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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
Thanks to all that responded.
Honestly, I am not happy on Long Island. I would pick up and move to the south in an instant. I am not close with any of my extended family. I see my parents maybe once every week-two weeks and my brother maybe once a month and they both live within 10 minutes of me.
I graduated college 6 years ago and hav been umemployed in Ny for 4 out of those 6 years. I am not the same here. I am not happy. Some of you are content staying at home with the kids, but that's not me. I love my kids but I love having a career.
Since I have been unemployed for so many years we have had many financial burdens. Most of our struggling is because of my job situation. My husband makes a nice salary here, but without my income our debt, student loans, child care costs are crazy expensive.
Most of you know I keep talking about moving. DH is on the same page as me. We know that our quality of life in Florida would be better. I would have a job and there are so many accounting jobs down there making nice salaries. Rent is reasonable for now, until we can buy something. We know the area we like since we lived there 5 years ago.
We just dont know what to do about our kids. They are 3 and 4. They are extremely close to his parents and brothers. My inlaws live 7 blocks from us now. They help us out with the kids and watch them so we can enjoy ourselves.
Our housing situation here is not good. In order to keep us here, our inlaws offered us a chance to move in with them. It is a cape style 2 family house now. They said we can split all utilities and live there for as long as we need or want.
Ideally that sounds good. We will stay on Long Island. We will have plenty of extra income since we won't have mortgage, so even if I don't have a job money won't be the stressing factor.
But now...do I really want to live with my inlaws? Even if we have our own entrances/floors? Is living that way better for us?
Then we talked about what happens when our kids are older. What happens if they can't afford to live here?
Are we better off moving now and doing what is best for the 4 of us financially and mentally for me?
Is staying here better for the kids?
If you are still reading..thank you. We have made so many wrong decisions. My brain hurts. Honestly my career is who I am. I don't want to be a SAHM. I want to work. In south carolina, I had a life. I had friends. I had a job that I liked. A house that I loved.
Every since coming back...I am alone. I hate it.
I completely empathize with you, as you might remember from past posts.
As a fellow unemployed teacher, I feel like there is a hole in my life, and I say that as a person who is truly fulfilled in every other important way. If I were itching to move OOS on top of that, I'd be a bundle of anxiety and stress.
A few thoughts:
I once shared a two family with my mom for two years. (We still own the house, and I have a tenant in my half.) Long story as to why I moved out - I moved in with DH is the short version - but I say NO NO NO to moving in with in laws. And I say that as someone superclose to my mom. And it's still NO. Don't do it.
I know others on this board have the same arrangement and will disagree. However, it's not worth the risk because once you make a home for yourself there it sounds like you might be stuck there financially and as your children get older, you might not want to leave NY anymore, so that might no longer be the answer. You're unhappy here and you don't even live with them yet, so that could be a disaster.
You should not worry about whether or not your kids will be able to afford it here in 20 years. College, careers, and family could take them anywhere on planet Earth eventually. It shouldn't factor into your decision now. Just scratch it off your list as a concern, because it is so out of your control, in so many ways.
I don't blame you for considering the short term effects of leaving, as far as your children are concerned. However, that seems like the only negative.
To be frank, it really sounds like you should go. Your quality of life here does not sound like it is working for you.
Make concrete and frequent plans to visit family, and have them visit you.
This from someone who could never imagine leaving the area.
Your heart really seems like it belongs elsewhere.
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Posted 1/28/11 11:18 AM  |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Quality of Life hands down
By that I mean this.
If you gave me a Billion dollars and told me I had to live in the far reaches of wherever away from my family then sign me up. They can fly.
If you said my child could have the best tutors, schools and everything she’ll need to succeed but I’m away from my family… Where do I stand in line for that?
If you told me I could work from home or just walking distance from home, live in a great neighborhood and be able to live comfortably without worrying about each check or the economy but my family was a few states away… Well I’m almost already doing that now. But the answer is “When I can fly out for the interview”
Family is ALWAYS close. They are a phone call or a flight away. The big picture of quality of life is important. If I can succeed then I can share that with my family. If I sacrifice too much just for the sake of family then who am I really helping? I’m hurting my own family and the family I’m trying to help.
Even now, if my Dad needed more medical attention, he could move in with me. Why would I move to Iowa. Talk about quality of Life change!
ETA: Just want to say I posted this before reading the rest. But yeah, I still mean it.
Message edited 1/28/2011 11:46:45 AM.
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| Posted 1/28/11 11:44 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
I don't know why ANYONE would choose a poor quality of life for their spouse and kids to be close to extended family. How is that good for anyone?? Be miserable, yet close to family? Unless we are talking about a small sacrifice in quality of life, i'm not sure.
