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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
Message edited 8/3/2015 2:25:50 PM.
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Posted 8/3/15 2:24 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:25 PM |
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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
You get only one family. There are other jobs. IMHO, of course.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:26 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
And my streak of agreeing with pretty much everything you say continues!
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:26 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
I think putting a roof over my children's head is more important than my SILs feelings about me standing next to her in church on a Friday afternoon.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:26 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:31 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
Because there is a difference between not taking a day off for the wedding b/c you're saving it to go on a vacation, and not taking a day off for the wedding b/c it may significantly hurt your career. And, as a teacher on LI, there is absolutely NOT always 'another job' .........
Sometimes in life you have no other choice but to be practical. It's not always as simple as as 'family comes first' - ..........
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:37 PM |
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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JennP
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
I understand your line of thinking, yes. That doesn't seem crazy to me. I just feel like, if I were her SIL and I found out she never even asked or spoke to her principal or union rep about things, I'd be very upset. I had three teacher bridesmaids on my Friday wedding - none of whom were tenured yet, or related to me in any way - and they all were there with me.
Of course you understand a Friday wedding has certain implications for some guests. Some people missed my early evening ceremony or part of the cocktail hour. But for family I feel like for ONE DAY you can at least try to put them first.
Anyway, it's just my opinion and I know OP said her mind was made up. I hope her SIL can be understanding.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:39 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JennP
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
And my streak of agreeing with pretty much everything you say continues!
I had no idea! 
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:41 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Personally, I would not be able to miss the wedding of someone so close to me, but again, that's me personally.
To answer your original question, I agree with someone else's suggestion, I would opt out entirely. I would say I will be there as a "bridesmaid" for you for the shower, bachelor party, etc, and explain that you just can't take off from work that year. I agree, it's risky and tenure track teaching jobs are not a dime a dozen these days. If you had a great relationship with your principal and department head where you knew that tenure was going to happen for sure, I would talk to them and see what they thought before making the final decision, but again that's just me. I'll also throw this out there, how would you feel missing the wedding and working that day, and then NOT getting tenure anyway? Just playing devil's advocate.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:41 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
Because there is a difference between not taking a day off for the wedding b/c you're saving it to go on a vacation, and not taking a day off for the wedding b/c it may significantly hurt your career. And, as a teacher on LI, there is absolutely NOT always 'another job' .........
Sometimes in life you have no other choice but to be practical. It's not always as simple as as 'family comes first' - ..........
Exactly. I wish life were that black and white. It would make the world so much less stressful.
Sadly, it is not though.
And like someone else mentioned, saying family comes first is one thing. For my DD, if she was sick or something, yes, SHE comes first.
My husband's sister on her wedding day, maybe not so much.
Life and death- yes family comes first.
A wedding- not so much
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:42 PM |
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angelicd77
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/13 794 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by JennP
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
I understand your line of thinking, yes. That doesn't seem crazy to me. I just feel like, if I were her SIL and I found out she never even asked or spoke to her principal or union rep about things, I'd be very upset. I had three teacher bridesmaids on my Friday wedding - none of whom were tenured yet, or related to me in any way - and they all were there with me.
Of course you understand a Friday wedding has certain implications for some guests. Some people missed my early evening ceremony or part of the cocktail hour. But for family I feel like for ONE DAY you can at least try to put them first.
Anyway, it's just my opinion and I know OP said her mind was made up. I hope her SIL can be understanding.
My SIL backed out a week before my wedding because she couldnt get off. What was I going to do? I wasnt going to make her lose her job because I wanted her to do a reading. Life goes on. I understood that and so should the OPs SIL.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:42 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work.
So if she loses her job, so be it right?
Will the family be able to support her?
You get only one family. There are other jobs. IMHO, of course.
It's a VERY VERY hard situation. I do only get one family. But for teachers, there not NOT other jobs, lol. That's exactly why my MIL and FIL understood completely. I can't just "get another job"
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:44 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by JennP
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
I understand your line of thinking, yes. That doesn't seem crazy to me. I just feel like, if I were her SIL and I found out she never even asked or spoke to her principal or union rep about things, I'd be very upset. I had three teacher bridesmaids on my Friday wedding - none of whom were tenured yet, or related to me in any way - and they all were there with me.
Of course you understand a Friday wedding has certain implications for some guests. Some people missed my early evening ceremony or part of the cocktail hour. But for family I feel like for ONE DAY you can at least try to put them first.
Anyway, it's just my opinion and I know OP said her mind was made up. I hope her SIL can be understanding.
Just curious, but how long ago did you get married? In the last 3-5 years teaching has become very different, so that is where my anxiety about the issue is coming from. I have family members who are teachers and they told me they never had issues taking a day off when they first began teaching. 10 years ago, EVERYONE got tenure, even those who really didn't deserve it.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:47 PM |
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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by JennP
Posted by Anxious3
Posted by eroxgirl
I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.
I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.
ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).
Yes, many people believe family is more important than work. I can't understand how so many other people think this is "insane."
But "family first" is not that simple.
Life is just not that black and white.
