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05mommy09
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DH fustrates me...
I just need to vent...
1st- I wanna say- I know because we are married its "OUR" debt.... but I do not own a damn credit card and never have.. so the 10k of CC debt we have- was all charged by him...previously to getting engaged...
Now- he is very providing... has enabled me to be able to be home with our son for MOST of the day (I only have to work PT... and Im very fortunate...) Once we get a house, this will prob. change... but for right now we are ok...
There are month, we have lots of extra $$ and months where we are living paycheack to paycheck-
We have agreed to take our entire tax return and pay off half the credit cards... and *possibly* take 5 k outta saving to pay the other half... (I so badly just wanna be CC debt free)
I know this is gonna sound horrible- but sometimes it just makes me so mad... that the $ we have put away... and MOST of our checks... pay off HIS bills (please dont flame me for this... Again. I know its our bills... Im just trying to voice.. how I stuggle with this every month)
These bills were all spent on his truck...(he has some custom truck that he takes apart and rebuilds) He constantly takes it apart sells the parts and buys new ones (in the end we always lose $$$)
He has the nerve to come home the other day and say... he thinks hes just gonna take 1k and buy a new (well old... but different from the one he already has) truck...
This makes me so mad! Why is it... that on top of paying these CC bills... we now are gonna blow another grand on a truck???
I dont want him to give up his hobby... so I really dont say to much about it... BUT I dont think its fair for him to buy all this stuff, for his truck... when we already pay big time for it...!!
AND- we dont even have our house yet!!!
I know- in some ways im wrong... And part of me just prays... he is just talking out his azz BUT I cant help but good crazy when he speaks these words...
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Posted 4/1/06 9:15 PM  |
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Pumpkin
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Re: DH fustrates me...
although it is supposed to be "our debt" I still have a problem with that. To me the person who is responsible for it is still needs to be the one who is responsible for it.
Is your DH is really trying to clear up the debt that is going to follow you around. Have you spoke to him about it? THere is nothing worse then just going in circles when trying to pay off debt. good luck!
Message edited 4/1/2006 9:30:57 PM.
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:26 PM |
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My2Boys
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Re: DH fustrates me...
I'm sorry, but in what "ways" are you wrong? You're trying to get rid of your marital debt (albeit debt your DH acquired), to save for a house... and he's thinking he'll spend another $1000 on his "hobby"?
I would have 2 words for my DH...
Hell. No.
Seriously, I can see your frustration. I don't know what it is about "boys and their toys", but at some point, they need to be responsible. 
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:29 PM |
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05mommy09
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Re: DH fustrates me...
We talk... and I agree...
To make our lives alot more comfortable... it needs to be paid off...
And I think paying them isnt my issue... until he starts talking about buying himself MORE things for this damn truck...
If we had an extra 1k... that should go towards the bills before he buys a new truck!
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:30 PM |
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btrflygrl
me and baby #3!
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Shana
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Re: DH fustrates me...
I think you are right in every way. Yes, he's entitled to his hoby, but when it starts to interfere with your future endeavors.....time to put it aside for awhile.
DH doesn't NEARLY buy as many video games as he used to.
We took on each others debt when we got married and worked to pay it all off....we got lucky with a settlement from an accident DH was in, but he paid off ALOT of my debt.
All new debt is considered together....IE: we decided it was best to have 1 CC for emergencies only (we didn't have ANY). When we go to take a home equity loan, we'll probably consolidate and do some house stuff.
It's all about compromise.
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:33 PM |
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05mommy09
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by My2Boys
I'm sorry, but in what "ways" are you wrong? You're trying to get rid of your marital debt (albeit debt your DH acquired), to save for a house... and he's thinking he'll spend another $1000 on his "hobby"?
I would have 2 words for my DH...
Hell. No.
Seriously, I can see your frustration. I don't know what it is about "boys and their toys", but at some point, they need to be responsible.
I think why I dont say much is because... He supports our family... He's made it so I dont HAVE to work, and I can be home with our SON...
So I feel like.... Its wrong in a way for me to then tell him what to do with the money (I guess..)
I strongly believe that just because he's married and has a baby he shouldnt have to give up something he loves (its just unfortunate his hobby is so costly)
I want to make it clear.... he dosent take away from "US"
We still pay our bills, and have recreational time, and so on...
But to me... I just feels paying off the CC bills should come 1st..
How do I approach this?
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:33 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by My2Boys
I'm sorry, but in what "ways" are you wrong? You're trying to get rid of your marital debt (albeit debt your DH acquired), to save for a house... and he's thinking he'll spend another $1000 on his "hobby"?
