another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

we co sleep, so if I hear him fussing in his sleep I wake up and put my hand on him to calm him down. if I don't do that, he starts rubbing his hands on his face and eventually will wake himself up. sometimes he will fall asleep on his own, but usually not.
I still nurse him to sleep every night.

I personally don't have a problem waking up to sooth him. for some bizarre reason the lack of sleep does not upset me. I just feel like as his mother this is my cross to bear.

however, I do worry that I won't be doing him any favors...

so those that did NOT CIO (or I guess those that did) is this a skill he will eventually learn??? to fall asleep on his own? to put himself back to sleep?

or will I be rubbing his hairline and smoothing his forehead while he is in college?

basically I don't want to do anything now that will be detrimental (and perhaps harder to correct) later....

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

My non-expert opinion is that it's a VERY important skill, and learning it early is waaaaay easier than later. He's a little young for CIO though, I don't think we made a full-on, deliberate, take no prisoners attempt at it until DS was 10 months or so; many people say you can start at 6 months effectively.

Within one week the kid was a sleep master; i'd put him down awake but sleepy and he had the knowledge to get himself to sleep. You can certainly try a modified CIO approach, and see how that works... Shane was not a huge screamer, so the CIO plan worked well for us; don't know if I could've listened to DS cry and scream for too long, that would've been rough...

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

When he wakes himself up, does he fuss a little? Or is he in a full on panic screaming his head off?

From the beginning, I let him fuss a little here and there - I got a lot of when I wouldn't drop everything and go running when he woke up and made some noise - but *I* felt it was better for him, and for my sanity, to see what his mood was first - .........
Sometimes he woke up hungry or wet or whatever and his fussing would get a little more intense, and I knew he needed me -
Sometimes, he just rolled over and woke himself up, so he fussed a bit and went back to sleep on his own .....I am a firm beleiver that no matter how much *I* want to think he needs me every second of every day, he really does not -

I'm also kind of guilty to treating him like an adult - I put my feelings about things on him, I think I'm being 'considerate' LOL - For example, I hate when someone is in my face the second I open my eyes ........so, when he wakes up, in a good mood or a bad mood, I always (even from when he was a newborn) would kind of let him hang, and THEN I'd go and get him. - If he wakes up screaming, that's different, but otherwise, I always leave him for a minute or two, and then go -

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

How old is he, again?

I do not believe in CIO. When she cried throughout the night- I or DH went in everytime and put her back to sleep. I felt she was waking for a reason and needed comforting.

She is just over 7 months old, now, and is an excellent sleeper. She goes to bed at around 7:30 every night and sleeps through until anywhere between 6:30 and 8:30am. She takes two decent naps every day without a fight. She is a very happy baby.

I think if you are comfortable with doing it this way- he will be fine. When he's a bit older, if you transition to a crib or something like that- you can use that opportunity to sleep train. Or let him CIO for naps for the time being so he starts acquiring the self soothe skill.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Honestly - nothing you do now regarding sleeping, eating, etc really sets the stage for what happens in the future. I had the same fears as you, but after Cailen turned 1, he started falling into brand new patterns and developed new behaviors that really had nothing to do with how I handled things when he was a baby. He would only sleep in my arms, soothe when I held him, etc. Now he kicks me out of the room when he wants to go to sleep, and is completely a self soother!

Enjoy this time with him. It goes fast and before you know it, he will want his sleepy time to himself!!!

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Honestly - nothing you do now regarding sleeping, eating, etc really sets the stage for what happens in the future. I had the same fears as you, but after Cailen turned 1, he started falling into brand new patterns and developed new behaviors that really had nothing to do with how I handled things when he was a baby. He would only sleep in my arms, soothe when I held him, etc. Now he kicks me out of the room when he wants to go to sleep, and is completely a self soother!

Enjoy this time with him. It goes fast and before you know it, he will want his sleepy time to himself!!!

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

No, I don't think you are doomed forever, although I am paranoid that I am going to have a hard time breaking Tyler of the sleeping with me habit so I understand where you are coming from.

Also, CIO is not for everyone. I know plenty of people who had great sleepers right from the beginning and never had to do anything. It depends on the child, and also what the parent is willing to do.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Posted by Diana1215

No, I don't think you are doomed forever, although I am paranoid that I am going to have a hard time breaking Tyler of the sleeping with me habit so I understand where you are coming from.

Also, CIO is not for everyone. I know plenty of people who had great sleepers right from the beginning and never had to do anything. It depends on the child, and also what the parent is willing to do.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

We didn't CIO.

My son is 21 months old and is FINALLY sleeping through the night. They do learn how to self soothe. We had to rub my son's head, his belly etc for a while. We had broken him of this when my husband had his heart attack and my BIL was taking care of him. Then we had to start all over.

First, you need to feel comfortable that he is old enough and you are comfortable. Then you can try whatever approach you decide.

Here is what worked for us. I would put my son in bed. He would be tired but not TOO tired. If he is TOO tired, they have a harder time falling asleep because they are cranky. I would put him in his bed and I would lay down on the floor next to his crib. I would put my hand into the crib and he would hold it for a while. He would sometimes get up and want to be picked up. I would calmly remind him, time to sleep, mama's here. Then I would lie down again. Eventually, after a few nights, he didn't need my hand and he didn't even need me to lie on the floor.

I hope you find something that works for you. I can provide more details if you need. Just send me a FM.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Posted by MarisaK

When he wakes himself up, does he fuss a little? Or is he in a full on panic screaming his head off?

