Need some advice please...

Hi ladies,

I am going through something right now, and there is no one I can really talk to.

My husband gives me so much trouble when it comes to seeing my family- not all the time so much- more like the holidays, birthdays, and when my sister and Grandma are visiting.

Every time it is the same fight. I have been crying on and off all day. I just ask him to make it easy for me to see them and it will be over soon. He finds faults in everyone and anything we want to do.

My sister is going to stay here tonight and tomorrow night, and its actually her first time staying with us. She usually stays with my mom, but my mom has people with her this time. I am soooo nervous with how this is going to go. I stress so bad everytime he and my family have to get together.

I think he has social anxiety, or maybe just refuses to get along with people. As soon as plans change or there is "too much" family time, he is done. Last night my Grandma brought her dog over and didn't ask us first, so he refused to say hi to them and went up in our room.

Its like when someone does something to set him off, he withdraws and gets defensive. And he wants me to always stand up for him, and if I don't then its my fault for taking their side.

He wants to leave early anytime we go anywhere. I hate being the first to leave all the time. But it is a huge improvement from when we were dating and he didn't want to go to anything.

I guess I just need some advice or good thoughts please. Any tactics to get through these situations?

Thank you so much!
Samantha

Re: Need some advice please...

I would suggest talking to his doctor - it sounds like some kind of social anxiety disorder. Perhaps he could see a counselor to help give him techniques to handle his feelings.

Re: Need some advice please...

My dad is like that and it has made my moms life he*l! He gives her a hard time she wants to go see her family or have them to their home. He doesn't say hi often and he is just rude! Honestly I think you should try to get your dh to go to therapy. I've seen how sad it's made my mom through the years it's best to nip it in the butt now if you can.

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Take separate cars and do things on your own! I know my husband doesn't love spending time with my family, so we compromise, I go earlier/leave later and we take separate cars! For my husband, it's a selfish thing, not social anxiety! When he doesn't want to do something, noone can make him, or he acts like a miserable jerk. I just ignore it and don't give in to it, because I feel that is him acting like a baby and have learned that his behavior, is not a reflection on me!

Need some advice please...

Is he like this with friends? Just your friends? His friends? What about his family?

Im sorry your going through this but if he was like this when you were dating then why are you trying to deal with this now that your married? Meaning havent you been dealing with this for years?how have you ciped thus far?
I mean if this is how he always is around anyone then yes it may be social anxiety and i would suggest he sees someone because its not fair to you. You deserve to have a relationship with your family. And i would also suggest talking to him about this. Ask him what makes him anxious? What is afraid of? What does he think is going to happen?
And you need to talk to him about how your feeling.

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I would just do things separately and drive separately to your family's house. If he can go home when he wants, it will make things better for the both of you.

Need some advice please...

Thank you so much everyone! I asked him today to go to counseling, he says he thinks its my problem and he is fine with things. Uggh. The separate cars thing is a great idea. We should prob do that more often.

Yes he has always been like this, and Im not trying to change him. He is an awesome husband in literally every other way. Im just trying to live with it and make the best of it with my family. He lost touch with most of his friends and he is somewhat close to his family, but nothing like I would like to be. I only "make" him go to the big things for my friends and family. I just gate having him look bad to my family. It's bad enough I have to deal with it, I don't need their comments.

I def think its part anxiety and part bring a jerk that likes some control over situations. And with my side things can always change.

It just hurts bc each time I ask for his help and understanding and I feel like he lets me down. My fam isn't easy either so I feel like I get it on all ends.

Thanks for your help ladies :)

Re: Need some advice please...

I'm not sure that separate cars will help solve your problems longterm. It's a bandaid. You'll still be upset that he's leaving early and not being social. I think you have to continue talking to him, and trying to get him into counseling. He needs to see a psychiatrist whether he thinks so or not. You can't force him, but you can be supportive and help him get there.

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I would go alone. If the goal is to see your family and be happy, then it seems that is the best thing to do.

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Was he always like this?

Need some advice please...

Yes he was always like this, and has actually gotten better over the years. He used to flat out not go to things. Now he comes but I can tell dreads them and makes excuses to leave early.

This weekend was tuff. The good news is that it wasn't horrible with my sister staying here for 2 night with two hyper boys, my husband actually did ok. However, then my cousin wanted to come over last night for a cup of tea with me and my sis
and he was so against it with everything going on. Made for a very awkward talk to tell her why she couldn't come back to my house.

