NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

My father has been pretty much absent from my life and Johnnys life. He is one of those fair weather dads who checks in from time to time when it suits him.

Basically I left him voicemails and texts when we found out we were having another boy. This was in Feb. He never called back. He did text a week later to say he would call soon to catch up....

Now it is May. He never called me this whole time. He hasn't seen Johnny since he's 6 months old

I all of a sudden get bombarded with calls and emails today...."Hey Maureen how are you? Sorry I haven't called you, I feel like hell about it. Life has been busy. Call me back soon, tell my little grandson I say hello!".

I get nauseous that he calls Johnny his grandson. A grandpa is involved and cares about his grandchild. He has NO CLUE that we have even gone through EI, special needs preschool, etc. with him. He is selfish...when my mom and dad divorced he felt it was time to focus on himself and his new wife instead of his 6 children. We have had an on/off relationship throughout the last 10 years. I invite him to everything, he just goes whenever it suits him.

What should I do?? I honestly don't know if I email him back...but that can get dangerous, as I've been known to really lash out to him over email and I don't want to resort to pettiness this time. Do I call and tell him how I feel?? Do I just ignore him altogether? It's so difficult. I wish in a way he would just disappear...never contact me. It would make it easier for all!

TIA for taking time to read.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Well, I am the wrong person to ask. After the sh*t I have been through with my mother, and family members who have come in and out of my life to stir things up and then disappear again, I say keep going forward, and don't look back. He had his oportunities, and blew them. You want him in your boys' lives to mess them up too?

The best gift you can give Johnny and is a drama free life with only consistent people who will love them.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Well, I am the wrong person to ask. After the sh*t I have been through with my mother, and family members who have come in and out of my life to stir things up and then disappear again, I say keep going forward, and don't look back. He had his oportunities, and blew them. You want him in your boys' lives to mess them up too?

The best gift you can give Johnny and is a drama free life with only consistent people who will love them.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Maureen, I also agree with Liza. I really think you need to move forward. It's awful that he thinks it's okay to do this to you. And it's awful to think that someday, he will be doing this to Johnny and your new DS.

I definitely would not e-mail him but I would either call him or write him a letter. You can pour your heart out on a piece of paper and get things off your chest that you can't do on a phone.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it just sucks. I currently have people in my life who are doing this as well and it really takes it's toll.

GL with your decision.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

I also agree with Liza.

You have to ask yourself what you seek to accomplish if you decide to give him a piece of your mind. Do you want an apology? Do you want him to change? Do you really want him to leave you alone indefinitely? Can you stand to listen to him manipulate the situation to make him appear to be the victim?

The problem with having hard feelings about someone (and I totally realize your father is a BIG 'someone' in your life) is that the one holding the feelings does all the suffering and the person they are for does none. This is why I'm able to let go of things - because the injustice of it bothers me so much that it forces me to let go so that I don't suffer.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Thanks everyone

I USED to have a decent relationship with him many years ago...that is what haunts me sometimes.

Its just that his life now would rather be spent on fishing trips or making my mother miserable by short changing child support, saying awful things to her etc..

He has a realtionship (i say this lightly) with 3 of his 6 kids. And its only because my siblings who speak to him from time to time feel guilty not talking to him.

Ugh....

He just emailed me AGAIN!!!!! This is his classic patter!! Disappear for months, then bombard with communication. So weird.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Just some

We are going through something similar with my MIL, it sucks

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Well, I am the wrong person to ask. After the sh*t I have been through with my mother, and family members who have come in and out of my life to stir things up and then disappear again, I say keep going forward, and don't look back. He had his oportunities, and blew them. You want him in your boys' lives to mess them up too?

The best gift you can give Johnny and is a drama free life with only consistent people who will love them.

I totally agree with you...I DO want a drama free life for Johnny and baby brother...

BUT..my father has this horrible manipulative way of making others feel badly for HIM. It's sick. I could go on and on w/examples but its so not worth it.

He is just so THICK. He thinks that he can pick up a phone after months and things will be normal and happy...NOPE! I am really really p***** off this time. I am afraid of the words that will come out of my mouth should I answer!

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Well, I am the wrong person to ask. After the sh*t I have been through with my mother, and family members who have come in and out of my life to stir things up and then disappear again, I say keep going forward, and don't look back. He had his oportunities, and blew them. You want him in your boys' lives to mess them up too?

