getting completely depressed.......

i just hate going to work...waking at 5am, coming home at 5pm, and being incredibly tired at nite with hannah. dont get me wrong, she is def not neglected in any way ( i would never!), but like, yesterday, today, and tomorrow my DH is home (his days off) and i am working (we never get a day off- we are in different squads... ), and so yesterday i took full advantage, let him be the one that is hands on with her and i didnt 5 loads of laundry, and i was in bed a 915....i woke at 1130 to pee and was ridden with icredible guilt that i didnt put hannah down for bed, that i did some other stuff around the house and went to bed early....

i just miss her so much and i dont know what to do!!!! i want to be a SAHM so bad, but it just isnt possible....we need a house at some point, and i have to stay working. i just dont know what to do anymore...

rock.................me.................hard place

im getting so depressed...im tired, i dont know how i am going to keep doing this 5 days a week, with no days off with greg being away from H all day long, then coming home and being exhausted.........

i dont know what i am looking for in posting this- maybe working moms who feel just like me???? or maybe it gets better??? maybe its cuz im pregnant????? i dont know....

Re: getting completely depressed.......

It doesn't sound like you are in an easy situation on top of that your hormones are all out of wake.

You are definitly not alone when it comes to the guilt. I am a SAHM and I found out I was pg with #2 when #1 was 6 months old. From then on I felt guilty after I put him to bed practically everyday until DD arrived. I guess the guilt came more from knowing that it wouldn't just be him anymore and he had no idea what was to come.

I know this isn't the answer you want to hear but once you get in your 2nd trimester your hormones will be better and before you know it you will be on maternity leave again. Is their anyway that you and your DH can speak to your Captians about changing your schedule around so you guys have at least 1 day off together? Since you are different squads maybe it's possible.

Re: getting completely depressed.......

I think it's very hard for working moms, the guilt issues about not being around enough. I will be returning back to work in another 2 weeks and I feel guilty at times that I'm going to be leaving my DS at daycare but I know he will be ok . I can't imagine how you must be feeling since your pregnant. I agree with what the other poster said about trying to work out your schedules, it makes it harder that you and DH don't get to spend anytime together either.

I hope everything works out for you and just try to hang in there. Keep us posted.

Re: getting completely depressed.......

Awww, Summer read any of my posts re:working. I have a whole blog on myspace about how being a working my sadness my heart. All I feel is guilt...

If you ever need to talk Im here

Re: getting completely depressed.......

We talked about this before. As I said a lot of guilt comes with terroritory of having a child.

Summer - I was going to sleep by 7pm when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was absolutely exhausted. The difference is if I feel asleep at my job, the most I got was a keyboard imprint in my forehead. You, on the other hand, must be at the top of your game on the job. You can't be tired. The consequences are too severe. Taking time to get the rest you need cannot be negotiable or something you feel guilty about. At this point, it's essential.

I know it's hard to not feel connected to your DH. While I was pregnant, my DH was switched to nights & all we did was switch places on the couch after kissing each other good bye.

For you it will get better. The 2nd trimester is often 1000% better than the first. The exhaustion should lift soon - at least until the third trimester. You'll be switched to your desk job, getting keyboard imprints in your forehead soon enough.

It sounds like the only thing that may be under your control is your schedule. See if you can switch. It's too hard to be and feel alone.

As for Greg putting Hannah to bed at night, let him. You'll be grateful that it's their routine when Baby #2 arrives.

Re: getting completely depressed.......

ITA with what Barb said! There is so much on your plate right now, just getting back on the force and all, AND being newly pregnant. You defnitely need to get your sleep. And something I am not proud to say, but it made me feel so much better, was the let the other things slide so that you can be with Hannah. Like the dishes and the laundry and the cleaning. Do what absolutely needs to be done and you'll manage. You will catch up eventually. Just ask at any time if you need me to help out!

Re: getting completely depressed.......

Its a hard hard choice, no doubt about it.

For us, I knew I wouldnt be able to work, my anxiety would kill me leaving him..

So I choose to be a SAHM and we are giving up a lot in return, but I know I can work again oince he is in school in a few yrs and our " house plans" may be on hold 4-5 yrs but I dont think much of having a house, maybe b/c I lived in Apt's most of my life.

We also know we will need to move out of NY to have a house and have accepted that . Accepted to be a SAHM the sacrifices are so hard we have to move when we want that house.

So there are sacrifices everyone makes.

You decide whats important in your own situation and then try your best to deal.

You will have a nice house for your children someday soon and your love when your with them, how little time that may be or how much time..its quality not quantity in some situations.

Re: getting completely depressed.......

I just started working I am out of the house by 5:30am and DH takes care of DS in the morning while i am at work. He then drops DS off at MIL or my Moms at around 10-11am. I pick up DS around 6:30pm. Then i have to wait until 8:30 when DH gets off of work to then drive back to Pennsylvania. i dont get home until 10:30-11pm then get DS ready for bed. I get in the bed like around 12am to get back up at 5:00am. Like i said i just started and I am starting to get depressed about it already. I hate the traveling and i hate getting to bed that late. I need my sleep. and not having enough time for DS. I guess i have to make up for it on the weekends. I dont know how much longer I am going to do this.

Message edited 10/20/2007 12:58:05 PM.

Re: getting completely depressed.......

Re: getting completely depressed.......

thank u girls so much....the only thing i really CANT change IS my schedule...i actually picked this squad bc it was when we needed MIL the least (itll switch- this week, 2 days, next week, 3, the week after, 2, then 3....)....if COULD work in the same squad, but that would mean MIL needing to be here FIVE days a week, which we dont and wont ask her to do....although it would be nice, ill admit...PLUS, the squad i am in now, i get xmas off, which is KEY....can any of u imagine not being there xmas morning- i know shell only be 18 months old and not understand, but its the point of it....

anyway, thats it. i just got home 10 min ago, hannah is sleeping and DH is watching TV....im on here eating sour cream and onion lays (craving!)...i actually feel okay right now- i just dont want the exhaustiont o hit later....ill be 12 weeks soon, so hopefully it is coming to an END!!!

Re: getting completely depressed.......

The best way i can put it is .....
"everything is life is just for now"