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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Ugh, so things have been HECTIC in my house
I had posted once before about DH asking me to step in and "help him" when he is disciplining miki. I would rather him put her in time out and then ignore her completely....I think this would work, may take some time and patience (being willing to listen to her flip out, scream, cry, etc) but I think it would work.
DH wants ME to spank her, not him, but ME. I feel like if he chooses to discipine her, then he needs to follow through (she listens better to him than me anyway) I do not want spanking to be my first reaction (I HAVE spanked her before and it DOES seem to work but I do not like how it makes me feel)
I feel that if DH chooses to discipline her, HE needs to follow through (put her in time out, if she gets up, put her back in time out, etc)
I just feel like we are working against each other, he is not willing to listen to her scream and cry so his "solution" is to spank her (well his solution is for ME to spank her, even if he is the one disciplining her)
how do you deal when you and DH are on 2 different wavelengths???
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Posted 7/12/10 2:38 PM  |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
It doesn't sound like you're on two different wavelengths - it sounds to me like he wants YOU to do his dirty work !!
Does he want you to spank her b/c he's afraid he will hurt her and hit her too hard or something?
I can understand him wanting you to back him up w/ the overall dicipline (Miki's in time out so BOTH mommy and daddy are ignoring her, or he sends her to her room and you don't go in there and tell her she can come out etc.)
But he wants to yell at her and they wants you to swoop in to do the spanking?
Why??
Doesn't seem fair to you at all !!
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:46 PM |
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saraH
happy birthday sweet kate!
Member since 5/05 16555 total posts
Name:
I know that God exsists, I held her in my arms...
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
It sucks, but DH has to be the one to follow through. He can't have you always be the "bad guy."
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:48 PM |
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
similar things happening in our house, and the result is a bratty 4 year old. it took DH witnessing DD#1 behaving badly in public for him to start getting on the same page as me.
it's important to be on the same page because even at a young age i think little ones know how to play one against the other. DH and i continuously talk and agree to certain approaches, but as soon as a new scenario comes up where he is clueless (sometimes i am as well) he defers to me but will execute whatever it is i suggest. it is absolutely important for him to do things as you do or else the manipulation will begin...you don't want and don't always have to be the "bad guy"!
it's a work in progress at our house, you are not alone!
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:49 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by MarisaK
It doesn't sound like you're on two different wavelengths - it sounds to me like he wants YOU to do his dirty work !!
Does he want you to spank her b/c he's afraid he will hurt her and hit her too hard or something?
I can understand him wanting you to back him up w/ the overall dicipline (Miki's in time out so BOTH mommy and daddy are ignoring her, or he sends her to her room and you don't go in there and tell her she can come out etc.)
But he wants to yell at her and they wants you to swoop in to do the spanking?
Why??
Doesn't seem fair to you at all !!
he makes alot of empty threats, such as "miki, if you do that again, you are going to get a spanking"...but then, he NEVER spanks her
Also, he will put her in time out and he expects her to sit there quietly. Instead, she cries, fusses, calls for me and then he says "can you help me out here"....I will go over to her and say "you need to listen to daddy, you have to stay in time out", etc
she continues to cry and scream and then he gets upset at ME for not being able to control her
it is a mess, I tell ya
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:50 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
I can tell you that having one parent do the spanking undermines the others authority.
my mom used to let my dad hit us. so if he wasn't home, we'd have to wait until he got home to get our beating.
it is the absolute LAST thing I would subject my son to.
first of all, now when miki miss behaves and your dh threatens spanking, YOU are the evil one. she will be come afraid of you. not your message. YOU.
and your dh's lack of strength to follow through will be read by Miki as a sign of weakness. even at a young age.
it's wrong. if he doesn't want to hit her, he doesn't make the threat.
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:52 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by Ophelia
it's wrong. if he doesn't want to hit her, he doesn't make the threat.
exactly, that is what I told him
the bottom line is he needs to be willing to listen to her scream and yell when she is in time out...I can listen to her yell for hours, I have NO problem with that, he cannot handle it
Miki is very attached to me (always has been). we do alot of fun things together and I always try to praise her when she is good. She is just WILLFULLY disobedient lately....three's suck, I though 2 was bad
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| Posted 7/12/10 2:54 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
DH took my spanking rights away about 8 months ago.
He does absolutely positively nothing to discipline this boy.
He loves that josh is so well behaved when they go out together...but i think he feels like all kids are.
