FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

Humor me and read this whole thing.

So a friend of mine did this a few years ago when she was pregnant with twins. She really wanted to know the sex of the babies, but her DH was adamant about it being a surprise. They already had one son and she really wanted a girl, she knew if both babies were boys she was going to be disappointed and she wanted time to come to terms with that. Still, her husband felt very strongly about not finding out.

She secretly found out the sex (of course she was having two boys!) and never told anyone. She played it off like she didn't know the whole time, bought everything gender neutral and acted surprised when they were born. To this day her husband has no idea she found out the sexes. She never felt bad about it and made no apologies for it.

When she told me this (I'm a work friend so she knew it was safe to share with me—it wasn't going to cross over to her personal life) I was shocked. I couldn't believe someone would do that. I remember thinking that it was kind of horrible to be sneaky and dishonest about such a monumental moment in your life. It just seemed wrong.

Two years later I was the one having a baby. My DH and I decided not to find out (I was on the fence, he was 1000% against finding out, so I went with him on it). It was our first child and I didn't have a preference at all. Honestly, I was so excited about the idea of a little boy or a little girl. But then over the course of my pregnancy I became convinced I was having a boy. I don't know why, I just felt very strongly that it was a boy. My DH did too. We just knew it was a boy. Then I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was shocked. Not just because I had a girl, but because my first feeling was disappointment. It turns out, I spent so much time thinking of the baby inside my belly as a boy, I guess I started bonding with "my son" and when that didn't turn out to be the case, it really left me feeling unsettled. My DH went out to share the "It's a Girl!" news with our families who were all waiting in suspense —there were tears, there were hugs etc.—it was a beautiful moment for all of them, but of course I wasn't a part of any of it. I was in recovery trying to wrap my brain around my new daughter. I kept asking my DH if he was happy and he kept telling me he was thrilled. You could see him beaming. But it took me a day to get over the feeling that the baby boy I thought I was carrying, didn't exist. It was a very weird, surprising feeling.

Of course now I'm so incredibly grateful I have a girl. My sweet baby girl. In fact, I'd be THRILLED if we had another girl.

So as we start talking about going for #2, my DH is again 1000% against finding out. He likes doing things the old school way and just really loves the idea of a surprise and the tradition of delivering the news. Under no circumstances does he want to know. But I do. I really do. I don't care about a gender specific room or buying pink or blue stuff, I just don't want that feeling that I had last time. Even if it only lasts a second, it was awful to feel a tinge of disappointment as you hear the news of your baby being born. I still feel sad about my reaction.

So now I'm suddenly in this place where I'm thinking about what my friend did years ago. I mean, it would give DH what he wants and it would give me what I want—everybody is happy, everybody wins, right? Yet, something in me feels incredibly guilty for even thinking about it. I don't want to spend my entire pregnancy feeling dishonest. I wish I could just tell him I'm finding out, but it would only work if he had no idea I knew. Otherwise, he'd be reading into everything and it would just get weird and he'd ending up knowing too.

I know if I insisted we find out, DH would let me have my way, but I also know he'd be really disappointed on the inside. That's why I'm wondering if finding out and not telling him is actually the better way because we both get what we want.

Anyway, I thought it would be a fun topic of discussion for us. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

(Oh, and don't mind the fake name. I'm a longtime poster, but I know lots of people on here personally and I can't allow my secret fantasy to get out there! )

Message edited 11/5/2013 12:23:28 PM.

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

Find out.

I had a "secret wish" for a girl & was pregnant with a boy for my 1st child. Would have made for a sad delivery.

My second was a girl. I was thrilled.

Now with the third (if we go there), I'd be happy for either. I just can't have a surprise day of.

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

i think if you are going to find out, you should tell DH. see if he is ok with you knowing and him not knowing, or see if maybe he wants to know too since its the second.
i personally wouldnt be able to lie to DH about it. i would def slip and would need to tell SOMEONE. and even if iit was a friend who wanted to know if DH didnt, i can only imagine how he would feel if he found out you know and kept it from him the entire time.

we were with our first - i thought it was a boy too and our surprise it was a girl! we are now pregnant with #2 and told the ultrasound tech last night we are
but i secretly want to know. i know DH would want to know too...but that moment of surprise in the delivery room was priceless so im really trying to hold out and keep

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

Why should you not be able to find out just because your DH doesn't want to? Where is the compromise in that? Why should it be what he says goes? I would find out, and just keep it to yourself.

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Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I think you should find out and make DH find out with you! He had "his way" the first time, so this time you should find out.

Luckily Dh and I both have no will power and found out both times. It's still a great surprise and I actually gasped at the sono tech when she said boy this time, bc I was thinking it was another girl. DH and I then went to BrU and bought him his first Yankee hat and chucks! Also, I got to be there when we told our families and hear their reactions.

We are now psyching DD up for a baby brother... She also thought it was going to be a girl! Lol.

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

As someone who was adamant about being team green for both pregnancies (luckily so was DH)

I think your DH should give in on this one and find out. You let him have his choice the first time, this time should be your choice.

ETA - or talk to him about you finding out and keeping it to yourself, but I wouldn't find out behind his back.

Message edited 11/5/2013 11:52:58 AM.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I needed to know, if dh wasn't on board I would have secretly found out and kept it to myself. And I sooo agree with you, it is a bonding thing, for me at least. I had a secret gender preference and I wanted to be prepared eihter way.