Certain things, yes - like heaven forbid my son was ill and I had to take him to a certain specialist, I would say that as his mother I would want to be there and let the chips fall where they may.
Other than grave situations.... I don't know. Everyone has to do what they have to do.
One could argue she is putting her own family first, KWIM?
I understand your line of thinking, yes. That doesn't seem crazy to me. I just feel like, if I were her SIL and I found out she never even asked or spoke to her principal or union rep about things, I'd be very upset. I had three teacher bridesmaids on my Friday wedding - none of whom were tenured yet, or related to me in any way - and they all were there with me.
Of course you understand a Friday wedding has certain implications for some guests. Some people missed my early evening ceremony or part of the cocktail hour. But for family I feel like for ONE DAY you can at least try to put them first.
Anyway, it's just my opinion and I know OP said her mind was made up. I hope her SIL can be understanding.
Just curious, but how long ago did you get married? In the last 3-5 years teaching has become very different, so that is where my anxiety about the issue is coming from. I have family members who are teachers and they told me they never had issues taking a day off when they first began teaching. 10 years ago, EVERYONE got tenure, even those who really didn't deserve it.
OP, I was married in 2009, so just before the window you're speaking of.
Good luck! I really do hope that in the end, everyone is happy (and employed).
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:51 PM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I would at least talk to people at work before saying something but if you are pretty certain that you will be denied tenure by taking the day then just be honest and say that you cannot be in the wedding because you can't make the ceremony but you will happily be involved in everything else (shower, bach party etc). I would rather someone be honest with me and let me know well in advance if they could not be in my BP so I could make other arrangements.
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| Posted 8/3/15 2:58 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JDubs
I would at least talk to people at work before saying something but if you are pretty certain that you will be denied tenure by taking the day then just be honest and say that you cannot be in the wedding because you can't make the ceremony but you will happily be involved in everything else (shower, bach party etc). I would rather someone be honest with me and let me know well in advance if they could not be in my BP so I could make other arrangements.
I did talk to people at work- I spoke to 3 coworkers and all said do not even touch on the subject with any of the admins in the building. I will get the day if I ask, that I know. But I am being told to not request it because it doesn't look good on my tenure year or the 1st week of school.
And yes i was recently married and would feel the same way. Although, one of my own sisters wasn't in my bridal party by choice and it didn't faze me at all. I understand how some could get upset over something like that, but I feel differently. Everyone is different, though.
She is a very organized person, so I would need to tell her somewhat soon so that she knows ahead of time. I am seeing her this weekend, so I will probably discuss with her then
Message edited 8/3/2015 3:01:41 PM.
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| Posted 8/3/15 3:00 PM |
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
She didn't just book a Friday wedding where the ceremony is at 6. She booked it so that the ceremony is at 1 pm.
If you do that, you risk people not being able to get off work.
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| Posted 8/3/15 3:05 PM |
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summertime
LIF Adolescent
Member since 9/10 852 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
This is your SIL's wedding, not a friend or distant relative. I would really try and take off.
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| Posted 8/3/15 4:36 PM |
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tourist
Member since 5/05 10425 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
yes I totally agree with you on that- While it is very inconvenient timing, I am only one person and would NEVER ever say anything to her in regard to how it's bad timing for me lol- It's her wedding and she can book for whatever day/time she pleases.
I agree with you- it's fine to have your wedding in the daytime, but most people doing that understand that some people won't be able to make it. I had friends who got married on a Friday in October at 11 am (and the reception followed immediately) and they realized that, but they had limited options.
There were a few teachers who came, but I as surprised at that. One of them I was close with & even though she is tenured, her district had changed something with their sick/personal days policy & it was stressing her out that she might have to lie.
I am surprised they didn't mention it to you when they booked the church - not that they would change it, but at least acknowledge that they realize it might be hard for a teacher to take a day off, but that was the time that worked best & they hoped you could still make it.
You can't plan your wedding around everyone's schedule, but usually there is a short list that you try & accommodate, parents, siblings, grandparents, and bridal party.
One of my bridesmaids was IN high school (as a student) when I got married, so I didn't even consider a Friday, b/c then she & her younger brother would have to miss school (they were out of state, too.)
ETA- to answer your original question, I would tell her how stressed you are about the whole situation & what everyone is telling you at work. and that you really still want to be involved with
the shower & to be at the reception. I'm not a teacher, but there are certain time I just CANNOT take off. I actually had to have surgery during one of those times & I was freaking out about it, but that & the death of an immediate family member were pretty much they only allowable exceptions.
Message edited 8/3/2015 4:45:22 PM.
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| Posted 8/3/15 4:40 PM |
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jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Just call out sick
I hate talking to my principal and our personal days in nyc are just our sick days so call out. Thats whah I do
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| Posted 8/3/15 5:29 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
Name:
Me speaks pirate!