DH has told me he will not be participating in anything having to do with disciplining these kids. Spanking, nothing over the knee, was taken away because he is so scared these kids won't like him for allowing me to spank them.
i think being a mom is hard. people want to see good kids, they just don't want to witness the dirty work behind it.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:01 PM |
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Kate
*****
Member since 5/05 7557 total posts
Name:
Kate
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Time outs don't really work for us. We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:03 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by Kate
We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
this is something else that I am going to implement, she loves her toys so I plan to try this tactic too
but again, DH has to be willing to listen to her cry when I take "fuzzy" away for the day
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:10 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by pinkandblue
Posted by Kate
We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
this is something else that I am going to implement, she loves her toys so I plan to try this tactic too
but again, DH has to be willing to listen to her cry when I take "fuzzy" away for the day
Chris is the same way. I have to tell him to ignore her and it is much harder for him to do this than for me to-must be men.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:14 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by pinkandblue
Posted by MarisaK
It doesn't sound like you're on two different wavelengths - it sounds to me like he wants YOU to do his dirty work !!
Does he want you to spank her b/c he's afraid he will hurt her and hit her too hard or something?
I can understand him wanting you to back him up w/ the overall dicipline (Miki's in time out so BOTH mommy and daddy are ignoring her, or he sends her to her room and you don't go in there and tell her she can come out etc.)
But he wants to yell at her and they wants you to swoop in to do the spanking?
Why??
Doesn't seem fair to you at all !!
he makes alot of empty threats, such as "miki, if you do that again, you are going to get a spanking"...but then, he NEVER spanks her
Also, he will put her in time out and he expects her to sit there quietly. Instead, she cries, fusses, calls for me and then he says "can you help me out here"....I will go over to her and say "you need to listen to daddy, you have to stay in time out", etc
she continues to cry and scream and then he gets upset at ME for not being able to control her
it is a mess, I tell ya
This would drive me absolutely flucking batty! First off you guys need to discuss this at a calm time-not in the middle of a disciplinary action. We already gave you our advice
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:16 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by Janice
DH took my spanking rights away about 8 months ago.
He does absolutely positively nothing to discipline this boy.
He loves that josh is so well behaved when they go out together...but i think he feels like all kids are.
DH has told me he will not be participating in anything having to do with disciplining these kids. Spanking, nothing over the knee, was taken away because he is so scared these kids won't like him for allowing me to spank them.
i think being a mom is hard. people want to see good kids, they just don't want to witness the dirty work behind it.
 How does he think he got so well behaved
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:17 PM |
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mom2mgn
Love my family
Member since 2/08 2267 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
It sounds like you are having a lot of the same issues we are having at our house.
DH doesn't follow through.
DH tells me to back him up all the time!!!! It drives me crazy. Then it turns into me punishing DS for something that DS did to DH or while DH was watching him and thus, I'm the bad person all the time.
There are also times, recently, where Dh and I begin to argue about the time out or the punishment or who is suppose to discipline DS all right in front of DS. I caught DS watching and listening to us. We need to stop that. So, I told DH we would discuss later.
Have you had a serious talk with DH about any of this? I find, DH and I never talk about it until it's actually happening and that's making things worse and DS is catching on.
The two of you need to be a team but you're working against each other and Miki is going to take advantage. It's so hard, I know because I'm right there with you.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:18 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by pinkandblue
Posted by Kate
We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
this is something else that I am going to implement, she loves her toys so I plan to try this tactic too
but again, DH has to be willing to listen to her cry when I take "fuzzy" away for the day
You know what Steph-he will just have to deal-go outside, go for a ride whatever. Her whole tactic is that she knows you guys will either give in or start arguing and take the focus off of her. She's smart. Explain to him what we said-about teh month thing. Try it and see what happens
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:19 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by DRMom
Posted by pinkandblue
Posted by Kate
We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
this is something else that I am going to implement, she loves her toys so I plan to try this tactic too
but again, DH has to be willing to listen to her cry when I take "fuzzy" away for the day
You know what Steph-he will just have to deal-go outside, go for a ride whatever. Her whole tactic is that she knows you guys will either give in or start arguing and take the focus off of her. She's smart. Explain to him what we said-about teh month thing. Try it and see what happens
yup, that is what I plan to do, talk to him while he is calm and let him know that we need to try this and see how she does....I will tell him to do that EXACT same thing I used to do when she would be CIO in her crib...
DO THE DISHES with the water running or go outside or for a car ride, etc
Even when miki is getting into trouble, she is still getting attention, I think totally ignoring her when she is acting like that would work 
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:29 PM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by CrankyPants
Chris is the same way. I have to tell him to ignore her and it is much harder for him to do this than for me to-must be men.
um nope - I can listen to mine scream and cry all day when they don't get their way 
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:38 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by DRMom
Posted by Janice
DH took my spanking rights away about 8 months ago.
