moms with IL problems..

as you read...my life has been turned upside down the last week bc of them and I am really highly charged and not enjoying too much right now. Tomm. I get my staples out and am going to my house and locking my doors! They have continued to intrude into my parents home without asking etc... DH has passively done what most of you girls suggested but I guess its just not conveyed well or not understood. My question I guess is...now that I am going home...what exactly is fair game. I mean they are the grandparents but they truly drove me nuts this week, didnt care at all, and are overwhelming to me. I even feel weekly visits is too much from them.

Re: moms with IL problems..

Don't answer the phone and don't asnwer the door.

If they are not taking what DH says seriously you need to tell them point blank that they are too much right now, and you need time as a family of three to bond with your child and get your routine down at your own house!

Re: moms with IL problems..

To not start an all out war from the get go this is what I would do...

1) Tell them that when you get home you would like a little time to settle in.
2) Let them know that a phone call would be needed before stopping by.
3) Tell your DH this is BS....this should be some of the HAPPIEST days of your life. His passive aggressiveness is putting the burden of dealing with HIS family all on you...NOT COOL.
4) If being diplomatic isn't working and the IL's are not following your wishes (giving you space, calling before making visits) then if DH won't do it you have to be very BLUNT with them. Tell them their behavior is putting alot of stress on you which in turn is not good for their grandchild.

I feel for you...this is a sticky situation....that can turn ugly, but if handled properly by first trying to appeal to their human side could turn out good......lots of luck and take time to ENJOY that baby of yours....she is a gift

Re: moms with IL problems..

Not sure if you have read any of my IL posts ever...

But I go through very similar situations...

Ds was ripped from my arms- as soon as I got into my room (which they were in before I was)
Were continually here daily after I came home from the hospital...
I was told that my choosing to BF DS was wrong, and that I was basically doing an injustice by doing so (Stupid uneducated people- when I tell you she'd question me and torture me with this- you have no idea)

My IL's are compleltly overbearing, deamanding, and TRUELY believe my son is their son...

To this day- She tells me- how things are gonna go... My DH has laid things out for her a few times- but she just views that as me- telling DH to do it, so she never takes him seriously...

My only advice is this:

Call them out as you see it...

You are never gonna change them, and not to rain on your parade, but for the most part this is your life now...

The only thing you may be able to do- is calm them down.... at least for a short while after speaking with them...

If they call and say they are coming by- turn to them and say NO THIS IS NOT A GOOD time...

If they show up at your door... you will answer and say Im sorry you cant come in right now, and next time Id appreciate a call first...

Be firm and to the point... I know it wont be easy- but for that point in time- It will keep them out of your house and your hair... Im sure they'll be po'd- but who cares...

Im not sure if your IL's are as intrusive as mine- but when I tell you I have tried everything, and NOTHING works- Im not kidding...

Again- your not gonna change (at least I cant change mine) so you have to live in the moment- and take care of each situation individually...

Im sorry your IL's S UCK-

Re: moms with IL problems..

I think your DH needs to sit them down and say "you can't just come over anytime you feel like it". You have to call first to let us know you want to visit. If they get upset, oh well, your house, your rules. They need to realize that you and your DH and baby need some alone time to bond together. Don't let them push you guys over because you'll be more miserable.
DH needs to realize he has to stand up them, no more of this passive stuff, it doesn't work
Good luck, if they still drive you insane, tell them you're tired and so is the baby and take her into your room and shut the door (lock it too if you can!)

Re: moms with IL problems..

Re: moms with IL problems..

Posted by Princessmaris

Not sure if you have read any of my IL posts ever...

But I go through very similar situations...

Ds was ripped from my arms- as soon as I got into my room (which they were in before I was)
Were continually here daily after I came home from the hospital...
I was told that my choosing to BF DS was wrong, and that I was basically doing an injustice by doing so (Stupid uneducated people- when I tell you she'd question me and torture me with this- you have no idea)

My IL's are compleltly overbearing, deamanding, and TRUELY believe my son is their son...

To this day- She tells me- how things are gonna go... My DH has laid things out for her a few times- but she just views that as me- telling DH to do it, so she never takes him seriously...

My only advice is this:

Call them out as you see it...

