How would you react to this? (long)

It's going to be long (sorry)- though I'll keep it as short as I can.

I have had a friend since my first year of college -he's MY only real guy friend (my own- not a friend of mine that was DH's first), and one of my best friends. I met him the same month my DH and I started dating, and we've all become good friends over the years.

Those of you who have been on here since earlier this year may remember me posting about him. Right after my DH and I got married he met this girl and started dating her- 4+ years later they have a baby on the way (a surprise) and they were going to wait to get married and then last minute 1 month before the baby was born decided to put a last minute wedding together, after finding out the baby had a lot of problems and was going to need MAJOR surgery b/c most of his organs were going to need to be shifted (which he's doing very well from I might add ).

I talked w/ DH and we agreed to do as much as we could for them b/c they couldn't afford a big wedding and we wanted them to have the nicest day possible. I came home from my vacation w/ my family early (DH stayed home b/c he had a lot of work that week) and we spent a day + baking and getting ready to make the trip from NY to MA (driving- ferry- BIG snowstorm- fun fun). I took the photos, my DH (a videographer professionally) did their wedding video and burned it onto DVD that night for them. I made them a cupcake wedding cake and a bunch of other stuff, etc... as well as got a photo of them printed and did a photo guest mat, decorated the restaurant as much as I could, took them out the night before their wedding for dinner, spent the day after their wedding w/ them (their choice), etc....) We did more than his own family did (which they all commented on), and no one from her family even showed


So he's the ONLY friend I told (non-family) about going through IVF. BTW his wife (who I'd never met before the night before his wedding and who is apparently extremely jealous of me for some reason- though I haven't figured out why- I'm happily married and live states away ) is the one who I was talking about at the IF GTG- She told me that after their baby is born we have to come back to MA so the baby can PEE on ME b/c that will suddenly make me fertile!

Back to my point- we told him b/c we couldn't make his son's baptism b/c it was around the weekend of my retrieval and I wasn't up to making the trip obviously... and we felt he should know the reason so they didn't just think we didn't want to make the trip or were blowing them off. He text messages me the other day and asks how I am and if we've heard anything. I told him how awful things have been, and how I had gotten pregnant but was having an early miscarriage and how this was the worst month of my life. He writes back "HOW COME?" (meaning why am I miscarrying). So I respond "They don't know- maybe a bad embryo".

He NEVER responded! It's been over a week now... I can not in my wildest dreams figure this out.... how do you not respond to me- how do you not pick up your cell phone and call me after my first text to you? You're supposed to be my friend. Each day I'm getting more and more annoyed- first I was really upset but was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm just mad. I asked my DH if this was a normal guy reaction, and he looked at my messages to see if maybe I missed something- but I didn't.

I could try to use it's a communication problem- but he KNEW based off his 'how come' response that I was having an early miscarriage. If I had gotten that text, I would've been calling my friend and offering a shoulder to cry on or even offered to come there to hang out and try to help them through it (we're all good friends- so it wouldn't be strange to my DH if he did make a trip here). I wouldn't expect him to- he has a baby, besides the fact that he's a guy- and lets face it- MOST (not all) guys probably look like a deer in headlights after getting that text... but I just can't believe he hasn't even responded with anything by now. A simple I'm sorry would've been enough- b/c really what more is there to say?

I seriously don't know what to think right now. I thought about texting him again b/c I really don't think calling him is the best thing for me to do right now. He's 'more' my friend than my DHs- so asking my DH to call him wouldn't work. Or I could just leave the ball in his court... I don't know what my next step should be. Any thoughts? Sorry- this really got long.

Message edited 9/5/2008 7:31:49 AM.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

I don't know what to say. THat is really hurtful. But, I can telll you from experience, when it comes to a miscarriage people wig out and get really weird. They can be so innappropriate because they don't know what to say. But, it's not an excuse. Is there anyway that he responded and it didn't go through? Probably not? I'm so sorry that someone hurt your feelings like that. I don't have any advice because honestly I didn't handle those kinds of things when I mc'd. I just let it go and forgot about it.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Shannon - I can't respond right now, I'm running out the door to work, but I'm going to FM you during the day.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

there are probably two reasons for this -

1. hes probably not sure how to react, mcs can make people nervous about what to say etc
2. he's a guy and most aren't the best communicators

sorry you're dealing with this

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Posted by Donna

there are probably two reasons for this -

1. hes probably not sure how to react, mcs can make people nervous about what to say etc
2. he's a guy and most aren't the best communicators

sorry you're dealing with this

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Posted by Donna

there are probably two reasons for this -

1. hes probably not sure how to react, mcs can make people nervous about what to say etc
2. he's a guy and most aren't the best communicators

sorry you're dealing with this

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Thanks guys. After a 1/2 way decent night's sleep I feel a little better. I think finally getting it out in 'writing' helped.... so thank you to those of you who read it, and thank you even more to those of you who responded.


I hate feeling like this friend of mine doesn't care- he's closer than any of my 'girl' friends. I know he has a wife now, not to mention a baby, and given things he's told me about his wife and her jealousy towards me- I figured our friendship would change, but I didn't think I would be completely ignored, especially with what I was in the middle of facing, and especially after he wrote to me!