He does absolutely positively nothing to discipline this boy.
He loves that josh is so well behaved when they go out together...but i think he feels like all kids are.
DH has told me he will not be participating in anything having to do with disciplining these kids. Spanking, nothing over the knee, was taken away because he is so scared these kids won't like him for allowing me to spank them.
i think being a mom is hard. people want to see good kids, they just don't want to witness the dirty work behind it.
How does he think he got so well behaved
he's a nut! i don't think he has ever seen a kid throw a tantrum.
honestly, the only time josh gets "in trouble" is when he doesn't sit for his nebulizer treatments. he gets sent to his room...which isn't fair at all, but what are you going to do?
we also don't do "bedtime" I think josh would be fresh then and a monster would come out if i ever put him in bed and said good night, he would probably kick my a$$.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:42 PM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by Janice
Posted by DRMom
Posted by Janice
DH took my spanking rights away about 8 months ago.
He does absolutely positively nothing to discipline this boy.
He loves that josh is so well behaved when they go out together...but i think he feels like all kids are.
DH has told me he will not be participating in anything having to do with disciplining these kids. Spanking, nothing over the knee, was taken away because he is so scared these kids won't like him for allowing me to spank them.
i think being a mom is hard. people want to see good kids, they just don't want to witness the dirty work behind it.
How does he think he got so well behaved
he's a nut! i don't think he has ever seen a kid throw a tantrum.
honestly, the only time josh gets "in trouble" is when he doesn't sit for his nebulizer treatments. he gets sent to his room...which isn't fair at all, but what are you going to do?
we also don't do "bedtime" I think josh would be fresh then and a monster would come out if i ever put him in bed and said good night, he would probably kick my a$$.
OMG how does he go to sleep? If I didn't have bedtime I would have nothing to look forward to
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:48 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
he is told that I am done being his mother and to go upstairs. I don't care what he does up there, he usually passes out playing trains or reading.
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:51 PM |
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Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys
Member since 5/05 9306 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by saraH
It sucks, but DH has to be the one to follow through. He can't have you always be the "bad guy."
Agreed! If he feels spanking is the answer (and you agree with this method) he has to be the one to administer.
My DH complains that DS doenst listen to him and its because he NEVER follows through. We dont spank but if DS does something DH just says NO and if that doesnt work, there really is no more discipline except to call me. And I REFUSE to step in. I am the bad guy enough I am not going to step in when DH is the one who should be doing it!
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:53 PM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by saraH
It sucks, but DH has to be the one to follow through. He can't have you always be the "bad guy."
Exactly...its not fair to you! 
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| Posted 7/12/10 3:54 PM |
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Have him talk to me I'm the one who has to pump sense into the dads of families I work with.
My motto I live by with my kids (and other kids) is this:
If you SAY it, you MUST DO it. Don't want to do it? Don't say it!
Always choose your words wisely. Before you threaten, think - am I:
Able to do this?
Want to do this?
Ready to deal wit the aftermath?
If there are too many no's, keep your mouth shut!
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| Posted 7/12/10 6:56 PM |
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summerBaby10
let's be nice
Member since 9/07 10208 total posts
Name:
Wifey
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Posted by pinkandblue
Posted by Kate
We threaten to take toys away to get better behavior. And then we follow through with taking them away, and this usually works.
this is something else that I am going to implement, she loves her toys so I plan to try this tactic too
but again, DH has to be willing to listen to her cry when I take "fuzzy" away for the day
Can I just say that this is what my parents did when we were kids. They took away everything we loved when we got into trouble. My most favorite thing was the TV as a kid. I got into so much trouble one time (this happend many times) that he cut the tv wire so that I couldn't plug it back in when he was at work. He wouldn't fix it until we proved that we could be "good" & a week later he'd fix it. Taking our things away hurt more than being spanked.
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| Posted 7/12/10 7:14 PM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: Need advice / support - DH and I are on different pages re: discipline
Wow so your husband doesn't want to be the bad guy huh? He'd rather you be the bad guy all the time?!?!?!?!
No way!!!! If he is disciplining her, then he needs to follow it from beginning to end. You stepping in and spanking her will only confuse her and make you out to be the bad guy instead of you both working as a team. If you're not on the same page as each other, she will pick up on that and it will only make things worse IMO.
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| Posted 7/12/10 8:51 PM |
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