I would have 2 words for my DH...
Hell. No.
Seriously, I can see your frustration. I don't know what it is about "boys and their toys", but at some point, they need to be responsible.
I think why I dont say much is because... He supports our family... He's made it so I dont HAVE to work, and I can be home with our SON...
So I feel like.... Its wrong in a way for me to then tell him what to do with the money (I guess..)
I strongly believe that just because he's married and has a baby he shouldnt have to give up something he loves (its just unfortunate his hobby is so costly)
I want to make it clear.... he dosent take away from "US"
We still pay our bills, and have recreational time, and so on...
But to me... I just feels paying off the CC bills should come 1st..
How do I approach this?
I'd tell him flat out that the credit card debt has you totally stressed out, and before you start getting into a deeper hole (since I'm guessing that he'll need other new parts for the new truck so it will end up being more than $1k in the end) you have to pay off the cc debt. I'd stress that you want him to enjoy himself and that you understand that his hobby is important to him, but owning a home is equally important to you.
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:45 PM |
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My2Boys
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by My2Boys
I'm sorry, but in what "ways" are you wrong? You're trying to get rid of your marital debt (albeit debt your DH acquired), to save for a house... and he's thinking he'll spend another $1000 on his "hobby"?
I would have 2 words for my DH...
Hell. No.
Seriously, I can see your frustration. I don't know what it is about "boys and their toys", but at some point, they need to be responsible.
I think why I dont say much is because... He supports our family... He's made it so I dont HAVE to work, and I can be home with our SON...
So I feel like.... Its wrong in a way for me to then tell him what to do with the money (I guess..)
I strongly believe that just because he's married and has a baby he shouldnt have to give up something he loves (its just unfortunate his hobby is so costly)
I want to make it clear.... he dosent take away from "US"
We still pay our bills, and have recreational time, and so on...
But to me... I just feels paying off the CC bills should come 1st..
How do I approach this?
ITA w/ you in that he shouldn't give up something he loves, however, it's an expensive hobby and it shouldn't be *more* important than paying off debt, KWIM?
Does he see the bigger picture? Does he want to be debt free? Can you "negotiate" with him - say spend only a few hundred on the car and the rest should go to CCs.
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:47 PM |
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jaysee00
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by My2Boys
I'm sorry, but in what "ways" are you wrong? You're trying to get rid of your marital debt (albeit debt your DH acquired), to save for a house... and he's thinking he'll spend another $1000 on his "hobby"?
I would have 2 words for my DH...
Hell. No.
Seriously, I can see your frustration. I don't know what it is about "boys and their toys", but at some point, they need to be responsible.
I think why I dont say much is because... He supports our family... He's made it so I dont HAVE to work, and I can be home with our SON...
So I feel like.... Its wrong in a way for me to then tell him what to do with the money (I guess..)
I strongly believe that just because he's married and has a baby he shouldnt have to give up something he loves (its just unfortunate his hobby is so costly)
I want to make it clear.... he dosent take away from "US"
We still pay our bills, and have recreational time, and so on...
But to me... I just feels paying off the CC bills should come 1st..
How do I approach this?
I think you are being very level-headed about this. I think you are right in both respects that the credit cards should come first, but you want to support his hobby. I am sure that you have probably told him that you respect the fact that he has this hobby. Why don't you ask him to concentrate on paying off the debt as quick as possible? Then, maybe he could set up a monthly budget that he can spend on this hobby. This way if there is a budget you don't even have to think about it anymore. You will know what to expect, and he won't feel like he has to have "permission" from you. Also, maybe if there is anything "hobby-related" that he doesn't use anymore, he could sell it. Sometimes my DH does this (but different hobby), and the money he makes back, he will spend on his hobby. In your case, maybe he could use it towards paying off the card quicker. Sorry for rambling, hope it helps. Good luck!
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:47 PM |
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btrflygrl
me and baby #3!
Member since 5/05 12013 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: DH fustrates me...
I think you need to ask him where his priorities are. Just because he says he wants to blow that money, will he actually do it?
Rich often says he wants this or that and either saves and waits FOREVER to get it, or it's just a want....and he leaves it alone.
Maybe you should set a goal......pay off a certain amount of the debt and then he can spend on the truck as a reward of sorts???
I know how you feel about feeling guilty about him giving up his hobby...don't ask him to give it up, just to lay off for a bit. Ryan needs his hobby but at the same time you need the security of knowing that you are working towards your future. Even with the debt, your credit is in good standing. As long as he is making payments, it looks good.