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I did this for #4. I already had 3 boys, and had never found out what I was having with any of them. #4 was a surprise, and I just couldn't get excited about the pregnancy. I told dh that I was thinking about finding out this time. He was fine with it. I go to my ultrasounds alone anyway, so I found out that it was indeed another boy. Dh never wanted to know, so I didn't tell him. He says I didn't keep my secret very well - he knew it was another boy because I didn't purge any of my tons of boy stuff! The only other person who knew that I found out was my sister(and I told her it was a boy). Nobody else knew that I knew.

Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I would tell him you have decided to find out and that you will keep it a secret from everyone if he wishes. Do you know why he wants to be surprised? If it's to share the surprising news after DC arrives, you can definitely work out a compromise.

DH and I found out the sex of our DD at 12w and we wanted a boy in the worst way. We had a moment of disappointment but by the next day we were thrilled. I think if we had been surprised it would have been a bigger adjustment.

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I answered 'not me, I could NEVER' because I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I'd slip.

I agree with the other ladies, find out.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

^ That's how I feel. I could never keep a secret that long!

Can you tell him how you're feeling?

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Re: FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I'd find out but not keep it a secret. DH got his way for your first child and didn't find out. This time you should get your choice and find out. JMO.

But I wouldn't lie or keep it a secret. That would be too hard for me. And, if DH ever found out, I think he'd be really really hurt that I didn't just come clean to him.

Finding out can be just as exciting. The day we found out we had dinner with my family that night and announced the gender, showed the sono pics, etc. So I also got to be part of the "It's a boy!" announcement.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I could not do it. Anyway i did not find out with DS or DD and i will not with any future pregnancies. It is a personal decision but i dont agree with lying to you husband. I would ask him if that was ok. My DH would go nuts if he found out i did that behind his back.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

My dh knows the sex of the baby, but I do not. He,wanted to know, I wanted to be suprised. I would tell him you are going to find out and you will keep it from him. My dh has known for 3 months and has not hinted either way.

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Did you explain to dh why you want to know? If so, and he still is adamant about not finding out, I find that extremely insensitive. I would then just tell him, I am finding out- period and if you don't want to know, I won't tell anyone, including you. Why should his desire for the secret "trump" your desire to find out? You can both get what you want by you finding out and him not.

As for the friend, I don't think what she did was horrible- but I would have done like I just suggested you do.

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I would find out and I would tell DH that since I am the one carrying the baby that it is my decision to make. He does not need to know the sex if he does not want to, but I would tell him that I am going to find out. I would not be deceptive like that. I think it sets a horrible precedent in the marriage.
Good luck with what ever you decide.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

If it were reversed, I would be livid with DH for finding out and not telling me. For me, part of being team green is that SHARED surprise in the delivery room.
That said, since you feel really strongly about it, I think you should either (1) both find out or (b) you find out and he knows that you know, but he doesn't find out. Up to him whether he wants to know first, but be upfront with him. You should "win" this one b/c you are carrying the baby, and since you did it his way last time and it didn't work out for you.

GL!!

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

Does DH know how you felt when DD was born? Maybe if you told him how you felt so unsettled while everyone popped the cork in the waiting room, he may be more sympathetic with the fact that you didn't find out.
I'll never forget how I felt when I cut the gender reveal cake and it was double pink. I almost fell over with shock- I thought for sure I was supposed to have at least one boy! I couldn't imagine my life any other way. BUT, had I carried them 9 months thinking they were boys, the shock may have been too big to bear.
I wish you luck on whatever you decide. I hope I helped

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

With our first child both my husband and myself agreed on not finding out the sex of the baby. Throughout my pregnancy everyone said it was a boy so I started thinking it was as well. I did not have a preference either way, just healthy. Turns out all the old wives tales of how I was carrying were wrong because we had a girl and I could not be more thrilled. When we got pregnant with our second child I wanted to know. Friends of mine who had found out said the bonding was different when you knew what it was. We were also having major issues when it came to a middle name if it was a boy so I knew I needed to put up a good fight. At our 20 week anatomy scan the tech asked if we wanted to know and we both responded no, but took guesses as to what it was. I said boy, hubby said girl. After a quick bathroom break ( both hubby and I left the room) I made it back to the room first and said to the tech.. I really want to know the sex, it's a boy isn't it?? And to my surprise I was right! We tried to get a quick glimpse but my hubby walked in the room before she could show me I was right. While I was glad I knew I couldn't keep it to myself, I told my mother. I found myself constantly calling the baby a he and then trying to cover it up since I was the only one to know the sex. When our son was 8 months old I told my husband I knew the sex since I was 5 months pregnant,.

While I'm glad I found out the sex it was definitely the hardest secret to keep.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I would never be able to keep a secret that big.

FINDING OUT THE SEX WITHOUT DH KNOWING!

I would have zero problem doing it. I admire people who can be team green, but my urge to know and prepare is too great to survive 9 months of not knowing.

DH and I did find out for DS, but up until that point, I was convinced completely I was having a girl. I started picking out all girly items and clothes, girl names, etc. When we found out he was a boy, I was slightly devastated. I couldn't imagine that feeling after giving birth. I'm happy that DS is a boy, and if we ever had a second, I'd be ecstatic to have another boy. But I would need to find out!