You are never gonna change them, and not to rain on your parade, but for the most part this is your life now...

The only thing you may be able to do- is calm them down.... at least for a short while after speaking with them...

If they call and say they are coming by- turn to them and say NO THIS IS NOT A GOOD time...

If they show up at your door... you will answer and say Im sorry you cant come in right now, and next time Id appreciate a call first...

Be firm and to the point... I know it wont be easy- but for that point in time- It will keep them out of your house and your hair... Im sure they'll be po'd- but who cares...

Im not sure if your IL's are as intrusive as mine- but when I tell you I have tried everything, and NOTHING works- Im not kidding...

Again- your not gonna change (at least I cant change mine) so you have to live in the moment- and take care of each situation individually...

Im sorry your IL's S UCK-

Re: moms with IL problems..

It is definitely your DH's job to reign them in. Keep on him about it's his place to talk to his family. If he doesn't, then you should.

Right now I think the idea of weekly visits is overwhelming because of their actions this past week. Rather than go the passive aggressive route & not answer the phone, I would tell them flat out, "I need time alone with my baby." If they don't get it & show up, then follow Marissa's advice & say you can't come in right now.

It will
1. make them call if they want to see their grandchild.
2. set the ground rules that she's not the mama & you are in charge.

She may complain, ***** & raise a huge fuss, but you'll have what you want. I wouldn't burn the bridge because it is her grandchild & you may need help down the line. Also she may one day give advice that you could find helpful.

If you don't say something now, the relationship may become so destructive, that the next step is to stop contact. I don't think either sides want that.

Re: moms with IL problems..

Posted by Moehick

To not start an all out war from the get go this is what I would do...

1) Tell them that when you get home you would like a little time to settle in.
2) Let them know that a phone call would be needed before stopping by.
3) Tell your DH this is BS....this should be some of the HAPPIEST days of your life. His passive aggressiveness is putting the burden of dealing with HIS family all on you...NOT COOL.
4) If being diplomatic isn't working and the IL's are not following your wishes (giving you space, calling before making visits) then if DH won't do it you have to be very BLUNT with them. Tell them their behavior is putting alot of stress on you which in turn is not good for their grandchild.

I feel for you...this is a sticky situation....that can turn ugly, but if handled properly by first trying to appeal to their human side could turn out good......lots of luck and take time to ENJOY that baby of yours....she is a gift

Re: moms with IL problems..

Posted by Princessmaris

Not sure if you have read any of my IL posts ever...

But I go through very similar situations...

Ds was ripped from my arms- as soon as I got into my room (which they were in before I was)
Were continually here daily after I came home from the hospital...
I was told that my choosing to BF DS was wrong, and that I was basically doing an injustice by doing so (Stupid uneducated people- when I tell you she'd question me and torture me with this- you have no idea)

My IL's are compleltly overbearing, deamanding, and TRUELY believe my son is their son...

To this day- She tells me- how things are gonna go... My DH has laid things out for her a few times- but she just views that as me- telling DH to do it, so she never takes him seriously...

My only advice is this:

Call them out as you see it...

You are never gonna change them, and not to rain on your parade, but for the most part this is your life now...

The only thing you may be able to do- is calm them down.... at least for a short while after speaking with them...

If they call and say they are coming by- turn to them and say NO THIS IS NOT A GOOD time...

If they show up at your door... you will answer and say Im sorry you cant come in right now, and next time Id appreciate a call first...

Be firm and to the point... I know it wont be easy- but for that point in time- It will keep them out of your house and your hair... Im sure they'll be po'd- but who cares...

Im not sure if your IL's are as intrusive as mine- but when I tell you I have tried everything, and NOTHING works- Im not kidding...

Again- your not gonna change (at least I cant change mine) so you have to live in the moment- and take care of each situation individually...

Im sorry your IL's S UCK-

Re: moms with IL problems..

Ugh I remember the threats on "I'm going to go poke him awake." Errrrr....

I told her with a smile "If you wake him up, you mayl have just enough time to get a glimpse before you're kicked out."

So, so annoying! Best of luck!!

eta and confiscate the flash the minute that man walks in the house.

Message edited 12/3/2006 11:02:14 PM.