To the OP: you are not happy! You said yourself that you want to be out of long island..I say ..GO! If you are close to your family, that will never change. Ever. Believe me!!
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| Posted 1/28/11 11:46 AM |
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curiousgeorge
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/10 867 total posts
Name:
MAMA
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Edited because I didn't get the question.
In order for everyone else to be happy, I believe that YOU have to be happy yourself. GOod luck with your decision.
Message edited 1/28/2011 1:08:40 PM.
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:07 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
I adore my family (parents, sibs, ILs, etc.) but when we are able to, we will be moving out of state. I want my DH and kids to be comfortable in both where they live, as in a home, as well as grow up in a nice community. Though I know we will be lonely at times, I am sure that the family will visit us! All I know is that both DH and my civil servant pensions will go a lot farther in the Carolinas than on LI.
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:26 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by Xelindrya
Quality of Life hands down
By that I mean this.
If you gave me a Billion dollars and told me I had to live in the far reaches of wherever away from my family then sign me up. They can fly.
If you said my child could have the best tutors, schools and everything she’ll need to succeed but I’m away from my family… Where do I stand in line for that?
If you told me I could work from home or just walking distance from home, live in a great neighborhood and be able to live comfortably without worrying about each check or the economy but my family was a few states away… Well I’m almost already doing that now. But the answer is “When I can fly out for the interview”
Family is ALWAYS close. They are a phone call or a flight away. The big picture of quality of life is important. If I can succeed then I can share that with my family. If I sacrifice too much just for the sake of family then who am I really helping? I’m hurting my own family and the family I’m trying to help.
Even now, if my Dad needed more medical attention, he could move in with me. Why would I move to Iowa. Talk about quality of Life change!
ITA!
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:28 PM |
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Tulips915
................
Member since 8/08 6851 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
My DH is a teacher. When we lived on LI, he was teaching part time at a private school. He wanted a public school but as you know, there are no jobs. We applied to so many different states.
He took a job in MD in the worst county possible b/c there was nothing else. I was so sad to leave NY but I knew he needed a job. He hated going everyday but made it through the year. Again, we sent out resumes to all over.
This past August he had a phone interview with a charter school in FL. We had to decide that weekend to take it or not, not knowing the area or school, only going by what we researched online. I found our apartment complex online, read reviews and took a chance (love it here too).
In the end we ended up moving... and loving it here. The school is awesome. I actually got a job at the school. The pay is less, but the quality of life is better. He is actually happy about having to go to work.
I miss NY so much, our family, friends, the food  but they have come to visit us and are coming again. We've also gone back to NY to visit too. Short plane ride.
In the end, I think you need to do what's best for your family. If that means moving for a better lifestyle, then you have to. Family is always a phone call/skype/plane ride away.
Good luck to whatever you decide.
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:29 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by Janice
my quality of life meant staying at home and being with my kids.
caring for dh, being a wife.
I don't care where that went down, but for me, I was not going to work.
DH-wanted shorter commute and own a home.
this meant leaving.
my marriage is #1. I have to put everything into that.
it has absolutely nothing to do with my parents, siblings, cousins....i vowed to him, he vowed to me. i live to make him happy, he lives to make me happy.
if my parents, and they do...have a problem with that, then i hope one day they see i did the only thing that could be done.
THIS.
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:49 PM |
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MrsSchwags
Soccer Baseball Lax Mom
Member since 10/05 11240 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Thank you all again until we are 100% made up I'm sure this will keep coming up.
You have no idea. It eats at me on a daily basis.
I don't know if I would want to live with my inlaws or even my parents. I don't get along with them 100% now so I don't know how it would be living with them. I think in the end it would cause a problem with my kids running to see grammy and pop pop if they dont get their way.
Palm Beach Schools are in NYC in March, and I have an interview. By then, hopefully we have a better grasp on what we really want. My husband has been watching the jobs too.
It's just sad that I regret all of our mistakes. I want to finally make the right choice and not regret anything!
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:57 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
Thanks to all that responded.
Honestly, I am not happy on Long Island. I would pick up and move to the south in an instant. I am not close with any of my extended family. I see my parents maybe once every week-two weeks and my brother maybe once a month and they both live within 10 minutes of me.
I graduated college 6 years ago and hav been umemployed in Ny for 4 out of those 6 years. I am not the same here. I am not happy. Some of you are content staying at home with the kids, but that's not me. I love my kids but I love having a career.