I feel guilty asking Rich to even wake up at night with Alyson because he works 50-60 hours a week, but he does once in a while when he is off the following day. He plays MAYBE 1x a week...if that and I know he wants to do it more, but he knows he can't. Does Ryan know he SHOULDN'T spend the $$???
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:48 PM |
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Redhead
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Jennifer
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Re: DH fustrates me...
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:55 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Thanks girls...
Well- he's trying to tell me... that in the end... buying this other truck will cost us less money... because he needs that MANY pieces for his no truck... truthfully- because I am no educated on putting together cars... he could tell me anything, and I would have no idea how true it was...( Im not saying he's a liar... but, when he wants something.. he has a way of telling me what I want to hear...)
He has sold old parts to buy new ones... but we always need to put money towards the new ones...
IE: If his parts cost 1000... he uses them for a year, he cant turn around and sell them (now they are used and a year olf) for the same price... so lets say he sells them for 700...
Now next year if he dosent upgrade... and spends another 1000... we still have to put 300 towards it!
I just wish he would put it on hold until we got into our house...
what cracks me up is he is always buying for this hunk of metal... BUT he never spends time working on it..
He works 6 days a week, so his only day off is spent with me and our son... On the rare occasion he has a week day off, he fiddles in the garage but dosent put any REAL work into it...
So basically- he has this dream and he keeps putting $$$ into it... but its all just sitting around collecting dust!
Its so fustrating!
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:55 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by btrflygrl
I think you need to ask him where his priorities are. Just because he says he wants to blow that money, will he actually do it?
Ryan does alot of talking and wanting... but dosent always follow through... SO I try not to get in a tizzy when he says things like this!
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:57 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
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Jennifer
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Re: DH fustrates me...
I am sorry but i think at this point...i WOULD tell him enough is enough...
You are in fact working hard for your future...And now that you are FINALLY going to be debt free....this is no time to be racking the bill up again...
Sorry but i would be ****** AS WELL...And if it were me i would tell my DH to get a less expensive hobby
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| Posted 4/1/06 9:58 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Redhead
I am sorry but i think at this point...i WOULD tell him enough is enough...
You are in fact working hard for your future...And now that you are FINALLY going to be debt free....this is no time to be racking the bill up again...
Sorry but i would be ****** AS WELL...And if it were me i would tell my DH to get a less expensive hobby
Well... he's not charging anything... it would be paid in cash...
But my whole problem is... How do I tell someone who is busting there azz @ work... he has to give up something he loves...???
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:00 PM |
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CathyB
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
But my whole problem is... How do I tell someone who is busting there azz @ work... he has to give up something he loves...???
I wouldn't say to give it up, just hold off until your cc debt is paid off. Sounds like it won't take that long since you have a plan in place.
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:04 PM |
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Redhead
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Jennifer
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
Well... he's not charging anything... it would be paid in cash...
But my whole problem is... How do I tell someone who is busting there azz @ work... he has to give up something he loves...???
well how expensive is this hobby?
I understand what you are saying...but in all honestly he is working just as hard as YOU. Just doing two different things for both of your future...
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:04 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Well lets see 10k worth of CC debt... and MOST of it was spent on the trucks...
Over years of course but still...
If he would just freakin' build it up for the last time, and leave it together, then it wouldnt be so bad... but the HOBBY in it... is putting it together... therefore... its always being taken apart and needing new parts... etc...
Its funny... DH was totally gonna give it all up when we found out we were pg.
Then when we found out it was a boy... he decided he wanted to continue with it, because he couldnt wait for the baby and him to do these things together...
Truthfully... I just wish he'd sell everything...
Then once we move and get settled, and comfortable... buy himself a used truck for 1k and then buy the other pieces...
(he's trying to tell me... he'll buy this now.. and wont spend another dime, until after we move...
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:09 PM |
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05mommy09
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by sarahsmommy
Posted by Princessmaris
But my whole problem is... How do I tell someone who is busting there azz @ work... he has to give up something he loves...???
I wouldn't say to give it up, just hold off until your cc debt is paid off. Sounds like it won't take that long since you have a plan in place.
True- but part of my fustration is all this extra $$$ we have is paying off (yep Im gonna say it) HIS bills... for what... so he could just go buy himself a thousand dollar gift????
I hate hate hate discussing money!!!! Its so hard... and I HATE questioning, or "telling" him how to spend it!
ESP. since he never ever ever says anything to me or asks me "how much" on the rare occasion I treat myself to something....
