How do I get DH on board???

So I had mentioned to my DH that if both the fresh and frozen fail I will be switching RE's for various reasons which I will list:

1. I only have coverage for 3 fresh and 3 frozen
2. My current RE does not really treat immune issues nor tests for them
3. I want a fresh set of eyes to look at my chart and possibly test for different things or so something.
4. The new RE has a better SART rating

So he basically told me he does not agree that switching RE's is a good idea and I am just switching cause I want to hear what I want to hear

This all came up because I am going to reschedule my appt with SIRM since my FET was postponed...I then proceeded to tell him that if we didnt get the results there I may switch again who knows I hope this wont be the case but he doesnt understand...I know he loves me dearly and wants the best for me but he does not get it...he does not get the heart break every freaking appt that I go to...its slowly killing my spirit...I am generally a happy person but this process is making me a bit resentful and less joyful...I have explained this to him but he said I should be happy for what we have but it just kills me that I dont think he will EVER get the emotional toll this has taken on me...

He basically said that if he didnt need to go to the consultation he would rather not since he offers nothing to the conversation and he would have to take a 1/2 day for it...He said he would go if I wanted him but I dont know if I should just go by myself since I went to most other IVF consults alone anyway...I told him that I was going to do this no matter what...I know this is for our baby but this IF journey can be sooo lonely...I sometimes prefer it to be that way but I asked him to be supportive of my decision....he said he would but he doesnt agree with it. I just wished he would agree with me.

Am I wrong for just doing what I want? Should I make him go with me?

Re: How do I get DH on board???

You are absolutely not wrong to seek out more informtation. You should go into this well informed and confident that you are making the best decisions possible. When we went for second opinions, I was iffy about it. I felt so devoted to Dr.B's office that taking my records elsewhere felt like cheating! My husband was the one who pushed me to do it though and in his words, "It's ONLY a conversation, we don't have to go back ever again if we don't want to, but at least let's hear what they have to say". Maybe you could try presenting it to your dh in that way.

Ultimately, I'm glad we went to our other opinions. Though we ended up right back with Dr.B ... and with a surrogate... I did with confidence that it was the best choice for us at the time. Also, if your dh doesn't want to miss work, could you conference him in over the phone? Just a thought...

Re: How do I get DH on board???

DHs can be so difficult at times. I think everything you listed is a valid point.

I think you need to sit down and with him and list the pros and cons. That is the stage we are at right now. The RE we may change to does not take our insurance and we do not have OON coverage, but at this point, we need to try something different. We can not keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Right now, we are on a bit of a break because I am just starting a new job so taking time off may be difficult.

I wish I had more advice for you

Re: How do I get DH on board???

Posted by PitterPatter11

DHs can be so difficult at times. I think everything you listed is a valid point.

I think you need to sit down and with him and list the pros and cons. That is the stage we are at right now. The RE we may change to does not take our insurance and we do not have OON coverage, but at this point, we need to try something different. We can not keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Right now, we are on a bit of a break because I am just starting a new job so taking time off may be difficult.

I wish I had more advice for you

How do I get DH on board???

I think I may just go alone...I dont think he truly will ever understand why I am doing this...we have had this conversation and explained my reasoning but he does not agree...he thinks I just am looking for someone to tell me something I want to hear...I have read and heard it all...he is of the mindset that the RE's are the ones who are right and I am not like that at all...I question it all since it is my body and I want to know what is going on...its just annoying that he wont just go with it...he was also annoyed when I switched from rsny to nsuh...I guess it is what it is...I am trying to do what is best for us but he doesnt see that cause he thinks by staying with one place is what is best for us!!!

Message edited 8/31/2012 12:02:55 PM.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

We've chatted about this already, so you know I have no qualms with shopping around.

All I can tell you is that every doctor's perspective on my case was very different. Not every doctor goes outside of the box, and each doctor who does comes up with different ideas. And I can tell you that both Dr. Mukherjee and Davis were "optimistic" about my chances whereas my LI docs were unmotivated to find a way. And these weren't hacks telling me what I wanted to hear, as your DH says. REs don't do that bc it hurts their SART data to fail at tough cases.