Since I have been unemployed for so many years we have had many financial burdens. Most of our struggling is because of my job situation. My husband makes a nice salary here, but without my income our debt, student loans, child care costs are crazy expensive.
Most of you know I keep talking about moving. DH is on the same page as me. We know that our quality of life in Florida would be better. I would have a job and there are so many accounting jobs down there making nice salaries. Rent is reasonable for now, until we can buy something. We know the area we like since we lived there 5 years ago.
We just dont know what to do about our kids. They are 3 and 4. They are extremely close to his parents and brothers. My inlaws live 7 blocks from us now. They help us out with the kids and watch them so we can enjoy ourselves.
Our housing situation here is not good. In order to keep us here, our inlaws offered us a chance to move in with them. It is a cape style 2 family house now. They said we can split all utilities and live there for as long as we need or want.
Ideally that sounds good. We will stay on Long Island. We will have plenty of extra income since we won't have mortgage, so even if I don't have a job money won't be the stressing factor.
But now...do I really want to live with my inlaws? Even if we have our own entrances/floors? Is living that way better for us?
Then we talked about what happens when our kids are older. What happens if they can't afford to live here?
Are we better off moving now and doing what is best for the 4 of us financially and mentally for me?
Is staying here better for the kids?
If you are still reading..thank you. We have made so many wrong decisions. My brain hurts. Honestly my career is who I am. I don't want to be a SAHM. I want to work. In south carolina, I had a life. I had friends. I had a job that I liked. A house that I loved.
Every since coming back...I am alone. I hate it.
I don't have personal experience with living with inlaws, but even if you and DH are super close with them, I would not do that. I would create a plan to move OOS to a place where you and DH can find good jobs, the schools are good and you can lead a less stressful life. Living with family, even if you are paying your own way so to speak, will give you unwanted stress. Make a fresh start and plan when you and your family will come and visit in NY. Think of how well you will be able to breathe... Go for it! You, DH and your DCs deserve to have a happy wife/mother! Best of luck!   
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| Posted 1/28/11 1:59 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
Thank you all again until we are 100% made up I'm sure this will keep coming up.
You have no idea. It eats at me on a daily basis.
I don't know if I would want to live with my inlaws or even my parents. I don't get along with them 100% now so I don't know how it would be living with them. I think in the end it would cause a problem with my kids running to see grammy and pop pop if they dont get their way.
Palm Beach Schools are in NYC in March, and I have an interview. By then, hopefully we have a better grasp on what we really want. My husband has been watching the jobs too.
It's just sad that I regret all of our mistakes. I want to finally make the right choice and not regret anything!
TBH, just going by the little bit you've shared, I think that for you, if you and your family lived with the ILs or your parents, you would feel as though you weren't making it on your own, right? I apologize if I am wrong, but this is how I would feel and your words echo a lot of what I am feeling. I say, as long as you both find jobs, make your own lives and your own futures wherever that takes you. You DCs will thrive and be loved wherever you and DH are, and there will be visits to th extended family, so don't worry about them. You and DH have to live your own lives, and if you both are on the same page as far as moving is concerned, then to me, it is a no-brainer. Decision made. Just find jobs that you are comfortable with and let your dreams begin. Ok, off my  now! 
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| Posted 1/28/11 2:05 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
It's just sad that I regret all of our mistakes. I want to finally make the right choice and not regret anything!
don't waste your energy another minute on this!! everyone makes mistakes in life. we do what we think is best at the time. only hindsight is 20/20.
you are being unfair to yourself....letting regret kick you while you are down!!
what happened in the past doesn't matter...except it was a learning experience. you already know you enjoyed living some place else, and you know why you came back. great. now you fix whatever it was that made you come back (you missed your family...fine. make sure you can visit more. skype..get used to it) whatever it is.
confront it and fix it.
and then GET MOVING! you are so disenchanted here and so itching to go. you don't sound like your reasons for being here in any way outweigh your reasons for going.
as for the kids, sure it's nice to have family around...but it is MUCH NICER to have a happy and stress free mommy and daddy!!!
good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted 1/28/11 2:14 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by twinkletoes807
I adore my family (parents, sibs, ILs, etc.) but when we are able to, we will be moving out of state. I want my DH and kids to be comfortable in both where they live, as in a home, as well as grow up in a nice community. Though I know we will be lonely at times, I am sure that the family will visit us! All I know is that both DH and my civil servant pensions will go a lot farther in the Carolinas than on LI.
so funny. that is all we have down here in my neighborhood.
the guy i always talk to at the pool is retired corrections from rikers
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| Posted 1/28/11 3:34 PM |
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LittleBlueBug
Happy Mommy
Member since 9/06 4074 total posts
Name:
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Imo, I think, from what you have shared, you should go. It would be a lot harder if you have to go later when the kids are older. They are young. They will adapt. They dont want mommy and daddy stressed or struggling either and in the long run they,will have a better life...and so will you!