The best gift you can give Johnny and is a drama free life with only consistent people who will love them.

I totally agree with you...I DO want a drama free life for Johnny and baby brother...

BUT..my father has this horrible manipulative way of making others feel badly for HIM. It's sick. I could go on and on w/examples but its so not worth it.

He is just so THICK. He thinks that he can pick up a phone after months and things will be normal and happy...NOPE! I am really really p***** off this time. I am afraid of the words that will come out of my mouth should I answer!

OK - I am taking off the "bitter, burnt by too many people in my life" hat, and now putting on my "behaviorist" hat....

Your father is going to keep behaving this way, because it WORKS for him to get what he wanst from other people.

He knows he can treat people like crap, and then play the woe is me act, and all is forgiven.

If someone KEEPS behaving the same way, it has been reinforced and wil never change if there is no reason to change, plain and simple

So, you can continue to reinforce this behavior, or you can choose to punish it. But just like any behavior, it will get worse before it gets better, so if you ignore him, he will kep calling, and calling, and will make you feel bad about limbs falling off, bleeding out of his eyes, and being a lonely old man or whatever - to get you to come running back to his arms until he gets his fix, and drop you again... OOPS - did I put the bitter hat back on???

Sorry

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

I would ignore these messages he's leaving.

I would not tell him that you are ending things with him, but just let nature take its course.

I can only imagine how this must feel.



At times I am so sad that Josh has a bad set of grandparents...but on the other side, he has the greatest grandparents...so it must even its self out.

I tried and tried with these people, wanting to make a full effort for josh to have all four grandparents...but if you know you put the effort in and there are still issues, you did what you could.

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Well, I am the wrong person to ask. After the sh*t I have been through with my mother, and family members who have come in and out of my life to stir things up and then disappear again, I say keep going forward, and don't look back. He had his oportunities, and blew them. You want him in your boys' lives to mess them up too?

The best gift you can give Johnny and is a drama free life with only consistent people who will love them.

I totally agree with you...I DO want a drama free life for Johnny and baby brother...

BUT..my father has this horrible manipulative way of making others feel badly for HIM. It's sick. I could go on and on w/examples but its so not worth it.

He is just so THICK. He thinks that he can pick up a phone after months and things will be normal and happy...NOPE! I am really really p***** off this time. I am afraid of the words that will come out of my mouth should I answer!

OK - I am taking off the "bitter, burnt by too many people in my life" hat, and now putting on my "behaviorist" hat....

Your father is going to keep behaving this way, because it WORKS for him to get what he wanst from other people.

He knows he can treat people like crap, and then play the woe is me act, and all is forgiven.

If someone KEEPS behaving the same way, it has been reinforced and wil never change if there is no reason to change, plain and simple

So, you can continue to reinforce this behavior, or you can choose to punish it. But just like any behavior, it will get worse before it gets better, so if you ignore him, he will kep calling, and calling, and will make you feel bad about limbs falling off, bleeding out of his eyes, and being a lonely old man or whatever - to get you to come running back to his arms until he gets his fix, and drop you again... OOPS - did I put the bitter hat back on???

Sorry

LOL!!!!! you made me laugh and i needed that right now!

He has used the line in the past "I won't be around forever". Yeah well you haven't been around at all really and its working for you now...

i just feel the worst for Johnny. I honestly do. This kid has done nothing wrong and knows nothing of his grandpa.

Thank god he is surrounded by the rest of his family who are all so incredible..I am truly blessed with a great mom and great in laws and tons of uncles and aunts who love him! He is a lucky kid

Re: NPR but could use some advice since this is where I post the most...

First off, I want to give you for what you must be going through. I don't have any experience with anything like this first hand but I can only imagine it must be awful for you!

I think that only you can really decide how you want this to go. Have you ever really let him have it? Told him that he is a complete jackazz of a father and grandfather? That he can't just ignore you for months and then come back into your life when it's convenient for him? Or are things more non-confrontational when you talk to him? If this were me, I would have it out with him and tell him he can't be in your life if it's going to be this way. It's not fair to you, or to your sons. Either he needs to step it up - or you are moving on!

Message edited 5/6/2009 1:23:57 PM.