My point is that each has offered something different, and frankly, I found the local LI docs to be pretty narrow and uninterested in playing with newly discovered treatments and protocols. You owe it to yourself to find the right doc with some new ideas to get you your baby. This is why so many women flock to Dr. B. I owed it to myself to move on, and maybe so do you.

Message edited 8/31/2012 8:55:03 PM.

How do I get DH on board???

If you are doubting anything about who you are working with in this process then I would absolutely be seeking someone else's opinion. It's just like proofreading, things can be overlooked until there is another set of eyes.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

How do I get DH on board???

i think your not wrong at all to seek out a fresh pair of eyes. If your DH won't go to the consult with you, let him stay home/work. Once your already into your cycle, i'm sure he'll go along with whatever he prescribed.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

Posted by PennyCat
I was on this road too long to continue to be somebody's science experiment.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

Re: How do I get DH on board???

I used to be in the IF world when I was married. XDh did not come to many appointments and it was very lonely. You said your DH doesn't want to miss work but he said he would come if YOU wanted him there. Try not to shoot yourself in the foot if you really do want him there with you. If you do want him there you can tell him that you understand his reluctance, but really you really just want his physical presence and comfort at the appointment. Just a thought.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

I agree with the other ladies in regards to consultations and second, third, fourth...opinions!

But, I wouldn't go alone. You need your DH and he needs you. You may not see eye to eye right now, but you will. He'll never be able to understand what we women feel because he's a man! It's just that simple. But he still needs to be there for support. You wouldn't want this to cause problems or stir up emotions for the future either. So maybe take some time to truly discuss your feelings, emotions and his reasons as well.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

I felt at one point that i needed to go get another RE opinion as I felt I exhausted my options at my RE office. I did go to RSNY and I basically got the same outcome possibilites so I went back to the one I started with. I felt better that I got it out of my system and DH did not come with me for that conversation because he didnt want to take a day off for the same reason your DH did.
It is a rough road and for some of us we have to do some things alone without DH to hold our hands. I did alot of crying, feeling that I was on the journey alone but I know that mentally he was with me just not physically. I should add that for the really important appts he was there. Speak your mind let him know you really would like him to go but He will be there for the Big ones. They will never understand how we feel or the strength we have to get thru this IF journey,

Sending you hugs and dust that the road is short, outcoume is

Message edited 9/1/2012 10:59:35 PM.

Re: How do I get DH on board???

I wanted to think long and hard about this answer before I answered. I was at the same place 2 years ago, except my husband didn't even want to begin and GO to an RE at all. I've been there, tried everything, and I know how your heart feels.

Are you really ready to switch RE's, or are you doing research? I am a planner and a researcher, too, and trust me, I've done my research. While you may immediately want to switch, he may want to give it another go. Maybe you could meet him in the middle by asking him to go to a consult to hear the Dr.'s input and make the decision together. I am sure that this new doctor will offer thing that the others haven't even thought about or suggested. This may influence his thinking.

So may men can't believe their strong, well-put-together and confident wives turn into a hysterical basket case of a mess when facing infertility. But it is a huge part of the process that they are more emotional about than we think- we just express it better and we have a vehicle for our emotions (crying hysterically, food, or this message board lol). You shouldn't go alone.... I agree with the others that the decision to switch should be made together. All courses of action should be agreed upon together. Find a way to explain to him what it means to you to have him by your side in all phases and steps of the process to start your family.

Good Luck!

Message edited 9/2/2012 9:43:22 AM.

How do I get DH on board???

I think you both need to hear each other out and make the best decision together. I completely see your point of view and I think it's always good to get a fresh opinion - I also am pretty certain that rsofny does do immune testing so maybe a compromise between you and Dh would be to consider talking to one of the other doctors in the practice and also going for the consult elsewhere like you wanted. I think it's important to be on the same page with DH and being in it together bc it's certainly a rough road. Best of luck to you!