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DMT
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 2277 total posts
Name:
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BarMitzvah questions
I haven't been to one in about 28 years, so please help me!
I am invited to a coworkers son's and have questions:
1) Do we show up for the service as well as reception after? I do not want to be intrusive or rude. I am thinking we go to both correct?
2) Can I wear a black lace dress with pumps and my husband a suit and tie?
3) I know everyone loves this, but what is a good gift? I do not want to be cheap. I literally have no clue with this at all.
4) Are my husband and I to cover our heads if we do attend service? Is there a certain place that we should sit?
Any help you can give would be great.
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Posted 4/6/17 10:20 AM  |
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Calla
My girls
Member since 7/05 4303 total posts
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
What temple is the service at? Some of the answers are different based on whether it is reformed/conservative/orthodox. You absolutely go to the service and if the invitation mentions a reception that means you are invited there too. Is your lace dress lined at the shoulders? Women should have shoulders covered in temple. The head cover is just for men.
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| Posted 4/6/17 10:24 AM |
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DMT
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 2277 total posts
Name:
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by Calla
What temple is the service at? Some of the answers are different based on whether it is reformed/conservative/orthodox. You absolutely go to the service and if the invitation mentions a reception that means you are invited there too. Is your lace dress lined at the shoulders? Women should have shoulders covered in temple. The head cover is just for men.
Thank you so much. I have yet to receive the invite so I am not sure, I was just trying to get prepared.
The only part of my dress that is more of a lace-see through part is the upper arms. It is an elbow length dress. My shoulder area has lace but black fabric under it.
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Message edited 4/6/2017 10:31:22 AM.
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| Posted 4/6/17 10:30 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
The lace dress is fine. I would suggest that if its spaghetti strap just bring a shawl for your shoulders.
PP was right. The rules are different for orthodox/conservative/reform. I would suggest you look the temple up on line and see what kind of temple it is.
Reform: Sit where you want. Its respectful to cover your shoulders but no one will throw you out. Its respectful for men to cover their heads with a yarmulke, but not required.
Conservative: Sit where you want. Out of respect men really should put a yarmulke on. DEF cover your shoulders,
Orthodox - men and women are separate. My guess is your DH may not be let in unless he wears a yarmulke.
added: The shul will provide the Yarmulkes.
Generally wear what you would to a wedding and you will be fine.
Generally NEVER worry about "covering your plate". Give what you can afford.
Gift: Giving a gift in multiples of 18 is the tradition, but not required. Depending on want you an afford and what you WANT to give :$180. You could do $218. Althought $218 is not a multiple its still in the realm of "chai" (the number 18) and would be appreciated. A REALLY nice gift is $360. Or you can do $318.
ANd lastly, yes. It is expected you would go to the temple for the service then the reception would be after.
I would add this: If it is an Orthadox Bar Mitzvah I would skip the service and just go to the reception. You both will feel REALLY uncomfortable in the shul. I am a reform Jew and I probably would not go to an orthodox service, but would go to the reception. This is my personal opinion and other might feel different.
Message edited 4/6/2017 10:40:49 AM.
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| Posted 4/6/17 10:37 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by DMT
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Its very nice of you to be so respectful :)
The only time to be very mindful is if its Orthadox. Does your co worker wear a Yarmulke every day? Does he wear special clothing? Does he have fringes under his cloths? You would see the fringes very clearly coming out from the bottom of his shirts.
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| Posted 4/6/17 10:50 AM |
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DMT
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 2277 total posts
Name:
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by Paramount
Posted by DMT
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Its very nice of you to be so respectful :)
The only time to be very mindful is if its Orthadox. Does your co worker wear a Yarmulke every day? Does he wear special clothing? Does he have fringes under his cloths? You would see the fringes very clearly coming out from the bottom of his shirts.
My coworker is Catholic and wears khakis and hoodies LOL
It is his wife who is Jewish. I will have to get back to this thread when I receive the actual invite. I doubt they are Orthodox, I went to a funeral service once for their family and nobody was dressed like they were Orthodox.
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| Posted 4/6/17 11:08 AM |
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by Paramount
Posted by DMT
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Its very nice of you to be so respectful :)
The only time to be very mindful is if its Orthadox. Does your co worker wear a Yarmulke every day? Does he wear special clothing? Does he have fringes under his cloths? You would see the fringes very clearly coming out from the bottom of his shirts.
Not all Orthodox wear all that. I work for two Orthodox brothers and neither wear them
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| Posted 4/6/17 11:35 AM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 8012 total posts
Name:
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BarMitzvah questions
I would never go to temple without pantyhose on
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| Posted 4/6/17 12:24 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by Straightarrow
Posted by Paramount
Posted by DMT
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Its very nice of you to be so respectful :)
The only time to be very mindful is if its Orthadox. Does your co worker wear a Yarmulke every day? Does he wear special clothing? Does he have fringes under his cloths? You would see the fringes very clearly coming out from the bottom of his shirts.
Not all Orthodox wear all that. I work for two Orthodox brothers and neither wear them
Agree. But if they DID dress like that then we know for sure. It was a question of process of elimination.
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| Posted 4/6/17 12:33 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
If they're a mixed marriage you'll be at a reform or conservative synagogue. Bare legs in the summer is fine, shoulders covered still. Multiples of $18 for the gift.
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| Posted 4/6/17 8:34 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by Paramount
Posted by Straightarrow
Posted by Paramount
Posted by DMT
Are bare legs ok? It is in June. Or would it be better to wear opague black legs with my dress and shoes.
The thing I worry the most is being rude or disrespectful.
Its very nice of you to be so respectful :)
The only time to be very mindful is if its Orthadox. Does your co worker wear a Yarmulke every day? Does he wear special clothing? Does he have fringes under his cloths? You would see the fringes very clearly coming out from the bottom of his shirts.
Not all Orthodox wear all that. I work for two Orthodox brothers and neither wear them
Agree. But if they DID dress like that then we know for sure. It was a question of process of elimination.
ALL orthodox men where tzittzit, but most modern orthodox men tuck them in under their shirt so you don't see the fringe.
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| Posted 4/6/17 8:34 PM |
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EricaAlt
LIF Adult
Member since 7/08 22665 total posts
Name:
Erica
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
Posted by MandJZ
If they're a mixed marriage you'll be at a reform or conservative synagogue. Bare legs in the summer is fine, shoulders covered still. Multiples of $18 for the gift.
THis. We are reform and I have seen plenty of women with bare legs at temple. It's also a Bar Mitzvah so not everyone knows the rules of the temple and reform temples are definitely forgiving. There will be plenty of 13 year old girls not covering their shoulders.
I always go to the service and will bring a shawl to cover my shoulders if needed. Other than that I don't care for stockings anyway. I haven't been to too many orthodox services, but will be respectful when I have been.
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| Posted 4/7/17 7:16 AM |
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Dani922
Here's to new beginnings
Member since 10/07 7260 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: BarMitzvah questions
I am Catholic, but my best friend is Jewish & I attended temple with her many times as a kid. I would say they were conservative. Shoulders covered for sure. The lace dress you described sounds perfectly acceptable. For conservative or reform bare legs would be fine in June. My friend & her mother always went bare legs in warmer months. Your husband likely will be expected to wear a yarmukle, but as others mentioned, one will generally be provided.
I was told gifts with 18 or 36. For example, $136. I was given that advice by a reform Jew for my best friend's Batmitzvah so I am going back some years & could be wrong.
Message edited 4/8/2017 2:24:05 AM.
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| Posted 4/8/17 2:23 AM |
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