His automatic answer is always no. Then he thinks about it a little and we argue and sometimes he gives in to seeing people, but its def really hard on me and I don't want people hating and talking about him either.

Today he is in a great mood bc everyone is gone...

Mentioned the counseling again last night when he wouldn't let my cousin over telling him its things like this, but don't think he's ever gonna go for that :(

Message edited 12/29/2013 3:36:51 PM.

Need some advice please...

Well at some point your going to snap. And hes going to feel that. And then he will go to counseling.

I mean his behavior is not healthy for him and its not healthy for your relationship. I can understand being a bit introverted, I can be like that but to an extent. Its like I go through phases. BUT to overall always say no and then only give in when you argue is such a strain on the relationship.
Obviously you married him knowing he was like this and it wasn't a deal breaker for you. But at some point, it may become one. And like I said that may be the breaking point when he goes for help with you.

In the interim I would say you should go talk to someone who can help you manage these feelings and learn to how to deal with him. The definition of insanity is to go at something the same way and expect a different result. Try talking to someone they will give you a fresh healthy perspective on how to get through this and get through to him. You will wait forever if you wait for the world around you to change. YOU have to change and THEN you will see the world change around you...

Re: Need some advice please...

Need some advice please...

I'm not going to make assumptions ..so don't take it that way :)

But is your family at all overbearing or stays too long or anything? I'm one of those people who can't stand pushy family members (who aren't my own) or people who stay sooooo long. Like is it an inlaw issue? Sometimes people are used to their family and don't see the craziness that an outsider sees. Everyone is used to the way they were brought up and if you're not used to tons of family or being dropping by, etc, it can be overwhelming. I don't think I would assume automatically it may be a social anxiety thing. (Or maybe it is. Who knows)

Do you have a lot of free time together? Maybe he feels any free time you guys have is mostly spent with family?

Just offering another perspective.

Re: Need some advice please...

I don't like seeing my in laws either, but we share the discomfort (DH sees mine too).

If your DH doesn't have some serious disorder, I would put in a calendar who you are seeing & when. Make it fair. Your family equals his and your friends equal his. Also be sure you book some of your family only (you, hubby, & DC) time.

Re: Need some advice please...

Re: Need some advice please...

Need some advice please...

The only thing I can say is hang in there. It is really positive that he goes at all, showing your children a good example that no matter what, you should do the right thing. Hugs to you and I hope things get even better. My DH sometimes does the same thing, esp. if we have to travel far to see family.

Re: Need some advice please...

From my point of view, if I told DH that I was having my cousin over for some tea and he threw a fit for no "valid" reason at all...seriously go in another room if you're not feeling social.....I would have pitched a fit and had her over anyway.

Things that are not deal breakers in the beginning can become deal beakers down the line. If you are crying about it, and think your relationship would be helped by therapy, then you try to express to him how important this is to you. If he wont go, go by yourself.

Need some advice please...

This is a tough situation. I will share an extreme example of what I have seen with my inlaws. My FIL is very anti-social and it has become worse with age. My MIL is very outgoing, has a huge family, and loves to be surrounded by people. He on the other hand is the complete opposite and it he eventually isolated her from all people. I am not saying this is your DH's situation but it could end up like it. If this is not handled and discussed, he may eventually isolate you from your family. With my FIL I think it is a combination of a social disorder and selfishness. I hate to see my MIL suffer the way she is. Consider counseling on your own first. Then he may be more open to it. It could also help you figure out ways to approach him and help him. Good luck!

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Re: Need some advice please...

Re: Need some advice please...

Need some advice please...

Thank you all for your very helpful advice! This problem really only comes up 3 or 4 times a year. Which is still really really an annoying pain, but not affecting everyday life.

We still see family regularly maybe just my mom or his parents, its more gatherings and having people at our house out of the norm or on the fly that he has trouble with.

But we still had 3 parties at our house this year, he just needed lots of notice to plan it out in his head.

I want to go to therapy on my own to show him Im serious that this is an issue, but Im not sure how to find someone that would be good and with my insurance.

And the issue wont come up again until Easter which makes it difficult to explain to him bc its not all the time.

Thanks for listening. Any advice on how to find someone to talk to would be helpful!