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Why is everyone still trying to convince her to take the day? She didn't post to ask for opinions on whether she should take the day or not. She posted to ask what would be the best way to tell her sister-in-law that she won't be a bridesmaid. But, everyone's going around her original question and trying to convince her she'd be wrong for not going. Even after she clarified herself half a dozen times, people are still telling her she should take the day. She's an adult. I'm sure she knows that there's a chance her ILs might not take her dropping out of the wedding well and it may change her relationship with her SIL, and I'm sure she's prepared for that and how to handle any fall out. I'm sure she knows better than anyone here the dynamic of her work environment as well. If she's nervous about this, I'm sure she has a valid reason to be without everyone dismissing her concerns - especially considering how long it's taken her to get to this point.
Her SIL and future husband have every right to pick any date or time they want for their wedding. (It's the most important day of their lives, sure.. but sorry, no matter how close a family member you are, YOUR wedding is never as important to anyone else but you). But, they don't get to complain if someone can't make it or be in the bridal party based on the date/time/location they've chosen. Such is life. If it was important that all siblings were in the wedding party they would've chosen a different time so as to accommodate all siblings (you can't make everyone happy, you can't cater to every cousin and co-worker's and every guest's schedule of course - but if they really wanted all their siblings and immediate family members in the wedding party and in attendance, they would've picked a more convenient time so as to not put people in this awkward position - celebrate a wedding or possibly jeopardize her career).
OP, I would just be honest with her. Tell her the unreasonable climate at your school is one in which taking a day off during the first week of school is frowned upon and may likely cause you to jeopardize the status of your tenure and that you've seen other hard-working teachers lose tenure for lesser reasons. It sounds like your MIL is understanding since she knows how long it's taken you to get to your current position. If your SIL doesn't get it, oh well. It's her wedding, but it's your life.
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| Posted 8/3/15 5:49 PM |
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RainyDay
LIF Adult
Member since 6/15 3986 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by EatingMyVeggies
If you do that, you risk people not being able to get off work.
Yes we all get that you risk having people not being able to attend if you have it at an off hour however I would never expect my sister or brother to not even try to get off. Its one thing if they tried and were told no but I'd be a little upset if they didn't even attempt.
Message edited 8/3/2015 6:56:46 PM.
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| Posted 8/3/15 6:51 PM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7983 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MC09
Why is everyone still trying to convince her to take the day? She didn't post to ask for opinions on whether she should take the day or not. She posted to ask what would be the best way to tell her sister-in-law that she won't be a bridesmaid. But, everyone's going around her original question and trying to convince her she'd be wrong for not going. Even after she clarified herself half a dozen times, people are still telling her she should take the day. She's an adult. I'm sure she knows that there's a chance her ILs might not take her dropping out of the wedding well and it may change her relationship with her SIL, and I'm sure she's prepared for that and how to handle any fall out. I'm sure she knows better than anyone here the dynamic of her work environment as well. If she's nervous about this, I'm sure she has a valid reason to be without everyone dismissing her concerns - especially considering how long it's taken her to get to this point.
Her SIL and future husband have every right to pick any date or time they want for their wedding. (It's the most important day of their lives, sure.. but sorry, no matter how close a family member you are, YOUR wedding is never as important to anyone else but you). But, they don't get to complain if someone can't make it or be in the bridal party based on the date/time/location they've chosen. Such is life. If it was important that all siblings were in the wedding party they would've chosen a different time so as to accommodate all siblings (you can't make everyone happy, you can't cater to every cousin and co-worker's and every guest's schedule of course - but if they really wanted all their siblings and immediate family members in the wedding party and in attendance, they would've picked a more convenient time so as to not put people in this awkward position - celebrate a wedding or possibly jeopardize her career).
OP, I would just be honest with her. Tell her the unreasonable climate at your school is one in which taking a day off during the first week of school is frowned upon and may likely cause you to jeopardize the status of your tenure and that you've seen other hard-working teachers lose tenure for lesser reasons. It sounds like your MIL is understanding since she knows how long it's taken you to get to your current position. If your SIL doesn't get it, oh well. It's her wedding, but it's your life.
 I would add, validate her feelings if she is upset, as it is her day and she might feel hurt, NORMAL. IT might bit you a$$ at some point but you have to do what feels right for you at this time.
AND holy shit the posts got this out of control...
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| Posted 8/3/15 7:10 PM |
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Epeebes
Easy Peasy!
Member since 11/07 1428 total posts
Name:
Epeebes
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Just to throw another "teacher being scared to take a day off situation": My dad was admitted to the hospital the night before the Math State test. The first thought was sh!t if this was any other day I'd be calling in as quick as I could dial. I sat with my indecision to call out for about an hour. State test days are stressful enough, and my school has a hard time obtaining subs. I reached out to my AP and never got a response, I directly emailed my principal and she responded within 5 mins and said take the day.
And because my principal isn't a monster she actually put in the day as personal. She's granted quite a few odd timing requests from teachers for personal days right before or after vacations and she doesn't deny them. But one of those teachers who asked for those days, two of them in a row for a "once in a lifetime opportunity" and said I'm taking them regardless, got denied tenure this year. So you never know what principals have running through their minds when they make that decision to deny someone tenure. 
Message edited 8/3/2015 9:29:09 PM.
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| Posted 8/3/15 9:28 PM |
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