MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Okay so I need some advice....
My MIL lives OOT and this will be her 1st grandchild (our 1st born). My DH told me that she is planning on coming to "stay" with us for a week after is born! While I dont mind her company...I just think we will have alot to adjust to in the beggining.
Maybe Im wrong...maybe the extra help will be useful, I just dont want her hoarding over while we are supposed to be resting and bonding.
My Mom lives 10 minutes away so I know she will be around, but she is not planning on "staying" here for a week!!
I cant tell her not to come....but really...how should I handle this?

TIA

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Hmm.. that's tough!

I'm sure she only wants to help.. but what if you tell her you really want the first week that baby is here to yourselves so you can bond and adjust, etc. I think it's a totally reasonable request. Ask her to come the next week instead? By that time I'm sure you'll welcome her with open arms lol... HTH!

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

i honestly think that you will 100% appreciate her being there - however, you can always tell her that the first few days you'd like to try it 'out' on your own and if you need her you will not hesitate to call...

my mom was here for a week after Emma was born and it truly helped a LOT! I wished she could've stayed longer and i cried when she left...

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Thanks...I am sure I will appreciate her help, but I think I will hint that after the 1st week is fine. I dont want to offend her or DH because she is super excited about her 1st grand!

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I would ask DH to tell her thank you for the offer but you'd really like to settle in before having house guests and maybe she can come (insert another week here). Or maybe DH has a sibling she can stay with so she's not around all the time?

Especially with your own mom not far away, it seems presumptuous that she wouldn't even ASK if you needed help but TELL you she was coming.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

After DD was born my MIL and FIL (MIL doesn't drive) came to my house every day for a week. Before I gave birth I was really against it because I felt like I would have to entertain them. Well it turns out they were sooooo much help. My MIL cooked, cleaned, took care of the baby so I could sleep. My FIL did shopping for us and took me back and forth to the dr (I had a c-section and could not drive and my incision got infected so I had to go to the dr every couple of days).

I think you will appreciate the help when she is there.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Well, you have to do what you feel comfortable with, but my mom stayed with me after my DD was born for about a week, and she was invaluable. She did all the cleaning, cooking, food shopping, laundry, etc. She only took care of the baby when I asked her to so I could get some sleep. So maybe you could have to be in charge of all of those things? But it all comes down to personal preference. Some people want to be alone with their husband and new baby and others welcome the help. It all depends on what you and DH want. Personally, I found the help to be something I never would have thought I needed, but was so grateful for.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I think it will depend on your MIL. When mine was here I had to pick up after her, as well as cook for her etc. I didn't even get to take a shower until DH came home from work.

She thought she was doing me a favor since DH went back to work after 2 weeks, but she just made things worse. With this baby she is NOT welcome to spend the night or the entire day here, I won't be able to handle it.

However if your MIL is like my mom and helps with cooking, cleaning, and the baby, then you will def. LOVE the help!

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I would have a little issue with it but with ds we limited the amount of help and visitors the first few weeks and i plan on doing the same with #2... to be honest, while help is nice, if it isnt permanent than it is only delaying the inevitable of getting into a routine and adjusting.... i have a gf whose mother took her baby every other night for the first two weeks.. and while she liked the help it took longer for them to adjust to having a baby and when her mother stopped with the help they had to then deal.... dh also only took 8 days off when ds was born.... he will do the same this time unless i have a c/s which then will only be because ds doesnt walk so i wont be able to carry him...

but we aer also the couple who didnt tell anyone ds was born for 5 hours after he was born so we could have family bonding time.... it really is purely a preference of what you want

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Well I told my MIL not to come. We did it in a nice way but NO way was I dealing with having company (in our case in a small apartment) right after baby came...

ETA: In hindsight, it was 100% the right decision!

Message edited 12/27/2009 8:58:29 AM.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Is there time for you guys to secretly move?

I have a similar situation, we live OOS now and will be having family come visit us including my PITA MIL. I've already made it clear to her though that we will need sometime to bond as a family of 4 before we invite out of town guests into our home so she's not allowed to book a flight until DH and I approve. Of course I can get away with saying this because my own mother won't be able to come visit us until about a month after the baby is born (my MIL wanted to hop on a plane the second I go into labor )

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

My MIL lives OOT also. She wanted to come the week I got home but I said no. I wanted that time to adjust and knew my emotions would be all over the place. So instead she came a few weeks later. She was a really big help but I was ready for her to go home once the week was up!

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

My mom and m-i-l always came over the week after I had my babies. They did not hog the baby at all! They made sure DH and I got rest, with or without the baby, cooked us dinner, served us dinner, took care of the house and when it was #2, watched DD. They watched the baby just so I couldnt shower (which is very hard to find time to do in the beginning).

I wish my mom was here to help this time around and just be here to keep me company

BUT I do think it depends on the person. Not all moms and m-i-l's will act the same as mine and some WILL be overbearing.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I am OOS and hoping I get some help-this is my first and I nervous, especially if I have a C-section! But it is all about your comfort. Anyone coming knows I am absolutely not entertaining when they come.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

We were alone for a week after I had DD, then my MIL came to stay with us for a couple weeks. I felt that was perfect. We had a chance to get used to the three of us. By the time she had arrived, the exhaustion had just started to set in and the house was needing attention so having an extra set of hands was very welcomed and appreciated.

(MIL was our first visitor after DD was born, all of our families live OOS so we were literally on our own.)

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

My mom took vacation and came for 2 weeks after I had DD, she did not spend the night but I really needed her help

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I actually aksed my MIL to come stay with us when DH goes back to work!! From what I have heard, most BTDT moms say take the help if someone offers...Hopefully you have a good relationship with her, that is what really makes the difference...Good luck!

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

honestly, both of our Moms live about 15 min. away from us and I didn't want them here when we got home from the hospital with DD1. They respectfully let us come home but were both here about 15-30 min. later. While they didn't stay over it was so great having them here often and they were so helpful! DH didn't know what to do when my hormones went nuts and I couldn't get BFing to work out...they were such a great support...plus they did laundry, cleaned, and made/brought food.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

My MIL lives in the same town but isn't like that. She probably wouldn't come over unless we invited her. My Mom, on the other hand, lives in Myrtle Beach and wants to stay with me for a week or two when the baby comes. I told her that I didn't need her when I had my DD, why would I need her now?. lol I know it sounds mean, but I didn't say it like that. I know she wants to come to take care of ME and not the baby but my DH will stay home for the first week and I think my house will be crowded. I told her that she can stay with my sister and come over any time she wants. I just don't want her staying with us.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

I agree that it will be valuable to have help but it sounds like you've got that mostly covered since ur mom is so close. Maybe you could tell her that ur mom took the first week off work or something to come help and you appreciate her offer so much but you were hoping she could come the 2nd week so that all that "help" gets spread out and not wasted? Otherwise you will have 2 grannys for the first week and none for the second? Even if it's a little bit of a white lie... I would probably be super overwhelmed by both moms being around constantly too.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell her now. That is the only way it is going to get resolved.

Her feelings may be hurt, but you need time for yourself and your DC.

Re: MIL plans to stay over after DS arrives

as someone who cried from exhaustion every night the first week DS was home, let me tell you to TAKE THE HELP AND SAY THANK YOU. you're going to need it!