need advice...wwyd? updated

OK so we moved oos last year.
Just found out MIL has a tumor and needs to have surgery to have it biopsied. She refused to do it at the moment until she gets her things in order (will, take care of her mother, etc) before knowing what it even is she is convinced that shes dying.
DH is afraid she is going to push this off too long (so am I).
We told her to schedule it and we will come up with the kids before and we will be there when she wakes up!
DH wants to just fly up this weekend to talk with her and help her set everything up (which I agree, if it can be done)
Anyway last night he asked me how would I feel about him taking our 3.5yr old DD with him.
He asked me for my opinion so I told him honestly I do think its the best idea!
He wants to go for 3 days, his family is very emotional right now (understandably) but they are also extremely dramatic as well. His sister as he put it is "shutting down" (and she is the oldest)
I told him I would be afraid it would be too much for him to handle his mother right now along with dd. How would he explain why everyone is so upset and what is going on before anyone even knew what the situtation is?
He thinks if he brough dd it would push his mom to want to schedule things (incentive not to just give up)
Now he seems mad at me becouse I don't agree with bringing her?
Am I wrong here? what would you do?

Message edited 2/13/2013 10:38:48 AM.

need advice...wwyd?

I would let him bring DD if he is really wanting too. He is an adult and I would figure he can make a decision like this.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Can you go too? That way he can focus more on his mom and you can focus more on dd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I am torn on this one. I feel like maybe your DD would add some levity/joy to the situation and she would provide a good distraction for everyone. On the other hand, she very well might be a distraction to DH and not give him the opportunity to do what he needs. Can you all go? Will anyone be able to assist DH while he is there with her? Does she play well on her own? Is she mature for her age? Does she sit still for a movie? If so, then I would have him take her, but if she needs constant supervision or is unable to play by herself for 30 minutes then I would have him leave her with you. I am sorry that she is facing this. Perhaps he can have a three way call with her doctor and her on the phone at the same time? Good luck.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I would probably let DH take my dd. but in the end, you need to do what you're comfortable with.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

if the situation was reversed would you want to take DD with you?

would you be pissed if DH told you, you shouldnt and he doesnt want you too.

maybe think of it that way so you can see his point of view.


Thats the best advice i can give you cause really i dont know what i would do in this situtaion i would probably be the same way as you and say no but thats mostly becaue i cant stand most of DH family and i just woudlnt want my daughter around that much .... whichi i know is completly spiteful and not right

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I'm so torn
I see his side...she would help distract and bring smiles and a reason to push...
but I fear it would expose her to sadness and worry before she is ready and before its even nesessary (and not having her mom to comfort her if she needs me)
I tried to tell him even if they dont discuss things infront of her she will sense it.
His mom or sis cant have a conversation without crying

Re: need advice...wwyd?

if it was reversed...I wouldnt want to bring dd knowing she will be going in a few weeks anyway

take a day or two with your mom without disctraction..have serious conversations that you cant do with a 3.5yr old running around

ya know

Message edited 2/12/2013 9:31:29 AM.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I would let him bring her.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

While i think arguing and fighting in front of children over long periods of time is harmful, I do not think some sadness is terrible. Quite honestly, sometimes a hug from a toddler and a reassurance of "It's ok Grandma" could be just the thing (even though she'd have no idea what the reassurance is for).

If your only concern is her emotional wellbeing from being around people who are sad, I say let your DH take her.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

if he really wants to he can...he wanted my opinion. Unfortunately, he is now upset with me for having a different opinion then him

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I would let him take her. Young children can bring smiles and distractions to his family.

3 is pretty young. I don't think my 3yo DS would know the difference between getting a bruise/small cut and surgery.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

she know about surgeries, hospital and stuff
Im more afraid of death and dying conversations...thats my MIL she is convinced shes dying already
While I am not ignorant at the fact that anything can happen and this is very serious. I come from a family in the field of oncology but I also know it could be something less horrible and just wish they would understand the power of positive though and have some strength before saying goodbyes. Get the biopsy first!

need advice...wwyd?

I would let him take her. I was in the same situation, except it was me who wanted to take DD OOS and DH against it. We finally agreed that she would come with me for the 2 weeks and I can't even express how many sizes my heart grew for DH that day :) Had I not brought her, my whole fa,ily would have been asking where she was and I would have had the task of trying to explain without DH looking like the "bad guy" in front of my family.

Of course, every situation is different, and I do think that if the roles were reversed, I'd have a hard time being away from DD, especially in an emotional situation where I wouldn't be there to walk her through what's going on. I also agree that it's counterproductive to go for the purpose of saying goodbyes. Frame it as a visit, not a goodbye!!

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Ok - If I read you post correctly, your ILs don't even know yet if there's anything to be crying over - correct?
And your DH is going there to talk to his Mom to convince her to deal w/ the 'what ifs' sooner, rather than later?

I TOTALLY see your POV, however, as devil's advocate, what if he didn't just talk to his Mom? What if he dragged her tush out to the park to play with her Granddaughter? Took her to the city to the American Girl store, took her for ice cream - the kind of things that are FOCUSED on a 3 year old child, that way, everyone is really hanging out w/ your DD, the focus is really on her, and the 3 year old has NO clue that she's being 'used' (for lack of a better word) to prove a point to her Grandma, and everyone is kind of forced to be on good behavior?

KWIM?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

That's your DH's mommy, who may be dying. I would let him bring the child. The child will bring so much joy to his family.

Re: need advice...wwyd?

Re: need advice...wwyd?

I would let him take her. My mom has lung cancer and she says everyday she fights for her life, because of my twins. If it wasn't because of them she said she would of given up already. Maybe it will give your MIL an incentive to get the surgery done and brighten her spirits a little. It's hard to go through something like this, but your DD might make a hard process a little easier for her.

Re: need advice...wwyd? updated

Thank you for all the replies and advice...
I booked thier flight

that everything is ok

need advice...wwyd? updated

wishing your family the best! I'm glad you let her go with DH, she will be a good distraction for everyone.

Re: need advice...wwyd? updated

tough one.

Yes, I'd let DD go with the hubby. Yes, I think that a child will push her to do what's right.

Is it wrong I used my daughter on my dad? At just over 3.5yrs my dad was seriously ill. I told AJ that he had some yucky in his leg that needs to be cut out so its not yucky anymore. She called my dad and asked him "Grandpa, is that yucky still in your leg?" of course some still was "So cut it out already" haha To my DD the idea of death because of something yucky in your leg didn't dawn on her. We didn't tell her he'd already been in surgery and it was life or death the first go around. We only clued her in after he was through most of the woods. But for a biopsy? Yeah I'd have told her. yes, I would have/will use her to make my father do things that he NEEDS to do for his own health. My dad thinks he's lived a good long life, every one is taken care of, he's good to go.

Its been months and my father is still not 100% and still has a hole in his leg that's closing up. She still calls him and asks if he takes his medicine like she does (hers is for allergies, his is not so fun) and she keeps up with him. She tells him "sometimes I'm too tired for my medicine but mama gives it to me anyway" all pouty and my dad tells her how its important she takes it so she can breathe better and she asks "Like your medicine makes you walk better, grandpa?"

I like to remind him that she's not done with him yet.

Best of luck