From the beginning, I let him fuss a little here and there - I got a lot of when I wouldn't drop everything and go running when he woke up and made some noise - but *I* felt it was better for him, and for my sanity, to see what his mood was first - .........
Sometimes he woke up hungry or wet or whatever and his fussing would get a little more intense, and I knew he needed me -
Sometimes, he just rolled over and woke himself up, so he fussed a bit and went back to sleep on his own .....I am a firm beleiver that no matter how much *I* want to think he needs me every second of every day, he really does not -

I'm also kind of guilty to treating him like an adult - I put my feelings about things on him, I think I'm being 'considerate' LOL - For example, I hate when someone is in my face the second I open my eyes ........so, when he wakes up, in a good mood or a bad mood, I always (even from when he was a newborn) would kind of let him hang, and THEN I'd go and get him. - If he wakes up screaming, that's different, but otherwise, I always leave him for a minute or two, and then go -

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Jess, I know Sienna is only a few months older but in the last few weeks she's been changing how she sleeps and how she needs to fall asleep (without us changing anything). I still BF her to sleep and used to rock her for 10 mins or so after she was done but lately she wants no part of being rocked. It's like she can't get comfy on me and needs to be in her crib.

If she gets up in the middle of the night she usually puts herself back to sleep after a few mins of whining but if not or she starts to cry either DH or I go in to rock her back to sleep. I still feel she's too little to CIO.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by Diana1215

No, I don't think you are doomed forever, although I am paranoid that I am going to have a hard time breaking Tyler of the sleeping with me habit so I understand where you are coming from.

Also, CIO is not for everyone. I know plenty of people who had great sleepers right from the beginning and never had to do anything. It depends on the child, and also what the parent is willing to do.

thanks everyone

D, I have to get you a check or something so you can send me that pig and bottle my brain is just coming out of a fog so I will do that asap. sorry.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Personally, I feel too often parents are told CIO is a necessary thing to do to get their kids ot go to sleep. It does work for many people, but I don't feel it's the best option for every parent and certainly not for every child. Some kids get too hysterical during it (my DS was one I think), and I was not comfortable continuing when I saw how he reacted. We did it for 3 or 4 nights when he was 7 months, I don't remember how many, but it just got worse by the last night, including vomiting, etc. But I felt as you did at the time, and worried that if I didn't do CIO, it would backfire further down the line. Around a year, DS slept beautifully each night, about 12 hours! This kept up until he was almost 2, and then new sleep issues emerged. Now he's sleeping well again most nights.

So will your child be unable to sleep or be a spoiled kid if you don't do CIO? No, of course not, but it is important he learn to self-soothe. I do think it's a good idea to let him fuss or if he starts to cry see if he can settle himself back down. Don't rush immediately to his side. There have been so many nights DS would wake, cry for a couple minutes, then settle down and stop on his own. A pacifier can be good this way or later, a lovey of some kind (I think your boy is probably too young). Music or a white noise machine or humidifier can help too. There is a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution that gives some other tips.

Message edited 3/24/2010 3:51:56 PM.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

No, you won't be doing it forever. We co-sept with until DD was about 10 months old--maybe a bit later. The doctor told us to CIO, everyone told us to CIO, but I just couldn't mostly because of our apartment layout and the neighbors etc. Anyway, it turned out fine. DD is 15 months old and so tired at night that she just passes out shortly after her bath/pjs/bed ritual. We're going to get her a bed soon to replace the never used crib--which she still loathes (she will only sleep in the PNP.)

ETA: We did try CIO a few times and it worked, but again--not for us. It took too long a couple of nights and like I said, with the neighbors and all. No bueno.

Message edited 3/24/2010 4:10:45 PM.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

thanks everyone.

I feel like this will be a theme with me...I really want to make sure I get this right now, so I don't have to punish HIM tomorrow for something *I* did *wrong* today (not just relating to this issue, but generally speaking)

thanks again.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

IMO...YES....Based on my experience with my now almost 3 yr old....

This time around, I;m "trying" to teach them now ( under 6 months) to self soothe...so I dont re-create the monster my son is when it comes to that. He IMO cannot self soothe at all. And I knwo its my fault.

But for every ME..there's every other kid who is different and learns just fine...so I think you know YOUR kid best and you will know , trust your instincts.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

i don't know... this may be my outside opinion, but if one co-sleeps how is the baby supposed to learn to self-soothe if you are always there? i am not trying to be critical, everyone does what works for them, but to me, that seems to be the problem with co-sleeping.

i on the other hand, did not nurse (no supply) the baby was in the bassinet on her own and in her own room and crib at 3 months so i have a very different experience. DD is 8 months old and has always been a good sleeper and self-soother. don't know if what i did for her sleep-wise is the reason, it may just be luck!

ETA: jess, i hope you know that this post is in no way meant to be critical- just something i've wondered about.

Message edited 3/24/2010 6:07:29 PM.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

I am in your situation and I always worry that I'm going to enable him in the future. I dont mind the co-sleeping and although I;m tired I no what you are saying that it is "our cross to bear". THe only thing that really bothers me is that I can be making his life harder in the future

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

I think self soothing is really important!! But I also have a child who taught herself how to do it, so I'm not the one to go to about it.
I think, in your case, he's still young enough that you don't have to worry about it yet....but as he gets older, it really is something that will help him out.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

I never had to do full-on CIO with Eliza like I did with her older sister. BUT- Eliza woke every 2-3 hours to eat until she was well into her 5th month. She was EBF and I am a firm believer in feeding on demand.

That said, she figured out how to self soothe and STTN mostly on her own. The most she ever really cried was for about 5 minutes.

Re: another spin off....am I doomed forever if he doesn't learn NOW to self sooth?

Riley was a nightmare with sleeping until she learned to self-soothe...and that happened around 4.5 months. It was a miracle, the day she found her thumb! I'm not even sure if the thumb gets the sole credit either- I think mobility helped her, and she could actually kind of entertain herself in a way. Maturity has a lot to do with it!