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| Posted 1/28/11 6:20 PM |
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MrsSchwags
Soccer Baseball Lax Mom
Member since 10/05 11240 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
It's very true. I notice when I am working at a job I like (teaching) I am very happy. It does stress me to know I interview, interview, interview and don't get hired.
DH started talking to recruiters and we are going to investigate the next few months and see what happens.
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| Posted 1/28/11 7:10 PM |
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MrsSpring
I'm a lucky mama
Member since 1/10 7585 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
i vote family
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| Posted 1/28/11 7:11 PM |
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tiki03
*************
Member since 9/05 8660 total posts
Name:
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by PrincessVonTrockel
Quality of life for myself and my DH....then my family. If I'm not happy, there is no point.
Same here. Quality of life for myself, DH and my kids, then my family. We left LI (family is still there) and are very happy with the decision.
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| Posted 1/28/11 7:23 PM |
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KennysMommy
Never knew LOVE like it before
Member since 3/10 2640 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
I am talking about in general with moving. I know this gets talked about a lot here.
But would you rather have your family close by and struggle to survive in an area, or live further away where you are comfortable but have no family near by.
Would you move in with your inlaws/parents if that meant staying near them?
or
Would you rather move elsewhere, find a stable job and live in a nice rental, house, etc?
If I'm not near my parents or ILs but have a good house we can afford and a safe neighborhood to live in, then that's worth it to me. We actually tripled our commute time to get the house/neighborhood we wanted. We never factored in proximity to relatives when doing our house search. Then again, living on Long Island, you're never really too far from anyone! So, to answer your question, we chose quality of life. You can always visit family...
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| Posted 1/28/11 7:46 PM |
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rojerono
Happiest.
Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by MrsSchwags
Are we better off moving now and doing what is best for the 4 of us financially and mentally for me?
Is staying here better for the kids?
If you are still reading..thank you. We have made so many wrong decisions. My brain hurts. Honestly my career is who I am. I don't want to be a SAHM. I want to work. In south carolina, I had a life. I had friends. I had a job that I liked. A house that I loved.
Every since coming back...I am alone. I hate it.
Okay - now that I read your answer I can amend mine.
When I say family I mean my husband and my children above all others. Yes - it would be painful to live away from those that I am close to - but if moving would make me feel more satisfied emotionally and financially - then THAT is what is best for the kids. A sad mommy who feels alone and beat up by the world is NOT good for anyone.
Immediate family first - extended family 2nd. All the time and every time.
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| Posted 1/28/11 8:43 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Ever since ds was born my family is now me, dh and ds. period. Those are the people you see morning and night every day. Those are your life.
with regards to moving in with inlaws. dh had family that did that. One family only lasted a few years then moved out. The other has lasted probably twenty years. But has an understanding that the parents don't come upstairs to their place. The boundaries were established. I wouldn't recommend it unless you are 1. on the best of terms(and even then might not work) or 2. You are struggling to rent on Long Island and are determined to stay here since you love your job/family/friends too much.
The quality of life of your kids will be most affected by you two who see them every day. It sounds like you two have already tried living somewhere else and like it. Your kids will make new friends. Your relatives can still visit(although maybe you'll see them for a week at a time - aka vacation). If your kids are old enough, I'd say ask them what they think about moving. Tell them about the cool things that would be nearby and see how receptive they are to it. Start breaking the idea to them.
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| Posted 1/28/11 10:08 PM |
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twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
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Re: Family v Quality of Life
Posted by Janice
Posted by twinkletoes807
I adore my family (parents, sibs, ILs, etc.) but when we are able to, we will be moving out of state. I want my DH and kids to be comfortable in both where they live, as in a home, as well as grow up in a nice community. Though I know we will be lonely at times, I am sure that the family will visit us! All I know is that both DH and my civil servant pensions will go a lot farther in the Carolinas than on LI.
so funny. that is all we have down here in my neighborhood.
the guy i always talk to at the pool is retired corrections from rikers
I believe it! The more I talk to people I work with about what we'll all do when we retire, the more everyone says they are moving to the Carolinas! I hope by the time we make it down there (hopefully in 7 years) NC won't be contaminated with all NY douchebags! Save me a spot by the pool! 
Message edited 1/28/2011 11:09:28 PM.
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| Posted 1/28/11 11:08 PM |
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