I need support- so lost.

Hi everyone
I've been on here awhile, lurking for sometime before I spoke up but I could use everyone's help. Aside from the obvious emotions of anger, sadness, hope, (plus the ones you can't describe), I now feel like I'm in despair.

DH and I are hs sweethearts and have always been 100% together on everything-until this. I was diagnosed with MS in 2007. Didn't start ttc until May of 2010 with a CBEFM. All is normal. AF normal, O normal etc. In August 2010 I begin making calls for RE.

DH doesn't agree with going to see RE until I had to force him this April, 2011. All tests normal, it's determined Unexplained IF.

RE is Dr. H who back in April, wanted to get the ball rolling with Clomid and IUI. I was so gung-ho! DH was not. Like an idiot, I let him convince me to try naturally for 3 more months. I figured maybe I'd get a puppy or a Coach bag in exchange.

No clomid, Nothing- I had a chemical in May, which misleads him into thinking he's right. In June, I get great news at RE- big follie, come in tomorrow for your first natural cycle IUI..... whoa- shocked but I am IN! You guessed it, DH is not.

I have been bitter and angry and resentful of him since then. I've tried to be understanding and loving. We still have a good relationship but it's so strained since then. The summer has passed us by without a BFP.

It's time to go back to RE. We took the summer off to try and mend our relationship and work out the kinks. He's not refusing this time, but he doesn't seem "all-in" to me. He says he wants lots of kids but never expected this to happen to us. Is it normal that I want to punch him? How does he think I feel?

Has anyone ever re-started with an RE before? What can I expect?

Message edited 8/20/2011 10:53:45 PM.

Re: I need support- so lost.

has he ever gone with you to a docs appointment?

i think that is very helpful to hear it from a medical perspective bc you KNOW inside he is freaking out no matter what he says!!!! its very hard for men to deal with.

has he had a sperm analysis etc?
men freak out at having to give specimins etc...

and while i dont have sympathy compared to what we have been through....these men at times are fragile strange creatures that at times need to be poked, prodded or stabbed in the head if all else fails.

btw i dont know who dr h is.... so i cant help you there lol

but i think a reevaluation a WITH dh being there and if that fails...then perhaps a bit of counseling ?

i hear you and feel you!! xoxox

Re: I need support- so lost.

Thanks so much. We've been to all 3 docs together- the ob/gyn, the RE and urologist. We always went together for testing to show support.

His issue, more than anything, is that he wants to conceive the old fashioned way. I am almost 36 and he is too. By being off my MS therapy this long, I am at risk for a relapse. I am so ready to be a mom, I'm willing to do anything. He is ready too, and I can't understand his hangup.

So many of our friends and cousins have been through this. He won't talk to any of them about it.

I see a therapist once a week.

Re: I need support- so lost.

While going through unexplained IF for two plus years I went to counseling and acupuncture while DH picked up other hobbies like running. My therapist said it was very common and a good, healthy outlet. However, although he was supportive, he was not expressive which was hard for me. He came with me to any appt. I wanted and had no problems going for testing. He just could not talk about how it made him feel. Last winter we did IVF 3dt and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. We still have ups and downs in regards to emotions b/c in some way IF has scarred both of us, yet made us MUCH stronger. What I am learning is men are just sooooo different then women- both in how they express themselves and how they handle stressful situations. All I can say is many women out there can relate. I would def talk to your therapist about this as well as your doc. Wishing you lots of luck!!!

Re: I need support- so lost.

I'm sorry

My DH said he would do anything I wanted, but at the same time, whenever I needed him to go to an appt or anything, he acted SO inconvenienced. I posted about it a few weeks ago. I was so hurt and angry and felt so alone. I have to say, since we did IVF, he's a different person. I think seeing all the needles and everything I've gone through really turned him around.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are NOT alone. Guys just don't get it sometimes, you know? But we're here for you.

Re: I need support- so lost.

hmmm i think men WANT to concieve naturally just like we do.... but add in the MS and him lagging behind...honestly imo ..its shiit or get off the pot already.
i knwo you cant force anyone but if he is going to do this...he has to be all in. not that he cant freak out or be moody if he is inconvenienced (lol) about having to go to an appt.

i really hope this works out for you.
its sooo hard and painful even now and i have been doing this a while.
we often have to have talks to reevaluate how we feel etc or we can kill each other easily!

