Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

My 4.5 yr old DS is generally a good boy but, lately he is really testing my patience. When he is good he is very good but, when he is bad NOTHING I do seems to work. He is just not afraid of me. I'm at a loss b/c of my friends with kids the same age - generally, the ones that REALLY listen are the ones whose parents hit them - not hard or anything but, a spank or a grab etc. and so they are afraid when they are told no. But, I don't want to go that route. I try time outs, taking things away (TV, computer, leap pad, certain toys etc.), reward calendars and NOTHING really works.

Just to clarify by bad behavior I mean tallking back to me and not listening to me sometimes at all. I tell him not to do something some days and he flat out ignores me or just talks back and continues to do it. I know he is testing me b/c he keeps doing it as he looks for my response. I make "threats" and follow through but, it's like nothing matters enough to him for him to actually stop consistently.

TIA!

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

Ugh, my son does the same thing. We don't hit him, I have given him a spanking, but it never worked so I don't see the need.

I think rewards for good behavior work. Like we pick a toy and if he's good that week we go to the store and get it. That only works if he really wants something. I've taken toys away, and now if he's really bad I throw them out. That works sometimes too. We do the time out thing, which at this age, he doesn't care about at all.

Yeah, I'm no help. I feel your pain though. The talking back is the worst.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

Not much help here because taking things away usually works for DS, not indefinitely, but until the next time. I always follow through with what I say I will do, even if its missing a special event or losing his DS or TV for a while. Also going to bed early is a biggy. He hates this the most. Oh! And he gets a little allowance now for certain chores so we will sometimes take away part or all of his allowance.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

We spank in this house. If I put him in timeout he laughs at us! we tried everything else...now...all we have to do is threaten it.

Flame away!!!

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

I would go ape sh!t. Just one time. Make it be enough.
If you aren't going to hit him, scream, throw something, cry...I do believe kids need to have a level of fear for their mothers.
Just reading what you wrote enraged me. Flat out ignoring you??
There is no way.
I would not take away an ipad...I would have him watch me bring it to a donation dropoff.
I think you have to be more extreme and set the tone of your expectations.
Is it okay that your 5 year old acts like this?
If it is in your house or you believe it is growing pains or something, then that is fine.
But I haven't hit my kid in years. He listens all the time. And no means no the first time.
With my 2 year old now...I won't tolerate her acting like a nut, hitting or screaming. She is put in her room and i tell her she can't be around us unless she starts acting nice.
I have put her out on my back deck and closed the door...i watch her through blinds, but i tell her she has to be nice if she is going to be around me in our house. it is extreme. it is 15 secs...but totally working. now she starts and i say you have to be nice here. then it is over.
my days are too long to deal with nonsense.
good luck!

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

DS is the same way! When he is good, he is an angel but when he is bad... my every last drop of patience is tested. We dont spank, we have once or twice and now we just say we are going to spank him and it works sometimes or we take away his Nintendo 3DS and even though he throws a tantrum about that, he does stop the original bad behavior. While he is crying, he has to stay in his room until he calms down.

We can only do the best we can and what feels right.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

Positive reinforcement seems like the only thing that works at that phase/age. We have a rewards chart. Incentives work really well. Plus, she likes having a job so if we make it a job it's more attractive.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

My DS is only 3.5 but is just like this as well. He's a big fan of telling me no and staring at me while he continues to engage in whatever behavior I've told him to stop.

I'll admit, I've hit him when he's really bad. I hate doing it though and I've been working more on counting to three and giving time-outs. He HATES time outs and will actually run away from me if he gets one so he gets another time out added for every 3 count he gets while I wait for him to go in his time out spot. Luckily DH is totally on board with this so consistency has been effective. On the days he's very bad I take away the toys that mean the most to him, or priviledges like reading books before bed.

The biggest mistake I make with him is underestimating his mental capacity - he isn't a baby anymore and knows exactly what he is doing, and that it's wrong, so he needs to be punished like an older child.

How long do you take toys away for? I like Janice's idea

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

Posted by MrsFlatbread

Posted by Janice

I would go ape sh!t. Just one time. Make it be enough.
If you aren't going to hit him, scream, throw something, cry...I do believe kids need to have a level of fear for their mothers.
Just reading what you wrote enraged me. Flat out ignoring you??
There is no way.
I would not take away an ipad...I would have him watch me bring it to a donation dropoff.
I think you have to be more extreme and set the tone of your expectations.
Is it okay that your 5 year old acts like this?
If it is in your house or you believe it is growing pains or something, then that is fine.
But I haven't hit my kid in years. He listens all the time. And no means no the first time.
With my 2 year old now...I won't tolerate her acting like a nut, hitting or screaming. She is put in her room and i tell her she can't be around us unless she starts acting nice.
I have put her out on my back deck and closed the door...i watch her through blinds, but i tell her she has to be nice if she is going to be around me in our house. it is extreme. it is 15 secs...but totally working. now she starts and i say you have to be nice here. then it is over.
my days are too long to deal with nonsense.
good luck!

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

I really thinking getting to their eye level and making them understand what they did was wrong works (in our house at least). "Your words/actions hurt my feelings," "People don't hit other people," "You could have really hurt your brother by doing that," etc I also like to throw in a "Mommy never does that to you? Does she?" When he says no, I ask "Well why do you do it to mommy/daddy/brother, etc"


At the end, we have them repeat what we said and they can't come out of TO until they can tell us why they are there.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

We have the same issue here. Taking things away do. DS doesn't really work, and spankings never worked either, so tats been off the table for a while now. We find rewarding positive behavior works best, not perfe toy, but best. We switch up the system every so often so it doesn't get boring. Right now we have two small jars, one good one bad. He gets a marble for good behaviors as if he doesn't listen or talks back, I move one fom the good jar into the bad jar. Then he as to earn that one back. When he fills the jar I will get him a special toy. He's been working on filling the jar for weeks now, so it's not like he's getting a toy every day. It's more of a long term goal for better behavior.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?

DS is 4.5 years. Lately I've been using the phrase "you choose your day" - you have control of how your day is going to go, you have a choice to do as you are told (i.e. put your clothes on when I tell you) and be allowed to _______ (i.e. play Wii after school while I cook dinner) or you can not listen and spend the time on your bed. It is your choice.
He gets it - he doesn't always want to get it - but he gets it.


His prek teacher teaches the kids that they are the boss of themselves. Meaning, no other child can tell you what you can do, who you can play with, what crayon to use, how to think. And he gets that. I just expanded on that concept with "you are in control of how your day goes. The decision you make right now dictate the rest of your day." He actually now says this to me as he is putting his sneakers on, etc.

Re: Disciplining your 4-5 year old - what WORKS for you?