i completely lost it the other nite....

i couldnt breathe, thats how much i was hysterically crying.... going back to work...some of u know that i am a cop (NYPD) and i took that last YEAR, yes, year, off to be with and riase DD. well, now the time has come, september 10th, to go back to work- and it hit me the other nite. i was so depressed, crying so hard, i am going to miss hannah so much! we dont even know what shifts are going to work for us- do i go to midnights and risk getting no sleep (esp when we are planning a pregnancy?) do i work the afternoon shift (3pm-11pm) and never get to put my little girl down for bed- dinner- all that great stuff u do at nite- or do i work during the day, missing her all day long, not getting to see her face in the morning, getting home at 5, and doing to nite stuff with her? its all up in the air, and quite depressing, to be honest... (barb, i was telling this to you yesterday)....

how do u girls do it? the ones that go back!? i wish i could stay at home, but again, as some of u know, we are dwelling in an apt right now (a huge 2 BR, but still, an apt), and we are looking and looking for houses, and no, we cant afford a nouse on his salary....

working moms, tell me im going to be able to cope! it wont be for TOO long- since we are planning a pregnancy anytime soon, and so im going back to work for another year and taking another year off to raise the baby, and ill be with hannah from ages 2-3!

TIA for hearing my depression out- i cant IMAGINE what i am going to be like the nite before i go back to work, thinking, tomorrow i am going back to work, and ill be away from hannah for 10 hours! (my first 2 weeks i have no choice but to work the day bc i have to go back to the academy!)


ps- a side note, someone tell me not to worry- i am on day 42, no period, no POSITIVE tests (2 negative this past week)- what is going on with my cycle? will i ever get my period again so that HELLO, i can fertilize an egg at the next ovulation? ugh! BFing moms help welcome- i stopped BFing completely in june, and have only gotten my period once since then, (BUT, i did start getting my period in december and have had it about 6 times).....

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

Message edited 11/24/2007 10:09:10 PM.

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

I remember feeling exactly like you are right now in the weeks leading up resuming going back to work and the boys still were not sleeping through the night. It was horrible. However, i will say, once you get back into the groove of things it really gets easier. yes you will feel sad and guilty about leaving your little one (or ones in my case) but in the end you do what you have to do to support your little ones.

I know it does not seem like it now and won't the first few weeks back, but I promise you it does get better.

Hang in there

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

I remember having all of those feelings - i was lucky enough to be off for a year with my twins, so the thought of leaving them terrified me - I was going thru the same thing this time last year, just like you - I went back in September.

Now its almost a year and I can't believe how the time has flown by, and i can't believe I am okay with leaving them.

I cried for 2 full weeks when I came back to work -(i work days) - but eventually we adjusted and now I feel as though I appreciate them even more, if that was even possible!

I cherish every minute I have with them - and I have found that I have a lot more patience with them now that I am not with them day in and day out.

You will be fine - I promise you that - eventually you will work into a routine.
If I had a choice of all those shifts - I would pick the daytime - its so important to me to be able to give them baths and put them to bed at night.

Good Luck!

Message edited 8/18/2007 7:31:03 PM.

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

We've been there, we know. I do think it's different going back to an office job versus going back to being a cop. I gave you tons of credit & many hugs & prayers that you are safe.

How did I do it?

I just did. I got up every day & went in. Some days it absolutely sucked, some days it wasn't so bad & other days I loved it. Then just repeat that until you get a positive pregnancy test.

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

Gosh...change is so hard...especially when it impacts our family. I agree....it was heartbreaking to return to work and leave DD but I did it. You will be okay. Just give yourself time to fell what you are feeling and enjoy all of the time that you do get with Hannah. I bet you will find that ALL of your time with her will be quality and it will outweigh quantity.

You can also look at it as a temporary situation since you will conceive again & take off another year. It might help to keep in mind that you are working towards a better life for your family. Hopefully you'll be a family of four before you know it and be a homeowner too!!!

Hang in there!

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

I have no real words of wisdom for you, I just wanted to send you some HUGS to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope it gets easier. I grew up with my dad being in NYPD and he worked Midnight to 8 for over 20 years because he said he would give up sleep to be with us. You have to do what's best for your family, can you try a rotating schedule to start off so that you can get back on track?

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

It IS extremely hard to go back to work once you have a baby, and I can't imagine how hard it'll be after being home for a year, but I can tell you that I've been home three months with Ava and I'm not looking forward to September, either.
It does get easier though. Once you establish a routine, and you know what to expect, it becomes easier. It definitely is nice, too, to be able to stop on the way to work and get a cup of coffee or run into the store without having to take the baby out of the car, bring her in, juggle everything with one hand, etc. So, there are some nice things about it.
It's never easy being away from Ava, but I leave her in very capable hands everyday (my husband stays home during the day and works nights ), and I look at it as good time for her to form a bond with him. That alone makes me feel a lot better. I don't know who you will be leaving Hannah with, but you can know that it is very healthy for her to form relationships with other people.
I don't know if that helps at all, probably not, but hang in there. It'll be hard at first. If you just accept that and deal with that, you'll get through it. A lot of us have been through it before and are here to support you

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

well, i totally thank everyone for everything youve said so far...nice how everyone said something a little different so that each piece of everything u all said made me feel better and better.....in answer to some of your questions-----no, i cant work 3/4 days with more hours (i wish, i know nassau and suffolk do that---and im keeping my fingers crossed that i kicked butt on the suffolk test and am able to make more money AND work only 3/4 days)....and no, i cant do a rotating schedule or anything. once im in a squad, im in, and we work what we work (i know back in the day the department used to do that, but not anymore)....

so we'll see....im so torn as to what shift to work, and thats something i have to decide soon. i could do midnights, but again, i know i wont be getting a lot of sleep (i know when i get home in the morning i am going to want to hang with hannah) and i know it isnt going to be the healthiest thing for a pregnancy once that happens....so i think itll be days or the 4x12 shift...........ugh, decision decisions....

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

I know exactly how you feel. I had plans to go back to work after maternity leave and FMLA. I couldn't do it.

Is there any way that you might consider not going back to work now, having your second child, staying in apartment for now and going back to work when the babies are older???

I told my husband -when I was having a nervous before I was suppossed to go back to work- that I didn't care if we sold the house and lived in a cardboard box- that I couldn't leave the baby to go back to work.. Dramatic- I know....


The worst part was, we bought the house when I was 8 mos pg, and we were both making the same salary wise. I was going to pay the mortgage with my salary, and his was going to be used for all other savings and expenses.

Needless to say, it all worked itself out. I am not typing this response while sitting in a cardboard box!!!! We made do with one salary.

When Ava turned 2 1/2, I went back to work pt.

Seriously, I know how insanley expensive it is to live on Long Island. I don't know if you planned on only having 2 children, but consider renting and going back to work at a later time.

Good Luck!!!!!

Re: i completely lost it the other nite....

Honestly, since you have to do 5 days, I really don't think you could do midnights -- you couldn't be sleep deprived for that many days in a row. I think days would probably be best -- you could kind of establish a "normal" routine for everybody, although, doing 4-12 might be a little easier, since the commute would probably be shorter.

Thinking about it more, I think days is best. If you do 4-12, it will be almost 2am before you're in bed, and then Hannah will be getting up in the morning, and you'll still be tire, then you'll have to start getting ready for work again at like 2pm. I think you'll feel like all you do is work and sleep, and have no "quality" time with her. Doing days and being able to do dinner and bedtime with her might give you a feeling of satisfaction every night before you go to sleep. Good luck with your decision.

Message edited 8/18/2007 11:30:39 PM.