black or latino) It was the crazziest thing!

But in terms of your son, I would try to expose him to AA people as much as possible. The reality is, children are afraid of things/people they don't know. Exposure is the best medicine!

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Next time you color with him in a coloring book, make sure you color some of the people darker colors.

Watch cartoons with african american characters - or sesame street.

Explain to him that people have all different colors, just like the creatures on Yo Gabba Gabba have different colored fur.

I think most people will understand that a baby isn't being racist, just expressing himself.

Apologize sincerely and tell them you are teaching him about how people are different, but he's going through a stage.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

When my girls were 2 1/2 they did something that made me realize that they had led a far too sheltered life without enough diversity....(I would offend others if I told the story)

It was at that point that I looked at their dolls, their books, their tv programs etc and made sure that I wasnt adding to it....

I realized that while I try my best to be as open to other religions, races, customs, as I can be...the truth is that Im only human and Im sure there have been a couple of stupid comments that may have come out of my mouth on occassion. I realized that their father is very bigotted and it was up to me to make sure they were brought up to be tolerable of others.

Like all the other phases that our children go through it too shall pass..The only advice that I have is to do nothing....you are already teaching him all he needs to know.

Message edited 1/23/2009 6:25:17 PM.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

I would watch Sesame Street (and other shows like it with diversity)

---- for sesame street, talk about the different characters, talk about all the different colored monsters, talk about black, brown, and white --- talk about tall and short, fat and skinny, talk about how different everyone is.


Talk about you and your DH and his sisters and how each looks different (long hair, short hair, glasses, blue eyes/brown eyes) .... Eventually he will understand and be OK.


Buy storybooks with diversity - characters that look different than him.

It is a stage and it will pass, but some of these things may help.

Even flipping through Newsweek and talking about Obama or whomever is in there. He may not understand 'who' he is, but he'll get familiar with the differences.

Message edited 1/23/2009 6:29:23 PM.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Posted by leighla

Next time you color with him in a coloring book, make sure you color some of the people darker colors.

Watch cartoons with african american characters - or sesame street.

Explain to him that people have all different colors, just like the creatures on Yo Gabba Gabba have different colored fur.

I think most people will understand that a baby isn't being racist, just expressing himself.

Apologize sincerely and tell them you are teaching him about how people are different, but he's going through a stage.

Message edited 1/23/2009 6:35:46 PM.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Why don't you go out and buy him a doll that has dark skin? I also like the idea of coloring with him and making some of the people different colors. Ava recently realized that some of the kids in her dance class have different color skin than her, and so we just explained it to her that just like people have different color hair, they can also have different colored skin and that mommy's skin is much darker than daddy's, but we're still the same. Give him time and expose him to other cultures where you can. He will not be scared of dark skin forever with parents who lead him in the right direction. And if it makes you feel any better, when Ava was little, she used to call anyone she didn't know that had dark skin "Charlies" because my sister's dog Charlie was black

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

I would not make a bit deal out of it.

He will grow out of it. I think the more you will pay attention to it the more he will do it.

Meanwhile, "innocently" keep exposing him to other cultures, races, religion, colors so he does not think you are just bringing the "racial" issue.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

That's the thing - I am very much about multiculturalism. We have books and toys with all different races. It's like a colossal joke from God or something....

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

i don't have much advice because i have not had to experience this yet as DD is not yet 9 months. I do agree with the other posters though about toys, cartoons, coloring and it sounds like you're doing all of these things. i find it really interesting honestly that he is expressing himself that way. it's not something that i would have thought about . i will have to see if dd reacts the same way someday.

silly story that is somewhat related to topic...

when i was about 4 1/2 my grandma was towel drying my hair after a bath and she said "my mama used to dry my hair this way" and i peeked out from under the towel and said "oh, was she black?" well, obviously she was not as my whole family is from ireland ! I must have seen some tv show where black children were saying "mama" and i assumed that's what black children called their moms! makes sense to a 4 year old...haha!

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Posted by lipglossjunky73

That's the thing - I am very much about multiculturalism. We have books and toys with all different races. It's like a colossal joke from God or something....