I'll be honest- I have had issues with going to a lot of baby events lately... yet I/(we) sucked it up and drove to MA and sat there for 3 days looking at a 8+ month pregnant woman who hasn't been w/ her (now) DH for 1/3 of the time that I've been w/ my DH... I know -that's life -but it still sucks. It was very hard for me, but we went, because that's what friends do.

I 'killed her with kindness'- which wasn't even my intention- I was trying to make the best day possible for my friend. She 'loves' me now supposedly. I'm sure that he's mentioned it to her by now and it actually shocks me (though I'm glad she didn't) that she hasn't emailed/called/text messaged me, b/c I can only imagine what she'd say...

I agree- I'm hoping those are the 2 reasons (Donna posted). I guess for now I just let it be... and leave the ball in his court. Then when I'm in a bit of a better place, I'll call him. I just hate feeling this disappointment..... thanks everyone.

Message edited 9/5/2008 9:04:59 AM.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

So sorry.

I have to tell you that I have found people to not be there for you when it is least expected. I had something similar like that happen to me with a friend during my hard time last month too. She didn't mean it, but it is her way. I find it hard sometimes to understand why people don't do what I would normally do. It still is disappointing.

What other people said, men do not understand about miscarriages. Maybe he just truly doesn't understand what a hard time you have been having.

On another note, as far as his wife being jealous of you, I had a very close male friend for years and even with me engaged, his wife was jealous of our friendship. I never met her other than their wedding. I haven't seen him in years and they didn't come to my wedding. I just sum it up to her insecurity issues.

Message edited 9/5/2008 9:09:19 AM.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Posted by CAH127

I find it hard sometimes to understand why people don't do what I would normally do. It still is disappointing.

On another note, as far as his wife being jealous of you, I had a very close male friend for years and even with me engaged, his wife was jealous of our friendship. I never met her other than their wedding. I haven't seen him in years and they didn't come to my wedding. I just sum it up to her insecurity issues.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

As far as the texting thing...she might have been testing you both in some way. You know she had a jealousy issue, so it shouldn't be all that surprising.

As far as either of them checking in with you...let me tell you, peoples reactions to things will knock you off your feet.
I have a friend who I've been there for for around 20 years. When she was single, I always did stuff with her, even if it meant leaving my DH behind. I was always there to support her when she was down or if something happened I would do whatever I could to help.
When I was in the hospital, upside down, for a week, she never came to visit. After Rogan died, she never came to visit. I didn't see her until three months later when it was her birthday and she called to see if I wanted to go out with her and her DH. Since then, that was June, I've spoken to her twice - she knew about my chemical two months ago and never asked about me again. I have accepted the fact that our relationship is not what it was and I cannot really count on her in a time of need.
These things happen - you can't change their reaction and you kind of have to learn to live with it or confront them about it.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Shannon, some people really are at a loss when it comes to responding to someone's loss through a miscarriage. Add on top of that the fact that most men don't know how to communicate and are really uncomfortable with these kind of things, it's a bad combination. I wouldn't assume the worst, he just may really not know what to say and be at a total loss for words

I know my husband was totally baffled when I had my m/c. He was certainly there for me to support me, but he defintely was at a loss for words.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Posted by Gertyrae

Posted by Bxgell2

Shannon, some people really are at a loss when it comes to responding to someone's loss through a miscarriage.

There are people who just don't know how to react to bad things. They don't know what to say or do, so they say and do nothing - hoping it will just "go away".....I have learned that there are much greater tragedies than people not being there for you. The most important thing is that you and your DH stay strong together and that you have your family to lean on in times of need.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

I'm sorry that your friend is being such a puts. He is probably confused as to what to do. I find people avoid tough situations, even our closest friends. In fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Even though they are doing and saying the wrong thing anyway with avoidance. Some people are more equipped to handle tough situation. Doesn't mean he's not thinking about you.

Then sometimes when I think of friendships, I always think there is one more dominant than the other. And that works really well and when it changes to the other foot, it doesn't work. Doesn't mean they are a bad friend, its just they don't know what to do when the one they rely on it having the problem. Its sort of like Gerty's situation (hope you don't mind I used your situation as an example). She was always there for her friend, and her friend relied on that. But, she couldn't give it back, but Gerty was obviously the dominant one in their relationship. Doesn't mean she didn't care what happened. She just wasn't functional the other way.

Though when it does get reversed it does change everything. Because you had never tested that friend in time of crisis.

I feel comfortable saying that I bet most of us on here are more the dominant ones. And we would bend over backwards to help anyone. I had a professor in Grad School that used to call a group of us like this "the burning building" group. Meaning we'd be the first to run into a building to help save someone.

I think you should either let it go, or face your friend and call. I'm sure it will be OK. And you will feel much better.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

I am sorry to butt in on this board - but I lurk here and wanted to respond. In one of your follow up posts you said that the wife of your friend texted you as if it were him, is it at all possible that the wife was the one that texted you or read the text and deleted it without sharing the news with her husband?

P.S. I am extremely sorry about everything you had to deal with.

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

Re: How would you react to this? (long)

since he seems like a very good friend, instead of letting bad feelings linger... call him and talk things over... maybe there is something going on in his life and he feels like maybe he needs attention as well

call him and ask him, if everything is ok with him because you didn't hear from him after telling him about your miscarriage, and if he says ' he just got busy' tell him how it hurt your feelings

either way, you'll have answers