Re: I need support- so lost.

first..i am so sorry you guys r going through this..

second..i just think u need to have a old fashioned talk with him..say..would i like to be one of those girls who just get to have sex once or twice and get pregnant..yes of course..but that is not us..and yes it is a bitter pill to swallow but every second we waste is a second we could have used toward becomong parents..which is what this is all about

IF can be a long and hard process..it has drained me in ways i didnt know i could be drained and i do not think i would have gotten through these past 18 months without my husband being on the same page as me

he is the one who holds me when the test is negative..all the doc appts the meds etc etc..i need him there 100 percent with me

good luck

Re: I need support- so lost.

Without boring you to pieces on my long too old/wrong doctor/missed diagnosis etc... I think every DH is against all of this. I have gone beyond my eggs and I never thought in a million years my DH would come along with me. And each time I had to push (including starting with an RE) he didn't want to do it. But, what I found works with my DH is: I have to talk to him (try not to get emotional but it can't be helped here). The first conversation always starts off where he's "NO WAY". 2nd conversation doesn't do much better. But, as long as I try to explain my feelings and what I think and then I shut up. End the conversation. Don't talk about it for 2 wks and then go back to it. Most of the time he doesn't even react to anything I say, which gets me more upset. And then...like some weird Twilight Episode he's all for it. I am telling you he just needs time. We've done 4 IVF's with no luck and DH still thinks we can do it naturally. Because, like you, we did once which ended in MC. So, in between all cycles I've had to delay everything (I started at 37 and not to scare you but I'm now 43!!!!). We're now about to do something really advanced and something I never thought I would do. And he didn't want to but last week he told me he was excited. Now I just hope back up plan F comes through for us. Cause I don't have any options left. Good luck. He'll come around. I've seen this soooooo many times.

Re: I need support- so lost.

Like many of the women said, men are programmed differently and sometimes not very supportive when they are tossed into an unknown situation. When the time came to see an RE DH was all in. BUT when talks about Artificial Insemination and IVF came up he shut down, he wanted to try a little longer the natural way. After many fights, discussions, tears, etc, the reason behind all of it is that he did not "like" the term artificial insemination. If he would have just said something at first, all of that could have been avoided. But being the man he is, he refuses to open up, does nto want to cummincate his concerns. I made an appt with the RE to better explalin the process and DH agreed and was all in. Now with IVF he is on board, but has told me that after our first successful IVF he wants to just try natural, no more fertility treatments, nothing. Of course this is an issue, but after reading a lot of the posts from the women on here, I realized that I am just going to cross that bridge when we get there.

A serious talk with your husband is needed. If he expects you to go along with his wish to wait, then he needs to be completely open/honest and let you know what his reservations are.

You are justified in feeling the way you do. It is not like he told you to not buy a new pair of shoes, he is asking you to put your dream to be a mother on hold.

Good luck, I hope things work out and you and your husband get on the same page.

Re: I need support- so lost.

So many of us ladies go through struggles with resistant DH's. My DH threw up many road blocks during our IF journey. In fact, we ended up in couples therapy before he finally agreed to IVF. Long story short, we have a 2 year old DD whom he adores and are now trying for a second child. I recommend couples therapy to help get on the same page. Time is precious when it comes to IF. You don't want to waste too much time, especially if you want more than one child.

update

Thanks to everyone who has responded. His issue just was that he wanted to conceive the old fashioned way, and really couldn't believe it didn't happen. Um, hello- don't we all feel that way?


He understands the pressure I am under for my health, and he knows that I've given him the 3 months he had asked for. We took the summer off, and, tomorrow we go back to the RE. He's sad but he isn't totally standing firm against it anymore. I basically sat him down and said: "I need you to be supportive, to do what I ask you to do, and just believe this is for the best." He trusts me and said he's in. now

Please tell me if this is ok to ask the RE:
Can we try a medicated timed BD?

Do we have to do IUI first?

Can we try a natural cycle IUI first?

I'd rather not take meds if I don't need them- I ovulate regularly. Are these dumb questions?

more

By the way, we have the same serious talk/fight/cry/screaming thing every single month. I've tried all of the diff. techniques my therapist gave me, used good words, begged... etc. It wasn't enough. I don't look sick, and MS is so deceiving. He didn't know my hidden fears about relapsing becuse I don't show it.

The clincher and convincer was that I told him I felt like I needed my medication again because my legs are weak. I told him that turning 36 in 2 weeks was going to put us at greater risk of birth defects/genetic issues/etc. and that it was our only hope.

That, and his cousin, also 36 just told us his wife is pregnant- after their third IUI. hmmm

Re: I need support- so lost.

Like what most of the girls have said, i think most DHs have a harder time dealing with the fact that the old fashioned way might not work. But glad to hear he's now more on board than before and he will probably get comfortable with everything as time goes.

as for your questions, i dont think there is such a thing as a dumb question to ask the RE! write down all the questions both you and DH have before your visit.

good luck