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:12 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by sarahsmommy
Posted by Princessmaris
True- but part of my fustration is all this extra $$$ we have is paying off (yep Im gonna say it) HIS bills... for what... so he could just go buy himself a thousand dollar gift????
I hate hate hate discussing money!!!! Its so hard... and I HATE questioning, or "telling" him how to spend it!
ESP. since he never ever ever says anything to me or asks me "how much" on the rare occasion I treat myself to something....
I hear you. I feel awful every month when I write out a check to pay off my loan from grad school, but we decided together that we wanted me to stay home and care for our kids. But holding all that cc debt is crazy to me, it just keeps building due to the interest. I'd be dying to pay it off just like you.
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:15 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by sarahsmommy
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by sarahsmommy
Posted by Princessmaris
True- but part of my fustration is all this extra $$$ we have is paying off (yep Im gonna say it) HIS bills... for what... so he could just go buy himself a thousand dollar gift????
I hate hate hate discussing money!!!! Its so hard... and I HATE questioning, or "telling" him how to spend it!
ESP. since he never ever ever says anything to me or asks me "how much" on the rare occasion I treat myself to something....
I hear you. I feel awful every month when I write out a check to pay off my loan from grad school, but we decided together that we wanted me to stay home and care for our kids. But holding all that cc debt is crazy to me, it just keeps building due to the interest. I'd be dying to pay it off just like you.
This is another biggie...
When Im finally done with school... whenever that is... I will have some loans to pay off.... So I really try not to be too picky about the whole debt thing...
I HATE $$$$$,.... its such an uncomfortable topic... Even if you have ALOT of it!
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:18 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
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Donna
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Ya know, if you think about it, the bottom line is theres nothing you can do about it.
The debt is there and it has to be paid off.
Since your not working F/T , at least think of it as his money is the most being used to pay it off ..right?
I would be more frustrated if I was working long hard hours NOW to pay off his debt from THEN.
Your not wrong for feeling this way, its got to be frustrating, BUT keep thinking how you cant change the situation ( with the debt) because it will just frustrate you more.
The Truck issue you can work on and thats where I would focus my attention on trying to compromise...
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:19 PM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: DH fustrates me...
honestly, I would be pi$$ed off too...
I know that you are grateful he can provide for the family financially so you can stay home with your son, but so what? Each person has to do a job.. it doesn't make him "bigger" just because he brings home the bacon!
I completely understand how you feel, I am not planning to be a SAHM but if I do, I'll probably feel a little guilty that my DH slave away at a job so we are able to buy things... but that is what people do when they have a family, you make sacrifices.
I am sure working will seem like piece of cake comparing to taking care of a child.
I would talk to him and tell him how you feel rationally. While it is nice to have a hobby, he is a father now, unfortunately, hobby has to wait.
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| Posted 4/1/06 10:41 PM |
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DjPiLL
Member since 5/05 3664 total posts
Name:
Richard
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by Princessmaris
We have agreed to take our entire tax return and pay off half the credit cards... and *possibly* take 5 k outta saving to pay the other half... (I so badly just wanna be CC debt free)
Two questions:
You say "our" tax return... but you say you aren't currently working? Was this tax return from his W2s only? Or were you working during 2005? If you were home for all of 2005... that tax return is theoretically "his cash" because you can't say "you are paying off his debt".
And regarding this 5k saving? Was that your savings from before you were engaged? I would guess yes by what you are saying.
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| Posted 4/1/06 11:14 PM |
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PiyoPika566
talk to the hand
Member since 5/05 1436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: DH fustrates me...
Posted by DjPiLL
Posted by Princessmaris
We have agreed to take our entire tax return and pay off half the credit cards... and *possibly* take 5 k outta saving to pay the other half... (I so badly just wanna be CC debt free)
Two questions:
You say "our" tax return... but you say you aren't currently working? Was this tax return from his W2s only? Or were you working during 2005? If you were home for all of 2005... that tax return is theoretically "his cash" because you can't say "you are paying off his debt".
And regarding this 5k saving? Was that your savings from before you were engaged? I would guess yes by what you are saying.
what difference does this make?? she already said what she's upset about is not the debt her DH raked up prior to engagement, but it's the fact that he wants to spend $1k on his truck NOW.
I am sorry, I have a problem with men thinking they are the king because they bring home the money (this is precisely the reason why I will always work, eventhough my FH will never make me feel less if I decide to be a SAHM).
If she isn't home to take care THEIR son, how is he able to work full time?
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| Posted 4/1/06 11:22 PM |
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