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Posted by leighla

Next time you color with him in a coloring book, make sure you color some of the people darker colors.

Watch cartoons with african american characters - or sesame street.

Explain to him that people have all different colors, just like the creatures on Yo Gabba Gabba have different colored fur.

I think most people will understand that a baby isn't being racist, just expressing himself.

Apologize sincerely and tell them you are teaching him about how people are different, but he's going through a stage.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

I totally agree with the pp's. He will outgrow it. I think you're overthinking it at this age.

At one point Joseph told me he didn't want to sit next one kid because they looked "dirty". I was horrified. We talked about the inside & the outside of people. He had a friend who he adored who was black. We watched Shrek & I explained how it's what's inside that counts, etc.

Then I realized he was barely 3. I was overthinking it too.

Maddie is 5. When I mentioned that our President was the first African-American president & she should be proud, she announced "But mom, I'm a white girl" Then I explained that she needed to be proud that people were smart enough not to vote for people based on the color of their skin OR if they were a man or woman. That it has to do with whether people think they would do a good job.

(DISCLAIMER - Not looking for a political discussion so if anyone starts cr@p about this, they are off my list of people I will ever help)

Again, it's something he will learn in time. It could be stranger anxiety, which is completely normal.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Josh went through it very early on.

We are the only white/spanish family in our building, every one else is black, indian, or asian.

He was infatuated with the 10 year old little girls who baby him, but their dads, brothers, and mothers...it was so embarassing!

We went to Thanksgiving when he was 11 mos old at Leo's boss's home. 40 black people and us. He was terrified the whole time. Everytime we went to see Leo at work, Josh would only go to white people, never black people. I just kept forcing the issue. I made sure he saw me be overly affectionate, hugging them hello and goodbye.

It did work to our advantage once on vacation. Leo's best friend is black, we were gone for the week with him. At every restaurant we would purposely sit Josh next to him...he was never so well behaved at a restaurant in his life.

Then one day he snapped out of it. Thank God since his father is PR and my nieces and nephews are black.

Message edited 1/23/2009 8:09:14 PM.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

As embarrassing as it can be while it's happening I think it's just a phase. I think a lot of children have these irrational fears that pop up out of no where and make us

For my nephew it was the windshield wipers in a car. He would freak out hysterically crying hiding his face so he couldn't see them. It lasted a few months and then disappeared as fast as it came.

I know a human and windshield wipers are two completely different things but I really don't think it has much to do with what the actual fear is....it could have been anything. Cailen has always been around other ethnicities so it's not something new to him. JMO

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Liza, is it possible that he is just becoming aware of differences, and that this particular difference is not making sense to him? I know that G all of a sudden is afraid of girls. He obviously around them all the time at school, and older women are OK (mommy figures, like the teachers), but girls his own age are scaring the heck out of them. I think he is realising that they are different, and knowing that something is different with them is scaring him in a way. (I hope I am explaining this right...)

I agree with the PP that making a big deal is probably not the way to go, and that openly talking about how people are different, and different is good and exciting, etc might help.

Cailen is an awesome little guy, and you are doing a great job with him.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Posted by MsMBV

Liza, is it possible that he is just becoming aware of differences, and that this particular difference is not making sense to him? I know that G all of a sudden is afraid of girls. He obviously around them all the time at school, and older women are OK (mommy figures, like the teachers), but girls his own age are scaring the heck out of them. I think he is realising that they are different, and knowing that something is different with them is scaring him in a way. (I hope I am explaining this right...)

I agree with the PP that making a big deal is probably not the way to go, and that openly talking about how people are different, and different is good and exciting, etc might help.

Cailen is an awesome little guy, and you are doing a great job with him.

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

Re: Please don't flame me. I'm very upset with something about Cailen lately

I think he is just afraid because they are strangers and unfamiliar.

I have dark skin and dark hair as do most of the people in my family, so my girls are not always friendly toward people with blonde hair/blue eyes. This is unfamiliar to them.

or we all could just be looking way to far into this.